God I'm in such a mess that I don't know what to do . . . it's again and again and again and again . . . the the shouting and the yelling and the . . . the threats and the . . . the threats of killing themselves and it's too much for me. I . . . I'm shaking again tremors. I don't know if I can . . . I don't know if my mind is stable enough to even deal with this anymore because it goes away for a while and then it comes back. Like . . . like I'm always . . . I'm always scared. I'm scared of it coming back and then it does and then I know it will start all over again and I don't know what to do. I have a son that literally abuses me emotionally and mentally and I lay boundaries down and he doesn't like them, so he falls into this "I'm autistic and I . . . I might as well kill myself and I don't want to be alive" and I don't know what to do. I just don't know what to do and I don't trust him now. I mean I . . . think maybe I feel . . . and I'm scared that maybe he'll hurt his mom . . .my wife . . . oh God! If anything happened to her and he did it and I wasn't able to stop it and I wasn't able to fix it and he hurt her or . . . or worse - I'd never forgive myself! And what am I going to do? Stay up 24 hours a day and run myself into the ground? Hell, I'd be killing myself! Who knows? I might be killing myself right now with all the worry and high blood pressure. I could stroke out or something.
I had to get out of the house. I'm just walking now. I don't know what else to do. I can't be there . . . he's there. He's there ready to keep this fight going . . . ready to . . . ready to torture me with some other mind game.But I don't know if it's a mind game or if he is serious. I mean if you are serious when will you do it already but if he's not serious then then how do I tell? How do I get out from under this? I feel trapped in my own home with . . . with the kid that just will not grow up . . . will not be independent. A kid that expects me to be his soul provider like a slave. . . almost like a he wants me to be the dad of a baby giving him everything he needs so that he doesn't have to do anything. And he's 21 effing years old! And here I am walking out on the street because I can't face him, and I don't know what to do. I don't know how to solve it and I've tried to get people to help me. I just need someone to take him away . . . someone to just take him and turn him into a man because we can't do it. And he doesn't want to and he just wants to kill himself. That's what he says but he doesn't do it so I don't know if he's serious or if he's just playing mind games with me. And if he did . . . what would I do? What does that say about me as a father? What will that do to my . . . to my mind? What will it do to my marriage? What will it do to the rest of my life if . . . if he actually went through with it? Then all . . . all those problems will just go away but then what . . . what will it do to my mental health? That I have a son that had killed himself? Either scenario is horrible. To even think about . . . just for him to be alive and still abusing me and making my life hell or for him to kill himself and then I'm a childless parent who wasn't able to keep his child alive. So I'm stuck and I think . . . I don't know . . . I don't know how I'm not in the hospital myself yet because I don't know how much strength I've got left. I don't know why I haven't had a mental breakdown yet. I don't know why I'm not depressed. Maybe I am depressed, and I just don't know it. Maybe I'm just . . . you know . . . functionally depressed, but if I go to the hospital nothing will. . . nothing will change. They'll just release me, and they'll send me back. And he'll still be doing the same thing. I won't escape. I will still be in the same turmoil. I'm living in a jail of whether. . . whether I live one hell of . . . of him and his manipulation and his mind games, and the other hell of him killing himself and me living with the fact that I wasn't able to stop it. What then? What? How. . . how am I supposed to go on if that happens? How am I supposed to go on when it doesn't happen? So, here I am walking and walking and walking until I probably will collapse. I'm walking because I can't go back. Not right now. Not with the way he is right now and if everything's okay when I get back home, how long will it be before the next time? How long will it be before he . . . he throws his games on me more because I don't know how much longer I can do it. I don't know how much more I can shake it off. I don't know how much longer I can keep it together.
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