I have said before how important it is to know what you want
and then settle for no less. It is easier said than done as they say. People
are emotional and emotions can run the roost. That is why hearts get broken. It
is true with everyone I am sure. I would even say that if your heart has not
been hurt when searching for love that you must not be human.
I look back and think about all
the crushes I have had. I was the nice guy that was friend zoned and black
balled into that guise all throughout high school. I am not going to lie, it
sucked. I crushed on some girls that would not even give me a second thought. They
would start seeing this guy and that only to end in ruins. In my mind I would
gloat a little thinking – see there, you would not have had to gone through
that if it was me. But then, that was my teen hormones talking with a heavy dose of spite.
As I ventured into college, my
heart did not run my search and emotions as much. I guess it was this elusive
maturity thing that was sneaking up on me. I still had crushes and boy did I
fall hard sometimes. But, for some
reason, in the back of my mind They were tempered because I was conscience to it. I realized that I had
to wait. I was cautious and scared of heartbreak, you see. I had seen it a lot
and knew from what I saw that it was not going to go well for me if it went bad. I knew that
time would tell if what I was experiencing was truly what I was looking for or
if it was that temporary high of crushing on someone.
With all that being said, probably
one of the most surprising facts that someone finds out about me is that I was
dating two girls seriously at once before I chose to go with my wife. It is
true. Some would say I was being a player and others would judge me for being
immoral. Be as that may, it was really none of those. I was on the lookout for
a wife and I was not taking that search lightly.
First, I was plain and open to
both. They knew about each other. I was upfront about the whole ordeal.
Second, I made sure that I was not taking advantage of either of them. This may
be too much but it is important to know that there was no way that I was going
to be intimate with either one when I knew that in the end, I was cutting one
loose. That was morally wrong and I was not going to be “that guy.” Third, I
was not going to be the type that would string them along because I couldn’t
have the fortitude to let go when I knew it was going nowhere. So I did it in
two or three weeks. I made a choice.
That was a very hard day for me.
I went to the girl’s apartment to tell her that I had decided. I am not sure
how other guys feel when they are getting ready to stab the heart of a girl but
I was breaking because of it. This girl was honest to goodness a good girl and
would make a great partner for some lucky guy. It just was not me and there was
no way for me to make it any easier for her. Telling her that she was a great
girl when I was also telling her that I chose someone else would be cruel and
mean. Some guys can’t do it and in the end, it is worse. I made a vow to myself that I would not be
that guy.
So,
when I did not come fully into the apartment and I was stuttering the words to a
hello, she knew. She knew what I was going to say and she started to cry. She
was being rejected and I was the one rejecting. I steeled myself, told her that
I had chosen the other. I didn’t linger because what would that do? I didn’t
try to smooth it over or fill her with false comments about finding another. I
didn’t try to soothe her anguish or tears. I just said that I was sorry and that
maybe I would see her around campus. In my mind though, I knew she would be
okay never to have seen me again. I had to be fine with that and I was. Nothing
I did could have made it okay to her and I knew that. I could only hope that
someone someday would reverse all I did.
To this
day, I don’t regret what I decided to do. I had to make a choice and I did. I
did not do the whole ordeal with cloak and dagger. I was not going to play
these girls. I was upfront and honest with both of them. And in the end, I only
saw the other girl once. She ran up to me in the science hall of college one
day after being hurt again by someone else. She only needed comfort and a
shoulder to cry on. And that was all she needed really. She knew I was the one
to get her through. Other than that day, I have not seen her since. In my heart
I hope she found the lasting love I have. She deserved it. She really did. I
just was not the one that could have done it for her.
