You Should teach a class

I was told again yesterday. After I was talking about my wife. . . . yeah I know. . . it is such a surprise that I talk about her! Anyway, I said that if I feel that my wife is trying something new at a restaurant that she may not like, I decide to order something I know she will like. You know. . . . just in case she may want to trade. I would not let her to go hungry because she ordered something she ended up not liking and I know I will eat just about anything she would order no matter what. So, no biggie.

And that is when the girl I was talking to said it, "You should teach a class on how to be a husband."

I have been told this quite a few times in the past. I said, "Naw, I sound like I am such a good husband, but I really only know how to be a good husband to my wife."

This is where I think people kinda misstep in their marriage. She was responding to what I was saying not in terms of what I actually did as much as the actual meaning and expression and motive of what I did. You see? She reacted like she would with a romance story or a romance movie. What I was saying was so romantic in her mind and the unsaid reason I would order that way was a deep romantic emotional thing. She started to think about whether or not her hubby thought of her that way, to act that way, and deep down she didn't think so but wished he did. And then she just expressed how a guy like me needed to teach or show or tell her husband how to think of her in the same way. 

But you know what? I bet he does already, and she just has not picked up on it. 

I have taken the time to grow and learn my wife and what she needs and wants in her relationship and marriage. I learned how to support her and treat her and what to do to make sure she actually feels me loving on her through action and words and presence. Over the last 24 years, it has become habit and intentional. My wife and I have become so bonded and integrated that how we treat each other has become so ingrained that it is like breathing or walking. It's automatic. . . . without thought.

Make no mistake, she has done the same for me too. . . but that is not really the focus of this writing. 

And that is what this girl means when she says that I need to teach a class. It is not so much teaching men the same things I do but more of teaching men to learn what it means and what they need to do to love their wife. They want me to show them that same idea that I said that I only know how to love my wife because each relationship is unique and special to only the two that are in it together. That is really what she means. 

I just think that sort of time and effort and learning of who you want to spend your life with is lacking in our society today. You can see it in the divorce rates and on social media. People just put a blanket relationship advice out there and completely miss that each relationship is unique and has its own life that is unlike any other relationship. They have to grow and bond and integrate their relationship separate from all others and not look to mimic any others. If this mindset is not there, then that is where you get people saying they "out grow" their partner or that their partner has "change and is not the same person." They didn't grow into the "one flesh" idea described in the bible. They are not working at growing into "one person" who automatically knows what their partner's needs and their partner knows what they need. Its hard to explain this to people now days because the idea of this kind of bonding or "one flesh" is actively scorned in today's ideology and the divorce rates are clearly showing that. But that is a discussion for another thread.

So, no . . . . I can't teach a class on how to be a husband because I will never be able to understand your unique relationship. Therefore, I can't help your husband be a better husband. 

I only know how to love my wife. 

And that Hurts.

I wasn't feeling good the other day. I've had a lot of time to let my mind wander lately and I have been really trying to put a finger on the episodes I have been having where I have not been feeling myself. It has really been vexing and consuming my mind a lot that I have not been feeling good mentally like I usually do, and I have been spending considerable time and mental effort on this. 

First, I think age has something to do with it. I am not positive about this, but it sure does seem that I am more emotional and more prone to anxiety and worry than I was when I was younger. Don't ever remember worrying so much. I don't remember  worrying so much when I was younger. It seems to be a lot more intense than it was. And I get tremors more easily now. I don't remember them being so easily manifested and having them endure for so long. 

And then there is one other thing that I think is really starting to get to me lately. I was looking at a post that I made about dad and when I think about my boys, I just don't think they look at me like I look at my dad. I think that's what it is . . .they don't see me as a wise nurturing looking out for their own interest kinda dad. You know?

It is a respect thing, I think. I remember that no matter how my dad treated me or if he scolded me or if he disciplined me or if he put expectations on me that I felt were way too high, I still looked up to him and I still sought him out for his steadiness and wisdom. You know. . . I had a great respect for him as a father and as a man. I needed his strength and confidence and his . . . . his . . . air of just being a man and he was the leader of our family. It is hard to put words to feelings when there are no words that can describe how I feel about my dad and how I treated him. I would never ever scream and argue with him. I would never call him names and judge his actions or motivations. I would never tell him he was any less than the person who was the most integral part of why my world didn't fall apart and crumble around me. You know.... He's dad. And that means something.

That's it. You know? 

I don't feel that way with my boys. I don't feel that they look at me the same way and I. . . well..... it affects me. I guess if you have read my other entries that this is not really new to you. My most recent journals are riddled with my eldest's attacks on me as a father and my motivations and his contempt of me and my ability to just get done what needs to be done as a father. He treats me as if I am untrustworthy or have hidden motives or agenda other than being the best father I am able to be or that I am not being as altruistic as God intended me.

He says "fuck you" when I am giving him tough love and telling him it is for his own good. He tells me I am no father of his when I don't just give into his selfish and self-serving immature ignorant demands. He tells me that I remember things wrong and that I try to gaslight him. He says that I don't understand the problem and that is the problem. He says so many hurtful things to me. 

He does not look on me as the leader to trust and follow. He does not respect me or that my motivations are altruistic and out of love for him and his best interests. He does not see me like I see my dad. 

And I think that is why I was just not feeling good the other day. 

I wonder if my dad ever felt that way...... He never showed but then again, I don't really show it to my boys either. At least I didn't at the beginning. Now, it is getting hard not to show how it is affecting me.

Now I tell him how he hurts me and how absolutely ugly he is to me. 

And then he tells me he doesn't care and throws more knives at me. 

I had time with my wife yesterday because she is one of the only people I can just lay it all out on the table. She picks me up and bolsters my mental and emotional health so I can get back out there and fight all that shit. She will always be what I need. 

I just never thought that when I decided to be a dad all those years ago that I would be feeling this way 20years later. All those years of raising and caring and encouraging and teaching and nurturing and guiding. . . . It seems like it means nothing to him. It feels like all that has been discounted and tossed aside like it was just a little bit of pocket change. 

And I think that is what is dragging me down. That is what is affecting my mood. 

But, I still am pushing and guiding and encouraging and nurturing when I feel this way. When I don't feel like I am on my game. When I don't feel like it will make a difference. When it is not being received with the intention it is being given. But it is hard wired in me because that is what my dad did. He just didn't have kids that questioned his motivations and his ability to be a dad. 

And yet. . . He yells........ Screams......, "fuck you" at the top of lungs. 

And I would never do or say such a thing to my dad.....

 

But I get this treatment from my son . . . . 

And that shit hurts. 

I am not feeling good today

 I am not feeling good today.

I don't want to talk today. Like, I have a lot of words going through my head, but my mouth seems to be paralyzed and will not work. 

Not a good head space to be in since I am a teacher and students are coming in shortly.

It's an odd feeling. I don't feel like myself in my head. You know? I normally like the way I feel in my head. Even if I have other emotions floating around, even negative ones or physical pain, I still feel good in my brain. It is hard to explain but I usually feel good in my head. But last night and today, I just don't feel it . . . . I don't know if I am sad or anxious or depressed or even if I am coming down with something. What I do know is that that sense of equilibrium in my mind of joy and peace that hold off the negative feelings of worry and anxiety and . . . and . . . . . blah. . . . is just not there today. 

And I don't know why. 

Maybe I have been beaten down too long. I mean when I look back at my most recent posts, I have been struggling. I am struggling with my image and my worry about my marriage and my oldest son and worry about my youngest son and . . . . 

Most of them are allusions though. . . . 

They are not really that bad. . . . at least in my rational mind they are not. 

You know, these things are not even as much of an issue as they were back then but for some reason, I am just not feeling that good today. 

I need time with my wife. I need to just be in her sphere. I need to touch and embrace her. I am sure that will help today. But until then. . . .

How am I going to get back to that state of mind I have had in the past . . . .just the other day? Have I been taking that state of mind for granted? Maybe I have and I let the stresses of life and the issues with my son chip away at it while I had no idea that it was being chipped away to me feeling like I am today. 

I am wondering now. . . . .how do I get it back?. . . . how do I get that feeling back that I took for granted for all these decades?

I don't like feeling this way . . . . .the way I feel right now. 

In this state of mind, I am having a hard time even trying to remember what it was like let alone trying to figure out how to get back to it. This is so odd to me right now. I can remember that I felt that way, but I can't remember how it actually felt. And now I am writing about how I don't feel good and how I missed feeling better. 

Damn.

I hate it and I am thinking that this is how depressed people feel and now I am thinking how hard it is for them to turn it around. Like, I am wallowing in this feeling and thinking . . . . believing . . .. that I will not turn it around. 

Damn, that is hard to wrestle with in my mind. 

I know one thing. . . no medicine. This has to be temporary. It has to be. I had that good feeling my whole life. I am just in a funk and a period of time that is odd. It is temporary. . . . . it has to be. I have not had any major events recently to explain this feeling in my head. I am just rolling down hill with it and can't see the bottom where it levels out and slows down. I have to focus on the fact that it will, and I will come out of it. 

I just have to focus on that.

I will come out of it. 

I will.

I will. 

But, God. 

I don't feel that good today.

How messed up do I have to be to be treated the same?

 I had  an epiphany a couple of weeks ago. When this happened to me, it represented all the struggle and frustration I had been fighting against for the last three to four years. Please bear with me as I make this point.

I took my son, who has mental health issues and social disabilities, to a social working institution called Empower Tennessee. They claim to help people that struggle with things like autism and other handicaps to be able to become more productive citizens. They provide support and access to resources they may not have or even know about like applying for jobs or federal assistance. 

I took him in to have our initial meeting and evaluation. She sat us down and just talked to my son about who he was and some of the struggles he was facing. I sat silently waiting. Then she asked both of us to split a paper into four quadrants. She asked both of us to label each quadrant with one of these - What I want, What I need now, What I want in the future, and how do I get there. 

We made our lists in each quadrant and then she told my son to say out loud what his lists were and for me to circle what matched on my list. When he was done, she then began to talk about what she would do and what the organization can do for him. She then asked me to step out while they talked in private.

And then my son and I left. 

On the way home, I thought - This is why my house is so messed up right now. It is because I am not messed up enough. You Know?

So, what I think and feel and want is not important . . . or after that meeting, it felt that way. And I think I have been feeling that way for quite a while. Actually, I think I have been feeling that way for years. 

You see, I wrote that list down of what I thought my son's needs and wants and future and how to get to that future. But, what I thought and wanted and expressed was not important. It was not needed. She  . . . they . . . .only wanted what he thought. And they just wanted me to suck it up and drop everything to just give him it. And that is the realization I came to on the drive home. I am not messed up enough to be the one who is listened to. And I was starting to realize no one has been listening to me.

Basically, I am the one that will pay the bills and just go along with whatever these counselors and psychologists and therapists feel is necessary to get him right. I mean, he has been in therapy with at least two mental health professionals for over four years. He has had three suicide stays in hospitals. He has been diagnosed with Autism and severe anxiety and depression. He has started college twice and one time with a program specifically designed for autism and he quit. He has even had a stay in jail for a horrible "episode." And through it all, I have paid for it and taken him to all the programs and escorted him to class for a week or two and help him with applications and appointments and . . . and. . . and  

For years I have done that for him. 

After my experience in Empower Tennessee, I finally realized that no one really cares what I want and how I feel or how this is affecting the rest of the household. We are not the ones that are messed up, you see? And now that I am suffering mental health issues from years of this, I am now understanding why and how I got to this point in my life. 

Our house is not a peaceful house. We argue a lot. It is tense and it is wound up. I have a lot of resentment towards my son. He is not working towards becoming an independent adult and I truly feel he will not if I don't push or try to force him. He will spend weeks doing pretty much nothing but lay around, nap, and social media. 

And when we push him to be more and do more or we pull back with our time and money because he demands so much of us when he is bored and not being productive, he will have these episodes where he yells at us and fights us. He will get into rages where he will be accusing us of not loving him, verbally abusing him, hating him, not understanding his disability, and kicking him out or giving him over to someone to be their problem. This inevitably always ends up with threats of killing or harming himself or cutting us from his life. 

And I have decided that I am drawing the line. No more. My mental health and my peace of mind are gone. My physical health is starting to be affected. I have been pouring my whole life into this problem and I have been neglecting my wife and my other son. It is time. I cannot have him in my house anymore and I am unable to provide what he needs. He will not leave us on his own. He will stay with us and choose the dysfunctional life in favor of leaving us. He will rage and argue and yell and cuss at us and threaten us with stuff that cuts through our emotional wellbeing forever if nothing is done.

Because he already has. For years. . .

Because he is the one that is "messed up," and I am the one not messed up enough. That is why I can't get the help I actually need, and I am expected to just agree with everything and pay for it. 

How much more do I have to give up?

 How much more do I have to give up? I mean, seriously it's been 4 years and I've been dumping just about everything I've got into this whole thing.

I've applied to....... I've gone to with....... I've visited him in the mental hospital (all three times). The bills from that...... the time going back and forth. . . . One time they wouldn't tell me where he was since he was an adult. . . .That's when I really understood what a medical power of attorney was...... I've taken him to his IOP twice a week for weeks and it was an hour drive each way after working all day. I've gotten him into programs at college that he ran from, so I had to drop him from school and retract his scholarships. I help him apply to trade school and supported him as he struggled with going and staying. I got him help through vocational rehabilitation to help him get a job, but they have stopped working with him because he is difficult........ And the meds and therapists for years....... And. . . . and. . . .God, I don't remember all of it. . . .

All throughout this I have been coaching and driving him and showing him the way to and from and I have been with him during his appointments and giving him pep talks and . . . .I even took him to college and walked the campus showing him his where classes were. I escorted him from one class to another for a week because he had anxiety attacks. . . . and then he quit anyway. All that time. All that effort. All the expenses. All the mental strain. 

Seriously...... How much more? I've given so much already, and it has all been thrown to the wayside. 

I don't know how much more or how much longer I can keep putting into trying to get my son to move along on his path to becoming an adult. The problem is not so much that he is not progressing but more of how much stress he puts on us. 

We are being picked apart. Finances, time, and mental health are all being picked apart and piece by piece we are whittling down to becoming nothing. Seriously..... how much of us do we need to lose before we call it all off and retreat? When and how far is that line in the sand?

I have been giving up a lot to move him along and nothing is working. He is so scared of leaving and is so attached and dependent on us that he goes to extremes whenever he is challenged and pushed to cut ties with us. And each time I am losing more and more. I am not sure if my health or my marriage can take much more of this. 

And that truly scares the hell of me. 

If I lose my wife........

God, I can't even have a flicker of that thought or I will just break.....

How much do I have left for this before it all become too much and it tears everything down? I am not sure, but I will keep going until one or the other happens. I know one thing. . . . it cannot stay the way it is now. 

It may be over soon.

It is set. I have drawn the line in my mind, and I am not going back.... No matter what will come of it. 

I am thinking of all kinds of worse case scenarios (which includes losing my wife and that terrifies me) but I have made up my mind and once I do that..... Well, once I do that, I will break my heart and soul and still go through with it. 

Last I wrote, I had decided to go in a lay it all out to my son's psychiatrist. And I did. I was hysterical and raving mad for almost an hour. It was ..... Well, it was not pretty, and I didn't feel much in control. But my shaking came to a crescendo and afterwards it calmed down to going away. 

There was no going back after that. That day was the day that I set in motion the events I am not going to go back on. 

I said out loud that he has to get out of my house..... And I said it in front of him. 

What I was planning to say ...... I did say...... all those things and more. 

Thank God my wife went with me and mediated us afterwards. She didn't go in with us, but she knew I was going to do something drastic...... Something desperate. And she was there after.... My blessing..... My comfort. She drove home while I unwound..... While I decompressed. . . . While I shrank into my own mind and feelings.

I then contacted my mental health insurance and got a therapist for me. The very first session was about how to get him out of my house. I set the line. I have set my mind to it and no matter how much shame..... No matter how much guilt..... No matter how much pain I will endure before or after it is done..... No matter what I may end up losing..... I am going to hold that line against all of it. 

And it will hurt......I will suffer...... It is inevitable. 

How much it will hurt and how much I suffer still remains a mystery. In my mind I am going to lose it all. But hey, being melodramatic is kinda part of this gig, right? 

The therapist seemed to understand what needed to be done and said that he would send me names and numbers of places that will take him. And that will be the fuse. That is the missing piece that will set everything into motion. 

And I hate every thought that is coming into my mind and heart because of it. 

And so that is where I am at right now. Waiting for that fuse. And once I get it, I will light it. And once it's lit, the clock is ticking to when it will all blow. 

So, it is a short waiting game now. 

This is far from over. But then, it seems like it will be too fast. 

I can't parent him anymore.

 I've come to the conclusion that I can't parent him anymore. As long as he's in our house we will not be able to help him move forward and become an independent person. He is in the mindset that we will provide and support his life and pay for everything for him forever so that he doesn't have to grow up and be an adult. 

He jumped out of my truck last week. 

Yeah..... He was yelling at me throwing curses and screaming how horrible I was.......and then ......all of a sudden, he was rolling on the road. And I am at the end of what I can do for him. I have no more resources ......no more ideas........ no more programs ......no more forms .......no more strength.... no more .......mental...... health.

I'm done. I have no more strength to keep going or doing the same thing like I have been for years...... 

For ....... 

Years.

I have tremors. 

They won't go away now. They're constant and unending. I think they might be permanent this time. God! I hope not! I try to stop them. I try to mentally hold myself still, but I just can't. My mind is hyper focused on this whole ordeal. I'm in a point of my life where I have a child that's scared of life and scared of being on his own and scared of being alone and scared of.......of.......of..... Everything. And that is not exaggerating..... he is scared of everything.

And I've tried everything and nothing has worked to get him..... I don't know .....normal?

And I'm planning tomorrow to go back with him with this counselor, the psychiatrist, and see if I can.... I don't know be free from this nightmare I'm in. Is it a nightmare? I mean, I don't have dreams really. I don't remember them. But the shaking that I have... the stress that I'm constantly under.... this worry about what's he going to say next. How is he going to insult us .....what is he going to blame us for ..... how he is going to tell us that it's all our fault when all he does is sit and do nothing and wait for us to do everything. 

He gets done with his counselors and he comes home, and he tells us that we are the problem. We are narcissistic. We're abusive. We're manipulative. We're horrible to him. But how can that be so? 

He has a house to live in and he has a car to use and he has a phone to use and he goes with us places and we get things that he wants and we get things that he needs and we encourage him and we try and tell him that he can do things when he doesn't think he can and we try and make suggestions and we try and show him the best way to get places because we know he can't .........he can't...... We try. We try to be good parents. We try to be loving and encouraging, and we try to motivate him. But it wasn't enough. It is never enough. And he tells us all the time .... Screams..... That we are not doing enough.

I can go on and on I suppose. But he's 22 years old and he lives in our house like he's a five-year-old and needs everything provided to him. He needs all this constant attention and... and he needs us to care for him and and take care of him. The only problem is that he has an adult mouth, and he has adult words, and he hurts us with them. He uses words like weapons. He accuses us of abusing him. He accuses us of being horrible parents. He accuses us of being the problem. He accuses us of treating him like he doesn't have a disability. 

And......

And.... I don't know...... my shaking....... My tremors....... The stress and anxiety. My blood pressure. And I went to the hospital with a blood pressure that was dangerous..... Like cause a stroke dangerous.

We are not the problem. We can't be......

We are the solution for him. But he doesn't trust us. He doesn't want to learn from us. He doesn't believe that we're wise and have his best interest in mind. He doesn't believe that we truly care about his success. So, what do you say to that? I guess there's nothing else I can do for him. I'm done with parenting him because he doesn't want me to parent him if he doesn't believe what I'm saying, and he doesn't trust me and he doesn't think that I have his best interest in mind. And so that's it. He's basically living in our house, but he doesn't want to be our son anymore and he doesn't want us to be his parents. 

But, Of course, he wants us to pay for everything still...

We wouldn't want that part of us being parents to stop, now would we?

Honestly, all he sees is that we want him to be scared of life when that is untrue. We want him to face his fears, and we want him to deal with them so that they're not so scary anymore in that he can be happy and not let those fears control his life like they are right now. 

And when we push him to face those fears he bites back, and he fights back with words. He yells and he screams, and he calls names, and he accuses and he threatens and he . . . he hits us in our emotions and our fears and our insecurities. And he's so masterful at pulling them out and put them in front of us and making us doubt. He finds that it's hard to make us change what we're going to do because we're strong-willed people and we're very intelligent and he can't make us believe that all this stuff is horrible when it's not. It's the proverbial "for your own good" or "tough love." He wants us to just change what we believe to be true and best for him to his view, but we can't when we just don't agree with him. 

I just can't parent him anymore. He will not trust what I say or do what I suggest. All he does is refuse but still wants me to provide everything for him and I just can't do that. I have a family. I have another son and a wife, and he wants me to throw all that aside and just do what he wants and focus on him and make him the biggest priority in my life and he's not. And isn't that horrible to say? I mean who should be a priority in my life? I have two sons and a wife. None of them can be a priority.  I have to be a father and a husband to more than one person. But he doesn't see it that way ......won't see it that way ......can't see it that way.. . . unable to see it that way. And then what he says to me, that I am a horrible parent because I am not prioritizing him.... my own son ..... it's like knives and actually hurts some days. 

And I can't stop shaking.......

And it's tomorrow. I'm going to lay it all out on the table. I'm going to try and see if I can do one more thing. I'm going to say some very hurtful things to him that are that are logical to a reasonable person. I'm going to say things that is going to hurt him and I'm going to say things that's going to make him angry because he'll think I'm lying and he'll think that I'm trying to make him look like a horrible person. All he will hear is that I don't want to be his dad...... That I want to abandon him. And all I'm trying to do is save my sanity really. I'm trying to get my family back to peace ......with no yelling . .  no accusations .....no threats .....no hell on Earth. 

I going to tell the psychiatrist that I can no longer parent him and that I need him out of my house. I'm going to say that I need him out of my house while he is there and listening. I going to say that I am not going to stop being his dad but that I have reached the absolute end of what I can do for him as a parent. He is rejecting all my efforts in favor for what he feels will help him when he has no idea what works or how to take care of himself. I'm going to ask to be given names or numbers of any resource that I have not thought of to accomplished this. I going to tell her that my life and mental health and physical health is in jeopardy. . . . . that he is killing me with stress. That I will die of a stroke or heart attack or my health will decline if he continues and stays in our home. I'm going to say that I can't afford both money and physically and my family to have him stay. I'm going to basically say that after years of dumping all my strength and resources into getting him to be independent and not petrified of living in the world on his own, I have come the end of the road of what is within my ability to parent him any longer and that I have to hand him off to someone else. I still want to be his dad, but I just don't have what it takes to be a dad for him. My love and Care and efforts are just not enough. I need more and different outside help than what I have found and paid for the last several years. Because I am no longer able to do it myself anymore. 

I am beyond my ability. 

I guess it was always beyond my ability if I look back at all of what I tried to do. 

He will hear this and he won't hear that he is doing is hurting the well-being of the members of his family. He will only hear that I don't want him. He will only hear that money is more important than him. He will only hear that I don't love him anymore. He will only hear that he is the sole blame of our problems and that he is a target. He will hear that I am trying to betray him.

And he will attack us out of anger and pain and betrayal. 

And I'm expecting it not to work. And then I'm going to have to have that drive home with him. And who knows what it'll be like but I'm sure it will be out of control and horrible and that may be the final end. And after we get home, I expect him to turn everything I said into knives that he will try to bury in my heart. He will strip the meaning of what I was trying to say and throw the reinterpreted pieces of what I said at me like bombs. If we walk out of that office with no other resource for me to access, that will be it. I have multiplied everything tenfold and not taken even a half step forward.

And you know what? I don't know how much I can do anymore. I don't know how much I can withstand of this yelling and the accusations and abuse from him. It's going to end up killing me. It's going to shorten my life. I mean I went to the hospital after he jumped out of the car because I was under so much stress that my blood pressure was high enough to give me a stroke. And what would have happened after that? I would have been brain dead? Partially paralyzed? Unable to provide anything for my wife and my other son? And where would I have been then? 

God, this is such a shit show. 

But it's time to draw a line...... And then hold it.