I was thinking back on the births of my boys the other day and thought I would write down the story of ours. I am just going to let you know.... Neither one were easy. This will be very long but needs to be in order to truly show what some people go through to realize their love of having a child of their own. To be real honest, there are couples that have even worse experiences. In that way, we are blessed.
Before my wife and I were married we had talked of being parents and we were pretty much on the same page that two kids would be perfect. For all of those who are reading this, how many kids you want is one of those topics that should be talked about before you get married. Seriously. It's important. We decided that we would start having kids after a year or so when we were pretty established as a couple and in our careers and such.That was the plan, anyway.
Well, the year went by and we then started trying. At first it was just stopping all birth control. You know, when a baby came along it was just God's will. But, it did not go well. You see, my wife as it turns out, could not have kids very easily. Of course we didn't realize it at the time but hindsight, you know. We waited for the inevitable but it never came. And then as time passed, we then tried more earnestly. Sounds like fun but when you are trying and failing..... It is not. Then we checked out my ability and then hers. We kept track of this thing called basal temperature. To add to all this, she was irregular. Very irregular. That does not make it easier. Needless to say it was hard on us and our relationship. It stressed us considerably during that time.
It was not like it was a deal breaker, although I bet a lot of couples split because of it, but it wears on a person. . . a couple. I know she worried about how I felt. She wondered what I would do because she may not be able to have kids and she knew that was something I wanted... something we both wanted. She worried about me leaving or cheating or falling out of love with her. And, she vocalized this a lot. She had nightmares about it. All absurd, of course, but the mind and heart sure can be hard on us, huh?
Well, I ended up telling her, if we were meant to have children then it would happen. I said everything was in working order and we just needed to hit the right day. I thought maybe it would ease her mind and relax her body into just letting it happen. But it's strange, you know? When something like this happens to a couple, intimacy changes. It is not as intimate anymore. The feelings of love and connection and intimacy changes. It becomes this fear that has a presence all its own. Its almost like there is a third menacing person in the room just staring at you while you try. And then they follow you to hover where ever you are. A tension in any room you both are in. Hovering. Silent tension. Each trying. You become keenly aware of how this will be just another time that disappointment will loom over a stupid stick test. Then I will kneel in front of her as she stares at the negative test and reassure her that she is not broken and that she is still important to me and that I am not going anywhere. I tell her that I still love her. I love her through what she has no control over. And then, we try again and relive the feelings again. And again. ……. and …….. Again.
As I look back, how strong does a love between two people have to be in order to endure that kind of emotional stress? I can still remember those raw intense feelings.... Her tone....the way she looked sitting on the toilet feeling broken, and inadequate, and feeling she is not worthy of me. She would call herself defective like she was a reject or something. She was so strong then and didn't even know. She would keep on trying. Through all those feelings and crushing disappointments, she kept on. That is a strength and grit I don't think I could have had at that age. I was wearing down. I was inwardly angry. I couldn't figure out how to make it happen. I knew all this biology and how the body works. I should have been able to just know the way to give her the baby she wanted.. . .to know why she was not conceiving and then to just make it happen. I should be able to help her feel whole and not broken. To this day I didn't know if it was harder on me or her. But does it really matter?
Then the day came when we found out. I don't remember what caused us to get and take the pregnancy test but we did. We saw the positive result and held our breath. She took the other one because I had a two pack and why not? Positive. I had those tests awhile and thought....I will make sure. I went to the store and got another set. Positive.
We were so elated! I remembered that she had already planned on going to bingo that day. While she was gone, I had been so excited and antsy ( I am still in denial of being ADHD) that I hand made a teddy bear for my new baby. We started to tell everyone that we were expecting and it was such big news. This would be the first baby for myself and my siblings even though they were all married longer than I. It would be the first grandchild of our families. This was a huge deal!
Nothing prepared us for what was to come, though. The next few months would bring lots of ups and downs for us. I should have known when we were struggling to get her pregnant. I should have been ready for what would be a hard time.
So time went by with a lot of just normal stuff. We made our appointments and started the whole pregnancy visits thing. She was on her vitamins and we were planning to bring this little one in to our home. At the time, we were living in a 860 square foot home. Yeah. Small small. I wouldn't have changed it for the world though. It was our home.
One of the choices we made that I didn't expect to be such a huge deal was the fact that we decided not to know if we were having a boy or girl. Holy cow! That was like the biggest family scandal of our day! Well, how do you know what color to buy for baby stuff and how do you know what types of toys to get and how can you refer to the baby until they are born? It was quite the stress but I was adamant. She got to carry the baby and all I had besides being an outside observer was to ask the doctor - is it a boy or girl?
It amazes me now days with these elaborate gender reveals. It is so overdone in my opinion. Why not leave the excitement for just the mom and dad on the day of the birth? Why not have that moment of excitement with just the two of you and whoever you decide is in the delivery room? Some may say it is selfish but.... who cares what others think? This is your baby and you should be selfish about this sort of thing. Again - It is your baby.
It was time for our first ultrasound. We were so excited to finally see our little one and how far they were coming along. But, as we were finding out, having kids would just not be normal for us.
Everything was going fine. We saw our little one and were crying and happy. We joked that the baby looked like a piece of chewed gum. And then the technician said something that I will never forget - "did anyone tell you about your uterus?" That tone she used. The tone spoke a book of meaning.
Um, no. My wife looked at her while I started to feel a lump block my thoughts and a knife started to dig its icy way into my gut. "No. What about my uterus?" she said. Panic was clear in her voice and her eyes were frantic. The ultrasound girl made a big mistake and she couldn't take it back now. She told us something that was the doctor's job and now she couldn't say anything else. Looking back, this was a very horrible lapse in procedure and judgment. The fear and wondering we endured until we found out was indescribable. All that effort and now, " didn't anyone tell you about your uterus? " It was a good thing we saw the doctor only a few days later because it was torture the whole time.
I didn't tell my wife at the time that I might have known what the ultrasound girl meant. I had not been out of college that long and I have a Bio major. Have you ever heard that sometimes people know too much in their field? That was me. So, we nervously waited to hear what the doctor was going to tell us...... It is a Bicornuate uterus. A normal uterus looks like a triangle that has really rounded corners with the flat side facing up towards the head and the opposite "point" attached to the vaginal canal. Well, my wife's uterus was shaped like a "Y" where the arms of the "Y' pointed towards the ovaries and the bottom of the leg is attached to the vaginal canal. In short, this was not a good thing. So, there it was, the reason she had a hard time conceiving.
But, as grace would have it, our baby was planted at the base of the arms and that was a good place to be. As they grew, the uterus would expand better than if he was in one of the arms. The problems though. The stretch will still not be as much. Ok, we are doing better. But, she was still designated high risk. There may not be enough room, there may still be a miscarriage, there will still be complications. For now though. She is fine and the baby looks to be implanted firmly and growing.
Oh, and another thing. Borderline gestational diabetes. Yeah, The hits just keep on coming. This was a minor problem though and not much came of it.
A few months went by with no problems. She was doing good. Not gaining a lot of weight but the growth of our baby was good and she was limited on her activities but not strict bed rest or anything like that. We were just living the life as soon to become parents.
Funny story - my wife was like, I don't know. . . . 6 months pregnant. We were all sitting in a restaurant having breakfast with my ma and dad who were visiting and the conversation turned to holding babies. Well, I said in passing that I had never held a baby before. You should have seen my wife's reaction on that! She turned to me and said, " you have never held a baby before?" and ma said no, that I was the baby. My wife started to look around the place saying we needed to find a baby and that I needed to have practice and that she couldn't believe I hadn't held one before. It was pretty funny now that I look back.
So the day came when we were one month from our due date. She had been going once a week to the doctors for ultrasounds and check ups on the baby. All was still on track despite the high risk. And that was when another hit came. Her water broke. A month early to the day of his due date.
She came out of the bedroom crying and sat on the floor rocking back and forth. "Some thing's wrong. Our baby. Something's wrong. Its too early. Its too early." She rocked and moaned and cried. I just kept quietly urging her to move, to get up and get to the hospital. Even though I was a mess inside, I knew I had to be as calm and deliberate as possible.
I have this saying that drives my wife crazy.... I'll worry when I have to. I didn't worry when we were struggling to get her pregnant. I didn't worry when we were told about the uterus defect. I didn't worry about the borderline diabetes. Well, being a month early had me worried. I was actually panicking inside but panicking would help nothing. The only place that could help was the hospital. Just when I was about to man handle her or call an ambulance, she started moving.
When we got to the hospital, honestly everything went as I would expect it to. The epidural fell out during pushing but otherwise it seemed normal from what I knew. Our baby was born... A boy! They put him in her arms and I cut the cord and they wiped him off and he cried and I followed him to where they did their thing. You know, normal.
But this story is not over yet. Of course there is more.
I came back to the delivery room about 15-20mins later expecting my wife to be somewhat cleaned up and trying to recover from this experience she just had. I expected that she would need me for comfort and support as her body tried to get everything back to some kind of before baby normal. God only knows what kind of hell that would be. I knew one thing though... I would do anything no matter how gross or embarrassing to get her back to feeling better.
Well when I came back into the room, everyone was still there and I knew something was not right. I remember the first thing I saw was a big circle of blood on the floor and remember thinking that was a lot more than just baby birth stuff. Then I looked to my wife with doctor in front of her and saw the doctor's hand go up in the air with a needle and thread. And then her hand dived down out of my sight to come up again and then make another dive.
I moved to see what the doctor was doing and it was .... Well I was not sure at first. It just looked like hamburger. I mean as gross of an image as it is .... It was just. Well. I stammered a ," what's wrong?" To the doctor and she replied, "just a little tearing, no big deal." But I saw the pool of blood on the floor and thought that this was a bigger deal than she was saying. The needle diving in and out like that.
Trying to remember those moments are hard for me. I was scared and stress was high. I am not really that good with stress. I talked to her about our boy and how he was healthy crying and looked so good. And in my side view I saw that needle coming into sight and then diving again. And again. In my mind I thought how bad was it and what is the doctor not saying?
Finally the doctor was done and they moved us to another room. The doctor told me that my wife would be very tired and would need to sleep. She said that It was the loss of blood from the tearing. It was not life threatening but enough to impact her until she had time to recuperate.
So, I let her sleep for a while and asked about our boy. As far as anyone could tell me, he was healthy and happy for being one month early. No problems. After an hour or a little more, they brought him back. And there I was. My boy in my arms and my wife sleeping. It was a hard first night. My wife was recovering and trying to care for our boy but she was tired and wore out. I stayed up most of the night with anxious uncertainty watching our boy and my wife. I was so worried about them both. Most of it is still just a blurry memory of exhaustion.
The aftermath of this ordeal was a challenge too. I am not sure if all women go through the same thing with their bodies trying to get back into pre pregnancy condition but it was a hard experience. As I found out, it was not normal (surprise! Not) because having a bicornuate uterus means that is more surface area and more to .....well this is not a place here to describe but it was not normal.
So here it is. Our trials of having our firs boy. The second would have his own set of trials for similar reasons but the outcome was was more severe.
