I am not feeling good today

 I am not feeling good today.

I don't want to talk today. Like, I have a lot of words going through my head, but my mouth seems to be paralyzed and will not work. 

Not a good head space to be in since I am a teacher and students are coming in shortly.

It's an odd feeling. I don't feel like myself in my head. You know? I normally like the way I feel in my head. Even if I have other emotions floating around, even negative ones or physical pain, I still feel good in my brain. It is hard to explain but I usually feel good in my head. But last night and today, I just don't feel it . . . . I don't know if I am sad or anxious or depressed or even if I am coming down with something. What I do know is that that sense of equilibrium in my mind of joy and peace that hold off the negative feelings of worry and anxiety and . . . and . . . . . blah. . . . is just not there today. 

And I don't know why. 

Maybe I have been beaten down too long. I mean when I look back at my most recent posts, I have been struggling. I am struggling with my image and my worry about my marriage and my oldest son and worry about my youngest son and . . . . 

Most of them are allusions though. . . . 

They are not really that bad. . . . at least in my rational mind they are not. 

You know, these things are not even as much of an issue as they were back then but for some reason, I am just not feeling that good today. 

I need time with my wife. I need to just be in her sphere. I need to touch and embrace her. I am sure that will help today. But until then. . . .

How am I going to get back to that state of mind I have had in the past . . . .just the other day? Have I been taking that state of mind for granted? Maybe I have and I let the stresses of life and the issues with my son chip away at it while I had no idea that it was being chipped away to me feeling like I am today. 

I am wondering now. . . . .how do I get it back?. . . . how do I get that feeling back that I took for granted for all these decades?

I don't like feeling this way . . . . .the way I feel right now. 

In this state of mind, I am having a hard time even trying to remember what it was like let alone trying to figure out how to get back to it. This is so odd to me tight now. I can remember that I felt that way, but I can't remember how it actually felt. And now I am writing about how I don't feel good and how I missed feeling better. 

Damn.

I hate it and I am thinking that this is how depressed people feel and now I am thinking how hard it is for them to turn it around. Like, I am wallowing in this feeling and thinking . . . . believing . . .. that I will not turn it around. 

Damn, that is hard to wrestle with in my mind. 

I know one thing. . . no medicine. This has to be temporary. It has to be. I had that good feeling my whole life. I am just in a funk and a period of time that is odd. It is temporary. . . . . it has to be. I have not had any major events recently to explain this feeling in my head. I am just rolling down hill with it and can't see the bottom where it levels out and slows down. I have to focus on the fact that it will, and I will come out of it. 

I just have to focus on that.

I will come out of it. 

I will.

I will. 

But, God. 

I don't feel that good today.