I am going to step away from Facebook for a while. You may have seen or noticed that my posts are showing more and more frequent times of stress that are chipping away at me.
I have been pulling bucket after bucket from my emotional well and the well does not fill back up. I then kept scraping the bottom until, in desperation, I lowered myself in the bucket to get the last drop I could squeeze from the earthen floor. And when I pulled on the rope, it snapped to trap me in the bottom looking up at a small circle of light above.
I am trapped. The way out of this well looks so far and so impossible. My heart rebels and denies my mind for believing it's impossible, but the heart has had a toll taken on it.
My heart quickly gives up fighting it.
And I sit on the damp and drying floor offering my tears to replenish what I had taken. It is in vain though for I know against my denial that this well has run dry. So, I sit, not looking up, while I cry for what I know is true. My well is truly empty.
It's unbelievable that I feel this way. No way can I have fallen to this place, a place so unlike what you know of me.
I have though.
And you know what? I am going to stay here awhile because I WANT to stay. I want to be this way. I DESERVE to feel this way. I want to wallow in it and wear it like a warm winters coat. I have switched from putting out an altruistic personality to weeks of hiding behind a fake personality that puts on a show so that I can ignore what is really eating away at me.
I am worn out emotionally and the hits are still coming. .... Will still be thrown at me. And they will keep coming for who knows how long.
So, I am stepping back and withdrawing myself to just my home....... My family....... And my work. Because I want to and I need to and I owe no one any story or explanation other than this......
I will be back. I will be better and my old self again. It is in my personality and inevitable. I don't know how long but I will make this promise to those who care.. .... I will be back and back to myself.
If you comment, I won't see them. I won't get notified. I won't think about it.
Until then, take care of yourselves while I am taking care of me and mine.
You know, this moment was written before I could have ever imagined. I didn't realize it when we were sitting in the meeting for special education. I didn't realize it when we gave in to ADHD medicine. Then there was the day I was asked to step out at the family doctor's office to be told in another room that he was severely depressed but not suicidal.
But I knew deep down and I was in denial. Or I was managing. Or I was trying to just fix it.
Then there was the therapist and counseling. Which ended up with a psychiatrist and medicine for anxiety. And the failed attempt at his first job with incompetent managers.
The attempted suicide.
I sat on the floor tucked in the corner of the dark sparse hospital room with him ranting as if he was another person or a person with too many demons to hold inside anymore. The next morning they took him away in hand and ankle cuffs since he was a risk for injuring himself...... They chained him up . . . To see him like that...... To hold close in my mind, my heart, that I was the one who made that call......
The guilt......
To see him taken away in chains broke my insides in ways I never could have imagined.
And then college with COVID-19 was ok but another layer of stress..... Another layer of medicines. And then the school year after that and this is where I break.
The fights and yelling and resistance by him with him fighting his fears and anxiety and me coming at them from the flank. But his walls, they would not fall! How can I not make a difference? Why is it not working!? Why am I failing! God! This is hard!
Three days of the start of the second year of college, after three days of mental health episodes of hysteria and ranting and out of control raving mad yelling from fear and unknown things that only he can feel and see and experience in his head......
I finally realized... I was empty. And I didn't want to be me anymore and I didn't want to bear the burden anymore. And I was running dry on mental fortitude myself.
So what do you do when everything else has been done? You have to humble yourself even more and get even more help. . . . More intense and more intervention. It was time maybe for him to be taken to a facility...
But I don't know..... God, it is hard being a parent.
And this is a good place to end this one.
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