Thier past is who they are.

 

Do not ignore their self-definition

 Throughout my relationship life, I have found that there are a few occurrences or ideals that seem to tear a relationship apart before it even begins. I am talking about those things that will make the relationship fail from the beginning only because of the position that the participants take. Some of these include religion, children, money, aspirations, and a whole host of others. The ones mentioned in the previous sentence I feel are the type in which are non – negotiables because you either want two kids or you don’t. You either want to be a Christian or you don’t. Trust me..... They need to be hashed out before thinking about marriage.

 The problem is that there are a few of these that have misinterpretations that seem like they are harmful to a relationship but is just a matter of how the partner interprets it. The one I really feel breaks a relationship more often than needs be is the talk of the Ex. I found this to be true with my wife when we first were dating. She felt as if talking or even mentioning his name would somehow distance me from her. At first, I let that go until I got to know her first. Then, once I truly knew her heart and intentions, I had to have a very serious talk with her about how I felt about talking of the ex thing.

 You see, people really are a make up of their life’s experiences. No one is truly ever going to stay the same because what happens to them in life molds a new aspect to their self definition. It can be a “Wow, I will cherish this moment for the rest of my life!” or it can also be “I will never do that again.” Relationships put new views of what a person wants out of their mate or can seriously damage their sense of trust in the opposite sex. Sometimes a failed relationship can put a stop to all future relationships.

 I had to let her know that I was alright with her talking about Him. She had spent over three years of her life with him and was very very serious. He actually told her that he wanted to marry her. Now, you know what this means to a girl. That is about the same as getting down on one knee and handing over the ring. Guys, make sure you take notes. Talking of marriage to a girl is not a toy to be played with.

 Anyway, when this amount of time and emotional investment has been made, she was pretty much devastated when she found out that he had been cheating on her and to add fuel to the fire, he was going to be a dad with that other woman. Yeah, I wish this scenario on none of my friends and family. She pretty much went into a physical and mental cocoon distancing herself from all social interaction. She went so far as to literally distance herself physically by going to college 200 miles from where He lived.

 That is when she met me. I seemed to be her savior and I really didn’t know until a few months into our relationship. I was picking up more on how she would verbally evade certain topics and that meant especially Him. She seemed like she wanted to be close, but she had a hard time being open out of fear of how I would respond. She was ashamed of some of her past choices when it came to her boyfriends. She had low expectations of herself and really felt that I was not going to stay with her if I knew. She didn’t want to give her opinion unless I said mine first. I then knew, she was hurt pretty bad before.

 So, that is when I had to clear the air to help us move on.

 It is insane for me to expect her to forget over two years of her life because it was that time that she spent everyday with Him. But others expect thier partner to do just that. It's crazy thinking to me. It is unfair for me to demand her to forget His name and never mention Him when a fond memory comes to mind. She was alive during those years. She had good times and bad times. She has memories of how happy she was and of how she was deceived. Those are the experiences that helped to make her who she is today. These are only a small part of what self defines her as a person. To ask or even demand her to forget or not talk of it is like saying that she did not live for two years. It is not right to have her ignore that part of her life because of insecure feelings that could threaten our life together. I was not going to be that petty. I was not going to be that guy.

 She did have a serious relationship with another person and that almost ended up a marriage. She does have very fond memories of her time with Him. She does talk about it sometimes. And it does not bother me because I am with her now and still with her years later. As time has gone by, she mentions him less and less. I am now filling in most of her memories and she is letting go. I guess I helped her with that, and I am glad.

 To ask a person to forget their past is like saying that they might as well not have lived for that time frame. It is better to accept that it is a part of their life and memories. It was just another time in their life. Without that part of their life, they would not be the person they are now with you.

My Quiet Husband Rage

 I am mad as hell. I am livid. I am fuming and angry beyond my limits. I am raging inside. It is like a simmering calderon of heated fire that I have to repress and hold close and I need to put this down on paper. 

So. . . .  

What the hell people!? What the stupid, short sighted, self-centered, egotistical, mean hearted, unprofessional, self-serving hell?

My wife is looking for another job. Again, she is being overlooked for what an amazing and talented teacher and professional she is to people that are only self-promoting and perpetuating the status quo.

Seriously! Is it because she is an extremely capable woman in a woman dominated field? Is it because she is more talented than most in her field and they know it? It is because she has better ideas or is better at identifying what can be done better? Is it because her depth of knowledge and creativity and ability to be on top of everything is seen as threatening? So, what is it? What? What is it?

I think what is really starting to bother me is that I truly believe that the problems in education is not the kids..... it's the adults. I am not going into the parents on this one but they are another side of this that deserves an entry unto themselves. What I am talking about is the people who make the decisions and the ones who spout for no other reason that to hear themselves talk. You know.... The leaders who don't lead. The leaders who don't know how to lead.

The way my wife was talked to by her administrator yesterday was like she didn't even know who my wife was and who she is as a teacher. Seriously, some of the things she brought up was like it was the first time she ever saw my wife instead of having her in the building for three years.  Three years! The things she said about my wife! Yelling at her kids? Being unprofessional with emails? Purposely harping on her assistant? No rapport with her students?  Not following the procedures of the school? 

I don't know who the hell she was talking about because it is not MY wife!

Seriously, my wife knows her kids as well and as in the depth as her own kids. She loves on them and knows who they are and what motivates them and how to encourage them and what their struggles are and how to help them to succeed. She can calm and make a connection with the most difficult kid that NO ONE can make a connection to! I have seen it. It is crazy extraordinary. No rapport? What a frickin farse! My wife can build a relationship with any kid! This woman has never set foot in my wife's classroom for a second if that is what she believes.

Being unprofessional? Harrumph! Yeah. Right! Reminding people that they are going to break the law and when reports have to be done and when meetings need to be scheduled and when papers need to be signed is being unprofessional? Expecting a person to respond to an email within a day or two and not months later (if ever) is being unprofessional? Seriously, quit being all butt hurt and say thank you and then turn your ass around and do your job. She just saved your backside from breaking the law or looking like you are incompetent.... say thank you and get to it. 

And for the staff member that is saying some of this stuff to them so that they can just feel good and justified in their views of her. How dare you! How much have you seen her with her kids? How much do you talk to her and get to know her and her abilities? How threatened of her do you have to be to say untrue and spiteful things? You could learn a thing or two from her and she will be a coach to you with ideas and creativity that will make you a better teacher but you chose to scorn her and attack her behind her back. You choose to hide behind anonymity. You damn coward/s! Have her stand right beside you when you tell the bosses this stuff and let's see how that goes!

And how is she supposed to know what all the policies and procedures are when they are not in a manual or communicated up front?  Better yet, why are you bringing up stuff that she did years ago when you corrected her and she has not once done that again? Doesn't that show professionalism that she owned up to her miss step and has corrected it?

And the gall this woman had to tell my wife that she was not the person she thought she was........ 

You get what you get with my wife. She is not going to put on a show. She is not going to mince words. She is going to know more than the average teacher and will share her experience and straight-up intelligence. You sat in an interview for two hours....... TWO HOURS ...... Three years ago and LOVED what you saw and heard. That was only a drop in the bucket to the lottery of an employee you landed and now you are just going stand there and throw all that away for what? Who the hell knows what it is that has got all up in your crawl..... 

Like....... What the hell!

God, I could go on. But I am helpless. I could send an email. I could make phone calls. I could write a review. I could stir the pot. But to what end? Nothing will change. They will not own up to their mistakes or unprofessionalism. The status quo will hold firm. They will turn it all around against her and gaslight her out. And that is just what she is going to do. She is going to tuck tail and go. 

But The fires are smoldering in me. I hate it. I hate to see how it affects her. I hate to see how it chips away at her confidence. I hate how she bites back and stands her ground but still gets beaten back. Knocked down. Stood over with their power over her. 

...... I hate how I see it breaks the front she puts up to defend herself. 

And I hate this anger inside of me. It is eating away at me and I try to let it go. It is so hard though. Just when I set it aside and forget, it falls back into my lap. I don't like the way it feels and it is completely against my inner nature that it is like graffiti that takes away from my true image of myself. I feel ashamed of it but I can't let this go. It is too real and too raw and there are times I fight to keep the tears that are just behind the surface from breaking through. I struggle not to break things when I am in my shop. It makes me feel unclean and dirty. I feel like I am a different person.

But what I can do is I will be there. I will encourage her and fill her cup with what is true about what an amazing teacher she is. I will do the only thing I can do. I will be the husband I promised to be for her and I will be that teacher colleague that will support her when she doesn't feel like she is making a difference. 

Because she is. The kids can feel it too. And their parents know too. They know even when the leaders choose not to see.. And that is where it is all at. That is what is important. You know?