Forgiveness Part 2 - Yes, years and years later.

     I have stated earlier that I will not forgive him for what he had done to me. I would like to think that I have a very forgiving heart and will let go of just about anything and everything. There was one season in my life though that weighed very heavy on my heart every time the subject came up in sermons or conversations or just in memory. My unforgiveness was for the one who went to such lengths to upset, displace, and attack my first teaching job and in doing so, changed my life forever. 

    After many many years and talking with church members and my pastor, I find that maybe I didn't understand what forgiveness really meant.  When I said that I would not forgive him, I really was saying that there will never be a day that I would tell this man that it was ok for what he did to me. There would never be a day where if he approached me and asked if I would tell him that he was right and that I was alright with it that I would say sure. Because I will not. 

    But then that is not the point, now is it? They say that forgiveness is for you and not for them. That's the point. Right? It is for you and the peace of your heart. Forgiveness is not really about telling someone that it was alright to wrong you. Forgiveness is not saying that the wrong they did to you was fine and that you don't feel it was wrong anymore. It is more of how the thought and idea of the wrong impacts your life and what you feel should happen to the one who did you wrong.

    You see, I really did have unforgiveness in my heart back when it all happened. I held on to it daily and it consumed my mind to the point that it was the only thing I thought day and night. I blamed him for all my ills and how I had to give up my house and my financial stability and security of being close to family and the shame I felt for not being able to provide for my family. I blamed him for it all. 

    What he did to me controlled my life.

    It controlled my emotions.

    It consumed my brain.

    It held my heart. 

    And I wanted him to hurt as bad as I was hurting. I wanted him to suffer too. I wanted to get back at him.

    That is what unforgiveness was. 

    Then the day that I can't remember and have no idea when it happened passed that I actually let go of all that anger and resentment and thoughts of harm to him. I really don't know when it happened. You see, I believe after much talk, that when you are not willing to forgive you still hold this feeling and belief inside that the person who did you so much wrong owes you something. You think that they would deserve to have ill befall them and you want them to pay for what they did. This is why forgiving is so important for you and not for them. 

    Wanting someone to suffer is not Christain. Wanting someone to suffer is letting the devil get in the way of us seeing how God works all for his good. And that is why forgiving is for us. You see, my wife and I are much better off now than if we would have stayed. I am not saying that it was easy and that all was roses. But overall, we really did end up in a better spot where I feel we are happier. We have made more of an impact and we have had more opportunities. I can point back to many times between then and now when stuff that has happened to us had to be a God thing. 

    So, if I didn't see this man again in my life, I will be just fine. If I saw him on the street and he tried to talk to me, I will be cordial and kind. I will not tell him I am okay with what he did to me but I don't wish him ill will or any type of suffering. I have let go of that part of my life and it has not had hold of me for a long time. I have forgiven that part of me and it has lost its hold over all aspects of my being and my life. 

    Forgiveness is not about telling someone that it was okay that they did you wrong. Forgiveness is about letting go of what they did so that it does not get in the way of you becoming more like Jesus. It is forgiveness by not letting it control your entire being to the point where you are blind with anger. 

    Forgiveness is for you by giving you the ability to free yourself for what God has planned for you.

    

Trapped in our own heads.

     Do you realize we are trapped inside our own body? God! How frightening is that? Nothing, and I mean nothing, is real unless your nerves that are just bags of jelly infused with chemicals, send signals to more bags of jelly. And for some useless impossible reason if you have enough of these bags of jelly and they all for some reason swap the right combination and mix of chemicals, you can have this thing called Self Awareness.

                 Yeah. Sounds crazy right?

Well, who knows what "real" really is? It is whatever your nerves tell your brain it is. And then if your nerves are not really telling the other nerves what is real, then you are just trapped in a brain full of lies. Now isn’t that just fun?

                  Me? No, this is not me. But how do you get a person to take this reality that they are trapped inside their head with and get them to realize that is it not the reality they are experiencing? Better yet, they really do understand the perception of reality defined by our culture and are deathly petrified of it and are withdrawing behind anger and meanness, and denial. How do you change that thinking? You don’t.

                  Actually, I don’t even think you can. At least I don’t think you can.

                They tell you they are telling you that nothing is working and you encourage them to keep trying. Keep practicing the techniques. They respond by telling you that they don’t work and they have tried them lots of times. They don’t work. They say that you are not helping and that telling them not to give up is making it worse. They tell you they would rather not live than feel the way they are feeling. They say that if this is the way growing up feels that they want nothing to do with it.

                They say that you are not listening.

                I am though.

                I hear you say that you are not happy and that you are scared and that you find no enjoyment in life. I hear you when you say that you are scared to talk to people and that you are scared to be alone and that you are scared to be around people you don’t know and you are scared to get to know people. I hear you when you say that you don’t feel like you can make it as an adult with these things like taxes and loans and bills and all those ethereal things that will become real too fast and too soon. I hear you when you say that you hurt all over because I understand that mental pain shows itself as physical pain. I hear you when you say you don’t think we care because we make you do this stuff to see if it will help you even though you keep saying it won't or hasn’t. I hear you.

                But I am not giving up when you tell me you want to.

                I am not giving up when you say that you already have.

                You say that I am not hearing you when you want to stop trying and I want you to keep going.

                You say I don’t care because I insist on trying when you are done trying.

                And so here we are . . . we both are filled with these sacks of jelly that seem to have just the right amount of chemicals in the right amounts that are passing back and forth. They give us this self-awareness and it is a curse to some people. To you, it seems. You are trapped in yours and I am trying to show you how to be ok with it. . . . how to manage and change the way you see and feel and touch and smell and hear the world around you. I am trying to show you that you can learn and get around those feelings and that you can feel better.

But all you feel is trapped and it scares the hell out of you.

All you feel is wanting to be nothing and you can’t change it.

All you know and are able to experience is fear and being alone in your head.

And I just don’t know what to do anymore.

But, I will tell you one thing – I still am not giving up.

Even though you have told me you have.