I look back and think about all of the stuff I did and said and some of the choices I made that just make me think. . . man, was I green and over my head! I have grown so much since those first years. I struggled and held on and suffered through while others didn't make it. And when I look back at all those memories, some hit my mind and heart hard.
I have very strong memories of some of the kids that I've talked to. And if that happened to me today, I think about how differently I would react to it.
I remember a day where a kid was sitting in my class. I had just finished cleaning the desks with a bleach cleaner. They were actually having difficulty with the smell and I should have known they were having an allergic reaction. How did I not know? I had no idea about such things. The day I had a kid go into a grand mal seizure. I remember my mind locking up and I was paralyzed not knowing what to do. There was the day where a student told me that their mom and been diagnosed with cancer and I think I was the only one that they chose to tell. I remember sitting after class with them just that student and me alone as they revealed this thing that must have been consuming their every thought every second of the day. And I remember saying a bunch of things that I don't think really made a difference at all. I don't think I did a very good job comforting them or helping them through that horrible time in their lives. All that would go through my mind is how young they were for this to happen and that I knew the change in their lives and scars they would have would be with them forever. I remember a student tell me how they had a really bad experience with their relationship how they were cheated on. They were crying and I just didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to help them. And today I'm thinking, man, I could have said something so much better than what I did. I had a kid who told me about having a first experience with drugs, acid, and how they were in so much trouble with their parents. They were crying and had to talk about it and had to tell someone about their fears of being unloved and unwanted and being cast aside. I was that person and I tried to let them know how scared they must have made their parents and that all the punishments and restrictions were because they loved them soooooooo much that they had to keep them closer in order to protect them. I remember thinking how hollow that sounded and how I don't think I said it right or with the right words or the right meaning. The day I reported two kids that I suspected were cutting themselves and the look they gave me as they left school with a resource officer. I will never forget the look of pain and anger. I remember how I was left a letter of how mad a kid was with me that when they asked me if they would make a good nurse or radiologist or some other scientist, I deeply hurt their feelings by saying that they may struggle with science. In the letter I could feel the discouragement and how I felt like I was meaning well by letting them know that it will be hard work and that they felt I was saying that they couldn't do it. They were so scathing and mad that to this day I feel guilty about the possibility that I might be the sole reason if they chose not to pursue a career in the medical field. To this day I hope they pursued it with grit and passion despite me and my foolish choice of words.
The list can go one for pages and pages. There are 22 years worth of stories like that over thousands of kids that have walked through my classes.
All those memories.
All those kids that I remember trying to do the right thing for.
All those kids I tried to encourage or speak powerful words to.
All the times I felt that I just stumbled through not knowing what the hell I was doing.
I have been really being introspective a lot lately and it seems like I just don't know if I am doing these kids right. I don't feel like I say the right things or respond the right way. I feel like I am stumbling words and making it all worse. I see the pain in some of their eyes and I know some are seeking attention because they crave someone that will just prove to them that they are not invisible. But am I doing it in a way that is not enabling them? Am I setting a good example? Am I showing them what it is like to be tough loved or what real compassion looks like, or how someone can discipline you without it being personal or to be nice and not want anything in return, or to spend time with no strings attached or . . . or . . . .or . . . . I don't even know what I am saying really. Working with people...... kids........... is so impossible and difficult. Who is to say anything is right or wrong or helpful or destructive?
I have been feeling a bit beaten down lately with family and how my profession is being attacked. People are playing the blame game and teachers are being asked to do more than humanly possible or mathematically possible. They measure how good we are with a moving target and with measuring tools that change every year. There is money being siphoned off to private interests in vouchers and charters and private schools where the money to be made in these ventures is insane. But of course, they could just use less money and just upgrade a current school to do the same thing. But who would line their pockets then? Then there are the parents who ask so much of us when there is not much at home. And the responsibilities of trying to notice if they are being harmed or harming themselves or harming others and the paperwork that goes along with it and the consequences if we don't notice or if we might have noticed but didn't or....... or.... or..... You can understand why teachers are leaving in droves. And then there is the support staff that is even worse off than the actual teachers..... and how they are leaving the system in more than droves. It is a tidal wave exodus.
Then there is our private lives and the ones I love are struggling. It has been a hard year or more. We are teachers but we are people with families and relationships outside of school too. I am struggling with wondering if I am balancing it all and not short-timing either of my boys or my wife and I have not reached out to my good friends to keep those connections. My anxiety is up and I just struggle with whether or not I am making a difference to any of it. I sit at night exhausted and tired and wondering if I did enough or accomplished enough or said enough or spent enough time.
Isn't that the way of it though? I bet a lot who would read this would honestly say that they struggle with believing they are making any headway either. It is normal they would say and it is not life if we didn't have these stresses. I don't know about that but I know what it is like for me. I would like to believe that I am one of those who has more than the average grit than another but here I am questioning everything and wondering if it is enough. Even I have limits I guess.
Tomorrow will come whether I want it to or not and I will be facing it again with the same grit I have for so many days and years before. Doubts are part of the whole experience even for those who seem to always have it together. The best I can do is the best I can do. Insert Cleche cleche cleche. In the end though, what else can I really do but to just keep going? It seems like from the above that the world is coming to an end but all that is just a funk I am in. There are truly a lot of good and great things happening too. I am just in a mood where I am blind to them right now. It is ok. I will be fine. You will be fine. We all will fine.
Because tomorrow is coming whether I want it to or not and I will get up face it just like always.
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