Saturday, September 10, 2016

The Fight Box

Have you heard of this?

 Gather a wooden box, a bottle of wine, and two glasses. Write love notes to each other explaining your feelings as you prepare to start your new life together as husband and wife. Seal your letters without letting the other read them.

During the marriage ceremony, put the letters, wine/glasses, in the box and then take turns sealing it shut with nails. Agree to keep the box sealed for 10, 15, 20 years or when you hit a “rough spot.”

I saw this on Facebook and there were pictures of the bride and groom doing this to go along with it. Of Course this had copious amounts of replies and comments of what a great idea it was and how it was romantic and on and on.

For me though, it rubbed me the wrong way to be honest with you. I think it just shows how today’s thinking and teachings about marriage are not where it needs to be. It is almost as if people are saying that either 1- you need to be reminded why you are married in the first place or 2- a “rough spot” is inevitable and it is likely your marriage will not survive it.

This is absolutely ludicrous to me. First of all, I don’t need reminding of the purpose I married my wife. Every day I wake up next to her I am reminded of how much I enjoy sharing my life with the person I chose to marry. I am comforted by the fact that no matter how I feel or think, I am loved unconditionally. Being married was one of the single most deliberate and purposeful endeavor I have made. I knew that I needed to be married and would find my love of my life. I don’t need some silly box for a “recharge” or reboot.

As for the “rough spots” in our marriage: There are no rough spots in marriage. Is it inevitable the every couple will question their marriage? I suppose this is the way a lot (majority?) of the public feel. I don’t know. This, however, is not true for me. I have never once ever had the slightest thought remotely centered on why I was married and if I even wanted to be married. To me it is stupid and unconscionable. Even the thought of being without her is like thinking of severing off a hand and living without it. You realize. .. this is after 16 years of marriage too.

To me, rough spots are more about life’s challenges. Being married is what gets you through those rough spots instead of questioning your marriage. It is the fear of the outcome that stresses the marriage. It is sad to think that a bad deal in life, which we all have, would make someone want to throw in the towel on their marriage instead of having their marriage actually carry them through it. Hell, that is one part of my marriage I depend on! Trust me; I have had stretches of my life where I probably would have been broken if it were not for my wife. It is hard to imagine but it is absolutely true.

Fighting too is what I don’t understand. Fighting is just an exercise in hurting your wife’s feelings. Really, what is fighting between two people who love each other? It is the venting of hurt feelings. In the process, feelings only get hurt more because our primal selves can be vindictive and vengeful. (wow, that was an intensely deep sentence, huh?) Talking it over and listening is more of a solution if you ask me. If it is something other than that, then maybe some reevaluation needs to be in order. I don’t think love notes in a box can fix it.

I understand the whole Fight Box thing, really, but on the other hand, there needs to be a better intent in getting married in the first place. In needs o be more purposeful and deliberate. Preparing for the “inevitable” is on the front end more so than some box that is waiting to be opened. I just don’t like the tone this puts on the wedding from the beginning.

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