My views on salt makes me a liberal ...... I guess.

So there was this videos short on Facebook that made the claim that table salt was "dead" and bleached which made it a poison. Then it said that sea salt was better for their health and had many health benefits because of the minerals. So..... Here is the thread of conversation that came after my comment. . . . 

 

My first comment --------

 Me -First of all, table salt has not been bleached. They don't use bleach for refined salt.. That's absurd. Secondly, sea salt is still like 98-99% table salt and the rest is other types of salt (like calcium chloride or magnesium sulphate) and trace minerals. If you think that sea salt is significantly different, it is just placebo and marketing effect.

 

And here we go....... This guy was off and running!

Him - Kobbled Krafts no, it’s simply natural and made by nature. It contains enzymes and aminos along with many other minerals. Table salt is man made, lab made and full of poison. Try again

Me -  Keep on squawking like a parrot of all these people that have these Facebook and tic toc degrees. The difference between table salt and sea salt is extremely trivial. Saying otherwise is just chasing those other guy's red herrings.

Him - Kobbled Krafts you must be a liberal, allergic to facts 😂 I would hate to have your brain. Plus your health is probably in shambles. How many pills are you taking from your doctor?

Me - You sure are judgemental for someone that doesn't know about health as much as you believe you do. And throwing out the label of liberal on me tells me all I need to know about your mentality. I guess simple concepts of science is political for you or if you can't have any proof to back up your claims you just start labeling like it is all that someone needs to judge the validity of a person. If you believe that plain iodized table salt is a poison compared to sea salt, then there is no coming back from the type of ignorance you have in spades.

Him- Kobbled Krafts yep you’re in horrible health. You trust your “health officials” and pop whatever pills they tell you to take. I bet you love seed oils. Enjoy your fake salt fatty. Its trace minerals. Sea salt naturally contains them. Table salt is intentionally void of minerals and they lie to you and tell you it has “iodine” like there is t plenty of other sources of iodine that don’t have actual bleach in it. I feel bad for you. I bet you got all you booster shots 😂

Me -  you are so indoctrinated by  conservatives and those people that feed your bias. Those minerals in sea salt are so small that you would have to eat literally pounds of sea salt to get the same as you would out of fruit and vegetables. You know..... Because they are just a trace amount .And if you think there is literally bleach in table salt, then you are seriously brainwashed. I hate to say it but you have to be stupid to believe that there is bleach in salt. Keep responding bud, you are really giving all these people a good example of what being manipulated with feeding your own bias looks like.

Him - Kobbled Krafts fucktard trust his government 😂 most minerals are absorbed better in trace amounts. You know nothing. Keep trusting the government. I’m not the one that is brainwashed here. You probably think Covid was handled correctly. Don’t forget your other booster shot. I bet Covid still kicked your ass

Me - no ... Minerals are not better absorbed at trace amounts.... Your body only needs trace amounts of some of them. Keep squawking that Republican vomit you have been spoon fed.

Him - Kobbled Krafts health is universal, you’re just more likely to be fat, dependent, and on medications if you’re a liberal. “Trust the experts” I actually feel bad for you. Because you’ll never know what it feels like to feel good about yourself. You hate Trump more than you love yourself. Let that sink in.

Me - You know.... Its the same with Trump supporters. They are all arrogant and blind to solid research. And when presented with the numbers and supported verified repeatable results that don't first their viewpoint, they insult and belittle like they are on a pedestal. High and mighty in your blind ignorance blind cult like mentality. And just because I disagree with you and actually show that you are either flat out wrong or that you are over exaggerating, you label me as a liberal and assume my political views like it is a disease . Like this conversasion..... It is absolutely absurd and down right wrong that the type of salt (sea salt or table) affects your health to the degree you are saying. You are arguing with blind allegiance to whoever is lying to you and then you spit out that same false claims as if they are true on very little evidence (if you looked up the evidence at all). I getting to believe it is Trump Thumpers that are the problem. If you truly feel that salt and dyes and the type of sugar that is in coca cola and the type of oil Mickey d's fries are cooked in makes our country healthy or sick, then you are truly lost and choose to be stupid because you have to know those things make very little difference to a person's overall health. 

 

Why are you not advocating for lower prices on whole foods and fresh meat and fresh vegetables? Why are you not advocating for increase exercise? Why are you not advocating for better access to preventative care (dare I say..... Vaccines?). Why are you not advocating for more affordable health insurance? Hell, I bet you are still talking about the food pyramid when that has not been the recommended eating habits for over a decade .... Why don't you support and advocate the "my plate" as a resource for healthy eating?

Him - Kobbled Krafts mind virus. You’ve been consumed by evil.

Me -  obviously I could say the same to you based on your responses.

Him -Kobbled Krafts I’m not maga, but you are however okay with killing babies

Me - That's quite a baseless accusation... See? You are being arrogant and judgmental. You can say you are not MAGA but you seem to have the mentality of one.

Him - Kobbled Krafts you’re brainwashed. Show me one study that supports your claim that unrefined sea salt has the same mineral content as bleached table salt? Show me that studie or shut the fuck up lol

Me -  Can you not read? Does your reading comprehension suck? Reading for content must not have been a strength for you in school or something. Go back and reread what I have written. Here.... I will repeat myself..... Again...... First, table salt does not have bleach in it. It is not "dead" or a "poison". It just does not have the minerals and other types of salt. Secondly, the minerals and other salts that are in sea salt are so small and trivial that there is absolutely no benefit (or harm) to using sea salt over table salt. There is no nutritional or benefit at all to using sea salt over table salt or vice versa. 

I think I have made those two points pretty clear several times. You can try to rage bait me all you want but I am circling back around to the original fact that there is no nutritional difference and no health difference between sea salt and table salt.

Him - I’ve been taking unrefined sea salt for years and my health has never been better. You’ll pay for your health. You’re a lab rat. When’s the last time you even exercised? When the last time you even upgraded your knowledge?

You’re one of those “careful with red meat and eggs” phaggots

Me - You sure are quick when it comes to shallow debate and no depth of knowledge. You can throw all the labels and what you think of as insults to try and get an upper hand or distract me but it doesn't change the fact that table salt is no more of a poison than sea salt. The traces of minerals in sea salt mean absolutely nothing to our overall health. And there is no bleach (chlorine ) in table salt. You are flat out wrong on that. And you are just showing how lost you are when it comes to basic common sense. .. well I guess not so common for you.

Him - I think you have taken too much fluoride. Can you show me a study showing that table salt is the same as sea salt?

A long paragraph to tell me “I love chemicals” “Chemicals are better than what nature has to offer” I bet all my claims were correct about you never denied it.

Me - Are you dense? Go back and read the comments. You are so narrow minded and eager to spit out crap arguments you are parroting from senseless influencers that I don't think you really are reading my comments for comprehension. So, here I go again..... They are not the same. BUT... The difference between them are so small that sea salt is not nutritionally better for your health than table salt and vice versa. Claiming that sea salt is better just because it has trace amounts of extra minerals is a foolish claim when it is in an amount that is trivial that it is considered non-existent in benefit over table salt. And again..... If you think there is literal chlorine bleach in table salt, you are just being purposely stupid about it.

Him - and your claim is incorrect, imagine trying to defend a point that is at the end of the day, WRONG

Me - imagine lacking so much reasoning skills in the area of proportions and the idea of significant amounts that people are shaking their heads with sympathy for your ignorance while you still hold on to false ideas.

Him - still haven’t showed me the studies 

Me - You haven't either...... Just saying. And if this guy on this video is your source..... Well I think I would trust a medical doctor or nutritionist for my facts thank you very much......

But if you want some reading material.....here ya go. Its not very hard to find a side by side comparison and how trivially insignificant the difference of sea salt and table salt is. Hell, I bet you will read these (probably not I am guessing) and still say I don't know what I am talking about.

Go ahead but those programs that guy is selling. He is scamming you hook line and sinker to make a buck off of you.

https://www.healthline.com/nutrition/pink-himalayan-salt#TOC_TITLE_HDR_4

https://www.eatrightpro.org/news-center/practice-trends/is-one-type-of-salt-healthier-than-another?

https://thereader.mitpress.mit.edu/sea-salt-is-no-health-potion/

 

You guys are being scammed and your ignorance or naivete is being exploited. If you still believe that there is enough minerals in sea salt to make a significant amount of health difference, you are mistaken. If you look at the chart of the different types of sea salt and then compare the amount of that nutritional mineral to the USDA recommended daily amount.... You would have to consume an excessive amount (like absurdly excessive amount) per day to make even a minor dent in health benefits.

You have to do a little math on your own because in the science world this is such a no brainier that there is no real side by side comparison done for you, but I did one example just to prove what I am claiming.

For example, let's take magnesium. You need 400 mg of magnesium per day recommended. If you look at the average sea salt you would need to eat 267g of sea salt PER DAY ..... Over a half pound of sea salt....... To hit that recommended amount of magnesium per day.

Like I said, the amount of minerals in sea salt is absolutely trivial and makes absolutely no difference to your health whatsoever in the amount you'd have to eat it in order to get any significant amount of minerals for your diet. There is no nutritional difference between table salt and sea a salt.

If you don't understand that then we're just going to have to agree to disagree and you're just being blind to straight up numbers. There's nothing more I can say about that.

And the second point I was making, that there is no bleach and bleached salt is kind of a no-brainer. The word bleached can refer to just something being white which pure granulated salt is white. It DOES NOT mean there is bleach in table salt.

The website source is..... https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/37624210/

 

Him - you must be seriously unhealthy

 

Me - it is interesting to me how you (and others) make a judgment on my overall health on just my claim about the difference between table salt and sea salt. I also think it is very telling of your perception of how much difference actually makes a significant difference in outcomes. For instance.... Saying the extra minerals in sea salt makes a significant change in your overall health is like saying that some one who has a million dollars is rich and one that has $999,995 dollars is poor.

It's either your perception of abundance versus benefit or you are just easily persuaded without having good logic skills.

Have you actually looked at the empirical difference between plain table salt and the average sea salt? Like actually compared side by side the actual content and actual weight difference? The difference is so small compared to what out body actually needs each day that they are the same thing. It's like the difference between $1,000,000 and $999,995.

Think about it.

 

Him - I’ve never seen someone be so committed to being wrong and uninformed. I must’ve struck a nerve. You’re still wrong. still haven’t showed me any proof of Table salt being the same as sea salt. You have the same mental function as a rock.

 

One has chemicals. One is left the way nature intended. Does that make sense? Or are you just down right retarded?

 

Me - I have been thinking you have a problem with reading or understanding the English language. I have been clear and have provided lots of proof with examples that there is no nutritional...NUTRITIONAL..... Difference between table salt and sea salt. I have provided sources that list the components of both table salt and sea salt. They clearly show that table salt is not full of chemicals.... It is just one - sodium chloride. In some table salt, they add iodine which is still not even close to being a poison. And sodium chloride is not a poison to you either. If it was, the sea salt would be a poison since 98% or more is plain ol' sodium chloride. They also show that the extra minerals that are in sea salt are not enough to make any difference to your health whatsoever. Not a bit. You would have to have at least a half a pound or more of sea salt per day to even get a small amount of benefit from the minerals in sea salt.

Seriously, If you are this committed to being wrong and name calling and asking for proof when it was given just shows that you may have a comprehension problem. Go back and read all the comment I have made. Read them carefully and check the sources I have provided and do the math of relative amounts compared to suggested daily amounts. I am wondering about just how much you understand.

I wonder about how well you understand written English if you have read all the comments and still claim there is no proof. On top of that, you have given me no evidence of all the chemicals that seem to be in table salt and any studies of the health benefits of sea salt over table salt. I know I haven't demanded it of you but I would think if you wanted to discredit my claims that you would have some credible source and studies and data to show everyone you can back it up. But all you have is insults and "its natural". Those are junk reasons and how children argue.

Read my comments again. If you Have nothing more than " its natural" or "you are retarded" as a reason why you are right, then I guess you will just have to live in your blind ignorance or lack of intelligence to understand simple written English.

 

Him - you’ll keep trusting the government until your pronouns are was/were

 

me - You do realize this is a discussion about salt, right? Just straight up comparative composition and relative benefits of sea salt compared to table salt. Being insulting and obtuse and this adamite about sea salt having such a great effect on your health when I have shown pretty clearly that is makes no difference at all sure does show your ignorance and lack of reasonable thought. I mean, why else would you counter my sources and facts with insults, allegations and dismissal? You truly are blindly following what people say that are just as mislead as you are. I just hope you are not paying for some special sea salt believing it is doing something for you when it doesn't do anything at all but empty your pocket of your money. Just go to like Marshals and get your sea salt there for a couple of bucks and you will get the same results. . . . So while it has been amusing to banter back and forth with you and see how far and mean you would get with your insults and hollow meaningless reasoning, I think I have more than proven my claims with analogies, sources , and examples. Have a great day, and remember . . . . it is just salt. Seriously. . . it is just salt.

Sockets

 

It may look like just a bunch of old and worn out tools but they are part of who I am. Not the tools themselves but the memories they invoke. 

Because this set of sockets and socket wrench belonged to my grandpa Hubbard.

 They were his and they are one of the few things that are left of him that I kept and cherish when I need them. I know when I use these tools (that I jealousy took) that he would smile at how I have taken good care of them and still use them. 

So much of who I am came from him: my skill with building and fixing things, my problem solving and the engineer in me. That all came from my untrained desire and interests guided by his teaching me how to work with tools and think out a problem. 

There are times I get a memory that is so strong that I can actually hear his voice in my mind, and it seems so real that I actually turn my head to see if he is really there. But I know that he is not. It has been over 30 years since I have heard his voice. Since I have seen him. Since he has called me, "Knuckle Head". The memory, though, can be so intense.....

God, I miss him some days. And the pain of loss comes flooding in. 

Memories come and I start reliving a lot of time I had with him. I remember so many things and replay so many reels of memory videos to refill my reserve of making sure not to forget that man. The man who was such an integral part of who I am. I roll them through my head for a few minutes and enjoy the time I have with him again. . . .even though they are just memories. 

And then it is inevitable. I come to the part when I lost him. His cancer. His decline. 

And that is where I have images of him in his last day or two. Memories I have but don't want. I hate that those are the last things I remember of him. I hate that my feelings of sorrow and pain and loss have saved those memories with such clarity and realness. . . burned them permanently into my memory. 

I hate it. 

Maybe that is why I don't like funerals and walking up to caskets. I don't want that image of my loved one to be the last memory of them. Burned into my memory like I do with the last days with grandpa. I want to keep the memories of them when . . . . . 

Sigh. . . . . 

So, yeah. these are my grandpa's Craftsman socket set from Sears. And I was able to fix the dryer with them and the Spirit of Grandpa in me. Man, I miss him some days. 

I saw this Video on my feed - - - it's about the worth of being married.

I saw this short video from like a tic tok of a woman that was talking about whether it not it was worth it to get married. She has been married for 7 years now and she said her husband was a good husband. You know..... Not abusive but good and supportive and provides. 

She was saying things like you lose yourself and your sense of individuality, and that you lose your sense of peace, and having to deal with another person every single day for the rest of your life. She even says that she doesn't know why she feels that way because she has a good man. 

Well, I know why she feels that way. It's because our society is not teaching, showing, and understanding what it means to be a married person where you bond with your spouse and become one flesh like it is taught in the Bible.  That is the problem. And I might be a little judgmental or gender profiling, but I feel that women are being taught the opposite and men just have an intuitive understanding of what it means. 

Well, here is my comment to this post......

 I don't know.... I have never questioned why I am married. Maybe it is because I knew what a decades long marriage was and knew that I wanted it. And I am in one. And I will die with her by my side or her with me by her side. Do I think she wants to bail? After 25years? No. Not even a little. To say that you lose your individuality..... Yeah, in a sense that is true. But in another sense, it is not true. We all have our hats (personalities) that we wear.... At times I am a married man and at times I am a father and at times I am myself. All of those are true and I shift constantly from one to another. It's because I am an individual who knows exactly who he is in all those roles.....when I am in my married man energy, it does not mean I have lost my identity or individuality, it means that my identity is like a gem and multifaceted.... And being a husband is a big part of that. I am ok with that, and I expected and wanted it to be that way. 

I guess what I am saying is that if you feel like you don't have your own identity and individuality as a married person, maybe you didn't know what being married really was in the first place.

I have discussed this idea before. Did I lose my identity by getting married? .... No. I wanted to incorporate being a spouse into my identity. Being married is part of who I wanted to be and who I am today. I will go back to the Bible..... Whether you believe all the stuff in the Bible or not, setting aside the whole one God and accepting Jesus thing, the Bible really does have some truths and hard lessons in it. The whole "one flesh" idea is truly what sets a successful marriage apart from a marriage that will fall to pieces. 

After more than 25 years of being with my wife, I now understand the whole Trinity thing with God. I see that in my wife and I. She has her identity, and I have mine but then there is this third that is us together. Our marriage is its own ..... Being?....... Identity.?..... Soul? ...... Call it what you will. What I do know is that my wife and I and our marriage are separate and together and all exist at the same time. 

Hard to understand? Sure it is. Just like trying to understand the Trinity, right? But I understand the Trinity a lot more after being married for decades than I ever did before I was married. It all makes sense to me now that I am experiencing it firsthand.

It takes time though. It takes time to soul search in order to really know if you're truly a marriage type person. It takes time to envision what your marriage will be and who you will be as a spouse. It takes time to decide what will create a happy and fulfilling marriage for you. It takes time to truly set your mind. spirit, and soul to becoming a new person and to be content and fulfilled with the idea that you will be one with another person and also exist as a separate person at the same time. It takes time to find the person who will be the person that will be the one that will share that vision.

And that.......That is why we have so much discontent in our relationships today. That is why there are so many on social media spouting all this advice and revelations that really mean nothing. It is because more and more people don't get the meaning and the truth of what marraige truly is to begin with and there are very very few examples to show them. 

Do some soul searching. Decide if you are the "three in one" type before you decide to marry someone. That is probably the best advice I have for you. 

I hate being forced to do this.

 I hate that I'm being forced to do this. I hate that I have to make choices based on what's best for my entire family because of one family members choices that is really threatening the security of the rest of us. Here's the message I sent to our family counselor about what my son has done......

I am really torn up right now. I want to reassert that the biggest issue with my son and my wife and I is what we want compared to what he wants. No amount of communication will fix that. And everything is fine until we set a boundary and say no.

Right now I have decided that I am going to drop him from my medical insurance. He had an episode the day before yesterday and checked himself into the Vanderbilt mental health hospital. This is getting to be a problem because it's been less than a month since he did it last time. And just about every time he checks himself into a hospital they send me like a $1,000 bill. This often is not sustainable at all with our income.

And I just cannot sustain that at the rate he falls apart all the time. I have been paying on one bill for over a year and he accrued another 800$ bill less than a month ago and now I have no idea what I will be charged for this but he was taken to the emergency room since they didn't have staff to deal with him.

One of the issues he works on me with is the guilt of not wanting to pay for all this stuff as if I'm a horrible father for not doing that. But it's too much..... I'm going to end up having to file for bankruptcy for a second time in my life if it keeps on like this that is not good for my family and household.

Dropping him for my insurance will be nothing short of catastrophic for him..... He will not be able to afford meds, councillors, or any other medical issue. On the other hand I can't let it go on for him to keep going to the hospital and draining my finances because he can't manage his emotions or mental health. It's been over four years of therapy and meds and he is running my finances dry. And that scares me a lot with another boy half way through college and my wife with her chronic health issues. I feel like I am a passenger in my own car with him driving and running into anything and everything while I sit with no control over his driving at all. Well, one thing I can do is take away the keys.

One thing that will be absolutely sure, Austen will come unhinged when I do it. But I just can't let him have that control over my money like that. Its getting to be reckless, it threatens the security of the rest of my family, and I have to put a stop to it.

I just don't know what else to do or if I can really do anything else..... I'm being forced to or having the make choices of more struggle for my family. I just can't do that so I sent a message to the court person about him too.....

Just dropping a line. My wife told me about my son checking himself into the hospital last night. 

I am going to have to take him off our insurance. The bills will come to me as the insurance holder and I will be responsible if I don't pay them even though he is the one that got them. There is 800$ from his last visits and who knows how much for this time and he will just keep going at his whims. I hate it but to keep me from being financially strangled and going bankrupt.... I can't think of what else to do. 

I would like to start the process of applying for TNcare. Can you help us with this?

God...... Will this get easier ever?

Family Therapy V

A couple of days ago my son asked me if  had any play doh. I said that I didn't and he told me he only had $18 in his account and he didn't want to run short. I said that's ok because he can just stop by the dollar store and get like a cheap no brand one. 

Well that turned into a horrible fight and it is the same old same old. 

Well here we are going n our therapy session where I played out the whole thing. But I tried to get across how it is not the communication that is the problem, it is the fact that I just don't want to do as much as I used to because I feel I have done more than what is expected of me as a father. And I am laying down boundaries that he just does not like or accept. 

Well I started it all off and then the therapist went after him with very deep and confrontational questions that really stepped into his comfort zone. He challenged all of my son's defensive accusations and arguments. And I just listened to him digging and digging in. 

I think one of the most thought provoking idea he forced my son to come to terms with is the difference between what is best for him and what he felt was good or what he wants. And I really never though about it like that. He said that my son wanted to come home and he wanted out of the home he was in and that my son felt that would be good but was that the best for him? And that clearly was not. Then he said that my son was where he was at and doing what he was doing because being at home was not the best for him. He said there was a reason he was being kept from home and then he had my son tell him why..... And he struggled. So the therapist told him why. 

it was pretty reassuring that this therapist was not just validating him and telling him what he though was right or told him that we were the problem. I have said it before that I have struggled with not being heard in the midst of his problems. And today really was not like that at all. 

So, I am not sure my son really feels good about what wast talked about today but I thing what was talked about was what was best for him. 

My Facebook post for today......

You know, sometimes what we may feel is good for us or what we want is not necessarily what is best for us. 

I am finding that saying "this is for your own good" really is saying, "you will not think this is good for you and you will not like it but I feel it is the best for you in the long run and I am making a hard choice to try and make sure your future is better than the present. " 

And I am willing to accept that you will hate me for it. 

Damn being a parent is hard.

Family Therapy IV

 For the next session I was given an assignment to come up with three "I wish" statements. 

And I've only had a week to think about this. This endeavor or task or assignment or whatever you want to call it has had me rolling around memories and ideas and all kinds of things that just make my mind lock up.

And I wish so many things that I can't really narrow it down to just three. Because I wish so much about this whole thing with my son. I start thinking about how I wished that I had done things differently when I was raising him. But then I don't know what I could have done differently or how this could have turned out differently or what I did that led to this whole...... *Sigh*

You know? 

So what do I wish? I wish that he had more grit. I wish he could handle life a little bit better without going all anxiety attack and out of control with fear. I wish he had the drive to want to make a living for himself and work at a job full time. I wish he had confidence in himself that he can do it. That he can have his own life and be happy and and just be on his own. But.......

But he doesn't. 

And I don't know how to. . . I don't know how I didn't teach him..... Where I went astray. 

And the past is the past now. Can't go back and even if I could go back I wouldn't know what else to do or what to change or how I could have approached it all differently. I just don't know how we got to this point.....

*Sigh*

But I guess now I have to think about what I wish right now. And I wish for a lot of things but what would be the three most important wishes at this moment?... And I have all these things rolling through my mind and I still can't think of three out of all of the wishes I have going through my head. When I start trying to narrow them down, my wishes in my head go back to wishing that things were different in the past and that's not really what I'm supposed to do but. . . 

 I wish things were so much different in the past. 

But that won't help me now.. The past is a cruel mistress and there are no repeats. So I need to focus. I've got to look forward. 

What do I wish from now on? Because I wish he had a different mindset and I wish he would do what needs to be done and make progress. 

I wish he understood that I am being a parent and as his dad I to have a "for your own good" mentality. The decisions I make have to be for his own good. He has to have a job..... A full time job. He has to start paying bills. He has to make friends and he has to separate from us and make his own home and own life and his own family. He says he wants that but he shows no effort or drive to. He says he is but I fight him for each step forward as he tells me his is when he isn't and he can't do it or he is disabled. And then I have to find a way to force him..... And that . . . And that is a war.

I wish he took responsibility for his actions and for how those choices and actions came with consequences that resulted with where he is right now. He blames me for practically all of his hardships and while he completely disregards his actions and how those actions motivated my choices. But, he hasn't and then he uses me as a target for his anger about the circumstances his actions put him in. And the war deepens. 

I hate to add this to my list..... But I wish he would stop hurting and attacking me for being his father and "making" him . . . Forcing him. . . To do things he hates and don't want to do. Because that is my responsibility as his father. I am the one that has to push him out of the nest. I am the one that has to put feelings aside and do what I have to in order to cleave him from his parents. It's a hard job as a parent but it has to be that way.  It's up to the father to do it. I then I make him angry with my differing views and choices he does not want me to be making. And the war deepens even farther. 

I just have been attacked and beaten psychologically and emotionally and mentally so much that even though outwardly I may seem ok, in my mind and my physical health, I am a mess. He says he suffers from PTSD and anxiety but what he doesn't know or refuses to admit is that I am suffering too. I am suffering from how he treats me and the constant threats of self harm and the accusations complete with vulgar language he screams at me. It has dramatically made a permanent change to my mental health and it has permanently affect our father/son relationship. 

Three wishes.... Well it looks like after journaling my heart, I have my three wishes..... 

All that has to be done now is to lay these out and wait for the response. I am sure it will be completely disregarded with reflecting back at me and accusations and hiding behind disabilities but hey, it will be out there..... And in the presence of the therapist. Will it make a difference? I am so broken that I just don't believe it will. 

And then there is his list of three...... 

His wishes.

And I don't want to add that to the cacophony that is already in my mind right now. 

Family therapy III

 Well. I poured it all out. I bared my pain and worries and fears. I cried and shook and ranted non stop for over an hour. I am not sure how well he understood or truly knew what I had gone through for the last couple years but once I started the story it flowed out of me like a mud slide. It started slow and gained momentum and drew in everything as to flowed to the end. And do I think it helped? No. Not really. It was fast and dirty. It was chaos and disjointed. It had all the trash and debris all throughout. But I said what I said. 

I also left with him a stack of papers that I hope would give him an idea of what I had been living through the last few years. But will it do justice the the actual problem and pain and abuse and manipulation I have gone through? I don't think I can portray that to anyone..... Not even my wife. Because it's like I said at the the session, she knows it all but I was the one that experienced most of it. And that is because I was protecting her from a lot of it. I was shielding her from as much of the bad stuff that I could. So she knew but she really didn't know it all. 

And today, he will be in his session and it makes me wonder what he will say. I am sure of one thing ... It will be night and day compared to me because my son sees life like no one else does. He has a victim personality and he has no empathy whatsoever for what I have been through. And when I describe my feelings to him, he says he doesn't care. It's because he does not have the ability to imagine what it is like to be another person. He is incapable of it. The he will blame me for it all. He will say I am the reason he feels like killing himself and I am the reason he is depressed and anxious and unemployed and went to jail and that he is the way he is because of me. Everything that is wrong with him or has gone wrong for him is because of me. He will take no responsibility for it at all. 

And so here is the question that will roll through my head. . . . What will he think? Who will he believe more? Or will he just say that we are both seriously messed up. 

Who knows? We will have to see what happens when we are in the frost session together next week. 

Until then......