Sunday, February 18, 2018

My love story - part 5

I knew that I had to have someone to love.

It was weird, I think, that as I fumbled through my teens and high school that I was not so sure that everyone needed the same thing. You know? I had this sense that everyone had a drive to want to be in some relationship, but I was not so sure that they had to have someone to love. Teens. What a confusion in a body. I was not sure that some of the people that I was around even knew what they wanted half the time.

Why was it that people were so eager to hook up when they were not ready? I think it is the stigma of our culture. Isn't it a subconscious drive of media and society that we all are miserable unless we have someone hanging off our arms? I know that in high school it seemed as if there was something wrong with you if you didn't have a girl on your side. How many girls are looked at as if there is something wrong if they are not married by 30 or talking about having kids? I mean, don't all girls want kids? What is wrong if they don't? Why is it that guys are picked on if they are not talking of their conquests or how they are giving a good hunt? Why is it not the cool thing if we are looking for content instead of a dust jacket? Where does that come from? Why does it seem that a guy has to have a mindset of "one and done?" Well ,that may be a topic of higher discussion.

All that I knew at the time is that I needed someone to love. I had too much empathy and inner emotional fortitude to not share it with a true life companion. Honestly, there were days it seemed to cause me to ache when the yearning was most intense. I could feel it in the pit of my stomach where it radiated into my chest and thoughts. In the back of my mind though, I knew that I could not just pick anyone or just fall for the first girl who batted an eye. I had to be deliberate. I had to take the time and make progress with not only the guidance of my heart but of my mind too. I had to make sure that neither one had the run of the show. I had seen too many times with that failing and ending in shambles.

It was hard going. It was almost unbearable at times. I found it though. I know that sometimes when I told someone who I was seeing and how serious it was that they took it skeptically. Most had never known me to be in the game much and wondered if I truly had any idea if this was really the one. Him? They would think. That guy who never dated? He had never had a girlfriend and now he is engaged? Well that probably won't last long. . . I have seen it a lot. Many times it came from my own family. But why is that so bad? Why is it that a lack of dating and girlfriends is a sign of misgiving and foreshadowing of failure? I know, it is because a lot of people had to fail in order to know themselves. People have to take a hit or two before they really knew what they wanted. People go into a relationship jaded with what they think loving someone is like as they have seen on TV or movies. Then they find out that is not the type of love they want. They find out that those fairy tales are not their fairy tale.

Well, I was different. I watched and soul searched. I was thoughtful and was in touch with my feelings. I understood my wants and needs. I understood the type of person that would compliment me and enjoy what I had to offer. I hate the whole "they are the other half of me" crap. My wife is not the other half to me. I was not a half of person. I was not broken or incomplete. I was a full person that needed another to share my life with. I needed a person to show what strength of faith was. I needed another person who understood what it was like to be their own person and to enjoy themselves with another who was just as much of their own person.

In short, I need someone to love and to share my life with. It was not going to be just anyone either. I understood that I would spend time looking. I understood that it could have been a long time. . . . maybe never. One thing was certain, I was not going to waste my time going through one girl after another just to fill a "void" that was not there. I was not looking for someone to start living life when I had a life going already. I am sure I would have had a good life without if that was in my cards. That was for other people that didn't understand. I knew that I had to be deliberate and patient. I had to stand my ground and not give in to stigma.

So, here I am about 20 yrs later. I have no regrets and not much to offer others with advice on how to navigate relationships. I have only had one true run. I have no experience to help others. I only really know how to love her. I only know how to be with her. I only looked for one and when I found her, that was when I knew I could stop looking and start my journey with her.

I just know that I needed someone to love and I am lucky beyond what I deserve to have found her.

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