If you are getting in a relationship to "fix yourself," then it is doomed to fail. You have seen it a lot of times. I will hear or see how someone will say that when they met this person or that person, they took the pieces and made them whole again. Or, a person will say that they wanted someone that will make them feel wanted, or important, or happy or...….etc. I personally don't feel that is the way to be looking for a life partner. You have to love yourself first.
Loving yourself first. It is the way to be happy. It is hard for some to do more than others. I mean, I am one happy guy. How did I get that way? Well, I can't remember a time when I was not in a good mood all the time. I just think it is in my personality. I have even been called "irritatingly happy." It was not a long road for me to travel to be happy and love who I am. That is not true for others. They just need more time and need to train themselves to it.
I lucked out, I had a supporting family. My parents let me explore just about anything I was curious about. I was also lucky because a had a natural sense of caution. So, I really didn't get hurt physically, emotionally, or psychologically very often. Lots of people wished they could say that I am sure. But either way, you learn a lot from doing and observing. Most importantly, you have to be introspective. You have to be aware deep down, in a place you are hidden most, what it is that will make you happy.
And I can't help you with that. Sorry. If knew what would make all people happy and confident in themselves so that they would have long stable love lives, I would probably be famous and have lots of money. . . . .Yeah, that would be funny. I am too weird and "eccentric" to have any good advice on such things. But then again . . . . I think many would agree that I am going strong so far, eh?
I am getting off-topic. Maybe I can give you some pointers on finding your happiness. You know, to love yourself first. I was lying about it being in my personality. It is to an extent but I also trained myself to lean towards being happy. You know, I learned how to choose to be happy. It is hard and scary for some people because of what they think their needs are. But then again, are those the very things that are holding them back?
First, I think spending time by yourself is very important. If you can't remember a time when you were without someone and the thought of being alone scares you, well that is probably something you may need to do. Being by yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally is scary if you have not done that for a while (or ever). You have to get to know yourself. You have to have all those exterior influences out of the way to be able to feel for yourself. When I was a teen, I actually did this literally by taking long all-day hikes in a state forest. Being alone will help you to be rid of fear like the fear of being alone and to like being with yourself. You will feel more comfortable with yourself. When the time comes, being comfortable with yourself will help others be comfortable around you.
Knowing what your strengths are and what you truly enjoy doing is important. Take pride in what you can do and spend time getting better. Be careful though to not be arrogant. Be confident instead. Arrogance is telling with lack of empathy and confidence is showing with humility. How can you love yourself if you don't know what you are good at? I love that I can draw and be empathetic. I love that I can build things and solve problems. I am good a serving people. What a great personality trait to be a teacher! Love what you can do and love to do them better. You will love yourself for being able to do them.
Know what you want out of life. This takes time and experience. I did a lot of it by observing others. I thought - I will never let someone treat me like that! Or, I would think I am never going to let that happen to me! Honestly, I would watch what others were doing and how it affected them and I would decide if that was something for me or not. I knew that I could not do a trade for a job. I had worked for the road commission and didn't like it at all. I knew that I wanted a wife and kids and for her to be confident in what she could do. The list can go on. But, then again, you have to look deep and be very introspective to know truly what you want. Think about it - how can you know if a person is best for you as a spouse if you don't know what is best for you in the first place? Trust me, marriage does not fix you or fix your problems. It only works if you know how to do that already.
In the end, it all comes down to choices. You choose to be happy. Sometimes the choices are hard to make. . . . well, not some times - more like most of the time.. Maybe you have to choose new friends. Maybe you have to drop people from your friend list. Maybe you have to get away for a while. Maybe you have to move to a different neighborhood. Maybe you have to find a way to work towards a different career. For those that are having the worst time, these choices are the hardest to make and make happen. If you have not been enjoying life, it can be hard to find out what it is that you enjoy. Keep looking though. Take time to search. It has to be for you alone before you decide to share it with someone else.
I think that is the key. You can't make a happy life by adding a spouse. You can make a happy life happier by sharing it with a spouse. So, find what makes you happy and love yourself. Then go looking for the one that is perfect to share that life with.
