I am asked if I am ok and my first go to response is yes. But, that is not true. It is just a conditioned response to what society has thrust upon us as men. We say we are ok even when our insides are boiling with emotion and our minds are afire with raging thoughts and anxiety. If we express our feelings or show any sign that we are struggling mentally, we are weak or not a man for some reason.
In a lot of ways, I am ok. I have a stable job that I enjoy and a loving wife who is the absolute perfect match to me that a man could have ever imagined. I have a house and anything I could need or want out of my life. My health is relatively good, and I am moving and able bodied.
But I am also not ok in a lot of respects. Life just has seemed to be kicking me down a bit in the last few years. It started with my son suffering with mental illness. Lots of issues have improved over the last two years but mental illness is an unpredictable beast that lies in the shadows. Waiting. Watching. It waits for an opportunity of weakness or a period of stress so that it can jump out and wreak havoc on his life and the lives of those around him. Our lives. And I am always on edge about it coming back at any time for any reason both small and big. It's like walking through the forest at night.... you know there are things out there that can hurt you, waiting and biding time. But you keep going because that's all you can think to do. All the while in the back of your mind and in the pit of your gut, you are on edge knowing at any time. . . any moment. . . something can pounce on you. Even though we have gone quite a while without a major episode and months before that for the episode before. . . the issue is still there, and it will never . . . ever. . . go away.
On top of that, there is still a lot of hard times and issues ahead that needs to be worked through for him and I am not looking forward to them. They will come anyway. They are inevitable. And I am dreading the struggle that is yet to come. But that is in the future.
I am also fighting against the wrong that has been done to my wife. She recently has been let go of her job. Well, technically she has not been asked to come back . . . it called nonrenewed. Even though this has nothing to do with her or her ability or her dedication to her job, it still hits her hard in her confidence and self-esteem. I am positive that the reason they don't want her to come back has absolutely nothing to do with her. Nothing. They have some other agenda, and she is just the one they picked to remove in order to move that agenda forward. But she is suffering mentally and emotionally for it.
She feels like a failure, and she feels like it is something she did. She feels unwanted and cast aside. She has vocalized this many times and she is struggling with leaving the kids that she has poured so much of herself into the last few years working at this school. She feels like she is abandoning them, and they will not have anyone that they can trust to go to when they are having bad days. These kids seek her out during the day, and they flock to her for the reassurance and the steady guidance that she gives them. She hates that she will not be there to provide that for them anymore.
And it breaks me to hear her so defeated. I hate to hear how she talks down to herself and lets these thoughts of not being worthy or being a failure take her mind over. I am so angry about this. I am mad beyond anything I have felt before. It is a terrible feeling, and I don't like it, but I can't shed it either. The rage I felt when she told me had me seeing red and my entire body tightened and spasmed with the desire to break something. . . to tear apart whatever I could get my hands on. I ended up out in the football field of the school I work at and I didn't even remember going out there or that I was circling the field clenching and unclenching my hands while stomping the ground as if I could beat the earth into submission. I was angry and enraged beyond thinking and I was also scared because I was out of control with the rage. It scared me. I was on a rollercoaster of raging up and scaring myself down. Feeling like that was terrible for me and I didn't like it at all. I tried to shed it but then my wife's voice and the tremor in her words would come back in my memory and then I ran the rollercoaster for another round.
Even though I am doing better, this anger is still in the back of my mind. It still is hanging out in the back of my head. Lurking. Today, as of this writing, she is at the school for her last day to pack up the last of her stuff and will leave the parking lot for the last time not to come back to her kids. . . and here we go . . . just writing about it is working me up . . . She will shed a lot of tears and she will be feeling unwanted. And it breaks me to know that.
Then there is this pain in my face and the scalp of my head that I have been dealing with for months . . . and I mean months. . . every day for months. It starts in the eyebrow and migrates into the eye and then across the top of my head all the way back to the base of my head. I have had an MRI and a CAT scan and I have seen the ENT, my general practitioner, a neurologist, and an optometrist. And they can't figure it out. It is every day.... a throbbing pain in the eye area like I had been hit hard. I can make it better by taking Motrin but I have been taking that every day for over 5 months and I am sure that the Mortin will eventually cause problems. But the pain.... I try to ignore it but it just does not go away... day after day after day after day . . . How can I face these other issues. . . lead my family with this plaguing me every day?
So, yeah. If you ask me if I am ok . . . I will probably say yes. I am Ok. Because that is what I am supposed to say. That is what society demands of men. But I am not ok. I am dealing with a lot and the above is only the most pressing issues I have. And here I am feeling a little ashamed and that I am being judged for these things. . . that people will tell me how trivial these things are compared to other people. They will say, "You think you have it bad. . ." In my world though, these issues are making life difficult and hard to manage. I am struggling with not being able to guide my family and my wife through these things faster and with less heart ache and pain. I am just not getting them there like I want it to be. That's my job. I am the rock, and I am supposed to lead my family through this stuff with strength and purpose. I am not only working them through their mental and emotional paths, but I am also running myself and trying to regulate myself through it too. Right now, I am trying to shed my anger. It is really the one emotion that has a grip on me and keeping me from thinking clearly. It is better though, and I am getting by it. It's a struggle for sure but it is coming along.
If you are worried, don't be. Really. All this stuff will be ok in time. It is just that it is not ok right now and it is hard at this time. I will ask for prayers because these issues are ours to battle, and I have sought help and I am seeking help from all kinds of sources. It will be ok because I have faith and I have my wife who stands beside me as I stand beside her. As long as we have each other, this will all come out ok . . . eventually. We just have to be strong and tenacious. We have to dig in our heals and hit it with grit and determination. Then we will lay in bed at night in each other's arms to recharge our spirits in the comfort of having each other. Then we can get up and take on the world again the next day.
For what else can we do?
Give up?
I don't think so.
