Thier past is who they are.

 

Do not ignore their self-definition

 Throughout my relationship life, I have found that there are a few occurrences or ideals that seem to tear a relationship apart before it even begins. I am talking about those things that will make the relationship fail from the beginning only because of the position that the participants take. Some of these include religion, children, money, aspirations, and a whole host of others. The ones mentioned in the previous sentence I feel are the type in which are non – negotiables because you either want two kids or you don’t. You either want to be a Christian or you don’t. Trust me..... They need to be hashed out before thinking about marriage.

 The problem is that there are a few of these that have misinterpretations that seem like they are harmful to a relationship but is just a matter of how the partner interprets it. The one I really feel breaks a relationship more often than needs be is the talk of the Ex. I found this to be true with my wife when we first were dating. She felt as if talking or even mentioning his name would somehow distance me from her. At first, I let that go until I got to know her first. Then, once I truly knew her heart and intentions, I had to have a very serious talk with her about how I felt about talking of the ex thing.

 You see, people really are a make up of their life’s experiences. No one is truly ever going to stay the same because what happens to them in life molds a new aspect to their self definition. It can be a “Wow, I will cherish this moment for the rest of my life!” or it can also be “I will never do that again.” Relationships put new views of what a person wants out of their mate or can seriously damage their sense of trust in the opposite sex. Sometimes a failed relationship can put a stop to all future relationships.

 I had to let her know that I was alright with her talking about Him. She had spent over three years of her life with him and was very very serious. He actually told her that he wanted to marry her. Now, you know what this means to a girl. That is about the same as getting down on one knee and handing over the ring. Guys, make sure you take notes. Talking of marriage to a girl is not a toy to be played with.

 Anyway, when this amount of time and emotional investment has been made, she was pretty much devastated when she found out that he had been cheating on her and to add fuel to the fire, he was going to be a dad with that other woman. Yeah, I wish this scenario on none of my friends and family. She pretty much went into a physical and mental cocoon distancing herself from all social interaction. She went so far as to literally distance herself physically by going to college 200 miles from where He lived.

 That is when she met me. I seemed to be her savior and I really didn’t know until a few months into our relationship. I was picking up more on how she would verbally evade certain topics and that meant especially Him. She seemed like she wanted to be close, but she had a hard time being open out of fear of how I would respond. She was ashamed of some of her past choices when it came to her boyfriends. She had low expectations of herself and really felt that I was not going to stay with her if I knew. She didn’t want to give her opinion unless I said mine first. I then knew, she was hurt pretty bad before.

 So, that is when I had to clear the air to help us move on.

 It is insane for me to expect her to forget over two years of her life because it was that time that she spent everyday with Him. But others expect thier partner to do just that. It's crazy thinking to me. It is unfair for me to demand her to forget His name and never mention Him when a fond memory comes to mind. She was alive during those years. She had good times and bad times. She has memories of how happy she was and of how she was deceived. Those are the experiences that helped to make her who she is today. These are only a small part of what self defines her as a person. To ask or even demand her to forget or not talk of it is like saying that she did not live for two years. It is not right to have her ignore that part of her life because of insecure feelings that could threaten our life together. I was not going to be that petty. I was not going to be that guy.

 She did have a serious relationship with another person and that almost ended up a marriage. She does have very fond memories of her time with Him. She does talk about it sometimes. And it does not bother me because I am with her now and still with her years later. As time has gone by, she mentions him less and less. I am now filling in most of her memories and she is letting go. I guess I helped her with that, and I am glad.

 To ask a person to forget their past is like saying that they might as well not have lived for that time frame. It is better to accept that it is a part of their life and memories. It was just another time in their life. Without that part of their life, they would not be the person they are now with you.