I have said before how important it is to know what you want and then settle for no less. It is easier said than done as they say. People are emotional and emotions can run the roost. That is why hearts get broken. It is true with everyone I am sure. I would even say that if your heart has not been hurt when searching for love that you must not be human.
I look back and think about all the crushes I have had. I was the nice guy that was friend zoned and black balled into that guise all throughout high school. I am not going to lie, it sucked. I crushed on some girls that would not even give me a second thought. They would start seeing this guy and that only to end in ruins. In my mind I would gloat a little thinking – see there, you would not have had to gone through that if it was me. But then, that was my teen hormones talking with a heavy dose of spite.
As I ventured into college, my heart did not run my search and emotions as much. I guess it was this elusive maturity thing that was sneaking up on me. I still had crushes and boy did I fall hard sometimes. But, for some reason, in the back of my mind They were tempered because I was conscience to it. I realized that I had to wait. I was cautious and scared of heartbreak, you see. I had seen it a lot and knew from what I saw that it was not going to go well for me if it went bad. I knew that time would tell if what I was experiencing was truly what I was looking for or if it was that temporary high of crushing on someone.
With all that being said, probably one of the most surprising facts that someone finds out about me is that I was dating two girls seriously at once before I chose to go with my wife. It is true. Some would say I was being a player and others would judge me for being immoral. Be as that may, it was really none of those. I was on the lookout for a wife and I was not taking that search lightly.
First, I was plain and open to both. They knew about each other. I was up front about the whole ordeal. Second, I made sure that I was not taking advantage of either of them. This may be too much but it is important to know that there was no way that I was going to be intimate with either one when I knew that in the end I was cutting one loose. That was morally wrong and I was not going to be “that guy.” Third, I was not going to be the type that would string them along because I couldn’t have the fortitude to let go when I knew it was going nowhere. So I did it in two or three weeks. I made a choice.
That was a very hard day for me. I went to the girl’s apartment to tell her that I had decided. I am not sure how other guys feel when they are getting ready to stab the heart of a girl but I was breaking because of it. This girl was honest to goodness a good girl and would make a great partner for some lucky guy. It just was not me and there was no way for me to make it any easier for her. Telling her that she was a great girl when I was also telling her that I chose someone else would be cruel and mean. Some guys can’t do it and in the end it is worse. I made a vow to myself that I would not be that guy.
So, when I did not come fully in the apartment and I was stuttering the words to a hello, she knew. She knew what I was going to say and she started to cry. She was being rejected and I was the one rejecting. I steeled myself, told her that I had chosen the other. I didn’t linger because what would that do. I didn’t try to smooth it over or fill her with false comments of finding another. I didn’t try to sooth her anguish or tears. I just said that I was sorry and that maybe I would see her around campus. In my mind though, I knew she would be okay never to have seen me again. I had to be fine with that and I was. Nothing I did could have made it okay to her and I knew that. I could only hope that someone someday would reverse all I did.
To this day, I don’t regret what I decided to do. I had to make a choice and I did. I did not do the whole ordeal with cloak and dagger. I was not going to play these girls. I was up front and honest with both of them. And in the end, I only saw the other girl once. She ran up to me in the science hall of college one day after being hurt again by someone else. She only needed comfort and a shoulder to cry on. And that was all she needed really. She knew I was the one to get her through. Other than that day, I have not seen her since. In my heart I hope she found the lasting love I have. She deserved it. She really did. I just was not the one that could have done it for her.