I said it first.
And She did not say it back.
It was another night about three weeks into dating her. I had decided that I was going to only date her and I had let the other one know that I had made my choice. (ummmm. . . . I will have to tell that story another time I think.) Well, we had just gotten back from going out and to tell you the truth, I have no idea where we went or what we did. We had camped out on the couch with me laying with my back against the couch and her leaning up against me. We were watching a movie just enjoying each other's company.
We had up to this point not really been heavy serious and the whole thing had been moving along very slowly. As I was lying there though, I was not paying attention to the movie. I was thinking of how I was feeling. I was thinking of how much I liked to be with her. I liked to talk to her. I looked forward to seeing her every day. Having her in my arms was like having on a well-worn fitted jacket. I was getting in touch with my emotions and I just decided to say out loud how I was feeling.
I said softly from behind her, my lips right beside her ear . . . "I love you."
That moment will forever be etched in my mind. The whole day before that instant is a complete blur and fuzzy. The minute after that statement was said was as crystal clear as if it happened only a minute ago. The moment I proclaimed my love to her, I felt this stiffening in her body and she actually made a small gasping sound right before I felt her hold her breath. She was facing away from me so I couldn't even see her to read an expression. And there we were, my heart racing with fear and adrenaline for my epiphany and her in her tense state of . . . I don't know.
I don't know because she didn't say it back. She didn't say anything. She just froze for a moment. Then she relaxed melting into me a little. But, she said nothing. And she said nothing after that. Or the next morning. Or the next day and I was not going to nag her about it.
I know what you are thinking. It seems that if there is no reciprocating of such a proclamation that would be a bad sign. Honestly though, did I have to hear it back? Would that have cemented my resolve and affirm our destiny together? No. What was it going to do? Make me un-love her?
The truth is, I didn't need to hear it back. I especially did not want to hear it from her if she didn't mean it and feel it. And, by the way, when was it the end of the world when someone did not say it back to you? What kind of bunk is that kind of thinking? All I knew is that being with her was a whole new kind of thing for me. I was far from the whole jumping in headfirst and proposing but I was starting to emotionally attach myself to her. I was falling for her. It took a couple of weeks but there we were.
Looking back, I bet that was very scary for her. Her heart knew what it was like to be broken and mine didn't. She had a guy that had told her that he loved her. She thought he was "The One." She thought that he would want to marry her. She had years of her life invested in this guy. But, he ended up not wanting her. He ended up cheating with another girl and getting her pregnant. So was it understandable for my now wife to be hesitant in falling in love? Sure it was and I was not going to guilt or shame her into saying or doing anything she didn't want to or truly feel. What kind of relationship can be built on that?
So I was the first to say it. She didn't say it back. And I was okay with that.
No comments:
Post a Comment