I was shook to the core.

Ok, I was shook to the core. It seemed that we were just catching up. I was just meeting with her to hand over a drawing I did for her website that she wanted a logo for and to engage in some small talk. Then she said a phrase that sent my mind reeling - - - "I was going to commit suicide but you changed my mind. "

Wait..... ! What? Really? 

I know what I heard and I wanted her to say it again but then I didn't want to ask her to either. My insides turned and my heart flipped. I don't know what was said after that or what I said in response but that revelation shook me. I think what was moving me so much was that I didn't even know. I had no idea. When was it? How close were you? What did I do? How did I change your mind? Then the topic changed. 

Now it has been over a year since that day. We have just had our mandatory suicide training and this moment that was burned into my memory came back to me. This kid I taught actually had a time that they thought about killing themselves and something I did started them down a path to change their mind. My mind started down rabbit holes and thoughts flew in every direction. I had a fleeting moment of how I would have felt finding out they had passed and I thought I would break down right there at the training. I quietly stood up and walked out of the room to get some air and to collect myself. Somedays we as teachers are asked to do too much when we feel so deep.

Well, I came home and couldn't get this out of my head. So, I sent a message to them (since I am Facebook friends with them) to just straight out ask for the story. I didn't know if they would feel comfortable or not in retelling it but I had to know. I had to find out what it was that I did. Why me?

Here is what they sent back:

Hey
Of course, I don't mind talking to you about it, but I have to be honest, my time at School is very hazy for me. I have to fill in a few assumptions and say "I don't remember" a lot through this story. I think that my brain has tried to forget a lot of the memories from that time of my life, and I think that things get less clear over the years anyway.

What I do remember is this: In 9th grade, I was bullied terribly. Nobody seemed to like me. And I hated school because of it. I loved learning, but I hated school. But your class was always a sanctuary for me. I knew that, even though no one in that class liked me either, you would have my back. You wouldn't let anyone do or say anything to me. You wouldn't tolerate it. And that was a big reason why I came to like and admire you so much.

So, fast forward to December, sometime before Christmas break, and I was done. I felt depressed. I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt tired of life and the mean people in it. I had come to the decision that, over the weekend, I was going to try to put a stop to all of it. That Friday, I felt weird. I had this internal war of really not wanting to do it but feeling like I had to.

I remember that the student body was on the way to lunch and I was lurking in the hallway. I really didn't want to go in, because lunch was usually the worst time for me. I remember smelling lunch, ravioli, and thinking that it was the last lunch I would eat (I still can't smell ravioli without throwing up). I remember standing in the hallway, thinking about that, when you walked by.

I don't remember what you said, to be honest. I remember that you were your usual chipper self with your contagious smile. I remember you asking me something along the lines of how I'm doing. And I remember giving some noncommittal answer. And then you said something to me. And I don't remember what, but it was something along the lines of things always being better than they seem or life being a beautiful thing never to take advantage of or things that seem bad today will pass tomorrow or something. But whatever you said, it was one of those wise, positive things that you always threw into our days. But this time seemed different. The way you looked at me—100% of your attention on me, looking into my eyes, appearing to not think of anybody or anything else except the conversation you were having with me—made me feel like someone valued me, like someone outside of my family thought I was worth something. What you said and the way you looked at me was like you knew exactly what I was thinking. And to this day, I still think some part of you did know—I think God put it in your gut because He knew that I would hear you, I would listen to you. You asked me if I'd been to the guidance counselor recently. I don't remember my answer. I do remember you encouraging me to go.

I don't remember what you said after that or if you took me to the guidance counselor or even what I did after that... The next memory I have is the guidance counselor looking me in the eyes and asking if I had plans to commit suicide. I remember answering. The rest is a blur of cop cars and hospitals and doctors. And then my mom. Her tears. Her face. It's a look that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

And the way you treated me before and my mom treated me after are the reasons I will never ever consider something like that again, no matter how hard life gets. Both of you made me feel worthy and valued, and both of you looked at me like I was a person who would be missed. And as the images and words of those days fade away, I know I won't ever forget that feeling.
I don't know if that was helpful at all, but I hope you got something out of it. Again, I'm sorry I can't be more clear... the memories just aren't really there. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to let me know I don't remember that day because what this kid described is something that I always do. If you have met me, you know. I am chipper and enthusiastic and I do talk to each person as if they are the only person in the world. It makes me wonder - how many more? How many kids came to me looking for that feeling and I never knew? All the what if's of that day is overwhelming. What if this kid didn't linger in the hallway. What if I didn't go down to the lunch room because I really never did. What if I had another goal and didn't take the time to really stop? What if...what if... what if... It could drive me crazy. But in reality, it was a God thing, huh? I have been told that I can be a bit unsettling when talking to someone for the very reason this kid said they were convicted to get help. I look intently into people's eyes. I don't know, it is just my thing I guess. But to hear someone say that it made a difference to them is just. . . .hard to put into words. I will tell you one thing about people today, they don't look and talk to someone as if they are the only thing in the world when they are talking. What kind of subliminal message is that sending out? In the end, I am glad that they got the help they needed because I would have missed them terrible. I hope that this story reaches all who read this. You are important to me and you are important to others too! You may not feel it but that is a fact. Share this with others and let as many people you know that they have people that care for them. And for goodness sake - - - When you are talking to someone, make sure they feel that they are the whole world to you at that moment.

Love Story - Part 12 - She before them. Shame on me?

I saw a meme the other day that stated something to the effect that the most important relationship is with our kids. I also saw another one that talked about how it happens to be ok to go out for dinner if you have a safe environment (in my day they called them babysitters) for your kids to be when you are gone. These ideas have gotten me to thinking – how has the idea that keeping the relationship with your wife (or husband) a priority become so scorned and shamed after having kids? People have tried to shame me for making my wife the center of my attention and a priority – even over the kids! How dare I do such a thing? Is it really neglecting kids to take time and keep the connection to my wife? No. Absolutely not. And you can’t convince me otherwise.

Our kids are important. They are very important. They are not so important, though, to get in the way of the marriage. Actually, the kids should be strengthening a marriage. Sadly though, it seems the opposite is true in a lot of cases. Parents focus so much of their attention on the kids that they leave their own relationship in ruins. How many have you seen do that? I am sure you can imagine a husband standing in front of a judge telling him that he feels worthless and unneeded or unwanted ever since their kid came along. He would be saying things like she doesn’t have time for me anymore, all she talks about is the kids, everything she does is for the kids, she will not be intimate with me anymore, and other statements like that. In the end, how does that help their kids? How is that putting the kid first? It really doesn’t.

Well, it is not just that. If you really look at the studies and research about this topic, it is clear that kids just put a stress on a marriage that basically puts it in a cruising lane. It is like parents drop loving each other to doing everything for their kid. They change talking to each other about life to talking about the kids exclusively. They stop thinking about where they would like to go out to dinner with each other to where they are going to be taking the kid next. Even gender roles hold tight and bind parents into almost a slave for gender associated jobs with child rearing. It is interesting to see what has been collected with the studies and look at how marriages are talked about. It is almost like everyone knows how much it changes them to the adverse but they automatically give a socially conditioned response and say it is bliss when it really is not.

Then you have the shamers – those people that will pass judgment on you if you are not holding to this socialized expectation that kids are the center of both your worlds. Sorry. I am not going to cave to this. I started my independent life with my wife and from that came our children. Marriage for me was not a means to an end of having kids and then all bets were off. I first and foremost got married to have a wife FOR EVER. My boys came along because we wanted a symbol or our love and to make a contribution of caring, affectionate, intelligent, people that will add to someone else’s life some day. That is just it, someone else’s life. They will not take the place of our marriage and they will eventually leave us. Yes, leave. . . . us. That is our job as parents. We raise our kids to be independent and to know what it truly means to love their spouses - FOR EVER. We – my wife and I – have the job and obligation to show them.

That means they need to hear me compliment her. They need to hear me talk to her about what we will do after they leave us. They need to hear me ask her about stuff that has nothing to do with them. They need to be told that mommy and daddy must have time for themselves with no kids. They need to be told that our bed and our bedroom is not theirs. It is our space. They have to see me be affectionate and flirt with her. They have to see me buy her gifts and not to include them in the buying. They have to hear me talk about her when she is not with us. They have to see that she needs her space to be alone and not bothered by the kids. This and more needs to be done constantly and to be talked about with them too.

And it is ok to do this. It is okay to let them know that we have to put them aside sometimes and put the marriage up front. In a way, we need to show them what it is like to truly live with another person and be happy. We also need to be able to show them that we will be fine when they leave to be on their own . . . you know . . . that we will be happy together still. We need them to understand that they are not meant to be with us forever and that is the way it is supposed to be. We need to teach them it is ok, and we will be ok, and they will be ok because everything will be ok.

Because in the end, if we are not happy with each other after having kids, how does that create kids that are happy about their parents? How does that help kids feel confident in their relationships if their own parents couldn’t keep theirs together? The most devastating news to a kid is that their parents do not love each other. They are being told that the two most important people in the world to them are not happy and will not want each other anymore.  It is a massive blow that the one thing that culminated into creating them has fallen apart. They are broken that their parents stopped loving each other and stopped trying. Isn’t that true? It is vital to show them then that you are still together and that you still enjoy each other’s company. Show them, you love each other and will spend time with each other and that you will still do all the things that you do to stay in love with each other. Because, even though they may feel put aside or left out or ignored. . . in the end the strength of your relationship is more important to them than having to sit on the sideline sometimes. They can’t express it or say it or even be conscious of it . . . . but it is true.

Well, there it is. Wife is first and kids are second. Unconventional thinking and behaving but I feel it is better in the end.

What the hell do I know anyway?

It was passively brought up again.

 It seems that I can't get away from this skepticism. Some still question if I took my time to decide if She was truly the one. I looked back at all the stuff I have written. All that stuff about love and relationships and all. I think to myself - So, what the hell do I know anyway?

Seriously. I talk a good game and I show my love and affection all the time towards my wife. They wonder if it is genuine. Is that it though? Do I have something that is so uncommon and special that if someone emulated me, they would have such a great marriage or relationship? Maybe. Most likely not. 

I am not much of an example to tell you the truth. Before I met Her, I had honest to goodness dated less than 5 people. Less than 5. In 23 years. Yes - you read that right. I dated less than 5 girls in the first 23 years of my life. Most of those were literally for only one or two dates. Hell, the first real kiss I had with a girl is with my now wife. How pathetic is that? Awe, isn't that romantic? Is it really? Really? I had not been serious with any girl until I met my wife. What did I know about relationships? Nothing. Nadda. Zilch. 

That's it. Of course! It could be that I jumped at the first girl that gave me attention. It could be that I didn't bother to play the field and took the first person that came on to me. Maybe I just am sad and have no idea what I was doing. I had no experience and no previous girlfriends, no break ups, no relationships. I just decided that the first one was THE one and I pursued her until I wore her down to just say yes. 

So, what the hell do I know? When I dated this girl that is now my wife, I was met with skepticism. I was asked if I was really sure if this one was THE one. I mean. I hadn't dated much so that meant I must be just being infatuated. It was just a phase. I need to play the field more and get my feet wet. I just needed to slow down and think it over more. 

That's it. Of course! I needed to search some more. Break my heart some more. Experience more girls. That was all I needed. More girls. 

Well, you know what? 23years later. 23. I am still with her. I have never looked back and I am happy. It is not an act. It is not a show. It is not just a mask I put on. It is not some façade I apply in the morning like shave cream. It is real. It is my life. It is my marriage. It is my right to choose what I do for her and what I don't. It is my choice to spend, act, say, do, do not, go, stay, and what ever the hell I think. 

You can think what you think and elude to what you want to elude without just coming out and saying it. I don't really care. 

We have been happy. We are happy. It is us and it is not you. 

But then, according to your passive aggressive scathing implying tone - - - what the hell do I know anyway?

Love story - part 11 Get your priorities straight.

You know, I have been told that putting the other first is important. It seems so right doesn't it? You make your spouse a priority and that will cement your marraige or relationship. How can it not be right?

Right?

I am not so sure really.

Man, I don't even know how to explain it without sounding all wrong or like I am a selfish butt rag. Here it goes . . . I don't make my wife a priority all the time. I have to think of myself first. Okay? In my mind, it seems that If you don't think of yourself first and keep putting the other out in front or giving and giving to them that you will shrivel up inside. It is part of the taking care of me so we both can take care of us.

Of course I don't mean all the time. It is just that you have to put yourself first to hang onto your identity. You need to keep that part of your life that is yours. C'mon, isn't that what has drawn my Wife to me in the first place? I am a nerd and a tinkerer. I like to build and learn and such. I buy stuff for me at times and sometimes I don't even tell her when it may be a bit expensive. I have to have time to myself doing what I want to do for me. I need to be selfish at times. I need to just do stuff for me.

I think this is important because it helps me to give more on the back end. Now I am not saying that it has to be all or nothing but a person will burnout emotionally putting the other first all the time. This is suppose to be two people who are individuals sharing life with each other.. It is a venn diagram, not a complete overlap. I have seen it before. A guy that turns off his life to completely focus on his girlfriend. Obsessively. Eventually the girl didn't even know why she likes the guy in the first place.

Don't get me wrong though, I am in a marriage. The marriage has to be a priority. Why the hell did I get married if I was unwilling to make it a priority? I'm just saying that it can't be completely a focus of one person to another. "Well, that is why if each are making the other a priority it all balances out," would be the response. Then you have two burnt out people. I am selfish when I make choices in our relationship and I will admit it. A lot of times I am only thinking of myself.

Seriously. Do you think I got season tickets to the symphony because I am putting her first? Naw, I like going myself. I like her coming too so I can spend time with her. Do you think I bought her a She Shed because I was thinking only of her? Nope, I wanted electric for my shop and shop time to build stuff to put in it. Do you think I say to her it is fine to go out shopping for a day with her girlfriends because I am thinking of her? Not a chance, I get to have a day to myself doing what I want to do. All that stuff may look like I am putting her first but don't kid yourself.

Making my wife a priority in my marraige is only part of my marraige. Only part of it. Part of it is thinking of myself. Part of it is for her to only think of herself. Part of it is to focus on us. Part of it is to focus n our kids. Part of it is on our marraige. Part of it is to focus on our life that provides for us. And...and...and...the list goes on.

I know saying that your spouse should be your priority sounds all romantic and right. It is plastered all over movies and magazines. Those are just one to two hour fantasies though. In reality, we have to put ourselves first sometimes. And that is okay. It just needs to be a part of a whole.

Love Story - part 10 We have hard times - not hard marraiges.

 By now by now you must think she and I are perfect. Perfect house, perfect kids, perfect car, perfect dog, perfect flatware . . . Perfect marraige. 

Well, we do not. 

Honestly, we have had stuff that would have......has.....Broken other couples. They have called it quits over some of this stuff that has happened to us. I know. When you talk to me, I sound like my life is perfect and we are living the dream. But in reality, we have had our setbacks and hard times like all others. 

I have been heard saying that you have hard times, not hard marriages.

How many have you seen let hard times affect their marriage? How many have you seen the unforeseen, unpredictable, unfair life happenings get them in a mindset of blaming their spouse and calling it quits?

Well, it has not been all roses for us. I will tell you that! We have had our setbacks that should have stressed our marriage to breaking. 

We first thought we would not be able to have kids. The guilt she felt that she may have been defective and unable to give her husband the child he so desired put a toll on her. Then our boy was born a month early. No big deal in this day and age but still frightening. 

When he was born, there were complications. Complications with her. Since that day our sex life changed forever. How many have you heard of a permanent change in sex life was a deal-breaker for a marriage? Is that one aspect of your relationship really the main pillar? The one keystone that the whole marriage is held up by? Really?

Then I lost my job. I lost the financial support for our family. I had no way to pay for our lifestyle because she was staying home and caring for our baby boy. She was depending on me to hold my end of the deal and make the money to support all of us. And I failed. Would a woman leave because of that? I have seen it before. 

We moved to another state. That in itself could have caused us to fall apart. There are some people that will flat out not move from where they are living as if it was Linus' blanket. The nights I worried about whether or not my wife would follow me to a practically unknown new "home" was pretty stressful. 

When we moved, the stress on my wife changed her forever giving her depression that needed to be managed with medicine. I learned to see the signs and the symptoms. I learned to be more of an emotional coach and to lift her spirits either by action or presence. How many would have given up then?

After that we tried again for another child. It was worse and harder than the first. Did I mention the change to our sex life? Did I mention her new depression that was being managed with medicine? It was another time our new baby was early and this time it was not all fine. He had to stay in NICU for a week. How easily would it have been for others to just say, "I'm out."?

Since then there has been a bankruptcy, more health problems, behavior / health issues with our kids, financial hardship, family hardship, and a host of other stuff that has happened. Stuff just happens. 

Enough to cause others to call it all off. 

Why didn't we?

Because those things did not happen because we were married. Those things just happen anyway. They happen to people all the time. The difference is we had each other to get through it all with.

 It was because we have hard times but we don't have hard marriages. 

That is the key. I have no idea how these life happenings can be associated with being a marriage problem or a problem of the  spouse. I suppose if one or the other is making choices without the other's best interest in mind, it could be quite the stress. But, then again, why are you running in a marriage but still trying to go it all alone? You have a partner. You have another person's viewpoint and knowledge and all the stuff you do not. That in itself is worth everything. 

So, when you see me and I shine when I talk of my wife. When you marvel at how I can light up at the thought of my wife or how I am like a love sick puppy, just remember what I have said. Listen to what I am saying and you think that I am perfect and our lives are perfect and nothing bad will ever happen to us. That is not true. those hardships do happen to us. 

It does. We just know that together, we can get through and not be alone. We know that at the end of the day, we have someone that is there and will hold us and let each other breath a moment of peace. because those things happen to us not because we are married. they happen any way. It is nice to be able to navigate through them with someone that loves you. 

We have hard times, not hard marriages.