I wrote this a while ago it seems and didn't realize I hadn't added it to my journal. So here it is.
I have been contemplating what it really means to be a man.
This is on my mind a lot for a personal reason. I feel as if my son who is 14
right now is not on the road to being the man he needs to be. He tells me that
he will not be like me and that I am trying to turn him into me. It hurts a
little but the more I think about what he is saying, that is not what I am
really trying to do.
What I am trying to do is to get him to be a true Man – not
the socialized stereotyped falsity perpetuated by history or even dramatized in novels and movies. I want him to be a
man in definition and action that defies those aforementioned trivialities to
be a person that signifies what it means to stand out and be noticed for being
unique in a way that may not be understood but is universally accepted as being
unlike anything that has been before. Of, course it is not a new concept but becoming
a rare one I think.
So here is my view of what it means to be a real man. There
are 10 parts:
1. Men break the stereotypes of what a man is in society.
Men don’t
cry and men are kings of the castle and men are aggressive and men dominate and
men are . . . are . . . . .are. Well, these types of men according to society
will never be ones that can truly affect people in a way that men who break
those stereotypes. Compassionate, feeling, decisive, helpful, thoughtful, and caring men can do a lot for our society. What is next I feel may be
unconventional but is raw in truth.
2. Men never say what they do not mean.
A favorite
lyric of mine from Pearl Jam goes like this – “Some words when spoken, can’t be
taken back.” Well, that is not true. ALL words when spoken cannot be taken
back. ALL OF THEM. If it is in your heart and mind, it is on your lips. A
person can’t say something that they have not thought at one time or that they don't believe.
It would never be uttered if they didn’t believe it or think it. All those
hurtful things a person says when they are angry and then say they don’t mean
them. . . well they did even if it is just a little bit and or they knew it would be hurtful and they may be ashamed
but they are not that sorry. Anger just has a way of turning off filters and then the heart is drained of emotions.
Say what
you mean and mean what you say. What a person says when they are angry (or sometimes when they are not even angry) tells
you a lot of what they truly think.
3. A man is multitalented.
If a guy
does not know how to do a lot of things, then they have not stretched
themselves. They have not found their strengths and developed a true love of
themselves and their talents. To be honest, It really does not matter what they are good at .. . .it just needs to be eclectic.
They can do
more for their fellow man if they know how to do a lot of things and do them
well. It increases their confidence and helps them to be wise with experience in many areas of talent.
4. A man has a deep sense of faith and is faithful.
Do you want
to see strength in a man? How much faith does he have that all will work out in
the end? If he has a lot of faith, then he is looking for solutions because he
has faith that there is a solution. This is how the good Lord blesses those who follow Him.
Being
faithful to your girl/girlfriend/wife/person is a no duh statement. If you
choose to be with someone, then you have done all the careful selection stuff
to make sure they are the one and you trust them to be your companion
for life and be the person that will be in it with you together with them. Be faithful to that choice and love on them with zeal.
5. Men know who they are and know what they want out of
life.
It is a
growing-up thing, I guess. And this is probably the hardest one of all to do
for any person. How can you guide or make any choices in life if you don’t
even know what you want out of it? A man has to really soul-search to know and
love themself for who they are and what they want out of life. That is the only
way to be able to understand who will make the best life with you instead
of for you. Men who understand this in themselves are not looking for
someone to complete themselves or to make them whole or to be told what to do. They
have this aura of understanding what makes them happy and are more humbly
confident.
I wanted a
job that I enjoyed and a wife I could share my life with. I wanted children and
a house that is all my own. These things hold a focus for me. All other stuff
is just icing. They are nice but they don’t hold interest for me. My focus is
my job, my wife, and my family. It shows in all I do. It may come out as
seeming like I am extraordinarily confident. That’s not really true. I just
know who I am and what I have wanted.
6. Men follow the Bible.
It might be
heresy nowadays but Jesus really knew how to go about life. You don’t have to
or may not believe all the God and Jesus stuff. Even so, if you don’t believe
all that stuff, you have to admit that the way Jesus treated people is the way
to go. If you really read the entire passages of the Bible, marriage is not a
man owning a wife believe it or not. If you truly look at all the jobs and
commandments a man has for following and how he is to treat his wife and fellow
man ( and I mean all of them – no picking and choosing verses), they are what men
should be. A man of God is a man that will make a mark in the community around
him. He may not make a mark that is broadcasted (most likely not) but he will
be missed without the people knowing why. The room will be a different place
when they are there. That is what being a man of God is all about.
7. Men are without question.
It is all
in the items above. A man will not be questioned. If a person that does not
know them questions who they are as a person or their motivations, the others
around shut it down as fast as the question is on the table. This also means
that a true man has nothing to defend themselves for. Nothing to hide is
nothing to defend. It is all out for all to see and it is consistent and
unwavering. A man is one that is beyond question and will always hold
themselves in the integrity that perpetuates it.
8. Men never stop pursuing their wife.
A man has to deliberately and carefully choose their wife. They have fallen deeply in love
with them on an emotional level and have grown an inseparable attachment to
their wife in which no one could possibly understand the uniqueness it holds
between the two. It shows when you see the man pursuing their wives with
endless vigor. They are constantly showing their love for them even at the
smallest level. A touch, a note, words of affirmation, doing chores, holding
hands, wistful glances, and all the things that had to be done because it can’t
be pent up inside, it has to pour out in a constant stream of pursuit.
9. Men need to be decisive.
It is in
the Bible really. Men need to be decisive. They need to be the leader of their
families and household. I know that this seems like the whole barbaric man of
the house thing but hear me out on this one. If the man makes the choices, then
it saves their wives from the guilt and shame for making hard and sometimes inevitably wrong decisions. I love my wife so much that I don’t want her to bear that kind
of inner turmoil.
Now, this
does not mean that a man makes these choices alone. They must listen to their
wives and take their good counsel. Why would I have married my wife if I didn’t
believe she was wise and would have good advice? I also feel that faith has a lot to do with
it too. It may not be the in thing nowadays or it may not be “woke” enough. . .
I am just saying that when it comes down to who makes the choice – it should be
the man.
10. You don’t have to be a fairytale to be a Man.
Let’s be
honest, a whole lot of what people think men should be is unrealistic. It
should be clear by now that I really have some contempt for media-driven views
of what men should be like and how movies perpetuate unrealistic views of men.
Life is longer than two hours or a grammatically wrong meme. There are days
that we just have to get through. We have moments where we are weak and moments
where we feel like we could spin the world ourselves. We have to just do day-to-day things that need to be done. Sometimes that looks like doing the dishes or
cleaning the toilet. Sometimes it looks like going out of our way just to make
another person’s day easier. Sometimes it looks like just putting down the game
controller and giving undivided time. Sometimes it is listening and giving good counsel. Sometimes it's just being there. And sometimes it is making hard choices
to save the guilt and feelings of the ones we love.
We are
people that are real and living day to day with hard choices and just trying to
get by most times. We have our moments and if we have a lot of love in our
hearts, these times come more often than others. We are people. Human beings
with human feelings and problems and successes and failings. We are not some
made-up person that looks good on screen or in magazines but has no more depth than
the tv screen or the piece of paper it’s printed on, and that is okay.
I am not sure, maybe I am on the wrong path. I do know one
thing, I sure am better off with these traits. I am not sure if I am like “the”
model of them because they are a lot to live up to, but I sure do try my best.
So here you have it, my ten traits of what it is to be a real man.
