Wait..... ! What? Really?
I know what I heard and I wanted her to say it again but then I didn't want to ask her to either. My insides turned and my heart flipped. I don't know what was said after that or what I said in response but that revelation shook me. I think what was moving me so much was that I didn't even know. I had no idea. When was it? How close were you? What did I do? How did I change your mind? Then the topic changed.
Now it has been over a year since that day. We have just had our mandatory suicide training and this moment that was burned into my memory came back to me. This kid I taught actually had a time that they thought about killing themselves and something I did started them down a path to change their mind. My mind started down rabbit holes and thoughts flew in every direction. I had a fleeting moment of how I would have felt finding out they had passed and I thought I would break down right there at the training. I quietly stood up and walked out of the room to get some air and to collect myself. Somedays we as teachers are asked to do too much when we feel so deep.
Well, I came home and couldn't get this out of my head. So, I sent a message to them (since I am Facebook friends with them) to just straight out ask for the story. I didn't know if they would feel comfortable or not in retelling it but I had to know. I had to find out what it was that I did. Why me?
Here is what they sent back:
Hey
Of course, I don't mind talking to you about it, but I have to be honest, my time at School is very hazy for me. I have to fill in a few assumptions and say "I don't remember" a lot through this story. I think that my brain has tried to forget a lot of the memories from that time of my life, and I think that things get less clear over the years anyway.
What I do remember is this: In 9th grade, I was bullied terribly. Nobody seemed to like me. And I hated school because of it. I loved learning, but I hated school. But your class was always a sanctuary for me. I knew that, even though no one in that class liked me either, you would have my back. You wouldn't let anyone do or say anything to me. You wouldn't tolerate it. And that was a big reason why I came to like and admire you so much.
So, fast forward to December, sometime before Christmas break, and I was done. I felt depressed. I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt tired of life and the mean people in it. I had come to the decision that, over the weekend, I was going to try to put a stop to all of it. That Friday, I felt weird. I had this internal war of really not wanting to do it but feeling like I had to.
I remember that the student body was on the way to lunch and I was lurking in the hallway. I really didn't want to go in, because lunch was usually the worst time for me. I remember smelling lunch, ravioli, and thinking that it was the last lunch I would eat (I still can't smell ravioli without throwing up). I remember standing in the hallway, thinking about that, when you walked by.
I don't remember what you said, to be honest. I remember that you were your usual chipper self with your contagious smile. I remember you asking me something along the lines of how I'm doing. And I remember giving some noncommittal answer. And then you said something to me. And I don't remember what, but it was something along the lines of things always being better than they seem or life being a beautiful thing never to take advantage of or things that seem bad today will pass tomorrow or something. But whatever you said, it was one of those wise, positive things that you always threw into our days. But this time seemed different. The way you looked at me—100% of your attention on me, looking into my eyes, appearing to not think of anybody or anything else except the conversation you were having with me—made me feel like someone valued me, like someone outside of my family thought I was worth something. What you said and the way you looked at me was like you knew exactly what I was thinking. And to this day, I still think some part of you did know—I think God put it in your gut because He knew that I would hear you, I would listen to you. You asked me if I'd been to the guidance counselor recently. I don't remember my answer. I do remember you encouraging me to go.
I don't remember what you said after that or if you took me to the guidance counselor or even what I did after that... The next memory I have is the guidance counselor looking me in the eyes and asking if I had plans to commit suicide. I remember answering. The rest is a blur of cop cars and hospitals and doctors. And then my mom. Her tears. Her face. It's a look that will haunt me for the rest of my life.
And the way you treated me before and my mom treated me after are the reasons I will never ever consider something like that again, no matter how hard life gets. Both of you made me feel worthy and valued, and both of you looked at me like I was a person who would be missed. And as the images and words of those days fade away, I know I won't ever forget that feeling.
I don't know if that was helpful at all, but I hope you got something out of it. Again, I'm sorry I can't be more clear... the memories just aren't really there. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to let me know
I don't remember that day because what this kid described is something that I always do. If you have met me, you know. I am chipper and enthusiastic and I do talk to each person as if they are the only person in the world. It makes me wonder - how many more? How many kids came to me looking for that feeling and I never knew? All the what if's of that day is overwhelming. What if this kid didn't linger in the hallway. What if I didn't go down to the lunch room because I really never did. What if I had another goal and didn't take the time to really stop? What if...what if... what if... It could drive me crazy. But in reality, it was a God thing, huh?
I have been told that I can be a bit unsettling when talking to someone for the very reason this kid said they were convicted to get help. I look intently into people's eyes. I don't know, it is just my thing I guess. But to hear someone say that it made a difference to them is just. . . .hard to put into words. I will tell you one thing about people today, they don't look and talk to someone as if they are the only thing in the world when they are talking. What kind of subliminal message is that sending out?
In the end, I am glad that they got the help they needed because I would have missed them terrible. I hope that this story reaches all who read this. You are important to me and you are important to others too! You may not feel it but that is a fact. Share this with others and let as many people you know that they have people that care for them. And for goodness sake - - - When you are talking to someone, make sure they feel that they are the whole world to you at that moment.
