You know, I have been told that putting the other first is important. It seems so right doesn't it? You make your spouse a priority and that will cement your marraige or relationship. How can it not be right?
Right?
I am not so sure really.
Man, I don't even know how to explain it without sounding all wrong or like I am a selfish butt rag. Here it goes . . . I don't make my wife a priority all the time. I have to think of myself first. Okay? In my mind, it seems that If you don't think of yourself first and keep putting the other out in front or giving and giving to them that you will shrivel up inside. It is part of the taking care of me so we both can take care of us.
Of course I don't mean all the time. It is just that you have to put yourself first to hang onto your identity. You need to keep that part of your life that is yours. C'mon, isn't that what has drawn my Wife to me in the first place? I am a nerd and a tinkerer. I like to build and learn and such. I buy stuff for me at times and sometimes I don't even tell her when it may be a bit expensive. I have to have time to myself doing what I want to do for me. I need to be selfish at times. I need to just do stuff for me.
I think this is important because it helps me to give more on the back end. Now I am not saying that it has to be all or nothing but a person will burnout emotionally putting the other first all the time. This is suppose to be two people who are individuals sharing life with each other.. It is a venn diagram, not a complete overlap. I have seen it before. A guy that turns off his life to completely focus on his girlfriend. Obsessively. Eventually the girl didn't even know why she likes the guy in the first place.
Don't get me wrong though, I am in a marriage. The marriage has to be a priority. Why the hell did I get married if I was unwilling to make it a priority? I'm just saying that it can't be completely a focus of one person to another. "Well, that is why if each are making the other a priority it all balances out," would be the response. Then you have two burnt out people. I am selfish when I make choices in our relationship and I will admit it. A lot of times I am only thinking of myself.
Seriously. Do you think I got season tickets to the symphony because I am putting her first? Naw, I like going myself. I like her coming too so I can spend time with her. Do you think I bought her a She Shed because I was thinking only of her? Nope, I wanted electric for my shop and shop time to build stuff to put in it. Do you think I say to her it is fine to go out shopping for a day with her girlfriends because I am thinking of her? Not a chance, I get to have a day to myself doing what I want to do. All that stuff may look like I am putting her first but don't kid yourself.
Making my wife a priority in my marraige is only part of my marraige. Only part of it. Part of it is thinking of myself. Part of it is for her to only think of herself. Part of it is to focus on us. Part of it is to focus n our kids. Part of it is on our marraige. Part of it is to focus on our life that provides for us. And...and...and...the list goes on.
I know saying that your spouse should be your priority sounds all romantic and right. It is plastered all over movies and magazines. Those are just one to two hour fantasies though. In reality, we have to put ourselves first sometimes. And that is okay. It just needs to be a part of a whole.
Sunday, February 17, 2019
Friday, February 15, 2019
Love Story - part 10 We have hard times - not hard marraiges.
By now by now you must think she and I are perfect. Perfect house, perfect kids, perfect car, perfect dog, perfect flatware . . . Perfect marraige.
Well, we do not.
Honestly, we have had stuff that would have......has.....Broken other couples. They have called it quits over some of this stuff that has happened to us. I know. When you talk to me, I sound like my life is perfect and we are living the dream. But in reality, we have had our setbacks and hard times like all others.
I have been heard saying that you have hard times, not hard marriages.
How many have you seen let hard times affect their marriage? How many have you seen the unforeseen, unpredictable, unfair life happenings get them in a mindset of blaming their spouse and calling it quits?
Well, it has not been all roses for us. I will tell you that! We have had our setbacks that should have stressed our marriage to breaking.
We first thought we would not be able to have kids. The guilt she felt that she may have been defective and unable to give her husband the child he so desired put a toll on her. Then our boy was born a month early. No big deal in this day and age but still frightening.
When he was born, there were complications. Complications with her. Since that day our sex life changed forever. How many have you heard of a permanent change in sex life was a deal-breaker for a marriage? Is that one aspect of your relationship really the main pillar? The one keystone that the whole marriage is held up by? Really?
Then I lost my job. I lost the financial support for our family. I had no way to pay for our lifestyle because she was staying home and caring for our baby boy. She was depending on me to hold my end of the deal and make the money to support all of us. And I failed. Would a woman leave because of that? I have seen it before.
We moved to another state. That in itself could have caused us to fall apart. There are some people that will flat out not move from where they are living as if it was Linus' blanket. The nights I worried about whether or not my wife would follow me to a practically unknown new "home" was pretty stressful.
When we moved, the stress on my wife changed her forever giving her depression that needed to be managed with medicine. I learned to see the signs and the symptoms. I learned to be more of an emotional coach and to lift her spirits either by action or presence. How many would have given up then?
After that we tried again for another child. It was worse and harder than the first. Did I mention the change to our sex life? Did I mention her new depression that was being managed with medicine? It was another time our new baby was early and this time it was not all fine. He had to stay in NICU for a week. How easily would it have been for others to just say, "I'm out."?
Since then there has been a bankruptcy, more health problems, behavior / health issues with our kids, financial hardship, family hardship, and a host of other stuff that has happened. Stuff just happens.
Enough to cause others to call it all off.
Why didn't we?
Because those things did not happen because we were married. Those things just happen anyway. They happen to people all the time. The difference is we had each other to get through it all with.
It was because we have hard times but we don't have hard marriages.
That is the key. I have no idea how these life happenings can be associated with being a marriage problem or a problem of the spouse. I suppose if one or the other is making choices without the other's best interest in mind, it could be quite the stress. But, then again, why are you running in a marriage but still trying to go it all alone? You have a partner. You have another person's viewpoint and knowledge and all the stuff you do not. That in itself is worth everything.
So, when you see me and I shine when I talk of my wife. When you marvel at how I can light up at the thought of my wife or how I am like a love sick puppy, just remember what I have said. Listen to what I am saying and you think that I am perfect and our lives are perfect and nothing bad will ever happen to us. That is not true. those hardships do happen to us.
It does. We just know that together, we can get through and not be alone. We know that at the end of the day, we have someone that is there and will hold us and let each other breath a moment of peace. because those things happen to us not because we are married. they happen any way. It is nice to be able to navigate through them with someone that loves you.
We have hard times, not hard marriages.
Well, we do not.
Honestly, we have had stuff that would have......has.....Broken other couples. They have called it quits over some of this stuff that has happened to us. I know. When you talk to me, I sound like my life is perfect and we are living the dream. But in reality, we have had our setbacks and hard times like all others.
I have been heard saying that you have hard times, not hard marriages.
How many have you seen let hard times affect their marriage? How many have you seen the unforeseen, unpredictable, unfair life happenings get them in a mindset of blaming their spouse and calling it quits?
Well, it has not been all roses for us. I will tell you that! We have had our setbacks that should have stressed our marriage to breaking.
We first thought we would not be able to have kids. The guilt she felt that she may have been defective and unable to give her husband the child he so desired put a toll on her. Then our boy was born a month early. No big deal in this day and age but still frightening.
When he was born, there were complications. Complications with her. Since that day our sex life changed forever. How many have you heard of a permanent change in sex life was a deal-breaker for a marriage? Is that one aspect of your relationship really the main pillar? The one keystone that the whole marriage is held up by? Really?
Then I lost my job. I lost the financial support for our family. I had no way to pay for our lifestyle because she was staying home and caring for our baby boy. She was depending on me to hold my end of the deal and make the money to support all of us. And I failed. Would a woman leave because of that? I have seen it before.
We moved to another state. That in itself could have caused us to fall apart. There are some people that will flat out not move from where they are living as if it was Linus' blanket. The nights I worried about whether or not my wife would follow me to a practically unknown new "home" was pretty stressful.
When we moved, the stress on my wife changed her forever giving her depression that needed to be managed with medicine. I learned to see the signs and the symptoms. I learned to be more of an emotional coach and to lift her spirits either by action or presence. How many would have given up then?
After that we tried again for another child. It was worse and harder than the first. Did I mention the change to our sex life? Did I mention her new depression that was being managed with medicine? It was another time our new baby was early and this time it was not all fine. He had to stay in NICU for a week. How easily would it have been for others to just say, "I'm out."?
Since then there has been a bankruptcy, more health problems, behavior / health issues with our kids, financial hardship, family hardship, and a host of other stuff that has happened. Stuff just happens.
Enough to cause others to call it all off.
Why didn't we?
Because those things did not happen because we were married. Those things just happen anyway. They happen to people all the time. The difference is we had each other to get through it all with.
It was because we have hard times but we don't have hard marriages.
That is the key. I have no idea how these life happenings can be associated with being a marriage problem or a problem of the spouse. I suppose if one or the other is making choices without the other's best interest in mind, it could be quite the stress. But, then again, why are you running in a marriage but still trying to go it all alone? You have a partner. You have another person's viewpoint and knowledge and all the stuff you do not. That in itself is worth everything.
So, when you see me and I shine when I talk of my wife. When you marvel at how I can light up at the thought of my wife or how I am like a love sick puppy, just remember what I have said. Listen to what I am saying and you think that I am perfect and our lives are perfect and nothing bad will ever happen to us. That is not true. those hardships do happen to us.
It does. We just know that together, we can get through and not be alone. We know that at the end of the day, we have someone that is there and will hold us and let each other breath a moment of peace. because those things happen to us not because we are married. they happen any way. It is nice to be able to navigate through them with someone that loves you.
We have hard times, not hard marriages.
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