Dad

 I want to write about my dad but how do you put into words a million of reasons and feelings that have no words? 

I have to try. I have to write something. . . when I started this journal, I never thought how raw the words would pour out and scar the page. But now..... Now I need it to see in black and white what my mouth and voice could never put a sound on.

How do I even begin? I mean...... Where do I start? 

Ok, lets just put on the table what my pain really is..... Dad is elderly. And he is feeble. And it is breaking me. 

God! Can anyone understand? I don't even know how to put into words how it is shattering my mind and spirit. 

I visited dad last week up in Michigan. I am from Tennessee now and it is quite a trip to get to him and there are times I don't physically see or hug him for over a year. The last two visits though have been in six months because before last Christmas, my dad had a stroke. Not a major make him paralyzed or disabled one but a big enough one to change him. . . to change him from the man I know and grew up with. After looking at the MRI that stroke was not the only one.... He has had others too. And it is eating away at me each time I talk to him. 

My dad was the type of dad that lead his house. And my dad's house was not a building, it was his marraige and his children and his family and his friends and his grit and his whole way of life. His house was not things, it was people and his deep down core values that he pulled from to lived by. 

Do you see? Can you understand why I am breaking?

My dad is the type of man that couldn't give a care in the world about a broken toy but would get in a rage if his boys were fighting with each other. My dad was the type of man  that would fight an insurance company tooth and nail over a bill but wouldn't blink an eye to buy his friend a set of tires they needed for the upcoming winter. My dad would take a belt to my behind for lying or stealing but would drive three hours up to my college in order to surprise me with my dog after I called him defeated in tears and rage about failing the third test in a row in quantitative analysis.

My dad was the type of man that didn't keep score or thought anyone of his friends owed him for anything. My dad was the type of man that always made the right choice in all his decisions. My dad was the type of that drew good men around him that would literally do anything to help him.... No strings attached. My dad was the type of man that was intelligent and wise but was humble enough to know there were others that he could learn from. My dad was the type man that could be hard as steel but also was kind and accepting of anyone at face value. 

My dad was the type of man that would answer the phone to his broken down crying son whether it was one in the afternoon or one in the morning and give him calm and reassuring comfort and wisdom when his son didn't know what else to do. 

That is the type of man my dad is.... Was.....

Can you see know? Can you understand why I am breaking? 

My dad was the type of husband that was so loyal that no woman ever tested him but in which all women envied his wife. He was the type of husband that showed his love to her without shame and made sure his children knew that she was a priority in his life. He would be a partner in caring for the house and the kids. . . especially his boys. . .me. He would be flirty and playful. He would be giddy when he would surprise her with gifts or flowers. He would care for her tenderly when she was sick or had surgery. And, he would brag to others about her. I saw it all and I took careful note of it. 

Dad spent time with us and talked with us and expressed his views and feelings with us. He knew that we all were different and set different boundaries for us as he saw what we needed. He trusted mom's advice for us and would take her lead when he was unsure. But mostly, being a dad was just part of his being. It was like he was born to be a dad and was so confident in all he did with us and for us. 

That was the type of man my dad is. . . was

I visited him again so soon after I visited him six months before and he is not the same man I knew. He seems less confident. He seems frail and unsure of himself. He slurs his words and he loses his train of thought. He doesn't laugh as easily and he is more quiet than he ever was. He rambles his thoughts as he is thinking them and they seem so random and disorganized. It's like he is another person. 

He seems so different from the man I knew growing up. 

And he doesn't whistle anymore. 

And that thought alone catches in my throat and pulls tears unbidden out of my eyes. 

How can he not feel like whistling?

God! I am feeling the loss of never hearing his whistle again!

Then I think about what type of man I have become. And I know without a shadow of a doubt that he is tickled and proud of who I am and what I have done with my life. But in my mind, I think that I will never be the man he is.... Was. This feeling I have... This unworthiness plagues my journals. And I look up to my dad and can only hope to grind my teeth and dig in my heels and pull up the grit I need to hit this life full in the face just like he did. I want to be the husband he was and the father he was when I was growing up. I want to be the man he was, the man I knew, the man I experienced. But I just don't feel like I am there. I just don't feel like I am getting it done like he did.  

Did he worry and think like that? My head and reason say yes but my eyes and gut can't believe it. I don't want to know. I don't want it to be true. I want to remember him as I do right now. I want to remember the leader I have in my memory. I want him to stay that man in my child's mind that never saw weakness in him. 

I could only hope to feel like I am the man I know my dad to be. 

So today is a hard day. I am trying to let go. I am trying to let go and admit to myself that my dad is not that man anymore and to admit that he is elderly. I have to admit that he has had several strokes and will not be the man I knew growing up. 

And I don't want to. I don't want to face that truth. I'm not ready. I will never be ready.

So, I am struggling. I don't want to admit it.  Because of the type of man my dad was. 

Homeland - R.A. Salvatore

 

I read this book when I was in my early teens and I was in middle school at the time. It was not a good time for me in school because I was a socially awkward, large for my age, uncoordinated, not cool , not in the “in crowd” kid. Yeah, I was one of those. If you were not in that group when you were in school, then just let me tell you a little secret. . . It was like having my own little piece of hell. Things did get better as I got closer and closer to graduating though.

        I had some pretty good things going for me. My home life was fine with great parents that were supportive and involved. They had a very strong marriage, and they were all in when it came to their kids. So, my home life was really great. It was just those hours I was at school that were difficult. And my mom with her superpowers of just knowing that I was struggling but not wanting to put it all out on the table, pushed me into reading which was a great way to just take mental breaks from the chaos of school.

        And that is where this book comes in. It resonated with me and really encouraged how I was already feeling about myself. First of all, the whole fantasy elf magic multiple gods thing was just the carrier of the content that resonated with me on a very personal level.

        First of all, just like Drizzt, I understood what it was like to be an individual with a different set of core values living in a society that was so contradictive to what I was holding dear in my heart. I understood the “man against the machine” stresses of holding true to who I was. I knew first hand how they attack you and scorn you for not being like them. . . . not following their stupid social rules. I truly could sympathize how my inner feelings and core spirit would never change to the dogma and wrong that was a socialized norm for them. I saw how others would bend and fall into being one of them and for me, I just would not fall. I would not trade who I was to have an easier life in school. I knew deep down that I would never be one of them. I could never be like them.

        I truly resonated with the thoughts and actions of Drizzt and how he looked at things like family and love and courage and strength and power. And those concepts were not the same as those around me. I had my family and my life outside of school and great mentors that were guiding me in lots of different directions counter to the culture and whims of the school. What I saw and felt and experienced outside of school were so contradictive to what I saw happening in school. . . All of the blind following and false grabs at attention and status. It was pretty sad to see from an outside perspective.

        I looked at how Drizzt soul searched and really dug deep into who he was as a person and what he had to offer to himself and to the world as a whole. He questioned himself and his motives all the time. He questioned a world view of status and evil his people had with skepticism and judged if it was right or wrong based on his own feelings of right and wrong. He learned how to trust and not trust. He also held true to himself and focused on what it was about himself that made him worthwhile in the grand scheme of the world and his place in the universe. As I read the pages of his thoughts and actions, I would gravitate to wanting to do the same thing and started to look at those around me with a different set of eyes.

        I also believed that there was another side in which I could escape if I just had the patience and the sight to know when it was time to take a step out of the line and into a different lane. I always thought, “I will make my own fork in the road of my life and then make a right turn.” And you know what? It did happen. It was inevitable. People have choices even when it feels like they don’t. It all has to do with having the courage and the grit to see the choices you have and then to take that one step forward.

        Now that I look back, it was not so important that I fit in and went with the flow. It was more important to always become the adult I was meant to be. I had to dig deep and really explore and develop and spend time on who I was and who I would be. I am a much better adult now because I chose to work on that awkward targeted teen back then. All those things that held me back and singled me out as a teen in school were actually productive and needed as an adult. Who would have thunk it?

 

I don't know what to call this post but it is about marriage

 You know, my marriage is strong. Like unbreakable strong. 

And I know that there is an overall mindset that no marriage is unbreakable. Most people believe at least one of a married couple will cheat if they have the chance or one will leave because of this reason or that. Someone will inevitably fall out of love or ant to find their own happiness or ..... Or..... Most people just believe that it is pretty much inevitable if there is a chance or opportunity to cheat that it will happen. Look on Facebook or Tic Tok or snap chat or Instagram.... failing relationships and divorces abound all over. There are pages and pages of these people making videos about what a "Good Man" is or how to recognize a keeper or how to keep your relationship together or how to recognize if someone is going to leave..... ect. . . Ect. . . And why is that? Well, I am not sure but maybe these short social media videos and pleas for change are important. 

When my wife decided to marry me, she decided to build her life around me and I decided to build my life around her. 

It was a choice.

A choice that turned into a lifetime of wanting it not to be a choice . . .but wanting it to be a non-negotiable. 

I have written of it before that finding your love of a lifetime should be the most deliberate endeavor you should ever take. It starts with knowing yourself and loving yourself deep down (Loving yourself first blog) to knowing what will make you happy to understanding that life will beat you down (we have a hard life not a hard marriage blog) to actually knowing how to make sure you have found the one (My advice on love post and Why I married her blog) to understanding your role in your marriage (marriage roles - an unpopular view blog) and the list goes on. A lot of my blog is about my marriage. 

I think what it really boils down to is that my wife and I, once we really took the time . . . and I mean really took the time . . . to get to know each other and truly bond with each other, made a decisive and purposeful choice to build our lives and our happiness around each other and with each other.

No matter what. No matter who pushes from the outside. No matter what life threw at us. We have grown to understand that at the end of the day, we had each other and we would cast all that outside crap aside and keep the focus of what we wanted on us and our goals and our connection. 

And this is vital to the success of a marriage. 

My wife and I have had extreme trials to our marriage. Trials that can . . . and have . . . broken lots of other marriages. I lost my job, and she couldnt find one. We made a hard choice to leave the state we lived in and our family when we didn't want to. We had trails of infertility and then the difficult (almost fatal) births of our children which has affected our intimacy life permanently. We had to go through bankruptcy and money issues. Hell! She now makes more than me which is one of the common reasons women leave their marriages. Health issues have been a bane. You could say they were tests to our marriage. . . our commitment to each other. You could say that they were the thermometer of the strength of our relationship. No question though, many of these issues have and will break a marriage, but we are still going strong. And why is that?

It is because what she and I were building together was more to us than what was happening to us. We were (have been) putting so much into what we wanted of each other out of life that we were unwilling to give it up on those things. I call these times seasons. These hard times in our lives come and go. Some are temporary and some are permanent, but they all are on the outside and they try to get in and push you apart. Christians would call is the Devil trying to destroy. 

The security of not being alone when taking on the world is the payoff here. That's it. That is what keeps us strong. You know? I mean, yes, we took the time to make sure our lives and our vision and our goals of what our lives will look like coincided. But once that was established, it is how you, as a couple, hit life with your vision in your minds. It is the idea that you are taking on the world together..... Not alone. Do you hold onto it making steps toward it with all you do or do you jump ship when it gets hard? 

Obviously, a lot of couples jump ship. 

I just find comfort and strength knowing that she is there.... That she will be there . . . that she will fight for me . . beside me. .  when we are in hard seasons. Because there will be hard seasons. It is inevitable. It will happen. And you can either trudge through it alone or take it on with someone backing you. I rather take it on with someone I love with all my heart and trust to be right beside me. 

It comes down to having that vision together and building it all together. How much you each make even if one makes considerably more or less doesn't matter because you are building it together. People trying to pit you against each other will fail because you are building it together. Life hits you in the gut with hard times and it doesn't matter because you are building together. What people say or do or try to break us will fail because we are building it together. 

You get it? Take the time on the front end to find the person that will go through hell itself to take on the world because the vision you both are heading for and the bond you create that holds you together is worth more than anything that tries to pull you guys apart. 

I truly believe the Bible is right in this matter. It doesn't even matter if you believe in God or Jesus. It's this idea of "one flesh" in the Bible that is right. When you marry a person, you become "one flesh" meaning that the two of you basically become one person with the same goals loyal to your life together and always looking to make each other happy as you would make yourself happy. Everything you do is to move yourselves forward with the strength you both have that will enhance and not take away from your union. You embrace each other and be intimate with each other and you connect with each other because you technically are literally representing being one person, neither one being separate from the other. Because nothing is more important than what you are building and your connection to drive the want to build. When you talk of your marriage, it becomes talking about the two of you as being one person.... us. And that is the foundation of it all, don't you think?

And that is why we are so committed, where the strength in or marriage comes from, and eternal love comes from. And that is what is missing in current times.

Mind games - I am still not ok.

 God I'm in such a mess that I don't know what to do . . .  it's again and again and again and again . . . the the shouting and the yelling and the . . .  the threats and the . . . the threats of killing themselves and it's too much for me. I  . . . I'm shaking again tremors. I don't know if I can . . . I don't know if my mind is stable enough to even deal with this anymore because it goes away for a while and then it comes back.  Like . . .  like I'm always . . .  I'm always scared. I'm scared of it coming back and then it does and then I know it will start all over again and I don't know what to do. I have a son that literally abuses me emotionally and mentally and I lay boundaries down and he doesn't like them, so he falls into this "I'm autistic and I . . .  I might as well kill myself and I don't want to be alive" and I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do and I don't trust him now. I mean I . . .  think maybe I feel . . . and I'm scared that maybe he'll hurt his mom . . .my wife . . . oh God! If anything happened to her and he did it and I wasn't able to stop it and I wasn't able to fix it and he hurt her or  . . . or worse  - I'd never forgive myself! And what am I going to do? Stay up 24 hours a day and run myself into the ground? Hell, I'd be killing myself! Who knows? I might be killing myself right now with all the worry and high blood pressure. I could stroke out or something. 

I had to get out of the house. I'm just walking now. I don't know what else to do. I can't be there . . . he's there. He's there ready to keep this fight going . . . ready to . . . ready to torture me with some other mind game.But I don't know if it's a mind game or if he is serious. I mean if you are serious when will you do it already but if he's not serious then then how do I tell? How do I get out from under this? I feel trapped in my own home with . . . with the kid that just will not grow up . . . will not be independent. A kid that expects me to be his soul provider like a slave. . . almost like a he wants me to be the dad of a baby giving him everything he needs so that he doesn't have to do anything. And he's 21 effing years old! And here I am walking out on the street because I can't face him, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to solve it and I've tried to get people to help me. I just need someone to take him away  . . . someone to just take him and turn him into a man because we can't do it. And he doesn't want to and he just wants to kill himself. That's what he says but he doesn't do it so I don't know if he's serious or if he's just playing mind games with me. And if he did . . . what would I do? What does that say about me as a father? What will that do to my . . . to my mind? What will it do to my marriage? What will it do to the rest of my life if . . . if he actually went through with it? Then all . . . all those problems will just go away but then what . . . what will it do to my mental health? That I have a son that had killed himself? Either scenario is horrible. To even think about . . .  just for him to be alive and still abusing me and making my life hell or for him to kill himself and then I'm a childless parent who wasn't able to keep his child alive. So I'm stuck and I think . . . I don't know . . . I don't know how I'm not in the hospital myself yet because I don't know how much strength I've got left. I don't know why I haven't had a mental breakdown yet. I don't know why I'm not depressed. Maybe I am depressed, and I just don't know it. Maybe I'm just . . . you know . . . functionally depressed, but if I go to the hospital nothing will. . .  nothing will change. They'll just release me, and they'll send me back. And he'll still be doing the same thing. I won't escape. I will still be in the same turmoil. I'm living in a jail of whether. . . whether I live one hell of . . . of him and his manipulation and his mind games, and the other hell of him killing himself and me living with the fact that I wasn't able to stop it. What then? What? How. . . how am I supposed to go on if that happens? How am I supposed to go on when it doesn't happen? So, here I am walking and walking and walking until I probably will collapse. I'm walking because I can't go back. Not right now. Not with the way he is right now and if everything's okay when I get back home, how long will it be before the next time? How long will it be before he . . . he throws his games on me more because I don't know how much longer I can do it. I don't know how much more I can shake it off. I don't know how much longer I can keep it together.

I'll give respect when I get respect.

 I will give respect when I get respect.

How many of you have heard this nonsense? Seriously, if the person you are interacting with has the same philosophy, think about that. These two will never ever be cordial to each other no matter how much they could enrich each other's lives just by being individuals with their own personalities. This whole way of thinking seems to be a bit of a paradox. 

I have been thinking about this for a while because I read a passage in a book that got me to thinking about the motivations behind why I would or would not give respect to a person. Honestly, I still hold to a very deep belief that the way you treat others is a reflection of the type of person you are rather than bringing to light the type of person you are interacting with. Calling out another person for faults or wrongdoing or being judgmental shows more about you than it ever does for those people. 

And it is not just calling them out, it is the way it is done that is most telling. Publicly shaming them or trying to ruin their reputation with malicious gossip and intent (no matter how true it is) is not a very good character trait to have. Rather, instead of broadcasting, you can be indifferent or aloof. If asked directly, you can just say a quick statement of why you are not supportive of them or why you will not associate with them and just leave it at that. 

But why not give a person respect until you get respect first? Is this person not a human being? Have they not a spirit and a personality and thoughts and feelings? Does that in itself not warrant the dignity of being treated as a being with a sentient mind? 

I understand that first impressions and the way a person presents themselves can be off-putting. It is true that people can be mean and confrontational and rude when they first talk to you. Think about the way you respond though. If you respond in kind, is that not a reflection of where you are maturity wise? Or is it more respectable for you to show compassion and empathy and acceptance. I personally don't have it in me to be mean or rude or unkind with a first interaction no matter how I have been approached or treated first. Honestly, the way a person treats me with no knowledge of who I am most likely has nothing to do with me personally. Maybe I triggered a memory of how they were treated by another person. Maybe they just finished a particularly bad commute. Maybe they had a fight with their spouse earlier. Maybe they are having problems with their job. Maybe they are angry deep inside because they have a sick loved one that they feel helpless about. Hell, maybe they are just defensive because they have never been treated like a human being before! Whatever it is, the way they treat you has nothing to do with you. And if you keep that in mind, the way you respond is critical to how the rest of the interaction will go. 

And seriously. It is really simple. If you have lost all respect for a person, why is it necessary to waste your time and energy running them through the ringer? Just step back. Give space and distance. Cut off ties. If you work with them, keep all interactions strictly business and then go your separate ways. But, alas, people can't let go that easily. 

It has to do with pride and arrogance. Seriously. People that demand respect in order to get respect are those who feel as if they deserve it (arrogance) or they feel like they have been judged unworthy of receiving it (hurt pride). These are signs of self-worth are they not? Demanding respect from someone that is unwilling to give it is like demanding an apology. It means nothing because the person in not genuine. So why demand it in the first place? Just move on to those who know your worth and leave those others behind. 

So, be kind . . . don't respond in kind. Show respect to another person just for the reason that they are a human being with feelings. Show respect to them no matter how they are treating you because you are reflecting who you are and not who they are. Have the confidence and the character to show respect even if it is not given to you. 

Excerpt from The Halfling's Jem by R.A. Salvatore Copywrite 1990 by TSR:

What keeps Captain Deudermont safe is his ability to show respect for anyone he meets. He is a man of charm, who holds well his personal pride. He grants respect at the outset of a meeting and continues that respect until the person forfeits it. This is very different from the way most people view the world. Most people insist that respect has to be earned, and with many, I have come to observe, earning it is no easy task! Many, and I include my friends in this group, demand that anyone desiring their friendship first earn their respect, and I can understand their point of view, and once believed that I held one similar. On my journey south on the Sea Sprite, Captain Deudermont taught me better, made me realize, without ever uttering a word on the subject, that demanding of another that he earns your respect is, in and of itself, an act of arrogance, a way of self-elevation, implying by its very nature that your respect is worth earning. Deudermont takes the opposite approach, one of acceptance and one lacking initial judgment. This may seem a subtle alternative, but it most certainly is not. Would that the man be anointed a king, I say, for he has learned the secret of peace. When Captain Deudermont, dressed in his finery, enters a tavern of common peasant thugs, most within the place, and society at large, would view him as superior. And yet, in his interactions with these people, there is no air of superiority about the man at all. In his eyes and in his heart, he is among peers, among other intelligent creatures whose paths have led them to a different—and not better or worse—place than his own. And when Deudermont grants respect to men who would think nothing of cutting his heart out, he disarms them, he takes away whatever reason they might have found to fight with him. There is much more to it than that. Captain Deudermont is able to do this because he can honestly attempt to see the world through the eyes of another. He is a man of empathy, a man who revels in the differences of people rather than fearing those differences. How rich is his life! How full of wonder and how wide of experience! Captain Deudermont taught these things to me, by example. Respect is one of the most basic needs of reasoning creatures, particularly among men. An insult is just that because it is an assault upon respect, upon esteem, and upon that most dangerous of qualities: pride. So when I meet people now, they do not have to earn my respect. I grant it, willingly and happily, expecting that in doing so I will come to learn even more about this beautiful world around me, that my experiences will widen. Certainly some people will see this as weakness or cowardice, will misconstrue my intentions as sublimation, rather than an acceptance of equal worth.

When I am asked if I am ok.

 I am asked if I am ok and my first go to response is yes. But, that is not true. It is just a conditioned response to what society has thrust upon us as men. We say we are ok even when our insides are boiling with emotion and our minds are afire with raging thoughts and anxiety. If we express our feelings or show any sign that we are struggling mentally, we are weak or not a man for some reason. 

In a lot of ways, I am ok. I have a stable job that I enjoy and a loving wife who is the absolute perfect match to me that a man could have ever imagined. I have a house and anything I could need or want out of my life. My health is relatively good, and I am moving and able bodied. 

But I am also not ok in a lot of respects. Life just has seemed to be kicking me down a bit in the last few years. It started with my son suffering with mental illness. Lots of issues have improved over the last two years but mental illness is an unpredictable beast that lies in the shadows. Waiting. Watching. It waits for an opportunity of weakness or a period of stress so that it can jump out and wreak havoc on his life and the lives of those around him. Our lives. And I am always on edge about it coming back at any time for any reason both small and big. It's like walking through the forest at night.... you know there are things out there that can hurt you, waiting and biding time. But you keep going because that's all you can think to do. All the while in the back of your mind and in the pit of your gut, you are on edge knowing at any time. . . any moment. . . something can pounce on you. Even though we have gone quite a while without a major episode and months before that for the episode before. . .  the issue is still there, and it will never . . . ever. . . go away. 

On top of that, there is still a lot of hard times and issues ahead that needs to be worked through for him and I am not looking forward to them. They will come anyway. They are inevitable. And I am dreading the struggle that is yet to come. But that is in the future. 

I am also fighting against the wrong that has been done to my wife. She recently has been let go of her job. Well, technically she has not been asked to come back . . . it called nonrenewed. Even though this has nothing to do with her or her ability or her dedication to her job, it still hits her hard in her confidence and self-esteem. I am positive that the reason they don't want her to come back has absolutely nothing to do with her. Nothing. They have some other agenda, and she is just the one they picked to remove in order to move that agenda forward. But she is suffering mentally and emotionally for it. 

She feels like a failure, and she feels like it is something she did. She feels unwanted and cast aside. She has vocalized this many times and she is struggling with leaving the kids that she has poured so much of herself into the last few years working at this school. She feels like she is abandoning them, and they will not have anyone that they can trust to go to when they are having bad days. These kids seek her out during the day, and they flock to her for the reassurance and the steady guidance that she gives them. She hates that she will not be there to provide that for them anymore. 

And it breaks me to hear her so defeated. I hate to hear how she talks down to herself and lets these thoughts of not being worthy or being a failure take her mind over. I am so angry about this. I am mad beyond anything I have felt before. It is a terrible feeling, and I don't like it, but I can't shed it either. The rage I felt when she told me had me seeing red and my entire body tightened and spasmed with the desire to break something. . . to tear apart whatever I could get my hands on. I ended up out in the football field of the school I work at and I didn't even remember going out there or that I was circling the field clenching and unclenching my hands while stomping the ground as if I could beat the earth into submission. I was angry and enraged beyond thinking and I was also scared because I was out of control with the rage. It scared me. I was on a rollercoaster of raging up and scaring myself down. Feeling like that was terrible for me and I didn't like it at all. I tried to shed it but then my wife's voice and the tremor in her words would come back in my memory and then I ran the rollercoaster for another round. 

Even though I am doing better, this anger is still in the back of my mind. It still is hanging out in the back of my head. Lurking. Today, as of this writing, she is at the school for her last day to pack up the last of her stuff and will leave the parking lot for the last time not to come back to her kids. . . and here we go . . . just writing about it is working me up . . . She will shed a lot of tears and she will be feeling unwanted. And it breaks me to know that. 

Then there is this pain in my face and the scalp of my head that I have been dealing with for months  . . . and I mean months. . . every day for months. It starts in the eyebrow and migrates into the eye and then across the top of my head all the way back to the base of my head. I have had an MRI and a CAT scan and I have seen the ENT, my general practitioner, a neurologist, and an optometrist. And they can't figure it out. It is every day.... a throbbing pain in the eye area like I had been hit hard. I can make it better by taking Motrin but I have been taking that every day for over 5 months and I am sure that the Mortin will eventually cause problems. But the pain.... I try to ignore it but it just does not go away... day after day after day after day . . . How can I face these other issues. . . lead my family with this plaguing me every day?

So, yeah. If you ask me if I am ok . . . I will probably say yes. I am Ok. Because that is what I am supposed to say. That is what society demands of men. But I am not ok. I am dealing with a lot and the above is only the most pressing issues I have. And here I am feeling a little ashamed and that I am being judged for these things. . . that people will tell me how trivial these things are compared to other people. They will say, "You think you have it bad. . ." In my world though, these issues are making life difficult and hard to manage. I am struggling with not being able to guide my family and my wife through these things faster and with less heart ache and pain. I am just not getting them there like I want it to be. That's my job. I am the rock, and I am supposed to lead my family through this stuff with strength and purpose. I am not only working them through their mental and emotional paths, but I am also running myself and trying to regulate myself through it too. Right now, I am trying to shed my anger. It is really the one emotion that has a grip on me and keeping me from thinking clearly. It is better though, and I am getting by it. It's a struggle for sure but it is coming along. 

If you are worried, don't be. Really. All this stuff will be ok in time. It is just that it is not ok right now and it is hard at this time. I will ask for prayers because these issues are ours to battle, and I have sought help and I am seeking help from all kinds of sources. It will be ok because I have faith and I have my wife who stands beside me as I stand beside her. As long as we have each other, this will all come out ok . . . eventually. We just have to be strong and tenacious. We have to dig in our heals and hit it with grit and determination. Then we will lay in bed at night in each other's arms to recharge our spirits in the comfort of having each other. Then we can get up and take on the world again the next day. 

For what else can we do?

Give up? 

I don't think so. 

I have lost control

I hate you

 

I am still NOT Ok.

 

A student asked me a questions about my wife.

Today I said one of my passing things I say about my wife and how I treat her. 

A student raised his hand and asked me to tell them more about my wife. And I said, "you guys don't want to hear me describe my wife and talk about her....."

Of course, if you don't know kids, they are all about listening to anything we have to say about anything that has to do with our lives. So, I took this opportunity to give these kids a little life lesson. And here is what I said:

"My wife is one of the smartest people I can think of. She has a bachelor's degree and three master's degrees. I am telling ya, she is a teacher's teacher and she knows more than just about anyone if it has to do with early education. She is very intuitive with her kids and will know them inside out within a week of being their teacher. I always say that I had to learn how to be a teacher but my wife. . . . . well she was born a great teacher and getting the certificate was just a formality.  

She is the best person to see any problems with any decision I am about to make. Even though I make all the decisions in our marriage, I never ever make any major decision without running it by her because she gives such great advice and is the world's best devil's advocate. I depend on her to help me see all that could go bad and to let me know what to look out for. 

She is super creative and comes up with ideas that I could only dream of. Now I am the guy she depends on to make her ideas come to life but she really is the inspiration behind what I can do. It feels pretty good because she praises and talks me up to her friends and that really gives me a lot of confidence. I don't really know if she realizes how important that is to me but she does it and it is important.

She is a fearless adventurer. I am introverted and probably would never leave my house if it was not for her. But she is my safe place and I feel secure and comfortable around her. She has taken me to places that I would have never gone by myself. She is classic for just taking off for the day to just go anywhere that we have never gone before. And every single time, I think of how much I would have missed out on if she was not taking me with her. We have seen the Phantom at the Pantages Theater in Canada, We have been to Niagra falls. I have gone to Vagas twice and flown to the Bahamas with her.  Just this year, we took a cruise to Alaska . . . .I would have never been able to do those things myself but she gives me the courage to do those things and experience life more. 

She calms my mind and helps me to relax. My mind rages with thoughts all the time since I am a bit ADHD ( I am in denial). Seriously though, just holding her hand or sitting next to her or having a long hug is enough to relax my entire body right down to my very thoughts. They just seem to relax and go away so that I can be in the moment and enjoy her touch and embrace. Sometimes it is the only moment of the day I can shed that anxiety and that is extremely important to my health. "

Then I smiled and said," Finally, she is the prettiest girl in the world. I could have started with that but it seems like it would not really mean as much if I didn't tell you all that other stuff first. To me she is not just pretty. . . . she is Beautiful.  

You see? Probably not because I don't think I have even scratched the surface of just how much I have married up when my wife decided that I was worth marrying. Man did I luck out on that one!"

Found on my phone.

I found this on my phone and I don't remember even putting it in there. I must have been ranting in the car one day and I had it on voice to text. This looks like these were issues that we were struggling with at the beginning of my son's mental health problems.

So here it is.....

 Our family is being torn apart so what can we do? Well.....We can't do this, whatever this is, anymore. It's putting to much stress on our family and is tearing us apart. It is so hard at home. He doesn't do anything to help our home. He can be verbally abusive and mean.

He blames us for a lot of our problems and pretty much all of his. He says that we are to blame for all his mental health problems and that we are not doing enough. He was pulled from school and chauffeured  to therapy app and scheduled for Autism testing and admitted to hospitals for evaluation. He lives at home with no responsibilities and when asked to do simple chores he fights like a bear to not do them and then accused us of trying to make him our slave.

Isn't it right for us to just want a kid to be able to take care of themselves? Isn't it reasonable for us to expect that having a child that is not mentally retarded or developmentally challenge to learn to care for himself in the society and to move out to be on his own? I am guessing it will be hell to do and he will hate us for it but I can live with never talking to him again if I know he can take care of himself.

Our mental health is suffering. It feels like we are starting to debate who's mental health is more important and who will just have to suffer. I feel like it is us that is expected to decline while he hides behind his as a justification to not do what he needs to. 

I am worried about my wife's mental health. She says that if we can't get him independent and out on his own that she will leave. If that happens, My mental health with suffer to the point where my physical health will decline and my life will be shortened. I WILL not be healthy without her 

Sometimes I feel like he wants to find someone that will agree with him so that he can use it to get his way at the expense of the rest of his family. We have another boy too. Do you know that? What about him? What about his life and his needs? It seems we are working with Austen's issues to the expense of Ben's. 

Right now he seems to only want to stay at home forever and not do anything but drain us of resources and mental/emotional energy without contributing anything. He says things like his mom is lazy and sits all the time and does nothing so why should he. He tells me that it is not right that I do everything and that it's not a healthy relationship if I do.  I know I am talking in exaggeration but he has told me that he doesn't want to work and doesn't want to go to school and doesn't want to leave home and that with his issues he may never will.

He says he is not being heard and that his side is not being told but that is not true. It's just we have a side too.

Because you want to know where I am at right now? I have a son that is saying his mom is toxic by being licensed, self centered, lazy, impatient, and verbally abusive on one side and he hates me because I am supporting her more than him.  Then my wife is saying we have a lazy, narcissistic, manipulative, son that just wants to mooch off us his entire life. And he hates it that I agree with her. I am in the middle trying to just keep my family from falling apart because I am scared to death of my wife leaving me because of the stress and my son not being independent or hurting himself, maybe even killing himself, because he thinks that is better than being an adult doing adult things. I am worried I am not giving my other son the time and effort that he needs to become an independent adult. And I am worried that we will suffer for the rest if our lives with this stress.