I dont know where I am going with this.

Ok, so it is a day or two from Christmas and I have had this thing that has been eating away at me for days now. A colleague died this last week.

And why has it been eating away at me?

Well that is the whole struggle. I have been sad and upset but not about the passing.

I mean, he was a great guy and he was a Godly guy and he was a good teacher and mentor and all that, but what has been getting to me the most is the guilt. I have been feeling guilty because I have been holding my wife closer and I have been thanking God that it was not me or her. I have been over focusing on what it would be like if I was not here and what she would do without me or how it would be without her and how I would make it without her. It has been obsessive at times and when I can have the power to shove it into the back of my mind, it comes back with a hold that strangles.

The other night we had come home from the visitation and it was a long wait to see the family. His wife was there that my wife worked with for years and his son and daughter were there that I had taught when they were in school. I passed them and did the visit thinking how much they are in numb pain and just going through the motions. Then we get home and I am helping my wife with making pancakes for her kids at school which is great because I needed something to take my mind and concentration.

All the while I was making these pancakes while my wife was feeling guilty about not being able to help. She suffers from rheumatoid and inflammation pain so was resting. I was in the kitchen working away trying to get the images out of my head - - - trying to focus on cooking - -- trying to think of something else but him laying in the casket all the while his wife and kids were going through the motions of hundreds of people just passing by them . I just couldn't shake it.

I was breathing irregularly which caused my wife to think I was mad that I was doing all this by myself without her help. But what I was really thinking was- how the hell would she be able to do this if I was not there? How could she baby and treat her students if I was not able to help her this night, right now? And then I started crying. How sad it that?

My mind spirals- Now I am thinking about how I will be going to bed and pulling her close while his wife will be all alone. Just that fleeting thought of going to my bed and knowing it would be empty the rest of my life was crushing my chest and I cried even more. Now I am thinking about getting up in the morning and not having the chance to kiss her and say how long she had to get up or never having the chance to get her medicines ready or how I would miss hearing her voice on the phone or how she giggles with her mischievous grin when she is up to something or how she feels when I hug her or how she smells with the perfume I love or …….. a million of other random thoughts and memories that are just memories now for his wife and kids. And I wipe my tears.

I feel so bad about being thankful that it is not me and not my wife.

So here it is, I am not the only one. I am positive that there are lots of others that feel the same way. It does not take away guilt but it sets my mind spinning another direction. If the absolute unfathomable happens and I should pass suddenly, I would hope that every single person who knows me and of me pulls their loved one closer. I would want them to feel so guilty that they wished it was not them or their spouse. I would want them to hang on to them and not want to let go. I would want them to say every day how much their spouse means to them and say it every day for the rest of their lives because they know that tomorrow is not guarantied. That is me. That is what I do and that is what all spouses should do. It would be honoring my memory to love your wife or husband harder.

Life can sure set the mind heart in motion. Losing our staff member sure got me all shook.

Love story- part 9

I was in church today and the most common passage was discussed today. It was the old Corinthians verses used in weddings. It is this:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸ Love never fails.

I am not sure how a lot of you feel about the Bible but I bet you can agree on one thing - whether you believe in God and Jesus or not - it has it right when it comes to this. 

I was listening to the words and mulling them over and rolling them in my mind. I have been married now for almost 20 years and hearing this verses today struck a much different chord than they did when I was newly married. As I look back at my relationship with my wife, I can honestly say that I have held as true to these words as any. I know people envy or long to have a marriage like mine and they may think that it is all because of me. I have been told that I need to give lessons to other men on what a husband should be like. I have been told that they wish their husband was like me. You know, stuff like that. 

I have said, "Naw, that would not be good, I only know how to be a good husband to my Beautiful."

I don't think I am going to say that anymore. I am going to say that if someone wants to be a good husband or wife, the Bible has it right. You just have to make sure you read it in context. That is very important. I have discussed this in another post about having an unpopular view of marriage. This passage above struck me profoundly today as I thought of how my wife and I live out these actions and beliefs. 

-Love is patient - it takes time to let the other be who they are. 
-Love is kind - You would never be mean or hurtful to one you love.
-Love does not envy - It is not love if it envies an other's love
-It does not boast - Boasting is for those who are unsure of themselves. Let your love and actions speak for themselves.  
- It is not proud - Pride is one of those things that can be toxic. Pride is thinking you have something others do not. Love is something that everyone should want for every one. 
- Dishonoring others - we do not take away from others or belittle what they have. 
- Not self seeking - Don't be in it just for you. That is being selfish and will suck a relationship dry.
- Not easily angered - Anger only destroys. 
-Keeps no record - If you have dealt with it, then leave it in the past.
- Rejoices in the truth - Honesty is shown and demonstrated.
- Always protects, hope, perseveres - This means so much more to me now. My wife has protected me when I was down and attacked emotionally, she gave me hope that we will make it every day just because we were together and that was enough, and we have persevered - together. 
- Love never fails - Love never fails - Love never fails.  

You want to know my "secret.?" Well, I guess I don't have one. When I read the passages on love and marriage throughout the whole book of the bible, it is all there. You have to soul search and really deconstruct and do some heavy understanding. But, it is all in there. That is how I do it.

My love story - Renew vows?

     I was at a friend's house playing a game. His wife came in and sat for awhile asking us questions about how to play this game. Well of course the subject of marriage came up. His wife asked me if I would ever think about renewing my vows.
     I responded, "No" with such finality that they were stunned silent. I could see in their eyes and offended expressions of surprise that they were thinking, "Well, okay then!"
     I knew that I had to do some explaining. For all I knew, they probably thought I didn't think my marriage was good enough to renew my vows. That is untrue. I am sure they see my marriage like a lot of others with a lot of fondness. They sure did have looks of surprise and dumbfoundedness at how final my tone was though. I bet they be thought this was very unromantic for such a romantic guy.
   I wonder what the purpose is to renew vows. To me, it it seems like renewing vows are for people who forget why they got married or if they are in a rough patch this is how to patch it up. That's kind of like them saying "Hey we need to renew our vows so that we can prove to ourselves and to other people that we still love each other." Could it be just showing off? I bet some people do that.
    That is just not for me. I know why I got married. I don't need to renew my vows when I'm reminded everyday that I look at her why I bent a knee and asked for her hand. I don't need to renew my vows because I show and prove to her everyday that I meant every word of the vows I gave her on our wedding day. Twenty years later and I am still proving to her everyday that I meant every word.
     To me, renewing vows is kind of a gimick or a way to fix something that should not be broken.

   
     
   

Love story Part 8 - Loving yourself first

     If you are getting in a relationship to "fix yourself," then it is doomed to fail. You have seen it a lot of times. I will hear or see how someone will say that when they met this person or that person, they took the pieces and made them whole again. Or, a person will say that they wanted someone that will make them feel wanted, or important, or happy or...….etc. I personally don't feel that is the way to be looking for a life partner. You have to love yourself first.

     Loving yourself first. It is the way to be happy. It is hard for some to do more than others. I mean, I am one happy guy. How did I get that way? Well, I can't remember a time when I was not in a good mood all the time. I just think it is in my personality. I have even been called "irritatingly happy." It was not a long road for me to travel to be happy and love who I am. That is not true for others. They just need more time and need to train themselves to it.

     I lucked out, I had a supporting family. My parents let me explore just about anything I was curious about. I was also lucky because a had a natural sense of caution. So, I really didn't get hurt physically, emotionally, or psychologically very often. Lots of people wished they could say that I am sure. But either way, you learn a lot from doing and observing. Most importantly, you have to be introspective. You have to be aware deep down, in a place you are hidden most, what it is that will make you happy.

      And I can't help you with that. Sorry. If knew what would make all people happy and confident in themselves so that they would have long stable love lives, I would probably be famous and have lots of money. . . . .Yeah, that would be funny. I am too weird and "eccentric" to have any good advice on such things. But then again . . . . I think many would agree that I am going strong so far, eh?

      I am getting off-topic. Maybe I can give you some pointers on finding your happiness. You know, to love yourself first. I was lying about it being in my personality. It is to an extent but I also trained myself to lean towards being happy. You know, I learned how to choose to be happy. It is hard and scary for some people because of what they think their needs are. But then again, are those the very things that are holding them back?

     First, I think spending time by yourself is very important. If you can't remember a time when you were without someone and the thought of being alone scares you, well that is probably something you may need to do. Being by yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally is scary if you have not done that for a while (or ever). You have to get to know yourself. You have to have all those exterior influences out of the way to be able to feel for yourself. When I was a teen, I actually did this literally by taking long all-day hikes in a state forest. Being alone will help you to be rid of fear like the fear of being alone and to like being with yourself. You will feel more comfortable with yourself. When the time comes, being comfortable with yourself will help others be comfortable around you.

    Knowing what your strengths are and what you truly enjoy doing is important. Take pride in what you can do and spend time getting better. Be careful though to not be arrogant. Be confident instead. Arrogance is telling with lack of empathy and confidence is showing with humility. How can you love yourself if you don't know what you are good at? I love that I can draw and be empathetic. I love that I can build things and solve problems. I am good a serving people. What a great personality trait to be a teacher! Love what you can do and love to do them better. You will love yourself for being able to do them.

     Know what you want out of life. This takes time and experience. I did a lot of it by observing others. I thought - I will never let someone treat me like that! Or, I would think I am never going to let that happen to me! Honestly, I would watch what others were doing and how it affected them and I would decide if that was something for me or not. I knew that I could not do a trade for a job. I had worked for the road commission and didn't like it at all. I knew that I wanted a wife and kids and for her to be confident in what she could do. The list can go on. But, then again, you have to look deep and be very introspective to know truly what you want. Think about it - how can you know if a person is best for you as a spouse if you don't know what is best for you in the first place? Trust me, marriage does not fix you or fix your problems. It only works if you know how to do that already.

    In the end, it all comes down to choices. You choose to be happy. Sometimes the choices are hard to make. . . . well, not some times - more like most of the time.. Maybe you have to choose new friends. Maybe you have to drop people from your friend list. Maybe you have to get away for a while. Maybe you have to move to a different neighborhood. Maybe you have to find a way to work towards a different career. For those that are having the worst time, these choices are the hardest to make and make happen. If you have not been enjoying life, it can be hard to find out what it is that you enjoy. Keep looking though. Take time to search. It has to be for you alone before you decide to share it with someone else.

    I think that is the key. You can't make a happy life by adding a spouse. You can make a happy life happier by sharing it with a spouse. So, find what makes you happy and love yourself. Then go looking for the one that is perfect to share that life with.

How the heck did I get this "Mentor" gig?

I look back at my career as a teacher and think, how did I make it those first years? I mean, honestly, I was as green as the new shoots of spring! No Joke. I know that some would feel that is a lie but I was one of those that had to grow into my teaching persona. I had a hard time with control in the classroom and keeping lessons coherent and knowing how to grade papers and doing the most stupid things. I was pitiful, really I was. Oh, how sad I was!

I envied those like my wife that seemed to be born a teacher. No kidding, her mom tells stories of how she would line up her stuffed animals on her bed and "teach" them. Have you ever seen her going down a hall with twenty little kinders all in a row behind her like little ducklings? Cute as the dickens, yes, but puts a kink in my crawl. I remember walking down the hallway of her school one day while she had a 6th grader in a Come to Jesus talk. He took a step towards her petite 5-foot self to intimidate her. . . he learned fast that was NOT a good idea. I think I even hesitated a moment!

It would have been all over but the cryin' by the second year if it were not for my mentor. My mentor saved my career. She was a 60 year old feisty enthusiastic full of life love with a passion woman. And she gave me more than I could ever repay. She guided me to be the teacher I am today. She taught me what it really meant to be a teacher.

Lessons like -

If you are not having fun, you are not doing it right.

If you try to be the teacher you envy, you will never be the teacher you are meant to be.

They are just kids, you don't let them hurt your feelings. 

You know the stuff, you know how you understand it, now show them how you understand it.

If you love it, so will they.

If you don't know, say you don't know. Then model how you would find out.

Never be afraid to show them you are a human with feelings and a life. 

I can remember to this day how she would come into my room and take a seat in one of my student chairs. She would look at me as I sat all pitiful and looking beaten down and say, "Do you want to be fired?" Then she would tell me what I was doing wrong and then tell me how I can fix it. In those first three years, I learned a lot. I grew a lot. I matured a lot. And, it was all because of her. 

Then I lost my job, moved halfway across the country, and started it all again. This is when I met my second mentor. She was my emotional mentor and boy did I need it! I owe her more than I can say, too.

So, now I wear the mantle of Mentor myself and I have no idea how I got it. Well, That is not true. I know. The reason I spent all that time talking about my mentors is because a good mentor makes good mentors. I feel this obligation to mentor and care for those around me because I know what it was like. I know how hard a job teaching can be. I know that it can be debilitating some days. I feel such empathy towards all these new teachers that I am compelled to help them become the teacher they are because someone did that for me. And, I didn't really realize it at first. 

Look at this:

I’m incredibly happy for you! Doesn’t mean I’m not also sad about it (moving to a different school). You’ve been, hands down, one of the best mentors to me since I started teaching. I know you tell me all the time you were irritated that I came in and taught like an experienced professional off the bat—but to me that’s not true. And if it weren’t for you and your mentoring, I doubt I would have made it as far as I have. Words will never adequately convey how thankful I am to have worked with you, and to have been mentored by you. When I’ve had rough days, it’s been you who found a way to help me see the bright side. And when things didn’t go right with my wife and her job at the school, you were always one of the first to try and “fix” the problem, because that’s just who you are. You’ve really left a mark with me and her, and I know she would agree wholeheartedly.

I love ya. Expect to keep in touch—because I’ll need my science dad on both the rough days and the good days. Just because you move buildings doesn’t exempt you from being the wise ear and shoulder to lean on. Thank you so, so much for everything you’ve imparted on me these last six years. You were the person I needed and more.

I am not going to lie, I shed a tear on this one. I had no idea I had made that kind of impact on this one. Again, I am finding out that good mentors make good mentors. I have taken up the behaviors of mentoring others without really knowing. It had become a habit for me. I didn't even realize I was doing it. So, someday, those I have made such an impact on, they will take up the job someday down the road. Maybe they will be aware, maybe they won't. 

I would have argued all day long back in those days that I would never be the mentor mine was. I would be able to guide a youngin to be a great teacher. At the time I would have thought I was barely keeping it together myself. Well, here I am, 18 yrs later offering my advice, enthusiasm, and guidance. Who would have thought? Not me. That is for sure! 

So, carry on my mentees. Do what you do. Keep growing and refining. Keep becoming the teacher you are meant to be. Never feel that you cannot pull on my ear. 

Love story Part 7 – Some hearts will get broken

                   I have said before how important it is to know what you want and then settle for no less. It is easier said than done as they say. People are emotional and emotions can run the roost. That is why hearts get broken. It is true with everyone I am sure. I would even say that if your heart has not been hurt when searching for love that you must not be human.

                    I look back and think about all the crushes I have had. I was the nice guy that was friend zoned and black balled into that guise all throughout high school. I am not going to lie, it sucked. I crushed on some girls that would not even give me a second thought. They would start seeing this guy and that only to end in ruins. In my mind I would gloat a little thinking – see there, you would not have had to gone through that if it was me. But then, that was my teen hormones talking with a heavy dose of spite.

                    As I ventured into college, my heart did not run my search and emotions as much. I guess it was this elusive maturity thing that was sneaking up on me. I still had crushes and boy did I fall hard sometimes.  But, for some reason, in the back of my mind They were tempered because I was conscience to it. I realized that I had to wait. I was cautious and scared of heartbreak, you see. I had seen it a lot and knew from what I saw that it was not going to go well for me if it went bad. I knew that time would tell if what I was experiencing was truly what I was looking for or if it was that temporary high of crushing on someone.

                    With all that being said, probably one of the most surprising facts that someone finds out about me is that I was dating two girls seriously at once before I chose to go with my wife. It is true. Some would say I was being a player and others would judge me for being immoral. Be as that may, it was really none of those. I was on the lookout for a wife and I was not taking that search lightly.

                    First, I was plain and open to both. They knew about each other. I was upfront about the whole ordeal. Second, I made sure that I was not taking advantage of either of them. This may be too much but it is important to know that there was no way that I was going to be intimate with either one when I knew that in the end, I was cutting one loose. That was morally wrong and I was not going to be “that guy.” Third, I was not going to be the type that would string them along because I couldn’t have the fortitude to let go when I knew it was going nowhere. So I did it in two or three weeks. I made a choice.

                    That was a very hard day for me. I went to the girl’s apartment to tell her that I had decided. I am not sure how other guys feel when they are getting ready to stab the heart of a girl but I was breaking because of it. This girl was honest to goodness a good girl and would make a great partner for some lucky guy. It just was not me and there was no way for me to make it any easier for her. Telling her that she was a great girl when I was also telling her that I chose someone else would be cruel and mean. Some guys can’t do it and in the end, it is worse.  I made a vow to myself that I would not be that guy.

                    So, when I did not come fully into the apartment and I was stuttering the words to a hello, she knew. She knew what I was going to say and she started to cry. She was being rejected and I was the one rejecting. I steeled myself, told her that I had chosen the other. I didn’t linger because what would that do? I didn’t try to smooth it over or fill her with false comments about finding another. I didn’t try to soothe her anguish or tears. I just said that I was sorry and that maybe I would see her around campus. In my mind though, I knew she would be okay never to have seen me again. I had to be fine with that and I was. Nothing I did could have made it okay to her and I knew that. I could only hope that someone someday would reverse all I did.

                    To this day, I don’t regret what I decided to do. I had to make a choice and I did. I did not do the whole ordeal with cloak and dagger. I was not going to play these girls. I was upfront and honest with both of them. And in the end, I only saw the other girl once. She ran up to me in the science hall of college one day after being hurt again by someone else. She only needed comfort and a shoulder to cry on. And that was all she needed really. She knew I was the one to get her through. Other than that day, I have not seen her since. In my heart I hope she found the lasting love I have. She deserved it. She really did. I just was not the one that could have done it for her.

Causing pain just by being alive

I was told one day by a student that just being alive causes others pain. I said that is an interesting statement, would you like to give me an essay about that? And you know what? She did. and here it is:

Do We Cause Each Other Pain by Being Alive?

                Have you ever pondered upon the idea that we hurt ourselves and the people around us by being alive? I’m sure we all do at some point in our lives. No matter how much we try not to hurt each other, someone always ends up hurt! Our words hurt each other and half the time we never notice it until it’s too late, we’re all very judgmental whether we like it or not, and we all cause ourselves pain by being self-conscious.
               I’m sure we’re all happy there were different ways created to communicate with each other. Of course, though, it can also be a curse. With only a few words, we can ruin a person’s day. Half the time we never realize what we’re doing, and we may end up saying something someone doesn’t like. I’m sure we’ve all done this at least once in our lives. Blah blah blah It’s 10:06 PM and I should be sleeping.
                Even if you don’t want to tell that person what you think, you probably run off to your friends and tell them all about what you think of them. You could even be judgmental in your head. You probably experience both things almost every day… unless you have no friends… like some people (ehem. . . you). I was honestly motivated to do this an hour ago, but I sort of just don’t really feel as motivated anymore. I’m probably going to be up until like 3 AM again. I have sleeping issues. Help.
               Not only are we hurting each other, but we’re hurting ourselves. In our heads, we probably bully ourselves like every day. Worst thing is, we all know our weakest spots and we can upset ourselves so easily. I’m going to keep getting off topic but its like 10:22, so… you know. I was like really serious about this but I have more work to finish for you tonight so I need to hurry up and finish this and stufffff lol.
                In conclusion, we all make ourselves and others around us sad. I’m not gonna do any of this right but I really don’t care. We’re all honestly a horrible race but at the same time we’re amazing but like why do we have to hurt each other and stuff, you know??? lol

       I couldn't help but to have a response to this. I couldn't let her have the last word on this without putting out there a little advice. So this is what I said:

What is it about living life that involves so much pain? Just so you know, the word pain is an interesting word as it is used by people. It could be physical as if being hit somewhere on your body. Or, it could also be emotional and psychological like when someone says that they have a broken heart. It is funny though, as far as your brain is concerned, one type is no different than the other. If you think I am lying . . . you can look it up.

   I was recently told that just being alive causes pain. The pain we cause is not just to others but also ourselves. Wow, that is a heavy thing to contemplate. Pain can be unintentional by what we say either flippantly or without empathy. We throw out just a couple of words with no thought at all that will cause devastation to another’s day. We can distribute pain by being too judgmental without looking at it from our own personal view. It is them . . . not us. We walk around on our high horse speaking about another we don’t like except to that very person themselves. Of course, when this gets around, it hurts and pains the one you are talking about.

   And then there is the pain we inflict upon ourselves. The self-doubt of ourselves can be debilitating. In our minds, our faults are magnified to encompass the entirety of our brains and emotions. It can be suffocating, really, if you think about it too much. Our view of how others view us is one-sided – our side – and without direct confirmation that our fears are unfounded, we are left glancing over our shoulders wondering . . .

   Wondering what are they thinking . . .

  Wondering what are they saying . . .

   There are even those who have so much inner pain, so much inner turmoil, that they will physically hurt themselves to see if it can be any worse than what they are feeling inside. 

And is it? 

I will never know.

   So is it true? Do we cause pain by just being alive? God, I hope not. I have to believe deep down that it is not true. Don’t let me misguide you. I have lived through much of the pain as described above. No one is safe from it. No one can hide. No one can be sheltered enough. But here I am, older now, and I look back and think – How did I rise above all that? What was it that made me plow through and come out to the other side where such things are now trivial? The short answer is, I have no flipping idea. The long answer is that I got to a point where I had to build a fork in the road of my life and then make the right turn.

  I had to make a conscious effort to change not only the way I treated other people and say different things but to also reinvent my mindset. I had to start looking for the good in people and life and myself. I had to train my brain to see silver linings and not to let little things keep me from enjoying life and enjoying the company of others. I had to look at each individual and really see them as an individual - To see them as a unique person. I had to accept that they are not like me and that is perfectly alright and possibly have the chance of making my life better.

   It was not easy. It took time and internal fortitude. It took an endeavor on the scale of ripping every individual fiber out of a tapestry and rearranging them into a new scene. A new outlook. A new picture of what life should look like and feel like. Was it hard? You bet. Did it take a long time? Absolutely. Was it worth it? Well, how can I answer so that you can understand?

 The question is – are you willing to try it yourself? Are you?

                 

    

Love story - part 6 - I said it first

I said it first.
And She did not say it back.

It was another night about three weeks into dating her. I had decided that I was going to only date her and I had let the other one know that I had made my choice. (ummmm. . . . I will have to tell that story another time I think.) Well, we had just gotten back from going out and to tell you the truth, I have no idea where we went or what we did. We had camped out on the couch with me laying with my back against the couch and her leaning up against me. We were watching a movie just enjoying each other's company.

We had up to this point not really been heavy serious and the whole thing had been moving along very slowly. As I was lying there though, I was not paying attention to the movie. I was thinking of how I was feeling. I was thinking of how much I liked to be with her. I liked to talk to her. I looked forward to seeing her every day. Having her in my arms was like having on a well-worn fitted jacket. I was getting in touch with my emotions and I just decided to say out loud how I was feeling.

I said softly from behind her, my lips right beside her ear . . . "I love you."

That moment will forever be etched in my mind. The whole day before that instant is a complete blur and fuzzy. The minute after that statement was said was as crystal clear as if it happened only a minute ago. The moment I proclaimed my love to her, I felt this stiffening in her body and she actually made a small gasping sound right before I felt her hold her breath. She was facing away from me so I couldn't even see her to read an expression. And there we were, my heart racing with fear and adrenaline for my epiphany and her in her tense state of . . . I don't know.

I don't know because she didn't say it back. She didn't say anything. She just froze for a moment. Then she relaxed melting into me a little. But, she said nothing. And she said nothing after that. Or the next morning. Or the next day and I was not going to nag her about it. 

I know what you are thinking. It seems that if there is no reciprocating of such a proclamation that would be a bad sign. Honestly though, did I have to hear it back? Would that have cemented my resolve and affirm our destiny together? No. What was it going to do? Make me un-love her?

The truth is, I didn't need to hear it back. I especially did not want to hear it from her if she didn't mean it and feel it. And, by the way, when was it the end of the world when someone did not say it back to you? What kind of bunk is that kind of thinking? All I knew is that being with her was a whole new kind of thing for me. I was far from the whole jumping in headfirst and proposing but I was starting to emotionally attach myself to her. I was falling for her. It took a couple of weeks but there we were.

Looking back, I bet that was very scary for her. Her heart knew what it was like to be broken and mine didn't. She had a guy that had told her that he loved her. She thought he was "The One." She thought that he would want to marry her. She had years of her life invested in this guy. But, he ended up not wanting her. He ended up cheating with another girl and getting her pregnant. So was it understandable for my now wife to be hesitant in falling in love? Sure it was and I was not going to guilt or shame her into saying or doing anything she didn't want to or truly feel. What kind of relationship can be built on that?

So I was the first to say it. She didn't say it back. And I was okay with that.

I do not teach with my brain.

I teach with my heart.
I teach with my empathy
I teach with my intuition
I teach with my creativity
I teach with my passion
I teach with my skills
I teach with my art
I teach with my wisdom
I teach with my enthusiasm
I teach with my optimism
I teach with my flexibility
I teach with my humor
I teach with my compassion
I teach with my faults
I teach with my personality

I do not teach with my brain. I do not teach mere facts and knowledge.

I teach my kids.

I teach young souls.

I teach soul to soul, heart to heart.

My love story - part 5

I knew that I had to have someone to love.

It was weird, I think, that as I fumbled through my teens and high school that I was not so sure that everyone needed the same thing. You know? I had this sense that everyone had a drive to want to be in some relationship, but I was not so sure that they had to have someone to love. Teens. What a confusion in a body. I was not sure that some of the people that I was around even knew what they wanted half the time.

Why was it that people were so eager to hook up when they were not ready? I think it is the stigma of our culture. Isn't it a subconscious drive of media and society that we all are miserable unless we have someone hanging off our arms? I know that in high school it seemed as if there was something wrong with you if you didn't have a girl on your side. How many girls are looked at as if there is something wrong if they are not married by 30 or talking about having kids? I mean, don't all girls want kids? What is wrong if they don't? Why is it that guys are picked on if they are not talking of their conquests or how they are giving a good hunt? Why is it not the cool thing if we are looking for content instead of a dust jacket? Where does that come from? Why does it seem that a guy has to have a mindset of "one and done?" Well ,that may be a topic of higher discussion.

All that I knew at the time is that I needed someone to love. I had too much empathy and inner emotional fortitude to not share it with a true life companion. Honestly, there were days it seemed to cause me to ache when the yearning was most intense. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach where it radiated into my chest and thoughts. In the back of my mind though, I knew that I could not just pick anyone or just fall for the first girl who batted an eye. I had to be deliberate. I had to take the time and make progress with not only the guidance of my heart but of my mind too. I had to make sure that neither one had the run of the show. I had seen too many times with that failing and ending in shambles.

It was hard going. It was almost unbearable at times. I found it though. I know that sometimes when I told someone who I was seeing and how serious it was that they took it skeptically. Most had never known me to be in the game much and wondered if I truly had any idea if this was really the one. Him? They would think. That guy who never dated? He had never had a girlfriend and now he is engaged? Well that probably won't last long. . . I have seen it a lot. Many times it came from my own family. But why is that so bad? Why is it that a lack of dating and girlfriends is a sign of misgiving and foreshadowing of failure? I know, it is because a lot of people had to fail in order to know themselves. People have to take a hit or two before they really knew what they wanted. People go into a relationship jaded with what they think loving someone is like as they have seen on TV or movies. Then they find out that is not the type of love they want. They find out that those fairy tales are not their fairy tale.

Well, I was different. I watched and soul searched. I was thoughtful and was in touch with my feelings. I understood my wants and needs. I understood the type of person that would compliment me and enjoy what I had to offer. I hate the whole "they are the other half of me" crap. My wife is not the other half to me. I was not a half of person. I was not broken or incomplete. I was a full person that needed another to share my life with. I needed a person to show what strength of faith was. I needed another person who understood what it was like to be their own person and to enjoy themselves with another who was just as much of their own person.

In short, I need someone to love and to share my life with. It was not going to be just anyone either. I understood that I would spend time looking. I understood that it could have been a long time. . . . maybe never. One thing was certain, I was not going to waste my time going through one girl after another just to fill a "void" that was not there. I was not looking for someone to start living life when I had a life going already. I am sure I would have had a good life without if that was in my cards. That was for other people that didn't understand. I knew that I had to be deliberate and patient. I had to stand my ground and not give in to stigma.

So, here I am about 20 yrs later. I have no regrets and not much to offer others with advice on how to navigate relationships. I have only had one true run. I have no experience to help others. I only really know how to love her. I only know how to be with her. I only looked for one and when I found her, that was when I knew I could stop looking and start my journey with her.

I just know that I needed someone to love and I am lucky beyond what I deserve to have found her.

The octopus story

            This is a life story that is a tried and true for my classes. Boy is it well liked. The kids have affectionately called it The Octopus Story. What the point I try to get to is that kids say the darndest things. I also want the kids to know that there should be no shame in calling anything by its proper name. This one is truly a favorite of my students.

            You know how kids when they just first start to talk are hard to understand? You know what I am talking about. You look at the mother because for some reason, the mom is always the universal translator for their own child. Yeah, the mom…. Not the dad. Anyway. This was not true with my son. He articulated words practically perfect since he first started to speak. In fact, I remember his first two syllable word - ‘a-pol.’

            It is funny because I remember giving my son a bath and saying to him what the parts are that we were washing. I would say we are washing the arms and ears and legs and penis…..then I heard my wife yell from the living room ----“Don’t tell him that!” Well, we had a bit of a disagreement as to what to call “it.” I have to say I won. We were calling “it” by its proper name.

            So, One day I was out shopping with my wife and son when he was about two and a half years old or so. My wife was looking at the clothes and you know I love my wife dearly, but man can she spend some time looking at clothes! No, really. That girl and wear you out in a store! I have a problem though - My wife is 5 foot, you see, and when she darts into the racks. . .well, I can’t see her. So, usually I just set up by a rack on the isle and use it as a leaning post. Then I just wait until she pops out down the line and I move to that spot and wait until she pops out for air again. Of course this gives me lots of time to contemplate life and such.

            This day I was standing in the aisle close to a sale rack. A woman cam up to the rack I was leaning against to look at what tidbits were on sale. I thought – if you think I am moving then you got another thing coming. I was watching my son in his stroller. He was really into looking at this stuffed Octopus we had handed him. You know the kind, it was one of those buy this for five bucks and we will donate ninety nine cents to some charity type of thing. They had a whole rack of them as we entered the store. They had a crab and shark and whale and two or three others. They had those cute embroidered inspirational words on them like ‘faith’ and ‘strength’ or something like that. Well when we walked through the door, my son pointed at the rack and practically screamed, “Oct-pus! Oct-Pus! Oct-pus! And…. Of course he got one.

            Well, he was running his hand over this thing and turning it over and over. He was really giving this thing a once over. He turned the octopus over so that the legs were facing up and he was looking at the bottom. He ran his finger over the embroidered word “happiness”.  The material on the bottom was two pieces sewn together with a seam right down the center with the legs spreading out. He ran his finger down the seam once and then paused and did it again. He did this several times. Then, he looked up at me and said,

            “Daddy?”

            “Yes, Son?”

            “Where’s its penis?”

             Yep, that is right. He said penis. Now this was not really a huge surprise to me since that is what we have always called it. That is its name, so we always use the proper names. Why not? It is better than coming up with all the silly stuff like wee wee or digginy or Bob or some such nonsense.

            Anyway, my son was gifted with the ability to pronunciate any word he hears to the point where there is no doubt as to what he said. So, when he asked me this question, there was no doubt what he asked and it was clear as a bell.

            There was one other problem, the woman on the other side of the rack heard him too. And I had no doubt that she was sure of what he said. Out of the peripheral vision, I saw her head snap up and towards me. I did not even have to look to see the expression on her face. Thinking quickly as I could as I felt the heat rising in my face I said back to him,

            “Son, Octopuses don’t like peanuts, Elephants like peanuts.”

            He looked at the stuffed animal contemplating while I just hoped that he heard what I said.

            It seemed like a life time when he finally said, “Octopus don’t like peanuts, Elephants like peanuts.”

            Whew!!! “That’s right son, very good,” I said back as I moved away quickly.

            To this day, I have no doubt that the woman had no questions about what my boy had said. And when I think back, I should have just explained it to him and who cares what that woman would have thought about me as a father. I also think that I gave into being ashamed at being so socially trained to think that the word ‘Penis’ is offensive for some reason. Today, I would probably not bat an eye because I have decided that people can just put their big girl or boy pants on and accept that as parents, we do the best we can. Besides, the word ‘penis’ should not be any more offensive than the word arm or leg or nose……

My family gives me perspective.

My wife asks me a lot about why I stay with her. I have always given her a boost of confidence and reassured her of how lucky I am to be with her. It is hard though. She struggles with mild depression and body pain that could be rheumatoid(. . . Maybe? ) and other mild but chronic ailments. She looks at what it takes for others to leave their wives and cant believe I am still with her. Is it only me? It seems people will give up on their marriage for the littlest or pettiest things I have to say though, after visiting with my family, she sees that I am not kidding about being lucky.

My family puts things in perspective. Now I am not going to hang my siblings out to dry and criticize them for their marriages, but it sure does show my wife how much different their lives and expectations are compared to us. She talks and sees a lot of things that they do in their relationships that we honestly have no idea why they put up with it.  But, that is theirs and ours is ours.

In the end, I cannot stress enough how important it is to know yourself deeply. In order to have a successful marriage or any type of relationship, you have to know yourself first. Be deliberate with who you are seeking. Let your mind in on choosing as well as your heart.

I see my brother and sisters with how they have landed in their marriages. It seems to work fine with them but it is not for me. I have picked my wife and I am soooooooo happy with her. She frets a lot about me and how I can "put up" with some of the setbacks and uncontrollable stuff we have been going through. All I have to do and visit or even bring up my brother and sisters and all that comes into perspective. Then she understands . . . at least for a little while. . . .why I am so happy with her.