My Grandpa's Flag

 

 

Mom and Dad,

As I finish up the display for my grandpa’s flag, memories come flooding back of what type of man he was. Honestly, it is hard to say this but he would be scorned and hated in today’s society. You see, he was a man’s man. He ruled his house with a hard hand and temperament that was rough and gruff. He was the king of his castle, and his wife and kids were going to tow the line. He also said racial slurs and had very black and white views. I never could get him to stop calling Italians “Degos” and I never found out why he called them that.

But you see, my grandpa grew up in a time of our country’s history that was hard. It was a time where you never knew when your next meal was going to come your way and you knew you would be still hungry afterward. It was a time where you would work all day just to get one meal for that day. It was a time where no one had anything, and the Depression was going strong. It was during his time that World War II ravaged the world, and he went across seas to fight to keep it from landing in his country where his wife and children were. When he came back from the war, he made a good living as an electrician where he was able to use his hands and his considerable problem-solving skills to literally build the Depression scared country from the ground up.

My grandpa was hard. He snapped hard and he could hit hard. But he had a hard life and the Great Depression and war had toughened him into stone. Today he would be seen as a Bigot or unwoke. He would be hated for the way he talked about other races or about sexual orientation. The man I knew though was much different. He was very judgmental but he also judged a man by his works and the hard work they accomplished. He judged them by their heart and their deeds. No matter what they looked like or what they believed or the words he used when talking about them, he respected good hard working men. He was passionate about his family and country. He insisted that I learned to do anything I set my mind to and to think before I did it. He said that we needed to work smarter and that it was the way to get more work done without hurting ourselves. He was the one that taught me that below the rough exterior was a softness and deep caring that was hard to see but hard to miss.

I work on his flag, the symbol of honor that was draped over him as I helped carry him to rest, and all these memories come flooding back. I learned a lot from him as I know all my siblings did. We didn’t agree with some of the ways he did things or the way he talked or felt about people. What we knew of him though was that he lived a life that would be literal hell to most kids of my time and he survived it. He was driven to pass his grit down to me. And I needed it even if at the time I had no idea I needed it.

I work on this flag and case and I hope that it does him honor. He was a product of his time and the times he experienced. And he truly did represent what I think of as a patriot and a man that loved his family and country. I hope that I am carrying on his legacy well for he was truly one of the men that made our country great.

 

The Meanings Behind Rituals for Military and Veteran Funerals

 

        Covering the Casket with a Flag

        Covering the casket with the flag became a custom during the Napoleanic wars (1796-1815). The dead carried from the field of battle on a caisson were covered with a flag, so that each side could identify their own dead. Draping the flag of a nation over a military serviceperson’s or veteran’s casket serves to remind the living of that person’s service and sacrifice for that country.

 

The 21-Gun Salute

        The 21-gun salute – seven guns shot three times – came from a signal to stop fighting to allow each side to clear the dead from the field of battle. Once each army had cleared its dead, it would fire three volleys to indicate that the dead had been cared for and that they were ready to go back to fighting.

        In the earliest days of cannon and firearm use, the British National Salute was recognized as being comprised of seven guns. Although a ship could fire seven guns for honors, fort-based guns could fire three shots to one shot afloat. In that day, gunpowder of sodium nitrate was easier to keep on shore than at sea.

Over time, as the quality of gunpowder improved by the use of potassium nitrate, the sea salute was made equal to the shore salute.

        A 21-gun salute was the highest national honor. Although for a period of time monarchies received more guns than republics, eventually republics claimed equality. The United States adopted the 21-gun and “Gun for Gun Return” on August 17, 1875.

       

A Short History of Taps

          Taps is an American bugle call, composed during the Civil War by Union Brigadier General Daniel Butterfield at Harrison’s Landing, Virginia, in 1862. The call, and the name Taps, was officially adopted by the U.S. Army in 1874.

The 24-note melancholy bugle call is thought to be a revision of a French bugle signal, called “tattoo,” that notified soldiers to cease an evening’s drinking and return to their garrisons. It was sounded an hour before the final bugle call to end the day by extinguishing fires and lights.

        The first time Taps was played at a military funeral may also have been in Virginia soon after Butterfield composed it. Union Capt. John Tidball, head of an artillery battery, ordered it played for the burial of a cannoneer killed in action. Not wanting to reveal the battery’s position in the woods to the enemy nearby, Tidball substituted Taps for the traditional three rifle volleys fired over the grave.

          Taps was played at the funeral of Confederate Gen. Stonewall Jackson 10 months after it was composed. Army infantry regulations by 1891 required taps to be played at military funeral ceremonies. Taps now is played by the military at burial and memorial services, to accompany the lowering of the flag and to signal the “lights out” command at day’s end.

 

The Flag Folding Ceremony

It takes 13 individual folding movements to create the blue field/white star triangle encasing the American flag. Two people conduct the ceremony, with precision and solemn attention.

        If there is no body in a casket, such as at a memorial service where the deceased has been cremated, the flag may be unfolded and re-folded with just as much solemn attention.

       

1.      1. The 1st fold of our flag is a symbol of life.

2.      2. The 2nd fold is a symbol of our belief in eternal life.

3.      3. The 3rd fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing our ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world.

4.     4.  The 4th fold represents our weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance.

5.      5. The 5th fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, “Our Country,” in dealing with other countries, may she always be right; but it is still our country right or wrong.

6.      6. The 6th fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that “We pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.”

7.    7.   The 7th fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic.

8.      8. The 8th fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day.

9.      9. The 9th fold is a tribute to womanhood, and Mothers. For it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.

10.10.   The 10th fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for defense of our country since they were first born.

11.  11. The 11th fold represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon and glorifies in the Hebrews’ eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

12.  12. The 12th fold represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in the Christians’ eyes, God the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.

13.  13. The 13th fold, or when the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding us of our nation’s motto, “In God We Trust.”

       

Three Bullet Casings Slipped Into Folded Flag

The military funeral honors also include a ceremony in which the honor guard removes the flag from the casket and carefully folds it, with the blue field of stars facing up. Then, the folded flag is presented to the deceased person's family as a token of gratitude for that person's service.

The flag detail often slips three shell casings into the folded flag before presenting the flag to the family. Each casing represents one volley. This gesture provides a slightly different meaning for the symbolism of the three bullets in a military funeral.

Some military traditionalists argue that the shell casings should not be slipped into the flag as it's being folded since doing so would require opening a flap of the flag. Instead, the shell casings should be retrieved and presented separately to the next of kin.

Flag Presentation to the Family

What members of each service branch say to the family upon presentation of the flag differs by service.

 

Army: “As a representative of the United States Army, it is my high privilege to present you this flag. Let it be a symbol of the grateful appreciation this nation feels for the distinguished service rendered to our country and our flag by your loved one.”

Forgiveness Part 2 - Yes, years and years later.

     I have stated earlier that I will not forgive him for what he had done to me. I would like to think that I have a very forgiving heart and will let go of just about anything and everything. There was one season in my life though that weighed very heavy on my heart every time the subject came up in sermons or conversations or just in memory. My unforgiveness was for the one who went to such lengths to upset, displace, and attack my first teaching job and in doing so, changed my life forever. 

    After many many years and talking with church members and my pastor, I find that maybe I didn't understand what forgiveness really meant.  When I said that I would not forgive him, I really was saying that there will never be a day that I would tell this man that it was ok for what he did to me. There would never be a day where if he approached me and asked if I would tell him that he was right and that I was alright with it that I would say sure. Because I will not. 

    But then that is not the point, now is it? They say that forgiveness is for you and not for them. That's the point. Right? It is for you and the peace of your heart. Forgiveness is not really about telling someone that it was alright to wrong you. Forgiveness is not saying that the wrong they did to you was fine and that you don't feel it was wrong anymore. It is more of how the thought and idea of the wrong impacts your life and what you feel should happen to the one who did you wrong.

    You see, I really did have unforgiveness in my heart back when it all happened. I held on to it daily and it consumed my mind to the point that it was the only thing I thought day and night. I blamed him for all my ills and how I had to give up my house and my financial stability and security of being close to family and the shame I felt for not being able to provide for my family. I blamed him for it all. 

    What he did to me controlled my life.

    It controlled my emotions.

    It consumed my brain.

    It held my heart. 

    And I wanted him to hurt as bad as I was hurting. I wanted him to suffer too. I wanted to get back at him.

    That is what unforgiveness was. 

    Then the day that I can't remember and have no idea when it happened passed that I actually let go of all that anger and resentment and thoughts of harm to him. I really don't know when it happened. You see, I believe after much talk, that when you are not willing to forgive you still hold this feeling and belief inside that the person who did you so much wrong owes you something. You think that they would deserve to have ill befall them and you want them to pay for what they did. This is why forgiving is so important for you and not for them. 

    Wanting someone to suffer is not Christain. Wanting someone to suffer is letting the devil get in the way of us seeing how God works all for his good. And that is why forgiving is for us. You see, my wife and I are much better off now than if we would have stayed. I am not saying that it was easy and that all was roses. But overall, we really did end up in a better spot where I feel we are happier. We have made more of an impact and we have had more opportunities. I can point back to many times between then and now when stuff that has happened to us had to be a God thing. 

    So, if I didn't see this man again in my life, I will be just fine. If I saw him on the street and he tried to talk to me, I will be cordial and kind. I will not tell him I am okay with what he did to me but I don't wish him ill will or any type of suffering. I have let go of that part of my life and it has not had hold of me for a long time. I have forgiven that part of me and it has lost its hold over all aspects of my being and my life. 

    Forgiveness is not about telling someone that it was okay that they did you wrong. Forgiveness is about letting go of what they did so that it does not get in the way of you becoming more like Jesus. It is forgiveness by not letting it control your entire being to the point where you are blind with anger. 

    Forgiveness is for you by giving you the ability to free yourself for what God has planned for you.

    

Trapped in our own heads.

     Do you realize we are trapped inside our own body? God! How frightening is that? Nothing, and I mean nothing, is real unless your nerves that are just bags of jelly infused with chemicals, send signals to more bags of jelly. And for some useless impossible reason if you have enough of these bags of jelly and they all for some reason swap the right combination and mix of chemicals, you can have this thing called Self Awareness.

                 Yeah. Sounds crazy right?

Well, who knows what "real" really is? It is whatever your nerves tell your brain it is. And then if your nerves are not really telling the other nerves what is real, then you are just trapped in a brain full of lies. Now isn’t that just fun?

                  Me? No, this is not me. But how do you get a person to take this reality that they are trapped inside their head with and get them to realize that is it not the reality they are experiencing? Better yet, they really do understand the perception of reality defined by our culture and are deathly petrified of it and are withdrawing behind anger and meanness, and denial. How do you change that thinking? You don’t.

                  Actually, I don’t even think you can. At least I don’t think you can.

                They tell you they are telling you that nothing is working and you encourage them to keep trying. Keep practicing the techniques. They respond by telling you that they don’t work and they have tried them lots of times. They don’t work. They say that you are not helping and that telling them not to give up is making it worse. They tell you they would rather not live than feel the way they are feeling. They say that if this is the way growing up feels that they want nothing to do with it.

                They say that you are not listening.

                I am though.

                I hear you say that you are not happy and that you are scared and that you find no enjoyment in life. I hear you when you say that you are scared to talk to people and that you are scared to be alone and that you are scared to be around people you don’t know and you are scared to get to know people. I hear you when you say that you don’t feel like you can make it as an adult with these things like taxes and loans and bills and all those ethereal things that will become real too fast and too soon. I hear you when you say that you hurt all over because I understand that mental pain shows itself as physical pain. I hear you when you say you don’t think we care because we make you do this stuff to see if it will help you even though you keep saying it won't or hasn’t. I hear you.

                But I am not giving up when you tell me you want to.

                I am not giving up when you say that you already have.

                You say that I am not hearing you when you want to stop trying and I want you to keep going.

                You say I don’t care because I insist on trying when you are done trying.

                And so here we are . . . we both are filled with these sacks of jelly that seem to have just the right amount of chemicals in the right amounts that are passing back and forth. They give us this self-awareness and it is a curse to some people. To you, it seems. You are trapped in yours and I am trying to show you how to be ok with it. . . . how to manage and change the way you see and feel and touch and smell and hear the world around you. I am trying to show you that you can learn and get around those feelings and that you can feel better.

But all you feel is trapped and it scares the hell out of you.

All you feel is wanting to be nothing and you can’t change it.

All you know and are able to experience is fear and being alone in your head.

And I just don’t know what to do anymore.

But, I will tell you one thing – I still am not giving up.

Even though you have told me you have. 

Teacher insecurities- on the other side

I know the following pictures are not all up right. If you didn't know this, teachers have a file they keep encouraging notes and cards and pictures and drawings and other items. As you can see from the previous post, teaching is a damn hard job and it can wear on a person. So, we have these folders to look at when we are feeling beat up and low. They give us that grit back and let us know that no matter what the scores are or how bad the lessons go or how many more requirements are added by the state or any of the other things we can't control, we still teach people and they need us. These letters and cards say so much. Some of them are recent but some are over 15 yrs old. Yeah. You never know, huh? 

The insecurities of a teacher.

I've been thinking a lot about my career lately. Things have changed so much and the past 20 - 22years years. I have some hard memories of being a new teacher. Straight up, I was not a very good teacher when I started. I was bumbling through and I really was flying by the seat of my pants. I listened to a great mentor and tried so hard to become one of those teachers that makes a difference. You know? But it was hard. Teaching is a hard and unforgiving profession. We work with kids and those kids are impressionable and what we say and what we do, and how we respond can make the difference between building a kid up or tearing them down. Between repairing their heart and mind and ripping them open to bleed out their sense of self. A teacher truly can make or break a kid. Looking back, I can't help but to feel like I have left some scars on some kids that have affected them the rest of their lives. It's hard to carry that sort of reality.

I look back and think about all of the stuff I did and said and some of the choices I made that just make me think. . . man, was I green and over my head! I have grown so much since those first years. I struggled and held on and suffered through while others didn't make it.  And when I look back at all those memories, some hit my mind and heart hard. 

I have very strong memories of some of the kids that I've talked to. And if that happened to me today, I think about how differently I would react to it. 

I remember a day where a kid was sitting in my class. I had just finished cleaning the desks with a bleach cleaner. They were actually having difficulty with the smell and I should have known they were having an allergic reaction. How did I not know? I had no idea about such things. The day I had a kid go into a grand mal seizure. I remember my mind locking up and I was paralyzed not knowing what to do. There was the day where a student told me that their mom and been diagnosed with cancer and I think I was the only one that they chose to tell. I remember sitting after class with them just that student and me alone as they revealed this thing that must have been consuming their every thought every second of the day. And I remember saying a bunch of things that I don't think really made a difference at all.  I don't think I did a very good job comforting them or helping them through that horrible time in their lives. All that would go through my mind is how young they were for this to happen and that I knew the change in their lives and scars they would have would be with them forever. I remember a student tell me how they had a really bad experience with their relationship how they were cheated on. They were crying and I just didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to help them. And today I'm thinking, man, I could have said something so much better than what I did. I had a kid who told me about having a first experience with drugs, acid, and how they were in so much trouble with their parents. They were crying and had to talk about it and had to tell someone about their fears of being unloved and unwanted and being cast aside. I was that person and I tried to let them know how scared they must have made their parents and that all the punishments and restrictions were because they loved them soooooooo much that they had to keep them closer in order to protect them. I remember thinking how hollow that sounded and how I don't think I said it right or with the right words or the right meaning. The day I reported two kids that I suspected were cutting themselves and the look they gave me as they left school with a resource officer. I will never forget the look of pain and anger. I remember how I was left a letter of how mad a kid was with me that when they asked me if they would make a good nurse or radiologist or some other scientist, I deeply hurt their feelings by saying that they may struggle with science. In the letter I could feel the discouragement and how I felt like I was meaning well by letting them know that it will be hard work and that they felt I was saying that they couldn't do it. They were so scathing and mad that to this day I feel guilty about the possibility that I might be the sole reason if they chose not to pursue a career in the medical field. To this day I hope they pursued it with grit and passion despite me and my foolish choice of words. 

The list can go one for pages and pages. There are 22 years worth of stories like that over thousands of kids that have walked through my classes. 

All those memories. 

All those kids that I remember trying to do the right thing for. 

All those kids I tried to encourage or speak powerful words to. 

All the times I felt that I just stumbled through not knowing what the hell I was doing. 

I have been really being introspective a lot lately and it seems like I just don't know if I am doing these kids right. I don't feel like I say the right things or respond the right way. I feel like I am stumbling words and making it all worse. I see the pain in some of their eyes and I know some are seeking attention because they crave someone that will just prove to them that they are not invisible. But am I doing it in a way that is not enabling them? Am I setting a good example? Am I showing them what it is like to be tough loved or what real compassion looks like, or how someone can discipline you without it being personal or to be nice and not want anything in return, or to spend time with no strings attached or . . . or  . . . .or . . . .  I don't even know what I am saying really. Working with people...... kids........... is so impossible and difficult. Who is to say anything is right or wrong or helpful or destructive? 

I have been feeling a bit beaten down lately with family and how my profession is being attacked. People are playing the blame game and teachers are being asked to do more than humanly possible or mathematically possible. They measure how good we are with a moving target and with measuring tools that change every year. There is money being siphoned off to private interests in vouchers and charters and private schools where the money to be made in these ventures is insane. But of course, they could just use less money and just upgrade a current school to do the same thing. But who would line their pockets then? Then there are the parents who ask so much of us when there is not much at home. And the responsibilities of trying to notice if they are being harmed or harming themselves or harming others and the paperwork that goes along with it and the consequences if we don't notice or if we might have noticed but didn't or....... or.... or..... You can understand why teachers are leaving in droves. And then there is the support staff that is even worse off than the actual teachers..... and how they are leaving the system in more than droves. It is a tidal wave exodus.

Then there is our private lives and the ones I love are struggling. It has been a hard year or more. We are teachers but we are people with families and relationships outside of school too. I am struggling with wondering if I am balancing it all and not short-timing either of my boys or my wife and I have not reached out to my good friends to keep those connections. My anxiety is up and I just struggle with whether or not I am making a difference to any of it. I sit at night exhausted and tired and wondering if I did enough or accomplished enough or said enough or spent enough time. 

Isn't that the way of it though? I bet a lot who would read this would honestly say that they struggle with believing they are making any headway either. It is normal they would say and it is not life if we didn't have these stresses. I don't know about that but I know what it is like for me. I would like to believe that I am one of those who has more than the average grit than another but here I am questioning everything and wondering if it is enough. Even I have limits I guess. 

Tomorrow will come whether I want it to or not and I will be facing it again with the same grit I have for so many days and years before. Doubts are part of the whole experience even for those who seem to always have it together. The best I can do is the best I can do. Insert Cleche cleche cleche. In the end though, what else can I really do but to just keep going? It seems like from the above that the world is coming to an end but all that is just a funk I am in. There are truly a lot of good and great things happening too. I am just in a mood where I am blind to them right now. It is ok. I will be fine. You will be fine. We all will fine. 

Because tomorrow is coming whether I want it to or not and I will get up face it just like always. 

How did I do it? Mental Illness SUCKS!

 How did I do it? How did I learn to manage and de-escalate anxiety? How did I learn to trade feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, and other feelings of depression for happiness and contentment? How did I do it?

I remember so clearly those feelings back when I was in school. I remember the fear I felt and the thoughts of being judged. I remember how I felt crowded all the time and that I didn't want to be around others that much. I remember how I wanted to just run. Run out of the building and away from it all. I also remember how I wanted to be looked at by others and for them to smile at me. But instead, I knew that sneers and insults were waiting for me. That was my reality at that time. 

I remember not fitting in. I was not like my peers and that was painfully evident when I took a chance and actually voiced my feelings. My interests and skills and thoughts of relationships were so unlike the others. They were so foreign and weird to the social mindset at the time. So I never really talked much or about much or engaged much. 

I was an enigma it seemed. 

Depression came after where I was self-aware of this chasm of differences and it created such a sense of sadness. A sense of being profoundly alone. This caused me to shy away from people, to go off on my own, and isolate myself in behaviors like hiking in forests and building things in my grandpa's shop. But those things in turn ended up magnifying my differences. My anxiety. My mental struggle. I kept searching for that essence of myself and developing who I was and how I looked at the world. And the more I found deep within, the more I distanced myself from my peers. It was more often than not that I ended up being alone in a room full of people. I was physically there but I was not there. I was unnoticed. I was ignored, I was looked over.

And I truly didn't mind.

But then, I did mind too. 

What a weird sense of reality. 

I never wanted to hurt myself or anything like that. No. I cared about myself too much for that. The depression, though, ended up being like a warm blanket. People can let it be that way, you know? It can be so comfortable and you tell yourself you need to leave but you are snug and warm and wrapped tight. It becomes easier to just leave it on. Familiar. Routine. You know?

Well, I am still that way at times. It is nowhere near where it used to be when I was a teen and a young 20yr old. Far from it. I have actually found my place in the world, my niche, and I thought that would never happen. Then I found my love of a lifetime and I also thought that would never happen either. As I grew older and experience more of the world around me, I found that my differences actually made a difference. They actually made a difference to others and I never thought that would happen. 

But for the life of me, I can't remember or know how I did it. How all those things came about. 

I still struggle though but I have these things now that I do to help myself. I draw and explore and build and tinker and read and enjoy nature and lots of other things. That is what I do now. How did I learn what helped me? How did I learn that those things pushed back the anxiety, the fear, the loneliness, and the sadness before it consumed all my thoughts and feelings? That is the million-dollar question.

I am finding it is a state of mind really. Like, you have to decide to change the way you think about yourself and the world around you. It seems so simple, right? Well, no. No, it's not. It's actually hell and near impossible for your brain to do. It is not that simple. Your brain is an adversary that is in complete domination over you. And when it gets comfortable, when it gets used to the routine, it sets up house. 

Telling your mind to feel and think differently is like making a river flow in a different path. That will only happen one of two ways; Either the world is shook to its foundations and the whole earth rearranges itself or it changes paths one grain of sand by one painstakingly minuscule grain of sand moving only an inch at a time over decades. . . . centuries. Either way, it is not easy and in real life, your brain and feelings are the same way. It is usually painful. 

So, I am back at my original question. How did I do it?  How did I learn to manage and de-escalate anxiety? How did I learn to trade feelings of worthlessness, loneliness, and other feelings of depression for happiness and contentment? How did I do it? 

God, I wish I knew. Because if I did, I might be able to help my son navigate this same thing because lately. . . .  lately I feel like I am only drawing short straws. 

"You just want to get rid of me!"

 "You just want to get rid of me!"

    He says this and I can see the anger and betrayal in his eyes. There is so much pain that I truly believe that I might see tears of blood soon. But I have to stay firm. I have to see if I can get him to understand. 

So this is what I said - 

    Son, that is not even close to what I mean. I don't even know how to explain it to you because it has to do with being parents and how parents feel. Honestly, I really don't know if you can truly know what I am talking about since you are not a parent and have no frame of reference or have experienced the feelings that your mom and I have felt or are feeling right now. 

    Your mom and I wanted to be parents before we were even married. Before we even had met. It was one of the things that we talked about and planned for when we did get married. I wanted to be a dad and it was very important that the person I decided to marry wanted to be a mom. That was one of the reasons I married her. We talked about having kids and when we wanted them to come along and how many. We wanted two kids. You see? You are very important to us and we were very deliberate in our need and purpose to create you. 

    Deciding to have kids is not just to create a human being that we just want to cast off someday. What would be the point of having kids if it was only for the sole purpose of "getting rid of them? " We would not have had you if that was the way we felt. 

    You see, son, your mom and I love each other so much that we wanted to create you and your brother to have the chance to spread our love to more people. We love each other so much that we wanted to have two children that we could raise and nurture to go out into the world to find their perfect person to love just the way we love each other. 

    You get it? It's not about "getting rid of you." It's about creating people that will increase the love in the world. We love each other and we want you to keep that love going by blessing another with it and then have children that you will create and raise to keep the love going to other people and so on. That is the purpose for us. We wanted children to love and raise to love others and have children to love to raise and to have children and so on. 

    I believe this is why God created Eve. He wanted Adam to spread his love to more people and to have kids to carry on that love to more and more people. And that is why we are not "getting rid of you." And I feel like I am doing a horrible job explaining because there is no way you can understand if you are not a parent. But trust me son, when and if you decide on being a parent yourself, I hope you look back at what I am saying right now and realize that I am only urging you to be independent for a reason that is important to us as parents. 

Being humbled by life is hard

 I am going to step away from Facebook for a while. You may have seen or noticed that my posts are showing more and more frequent times of stress that are chipping away at me.

I have been pulling bucket after bucket from my emotional well and the well does not fill back up. I then kept scraping the bottom until, in desperation, I lowered myself in the bucket to get the last drop I could squeeze from the earthen floor. And when I pulled on the rope, it snapped to trap me in the bottom looking up at a small circle of light above.

I am trapped. The way out of this well looks so far and so impossible. My heart rebels and denies my mind for believing it's impossible, but the heart has had a toll taken on it.

My heart quickly gives up fighting it.

And I sit on the damp and drying floor offering my tears to replenish what I had taken. It is in vain though for I know against my denial that this well has run dry. So, I sit, not looking up, while I cry for what I know is true. My well is truly empty.

It's unbelievable that I feel this way. No way can I have fallen to this place, a place so unlike what you know of me.

I have though.

And you know what? I am going to stay here awhile because I WANT to stay. I want to be this way. I DESERVE to feel this way. I want to wallow in it and wear it like a warm winters coat. I have switched from putting out an altruistic personality to weeks of hiding behind a fake personality that puts on a show so that I can ignore what is really eating away at me.

I am worn out emotionally and the hits are still coming. .... Will still be thrown at me. And they will keep coming for who knows how long.

So, I am stepping back and withdrawing myself to just my home....... My family....... And my work. Because I want to and I need to and I owe no one any story or explanation other than this......

I will be back. I will be better and my old self again. It is in my personality and inevitable. I don't know how long but I will make this promise to those who care.. .... I will be back and back to myself.

If you comment, I won't see them. I won't get notified. I won't think about it.

Until then, take care of yourselves while I am taking care of me and mine.

You know, this moment was written before I could have ever imagined. I didn't realize it when we were sitting in the meeting for special education. I didn't realize it when we gave in to ADHD medicine. Then there was the day I was asked to step out at the family doctor's office to be told in another room that he was severely depressed but not suicidal.

But I knew deep down and I was in denial. Or I was managing. Or I was trying to just fix it.

Then there was the therapist and counseling. Which ended up with a psychiatrist and medicine for anxiety. And the failed attempt at his first job with incompetent managers.

The attempted suicide.

I sat on the floor tucked in the corner of the dark sparse hospital room with him ranting as if he was another person or a person with too many demons to hold inside anymore. The next morning they took him away in hand and ankle cuffs since he was a risk for injuring himself...... They chained him up . . . To see him like that...... To hold close in my mind, my heart, that I was the one who made that call......

The guilt......

To see him taken away in chains broke my insides in ways I never could have imagined.

And then college with COVID-19 was ok but another layer of stress..... Another layer of medicines. And then the school year after that and this is where I break.

The fights and yelling and resistance by him with him fighting his fears and anxiety and me coming at them from the flank. But his walls, they would not fall! How can I not make a difference? Why is it not working!? Why am I failing! God! This is hard!

Three days of the start of the second year of college, after three days of mental health episodes of hysteria and ranting and out of control raving mad yelling from fear and unknown things that only he can feel and see and experience in his head......

I finally realized... I was empty. And I didn't want to be me anymore and I didn't want to bear the burden anymore. And I was running dry on mental fortitude myself.

So what do you do when everything else has been done? You have to humble yourself even more and get even more help. . . . More intense and more intervention. It was time maybe for him to be taken to a facility...

But I don't know..... God, it is hard being a parent.

And this is a good place to end this one.

Love story #16 That moment alone before the wedding.

 Of all the pictures I took at the last wedding my wife and I worked on, this one was the one that hit me the most. While all the groomsmen were having a good time talking and living it up before the wedding started, the Groom slid unnoticed off to the side and started pacing for a short. He was lost in his own thoughts. It was for only a minute maybe but you can see that it was intense and personal.

I remember my wedding day and I did the same thing. I remember how much weight I was feeling and how big the world was that was going to be on my shoulders in just a few hours. You see, it was not a questioning of whether or not I was doing the right thing or if this girl was actually "the one." That, I was positively sure of. It was more about my reservations about being the man I believed she deserved.

It was all finally hitting home for me at that moment. When she said "yes," that was a huge step in trust given to me by her. She said yes to my faithfulness. To expecting me to completely and wholly give to her my life with no glances or second thoughts or losing my love for her. She said yes to trusting that I would take care of her when she had good days and bad days and days when she would hate me and days she would not be able to keep her hands off me. She said yes to me giving my life to share her fun and happiness and successes and failures and fears and sickness and health without calling it quits. She said yes to me promising that I would never break her heart and never making her question whether or not she truly deserves to be loved in the first place.  

I am a Christian and I truly take to heart the role of a Husband as it is described in the Bible. I was thinking about whether or not I was able to fulfill that role or not. Was I ready to lead my family? Was I ready to be the "final say" to all decisions that would affect our lives? Was I ready to truly listen and take council from her to make those wise choices for the both of us? Was I ready to own up to failing and making mistakes which were/will be inevitable? Was I ready to be the one she looked to, the one she depended on, to make everything alright?

All in a picture. All this was captured in a moment when no one was looking or paying any attention. But I was. I saw him and I remembered what that moment was like. I look back and see my moment as clear as this picture I took and think, man was I glad I pushed forward with faith and that we both were confident that we would be all those things and more.

And with God's grace, we have been. 

Love story # 15 - My advice on love.

 It is hard not to seem like I am bragging when I say that I have sidestepped the usual Heartbreaks of Love.

You know what I am talking about.

I have not been dumped or cheated on, or manipulated, or used, or enticed out of, or any of the trappings that others have endured when finding their love of a lifetime. I can honestly say that my heart has never really truly been broken. 

Yeah, I know. It is hard not to sound like I am bragging. Most of you know me well enough to know what my marriage is like so this is a weird story compared to the average person. 

So this is the issue, have I just been lucky, or was it deliberate?

I have been thinking about this a lot since I have boys that are the age to dabble in the waters of love. Honestly, it scares the hell out of me. I live and show and model my life to show my boys what it is truly like to love what you do and to know what it is like to share your love of life with one who loves you to the moon and back. I just hope they were..... are paying attention. I am hoping I have taught them how to come out the other side less scathed than the average person. 

I believe now that there are some very important guidelines I lived by to skate by some hard times in the search for love. I don't know if they will be worthwhile for any of you but this blog is like my journal and I want it to be left for my boys to look back on soooooooo...... 

Here we go:

#1 You have to love yourself. I have a whole other entry on this. But really, if you are looking for love to fix your heart and heal yourself, well, I just have not seen that turn out well very often. It goes against all the "you make me whole" yarn that is out there. It is just not true that the love of another person somehow fixes you.

#2 Be wary of the pretty people with ugly personalities. Infatuation is a cruel manipulator and will blind you to this. Time is the enemy of Infatuation. Remember that.

#3 If it didn't work out, it never will.  I have always made a pact with myself that if I ever called it quits with a girl or she called it quits with me, that I would never go back. To be honest, I never have had that happen so..... I am not sure if I would have held true to it. I am pretty sure I would have, though, because of my mindset. In my mind, if things got so bad that a girl would want to call it quits, it would never work - ever. She had already made up her mind she didn't want to go any further. If I got back together with her, I would never know if they would just pull that trick out of their hat again and again and again and again. I call those kind of relationships trampolines 😉.

#4 Make sure you have fun with them and without them. You know - liking what each other do for fun. I would suggest making sure you have things in common and not in common. Make some of those things that you will just not ever like so that they can have their own space to enjoy them with friends and some that are new to you and make you step out of your comfort zone. Remember, you love yourself so your whole life is not revolving around each other. It is perfectly okay to have your own time with your own friends or for yourself. This is true for them as well. If they can't be ok on there own for awhile, they will wear you out and smother you.

#5 Pick a person who complements your love language. There is a book called "The Five Love Languages." I really feel that this book put into words what I think I just naturally picked up on all the time. Give it a read and see what you think. To go off of that, I'll give you an example. My love language is Physical Touch. One of my wife's strongest love languages is Quality Time. She feels loved most when a person spends time with her doing new things or just being present with her. Well, when I am giving her quality time, she is more affectionate and cuddly which feeds my love language. You see?

#6 Have the grit and the fortitude to do what is right. If you know that something is going nowhere, then have the guts to call it off. Seriously. If you string someone along, you are the one that is breaking hearts harder than if you just bit the bullet and called it like it is. If you know it is not going anywhere, then don't let it. There will be tears. There may be yelling. You might get cussed. You are a coward if you can't break it off because of a few tears and a cussing. Man up on this one. Maybe that is why I missed some heartache is because I just didn't go further when I didn't feel it was what I wanted. Maybe . . ... 

#7. When things start to get serious - - - - and you know what I mean. Like when you guys pass the "getting to know you" stage. You have to have some hard revelations to experience and find out: 

            1. Where are you guys going to end up living?

            2. What is their future goals for their career?

            3. How many kids do they want? Do they want kids? (How many divorces do you know where        this was not discussed until after the wedding?)

            4. What religion are they and what church will you guys go to?

            5. What is their family like and will you be able to live with them being your family?

            6. What do they expect with simple things like household chores and what jobs you have with raising children?

            7. How do they manage money and what is their mindset with how money is spent by both of you? Money is a real stressor in a relationship so start figuring that out by observing first and asking questions a little later along.

            8. How do they take care of their things and more importantly....how do they take care of your things? 

            9. What do they think of your friends. How do they talk to them? About them? How do they treat them?

#8 I think it is important to see how they really respond to different emotional stuff. How do they act when they are mad? How do they talk to you or treat you when they are mad? How do they react to you when you are sad or mad? What are they like when they are scared or full of anxiety? How do they treat you when they are? How do they talk to you when they are? How do they respond to the setbacks of life? (I have written about this too - We have a hard life, not a hard marriage) How do they handle it and what do they expect you to do when it happens? Stuff like that. 

#9 Here is one that is very very important - What are they like when they are drunk? This is a weird one. But really, I am serious. People sure do show you a lot of themselves when they are drunk. Watch for what caused them to get drunk, what they were like when drunk, what they say when drunk, what they are like after they are drunk, and especially how they treat you when they are drunk. Honestly, for me. ...I have never been drunk. Like, forget what happened lose all control of myself drunk. I know, it's hard to believe.... I never have, never will, and hate to even think of what I am like if it ever happened.  I know, it is impossible to even think that a person would not have been at least once in their life but hey, believe what you believe, huh? But I have seen some people that I love when they are and hate when they are. I think the reason I have this one is that when I was a very young teen, I had some intense memories of being around people who have gotten drunk and that really shaped how I feel about people who drink themselves into oblivion.

Well, that is all I can think of right now. Maybe I will come back and update this as I think of more but these were ones that I really lived by as I was growing up. 

One last note on this. Meeting my wife was a God thing. No lie. We were both not going to go to the place we met and somehow got talked into it. I was seeing someone at the time but it was not really serious or had gotten serious yet. But, I am lucky, you know? I seemed to have been left unscarred by the usual heartaches and still ended up with the love of my life. Man, it is hard to say that and not sound like I am bragging. But here I am and I can't relive my life so. . . . .