Do you miss her?

 A girl said to me that she watched all those couples walking by her and that made her feel lonely.

Then she asked me if I felt lonely when I was not with my wife. 

I said  - "no."

"You don't?" she asked.

"No." I said flatly.

"You don't feel lonely ever when you are not with her?"

"Nope. I know that will be home when I get there." I said.

She pressed on, "You don't feel lonely when you are not with your wife. Like right now, you don't feel lonely?"

"No, she and I are married and live together and I see her every day. It is constant. Why would I feel lonely the moment she is not physically with me?"

Not giving up the argument, she then said, "Well, you never know. She may not make it home today."

"Now that is altogether different. Isn't it? You are referring to the popular phrase that goes something like..... We are not guaranteed tomorrow. 

"It Is Not The Same.

 Why would I feel lonely because of a fear that something would happen to her and be taken away from me? That kind of fear..... Living each day scared of something that may not happen for years and years if ever..... Is crazy.

How about this. Wouldn't it be worse to be with someone ..... Married or not....and still be lonely? Think about that. To live every day with a person you supposedly love.... in the same house or being together every day..... but still feel like you don't know them and feel disconnected. Being in a relationship but as lonely as being single. 

Yeah, well. That is not me. As horrible as it would be, if I lost my wife today I would never look back and say I wasted a moment with her. I didn't waste an opportunity to tell her I loved her or cuddle or hold her hand or taker her out to dinner or ask her how her day went or all those other moments that make life better with a wife. 

Of course, I would be devastated at the loss. You know I would be crushed but I can't fear something that only could happen. You know? It is much better to live life with that sort of paranoia. "

It is time we stop minimizing

    You know, I was thinking the other day about what a dear friend said to me when I helped her with a small job. I fixed a picture frame for her. It was one that she had for a long time and it really was not worth that much but it was one she wanted to keep so that she didn't have to buy another or look for another. It was not really all that difficult and I had the know-how and tools. It only took me maybe a half-hour to an hour to fix. So I took it back to her and she was so happy and thank me gratuitously which made me kind of shrink a little and said it was not that big of a deal. No, really. It was a small thing for me. 

    And then she said something that was an epiphany to me - She said, "It may have been small thing to you but it is a big deal to me."

    And that is when I started to change the way that I thought about how we are taught to minimize how we think of ourselves. . . . .and others. 

     You see, I was minimizing my skill, knowledge, and effort by saying it was nothing. In my mind, I thought I was just being humble and not bragging. But she would not let me think of what I did as being unimportant or less than that of a person who did an extravagant service for her. She was saying that what I did was something that she was unable to do and that it was significant to her. She was saying it should be significant to me even though I minimized it to not being that big of a deal. I can still be humble by not going on and on about the whole thing. I can be gracious and say thank you and that I was pleased that I was able to help. But to say that it was not a big deal or that for some reason it was less than it really was..... well, that was not true.

    Don't we also minimize things that are happening to us and to others? You know what I mean. We either say to someone else or to ourselves that compared to someone else, we have it easy with our hardship. It could be worse. We say or we compare theirs to ours and say that it is no big deal. How dare we complain?!

    A small example would be like this - When my hands get cold, they are hurting more and more nowadays. When I say that they are hurting and it is hard to use them, my wife will always say, "I will trade you." You see? She is minimizing my pain by saying that hers is more and I should be lucky that it is not worse. 

Should I though?

    Should I just suck it up and say nothing and just minimize my struggle since it is not aS bad as it could be? I don't think so. This is new to me and I am not used to it. The last time she said that to me I told her that it does not make my hands stop hurting and with her pain and my pain, it just made our lives more difficult to manage. I know my pain is less and I know that I am able to still do more but that does not make my struggle less than hers...... does it? 

    It was a small thing to her but it was a big thing to me...... you see?

With me in pain, I was thinking that I would not be able to complete tasks as well and since she is worse off, and that is not insignificant. 

    People need to understand that when a person is worried and full of anxiety and they are struggling with something new, to them it is very bad. It is the first time or unknown and that makes it scary. It is definitely not a small thing to them. And we should not minimize it. It may be old hack to someone else but to tell a person who has never experienced or has no knowledge of what is going on that it is no big deal by minimizing their trouble with something that is bigger does not help. 

    You know what does? Empathy. Empathy with what you know and how to help those who don't know how to manage it. Give wisdom and understanding and an open ear. Not judgment and minimizing of their struggle. Guide them to understand what is going on or how to cope. Explain to them what happened to you or someone else and give advice on how to navigate through. Because this is the first time for them and they need it. It is not a big deal to someone who knows but is a huge deal to someone who has never faced it. 

    If you don't get why they are struggling or you think they are overreacting or you don't even have the same frame of reference, then listen. Just listen and ask them to try and put into words what they are struggling with. Have them try to verbalize it. And if you still don't understand, let them know that you really have no frame of reference but you see that this is a big deal to them even if you can't or don't know how to help.

    Stop minimizing other people when they struggle or their contributions. Because remember - It is a big deal to them so it is not just a small thing.