I saw a meme the
other day that stated something to the effect that the most important
relationship is with our kids. I also saw another one that talked about how it happens to be ok to go out for dinner if you have a safe environment (in my day they
called them babysitters) for your kids to be when you are gone. These ideas
have gotten me to thinking – how has the idea that keeping the relationship
with your wife (or husband) a priority become so scorned and shamed after having kids? People
have tried to shame me for making my wife the center of my attention and a
priority – even over the kids! How dare I do such a thing? Is it really neglecting
kids to take time and keep the connection to my wife? No. Absolutely not. And
you can’t convince me otherwise.
Our kids are
important. They are very important. They are not so important, though, to get
in the way of the marriage. Actually, the kids should be strengthening a
marriage. Sadly though, it seems the opposite is true in a lot of cases.
Parents focus so much of their attention on the kids that they leave their own
relationship in ruins. How many have you seen do that? I am sure you can
imagine a husband standing in front of a judge telling him that he feels
worthless and unneeded or unwanted ever since their kid came along. He would be
saying things like she doesn’t have time for me anymore, all she talks about is
the kids, everything she does is for the kids, she will not be intimate with me
anymore, and other statements like that. In the end, how does that help their
kids? How is that putting the kid first? It really doesn’t.
Well, it is not
just that. If you really look at the studies and research about this topic, it
is clear that kids just put a stress on a marriage that basically puts it in a cruising
lane. It is like parents drop loving each other to doing everything for their
kid. They change talking to each other about life to talking about the kids
exclusively. They stop thinking about where they would like to go out to dinner
with each other to where they are going to be taking the kid next. Even gender
roles hold tight and bind parents into almost a slave for gender associated
jobs with child rearing. It is interesting to see what has been collected with
the studies and look at how marriages are talked about. It is almost like
everyone knows how much it changes them to the adverse but they automatically give
a socially conditioned response and say it is bliss when it really is not.
Then you have the
shamers – those people that will pass judgment on you if you are not holding to
this socialized expectation that kids are the center of both your worlds.
Sorry. I am not going to cave to this. I started my independent life with my
wife and from that came our children.
Marriage for me was not a means to an end of having kids and then all bets were
off. I first and foremost got married to have a wife FOR EVER. My boys came
along because we wanted a symbol or our love and to make a contribution of
caring, affectionate, intelligent, people that will add to someone else’s life
some day. That is just it, someone else’s life. They will not take the place of
our marriage and they will eventually leave us. Yes, leave. . . . us. That is
our job as parents. We raise our kids to be independent and to know what it truly means to
love their spouses - FOR EVER. We – my wife and I – have the job and obligation
to show them.
That means they
need to hear me compliment her. They need to hear me talk to her about what we
will do after they leave us. They need to hear me ask her about stuff that has
nothing to do with them. They need to be told that mommy and daddy must have
time for themselves with no kids. They need to be told that our bed and our
bedroom is not theirs. It is our space. They have to see me be affectionate and
flirt with her. They have to see me buy her gifts and not to include them in
the buying. They have to hear me talk about her when she is not with us. They
have to see that she needs her space to be alone and not bothered by the kids. This
and more needs to be done constantly and to be talked about with them too.
And it is ok to do
this. It is okay to let them know that we have to put them aside sometimes and
put the marriage up front. In a way, we need to show them what it is like to
truly live with another person and be happy. We also need to be able to show
them that we will be fine when they leave to be on their own . . . you know . .
. that we will be happy together still. We need them to understand that they
are not meant to be with us forever and that is the way it is supposed to be.
We need to teach them it is ok, and we will be ok, and they will be ok because
everything will be ok.
Because in the end,
if we are not happy with each other after having kids, how does that create
kids that are happy about their parents? How does that help kids feel confident
in their relationships if their own parents couldn’t keep theirs together? The most
devastating news to a kid is that their parents do not love each other. They
are being told that the two most important people in the world to them are not
happy and will not want each other anymore.
It is a massive blow that the one thing that culminated into creating
them has fallen apart. They are broken that their parents stopped loving
each other and stopped trying. Isn’t that true? It is vital to show them then
that you are still together and that you still enjoy each other’s company. Show
them, you love each other and will spend time with each other and that you will
still do all the things that you do to stay in love with each other. Because,
even though they may feel put aside or left out or ignored. . . in the end the
strength of your relationship is more important to them than having to sit on
the sideline sometimes. They can’t express it or say it or even be conscious
of it . . . . but it is true.
Well, there it is.
Wife is first and kids are second. Unconventional thinking and behaving but I
feel it is better in the end.
