I have stated earlier that I will not forgive him for what he had done to me. I would like to think that I have a very forgiving heart and will let go of just about anything and everything. There was one season in my life though that weighed very heavy on my heart every time the subject came up in sermons or conversations or just in memory. My unforgiveness was for the one who went to such lengths to upset, displace, and attack my first teaching job and in doing so, changed my life forever.
After many many years and talking with church members and my pastor, I find that maybe I didn't understand what forgiveness really meant. When I said that I would not forgive him, I really was saying that there will never be a day that I would tell this man that it was ok for what he did to me. There would never be a day where if he approached me and asked if I would tell him that he was right and that I was alright with it that I would say sure. Because I will not.
But then that is not the point, now is it? They say that forgiveness is for you and not for them. That's the point. Right? It is for you and the peace of your heart. Forgiveness is not really about telling someone that it was alright to wrong you. Forgiveness is not saying that the wrong they did to you was fine and that you don't feel it was wrong anymore. It is more of how the thought and idea of the wrong impacts your life and what you feel should happen to the one who did you wrong.
You see, I really did have unforgiveness in my heart back when it all happened. I held on to it daily and it consumed my mind to the point that it was the only thing I thought day and night. I blamed him for all my ills and how I had to give up my house and my financial stability and security of being close to family and the shame I felt for not being able to provide for my family. I blamed him for it all.
What he did to me controlled my life.
It controlled my emotions.
It consumed my brain.
It held my heart.
And I wanted him to hurt as bad as I was hurting. I wanted him to suffer too. I wanted to get back at him.
That is what unforgiveness was.
Then the day that I can't remember and have no idea when it happened passed that I actually let go of all that anger and resentment and thoughts of harm to him. I really don't know when it happened. You see, I believe after much talk, that when you are not willing to forgive you still hold this feeling and belief inside that the person who did you so much wrong owes you something. You think that they would deserve to have ill befall them and you want them to pay for what they did. This is why forgiving is so important for you and not for them.
Wanting someone to suffer is not Christain. Wanting someone to suffer is letting the devil get in the way of us seeing how God works all for his good. And that is why forgiving is for us. You see, my wife and I are much better off now than if we would have stayed. I am not saying that it was easy and that all was roses. But overall, we really did end up in a better spot where I feel we are happier. We have made more of an impact and we have had more opportunities. I can point back to many times between then and now when stuff that has happened to us had to be a God thing.
So, if I didn't see this man again in my life, I will be just fine. If I saw him on the street and he tried to talk to me, I will be cordial and kind. I will not tell him I am okay with what he did to me but I don't wish him ill will or any type of suffering. I have let go of that part of my life and it has not had hold of me for a long time. I have forgiven that part of me and it has lost its hold over all aspects of my being and my life.
Forgiveness is not about telling someone that it was okay that they did you wrong. Forgiveness is about letting go of what they did so that it does not get in the way of you becoming more like Jesus. It is forgiveness by not letting it control your entire being to the point where you are blind with anger.
Forgiveness is for you by giving you the ability to free yourself for what God has planned for you.
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