Ok, so it is a day or two from Christmas and I have had this thing that has been eating away at me for days now. A colleague died this last week.
And why has it been eating away at me?
Well that is the whole struggle. I have been sad and upset but not about the passing.
I mean, he was a great guy and he was a Godly guy and he was a good teacher and mentor and all that, but what has been getting to me the most is the guilt. I have been feeling guilty because I have been holding my wife closer and I have been thanking God that it was not me or her. I have been over focusing on what it would be like if I was not here and what she would do without me or how it would be without her and how I would make it without her. It has been obsessive at times and when I can have the power to shove it into the back of my mind, it comes back with a hold that strangles.
The other night we had come home from the visitation and it was a long wait to see the family. His wife was there that my wife worked with for years and his son and daughter were there that I had taught when they were in school. I passed them and did the visit thinking how much they are in numb pain and just going through the motions. Then we get home and I am helping my wife with making pancakes for her kids at school which is great because I needed something to take my mind and concentration.
All the while I was making these pancakes while my wife was feeling guilty about not being able to help. She suffers from rheumatoid and inflammation pain so was resting. I was in the kitchen working away trying to get the images out of my head - - - trying to focus on cooking - -- trying to think of something else but him laying in the casket all the while his wife and kids were going through the motions of hundreds of people just passing by them . I just couldn't shake it.
I was breathing irregularly which caused my wife to think I was mad that I was doing all this by myself without her help. But what I was really thinking was- how the hell would she be able to do this if I was not there? How could she baby and treat her students if I was not able to help her this night, right now? And then I started crying. How sad it that?
My mind spirals- Now I am thinking about how I will be going to bed and pulling her close while his wife will be all alone. Just that fleeting thought of going to my bed and knowing it would be empty the rest of my life was crushing my chest and I cried even more. Now I am thinking about getting up in the morning and not having the chance to kiss her and say how long she had to get up or never having the chance to get her medicines ready or how I would miss hearing her voice on the phone or how she giggles with her mischievous grin when she is up to something or how she feels when I hug her or how she smells with the perfume I love or …….. a million of other random thoughts and memories that are just memories now for his wife and kids. And I wipe my tears.
I feel so bad about being thankful that it is not me and not my wife.
So here it is, I am not the only one. I am positive that there are lots of others that feel the same way. It does not take away guilt but it sets my mind spinning another direction. If the absolute unfathomable happens and I should pass suddenly, I would hope that every single person who knows me and of me pulls their loved one closer. I would want them to feel so guilty that they wished it was not them or their spouse. I would want them to hang on to them and not want to let go. I would want them to say every day how much their spouse means to them and say it every day for the rest of their lives because they know that tomorrow is not guarantied. That is me. That is what I do and that is what all spouses should do. It would be honoring my memory to love your wife or husband harder.
Life can sure set the mind heart in motion. Losing our staff member sure got me all shook.
