But I digress. What I am really stuck on lately is the fact that I am in a struggle as a father to help and guide my son to where he needs to be in order to cope with life and be the independent man I know he can become. Honestly, the last year has been filled with so many ups and downs, progress and setbacks that it is hard to explain to the regular guy that we are mentally and emotionally stretched beyond what we thought we could go. It all has to do with that known but still mysterious workings of the brain.
So here we are in the after math. He is home after his third stay in the hospital for attempted self-harm. It was crazy terrible, and this stay started with calling 911 in a mess of who can remember the insanity of that nightmare of 30 mins. Seriously, I remember restraining him and the police giving my wife and I one last bit of comforting words of "He's safe now" before we were left alone. Everything in between is a blur of repressed memories and emotion.
Now that he is home, I am in this phase of "What Now?" I mean my wife and I have tried so many things. We have done more tests and more types of medicine and different therapists and more supporting programs and more encouraging and . . . . .and . . .. . and . . . . We are tired and our mental strength is waning. It is hard to explain but we still are at this blocked road with a sign that reads, "Seriously, What Else Can Be Done?"
We can't give up though. This can't be the end. I refuse to give in.
I think that after this last stay that maybe the stress on him is starting to change his goals. I think that maybe he is starting to see that we are still going and that we will not back down from what we want. The aftermath of this stay seems to be a little different. I mean he still is battling his own mental wars with anxiety and being around people and being able to cope with stress and all that. But this time, I think maybe his mind set has changed a little. At least it seems like it has.
I mean, he is not mentally ill. Not really if you think about it. He just perceives his world around him differently. He doesn't approach the average social situation in that same way and his mind can play tricks on him to believe or fear things that are not really there. This is the part that needs to be overcome. The hardest part of it is to help him to understand that it starts with him. We have to get him to know that half or more of the work to overcome these difficulties and to work around them is his work to be done. It is up to him and that he has to work at changing the way he sees and thinks about the world around him.
Of course, the actual hardest part is to get him to really believe deep down that he is not only capable of doing this but also totally able to do it as well.
This is the roadblock. This is the part that really is the crux of all of it. And once we figure out how to dismantle that roadblock he is standing in front of and get him get through, everything else will fall into place.
Even then, though, it will still be a long road. There will be a long way to go still and a lot of pitfalls, progress and setbacks. It is inevitable.
God, the brain is a mysterious piece of biology.
