Mind games - I am still not ok.

 God I'm in such a mess that I don't know what to do . . .  it's again and again and again and again . . . the the shouting and the yelling and the . . .  the threats and the . . . the threats of killing themselves and it's too much for me. I  . . . I'm shaking again tremors. I don't know if I can . . . I don't know if my mind is stable enough to even deal with this anymore because it goes away for a while and then it comes back.  Like . . .  like I'm always . . .  I'm always scared. I'm scared of it coming back and then it does and then I know it will start all over again and I don't know what to do. I have a son that literally abuses me emotionally and mentally and I lay boundaries down and he doesn't like them, so he falls into this "I'm autistic and I . . .  I might as well kill myself and I don't want to be alive" and I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do and I don't trust him now. I mean I . . .  think maybe I feel . . . and I'm scared that maybe he'll hurt his mom . . .my wife . . . oh God! If anything happened to her and he did it and I wasn't able to stop it and I wasn't able to fix it and he hurt her or  . . . or worse  - I'd never forgive myself! And what am I going to do? Stay up 24 hours a day and run myself into the ground? Hell, I'd be killing myself! Who knows? I might be killing myself right now with all the worry and high blood pressure. I could stroke out or something. 

I had to get out of the house. I'm just walking now. I don't know what else to do. I can't be there . . . he's there. He's there ready to keep this fight going . . . ready to . . . ready to torture me with some other mind game.But I don't know if it's a mind game or if he is serious. I mean if you are serious when will you do it already but if he's not serious then then how do I tell? How do I get out from under this? I feel trapped in my own home with . . . with the kid that just will not grow up . . . will not be independent. A kid that expects me to be his soul provider like a slave. . . almost like a he wants me to be the dad of a baby giving him everything he needs so that he doesn't have to do anything. And he's 21 effing years old! And here I am walking out on the street because I can't face him, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to solve it and I've tried to get people to help me. I just need someone to take him away  . . . someone to just take him and turn him into a man because we can't do it. And he doesn't want to and he just wants to kill himself. That's what he says but he doesn't do it so I don't know if he's serious or if he's just playing mind games with me. And if he did . . . what would I do? What does that say about me as a father? What will that do to my . . . to my mind? What will it do to my marriage? What will it do to the rest of my life if . . . if he actually went through with it? Then all . . . all those problems will just go away but then what . . . what will it do to my mental health? That I have a son that had killed himself? Either scenario is horrible. To even think about . . .  just for him to be alive and still abusing me and making my life hell or for him to kill himself and then I'm a childless parent who wasn't able to keep his child alive. So I'm stuck and I think . . . I don't know . . . I don't know how I'm not in the hospital myself yet because I don't know how much strength I've got left. I don't know why I haven't had a mental breakdown yet. I don't know why I'm not depressed. Maybe I am depressed, and I just don't know it. Maybe I'm just . . . you know . . . functionally depressed, but if I go to the hospital nothing will. . .  nothing will change. They'll just release me, and they'll send me back. And he'll still be doing the same thing. I won't escape. I will still be in the same turmoil. I'm living in a jail of whether. . . whether I live one hell of . . . of him and his manipulation and his mind games, and the other hell of him killing himself and me living with the fact that I wasn't able to stop it. What then? What? How. . . how am I supposed to go on if that happens? How am I supposed to go on when it doesn't happen? So, here I am walking and walking and walking until I probably will collapse. I'm walking because I can't go back. Not right now. Not with the way he is right now and if everything's okay when I get back home, how long will it be before the next time? How long will it be before he . . . he throws his games on me more because I don't know how much longer I can do it. I don't know how much more I can shake it off. I don't know how much longer I can keep it together.

I'll give respect when I get respect.

 I will give respect when I get respect.

How many of you have heard this nonsense? Seriously, if the person you are interacting with has the same philosophy, think about that. These two will never ever be cordial to each other no matter how much they could enrich each other's lives just by being individuals with their own personalities. This whole way of thinking seems to be a bit of a paradox. 

I have been thinking about this for a while because I read a passage in a book that got me to thinking about the motivations behind why I would or would not give respect to a person. Honestly, I still hold to a very deep belief that the way you treat others is a reflection of the type of person you are rather than bringing to light the type of person you are interacting with. Calling out another person for faults or wrongdoing or being judgmental shows more about you than it ever does for those people. 

And it is not just calling them out, it is the way it is done that is most telling. Publicly shaming them or trying to ruin their reputation with malicious gossip and intent (no matter how true it is) is not a very good character trait to have. Rather, instead of broadcasting, you can be indifferent or aloof. If asked directly, you can just say a quick statement of why you are not supportive of them or why you will not associate with them and just leave it at that. 

But why not give a person respect until you get respect first? Is this person not a human being? Have they not a spirit and a personality and thoughts and feelings? Does that in itself not warrant the dignity of being treated as a being with a sentient mind? 

I understand that first impressions and the way a person presents themselves can be off-putting. It is true that people can be mean and confrontational and rude when they first talk to you. Think about the way you respond though. If you respond in kind, is that not a reflection of where you are maturity wise? Or is it more respectable for you to show compassion and empathy and acceptance. I personally don't have it in me to be mean or rude or unkind with a first interaction no matter how I have been approached or treated first. Honestly, the way a person treats me with no knowledge of who I am most likely has nothing to do with me personally. Maybe I triggered a memory of how they were treated by another person. Maybe they just finished a particularly bad commute. Maybe they had a fight with their spouse earlier. Maybe they are having problems with their job. Maybe they are angry deep inside because they have a sick loved one that they feel helpless about. Hell, maybe they are just defensive because they have never been treated like a human being before! Whatever it is, the way they treat you has nothing to do with you. And if you keep that in mind, the way you respond is critical to how the rest of the interaction will go. 

And seriously. It is really simple. If you have lost all respect for a person, why is it necessary to waste your time and energy running them through the ringer? Just step back. Give space and distance. Cut off ties. If you work with them, keep all interactions strictly business and then go your separate ways. But, alas, people can't let go that easily. 

It has to do with pride and arrogance. Seriously. People that demand respect in order to get respect are those who feel as if they deserve it (arrogance) or they feel like they have been judged unworthy of receiving it (hurt pride). These are signs of self-worth are they not? Demanding respect from someone that is unwilling to give it is like demanding an apology. It means nothing because the person in not genuine. So why demand it in the first place? Just move on to those who know your worth and leave those others behind. 

So, be kind . . . don't respond in kind. Show respect to another person just for the reason that they are a human being with feelings. Show respect to them no matter how they are treating you because you are reflecting who you are and not who they are. Have the confidence and the character to show respect even if it is not given to you. 

Excerpt from The Halfling's Jem by R.A. Salvatore Copywrite 1990 by TSR:

What keeps Captain Deudermont safe is his ability to show respect for anyone he meets. He is a man of charm, who holds well his personal pride. He grants respect at the outset of a meeting and continues that respect until the person forfeits it. This is very different from the way most people view the world. Most people insist that respect has to be earned, and with many, I have come to observe, earning it is no easy task! Many, and I include my friends in this group, demand that anyone desiring their friendship first earn their respect, and I can understand their point of view, and once believed that I held one similar. On my journey south on the Sea Sprite, Captain Deudermont taught me better, made me realize, without ever uttering a word on the subject, that demanding of another that he earns your respect is, in and of itself, an act of arrogance, a way of self-elevation, implying by its very nature that your respect is worth earning. Deudermont takes the opposite approach, one of acceptance and one lacking initial judgment. This may seem a subtle alternative, but it most certainly is not. Would that the man be anointed a king, I say, for he has learned the secret of peace. When Captain Deudermont, dressed in his finery, enters a tavern of common peasant thugs, most within the place, and society at large, would view him as superior. And yet, in his interactions with these people, there is no air of superiority about the man at all. In his eyes and in his heart, he is among peers, among other intelligent creatures whose paths have led them to a different—and not better or worse—place than his own. And when Deudermont grants respect to men who would think nothing of cutting his heart out, he disarms them, he takes away whatever reason they might have found to fight with him. There is much more to it than that. Captain Deudermont is able to do this because he can honestly attempt to see the world through the eyes of another. He is a man of empathy, a man who revels in the differences of people rather than fearing those differences. How rich is his life! How full of wonder and how wide of experience! Captain Deudermont taught these things to me, by example. Respect is one of the most basic needs of reasoning creatures, particularly among men. An insult is just that because it is an assault upon respect, upon esteem, and upon that most dangerous of qualities: pride. So when I meet people now, they do not have to earn my respect. I grant it, willingly and happily, expecting that in doing so I will come to learn even more about this beautiful world around me, that my experiences will widen. Certainly some people will see this as weakness or cowardice, will misconstrue my intentions as sublimation, rather than an acceptance of equal worth.