Info on Thimerosal and EPA claim

 

I am only going to respond to the first claim since it will take bit to debate –

First, one of the common tactics of the anti-vaccine camp to disprove the safety of vaccines is to start with something that is true and then exaggerate it to being untrue or explaining it with false conclusions.

For example – right off the bat, you claim that thimerosal is 50% mercury by weight. That is absolutely true, but the conclusion you made from it  - EPA’s Thresh hold for it is 200ppb of this mercury which is (taking from context) Thimerosal.

But, when you visit the EPA website, they don’t have information about Thimerosal at all. Not even their search engine (which is called ComTox). Their page refers you to the FDA page on Thimerosal with basically says the amount in vaccines is safe.

This is where the “dose makes the poison” becomes important. Because this measurement (which cannot be found on the EPA website) would be used to give recommendations for continued exposure over many years in drinking water. Measured in concentration . . . Not the mass in one dose of a vaccine. So, basically, you are taking a truth and not applying it to the same mode of exposure. Then you are making an unfounded conclusion that injecting the thimerosal directly into the body is worse and bypasses the filtering organs. And that is only conjecture based on no evidence. You say it is 32, 500 ppb. . . but again that is only a concentration and not a mass dose. How much mass in is that dose at that 32,000ppb and is it enough to cause the harm you are claiming?

Well, if we look at Lethal Dose calculations which is the amount it takes to kill a person, it is about 75mg/kg. (taken from the SDS) That means for each kilogram of weight, you would need 75mg or more of Thimerosal to kill the organism. So, lets do a bit of math – Let’s say a baby was born as a preemie and only weighed like 4 lbs. It would take 75mg per kg to kill that baby. That would mean you would need 135mg of Thimerisal to kill the baby = 135000 micrograms. I say micrograms because the amount of Thimerisal in a vaccine  - - 50micrograms. 50. Compared to 135,000 that is the amount that will kill. And that is an underweight baby.

But wait! You may bring up the point that you are not talking about how much it takes to kill a baby, you are talking about how much would be needed just to cause developmental issues like autism or delayed brain development. . . right? Well, you are right but I bet they have done a lot of studies on it –

Association Between Thimerosal-Containing Vaccine and Autism | Autism Spectrum Disorders | JAMA | JAMA Network

Immunization Safety Review: Vaccines and Autism - PubMed

Thimerosal-containing vaccines and autistic spectrum disorder: a critical review of published original data - PubMed

Does thimerosal or other mercury exposure increase the risk for autism? A review of current literature - PubMed

 

Other Resources:

Frequent Questions about Regulations that Affect the Management and Disposal of Mercury-Containing Light Bulbs (Lamps) | Universal Waste | US EPA

 

Thimerosal in Vaccines | US EPA

 

Thimerosal and Vaccines | Vaccine Safety | CDC

Saline Placebo trials.

 https://www.aap.org/en/news-room/fact-checked/fact-checked-childhood-vaccines-are-carefully-studiedincluding-with-placebosto-ensure-theyre-safe-and-effective/

https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2025/jan/02/ron-johnson/yes-there-have-been-placebo-controlled-studies-on/

https://www.chop.edu/vaccine-update-healthcare-professionals/newsletter/75-years-placebo-controlled-vaccine-testing-us

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1bX4SAJwMUufNAkBplhKHOIe4gdI0BeRhpAXM5hpfV_Y/edit?pli=1&gid=0#gid=0

People are omnivores - 

Are Humans Herbivores or Omnivores? - Center for Nutrition Studies

Humans are Omnivores - Evidence - Biology Online Archive Article

Are humans meant to be carnivores or omnivores? - The Institute for Environmental Research and Education

The Dangers of The Carnivore Diet | Upgraded Health

The carnivore diet: What eating only meat does to your health, a nutritionist explains | BBC Science Focus Magazine

Long-term Health Concerns Of The Carnivore Diet - For Health Care Professionals GlobalRPH

The Carnivore Diet: What Does the Evidence Say? - Center for Nutrition Studies

Covid vaccines and causing death - 

No Evidence Excess Deaths Linked to Vaccines, Contrary to Claims Online - FactCheck.org

Mortality risk after COVID-19 vaccination: A self-controlled case series study - ScienceDirect

COVID Vaccine Death Rate: What the Official Data Shows - Biology Insights

placebo trials - - - https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1FKp1PeQpF/

and this one. . . . .https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1C56MWDHqG/

Hepiritus b vaccine 

Y r u lying literally in every video?

860 subjects, 15 days recording and 7 months analysing.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18690015/

They followed for a year

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0264410X9500118K

1178 for one year

https://clinicaltrials.gov/study/NCT00414050

Trial on the older population

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.4161/hv.7.12.18333

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11335734/

https://www.hepatitisb.uw.edu/page/treatment/drugs/recombivax-hb/references

I leave it to u to search for the rest and study them.

Fiber video https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1K6WbgxCLv/

Seed oils cause skin cancer and the sun does not - 

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17sW34LaTe/

Fiber is good - https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1Cng47SZ2n/

High meat diets increase cancer - - -https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1GJvAJhVaD/

Inuit and disease - -  https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1bXz1koyoW/

Soy protein argument..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1MM6jMmR26/

Everything about Polio - - - -https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32644370/?utm_source=chatgpt.com

Difference between fighting bacteria and viruses.....  https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Bzy2qryQk/

Vivid vaccine caused more injury than vivid itsrlf.  https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Bzin12P8T/

Raw milk...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1HVXm6jfkm/

Vaccine safety testing.......  https://www.facebook.com/share/r/187KaqBjU2/

Vaccine placebo trials.... Dr. Noc...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/14Vx7JMz2uo/

DNA and fetal tissue in vaccines.... Dr. Noc....  https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1B6nYZQfws/

Hep B placebo and safety...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/182D8nBqbY/

Quick comparison of vegan to meat diets...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/182dqo81TK/

Vaccines tested for autism...... https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1JKTkRttnW/

Ivermectin and cancer..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1CQCoA8vb3/

Calories in vs calories out myth..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1CHB6bRq7R/

Nutrient myth in raw milk..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/18R7uUxFjd/

Importance of dietary fiber..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17Bzs4z5Hd/

Hdl and ldl don't cause plaque myth..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17CR9Arc5V/

Why so early hepatitis B ..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1CqipQD76o/

Amount of aluminum in vaccines myth......  https://www.facebook.com/share/v/18UKYZtAT5/

Canola oil as engine lubricant myth...... https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1Hv8N4fN9E/

Oxylate claims...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/18kxPFVVcC/

Critism of the harvard carnivore diet..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1AypJeuow3/

Sanitation myth for drop in virus infections..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1EQuyVFdFv/       And...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Bv8HLszWM/

5day observation claim...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1EPd7RaXms/

Years after measles brain disease..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1EXawrqvr3/

Colloidal silver myth...... https://www.facebook.com/share/r/17pSXdfPmX

Impossible to observe every single instance.....

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1CwmvDGxb3/

Covid vaccine killing more than helping.... 

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/14myUnEYz6S/

Mrna vaccines change DNA...... https://www.facebook.com/share/p/18HsPdBYWB/

Autism has been studied a long time:

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/14kFUYiM4at/

"shot in the arm" pro vaccine film....... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17fi3h3qph/

Henry ford study critism. . . https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1BLogFcJhF/

Corona virus time line...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1JHYBP8rrE/

List of vaccine ingredients - Microsoft Word - Components-Excipients 24-1220 by Vaccine Type

Inconvient studyp debunked.... https://youtu.be/KhRZFw2DCBIsi=JRUzKZIlZ9DtSU_S

aluminum as an adjuvant...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1L49wHx646/

Turbo cancer debunked..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Bym2VkCtV/

Seed oils are better than saturated fat....... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/189ea7tahP/

Vaccine shedding - Vaccine Shedding: Facts, Myths, and More . . . How Does Vaccine Shedding Work and Is It Safe? - Biology Insights. . . . .Worried About Vaccine Shedding? Get Clear, Evidence-Based Answers for Your Family | Parenting Mentor. . . . . Shedding-Vaccine-Derived-Virus-Vaccination-02-19-25.pdf. . . . .

Senators research of ivermectin...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1JEh6tJhcF/

Too stupid to know your stupid .... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Dcid7vdE9/

Left over "tissue" in vaccines...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1EgFXaAJzR/

FAFO comment and responses.

Me -  You know what? Lets do it. Lets stop all vaccinations. Lets go back to like 1900 and let the chips fall where they may. Lets ignore all the research and millions of doses of vaccines and all the data collected over the decades. FAFO I say. 

We will have a decade or so of people with survivor bias riding on the back of herd immunity saying, "Ha! I told you so!" Then the vaccine preventable diseases will come back slowly but gain ground in the second decade. And then we will be in full blown 1900's like times where our life expectancy will drop significantly due to the increase in these diseases . 

And what is the risk to us today? Nothing really. Most of us are vaccinated. Right? It will take at least a decade or two for this to  happen. Probably more because there will be a lot of people still vaccinating, right? So.... We have no risk today. Our grandchildren though..... Or great grandchildren. 

It will be fascinating thought to experience.

Person #1----- Kobbled Krafts lmfaooooo you're so igornant I don't even know where to begin.

Please research before showcasing how igornant you are 🤣🙄🤦🏼‍♀️

Me --- to person #1------Ah yes. You must be one of those that hides in the arrogance of all the others keeping you safe. Or you hide behind the arrogance of already being vaccinated. Either way.... I think some one is projecting. 

Go ahead... Tell me how much "research" you have done. I can't wait to see all the Google degrees and 10 hour "Dr" degreed homeopaths, and chiropractors that are experts in immunology and virology and infectious diseases. I bet you will even cite Doctors that have been denied certification and licenses as being the gospel because it just feeds your bias. 

And you say I am showcasing my ignorance? 

Easy to say when there is no risk for you, huh?

Person #2-----Kobbled Krafts Let's go forward to the future where vaccines are optional. If you want one, you can get one. The research has been ignored for decades, and the data deliberately buried. The data clearly shows a dose response relationship between increasing vaccine doses and increasing endpoint chronic and fatal diseases. The fully vaccinated have a LOWER life expectancy than the completely unvaccinated. Let's go forward into the future where our grand children and great grandchildren are healthy, and are not constantly sick, and don't have chronic inflammation in their brains.  And since half of vaccines don't stop infection or transmission, the risk to us isn't nothing, just as the risk of those flu shots and covid shots weren't nothing. There is no herd immunity when a vaccine doesn't prevent infection or transmission. The vaccine preventable diseases are already back, or in some cases never left. You just don't test for them in asymptomatic carriers of disease.

Me----to person #2-----All of your claims are flat out untrue and can be verified to the contrary by many studies for each claim. I am not sure where your sources are but I can imagine they are limited in number, full of social media enhanced propagation. I am also guessing that since it definitely feeds your bias that you have no interest in proof counter claims or the non-existent proof of your claims.

The thing is, it can be difficult to actually find a source for your claims that is actually reputable, sound, backed by other people in the same field of study and has repeated results. On the other hand, it's very easy to find research and studies to the contrary. Take for instance your claim that unvaccinated people live longer ... That is demonstratively easy to counter claim. People are living longer (by like double the years) since vaccines have been used. 

Ah well, it's like I said. In order for us to truly understand how modern medicine has improved our lives .... In this case vaccines...... We will just have to keep going the way we are and wait a few decades. We are not really at any risk so it's easy to be arrogant at flat out believe the opposite of the already well known benefits of vaccination.

Person #2---- Kobbled Krafts It's called a base rate analysis. People are living longer since vaccines were introduced. Yes. HOWEVER, the unvaccinated live LONGER than the vaccinated do, regardless of when the data is collected. The hundreds of millions of data points are in agreement about the all cause mortality rates increasing with every vaccine dose above the general base rates of society. Even when the base rates change.

Everything you accused me of, you did yourself. That self-selection of social media propaganda, is what you do, not me. Cherry picking which experts to listen to, is what you do, not me. Ignoring inconvenient data which doesn't fit the myth that vaccines saved millions of lives, is what you do, not me. Science is data, not consensus, and not based on which expert is lying to you this time.

Me--- to person #2----- vaccines have saved millions of lives. I mean just take measles for example. Before the latest outbreaks in the last two or three years how many people actually died from measles say two decades before 2020? What about the number of people that have been hospitalized or had brain damage or been blind or any of the other complications of measles? And that's just measles.....

 If you're saying that vaccines have not saved lives and and help people to live longer than you're just in denial. 

Look at how many complications and hospitalizations come from the other ones. Look at pertussis or look at chicken pox or look at hepatitis or look at any of the vaccines. Hell smallpox has been eradicated from the earth because of vaccines and think about how many deaths were saved just from that! 

And that's not cherry picking or using social media.

And I truly would like to see the source you have for the claim that unvaccinated people have longer lives than vaccinated people even with the base difference. Cuz that would be interesting to see how they came to that conclusion

Person #3------ Kobbled Krafts CDC and WHO and every scientist across the world have ALL AGREED that the unvaccinated are , on a whole, healthier than the vaccinated. There's a reason that over 60% of our kids are prescribed at LEAST 1 , LIFELONG mood/ mind altering drug before they're even out of elementary school.

Me ----- to person #3------ Bull. Where is your proof of that? Your just making that up or its something pulled it out of their ass. The CDC, WHO, AND every scientist do not say unvaccinated are healthier. That is straight up lying and making shit up. 

And don't you think the reason so many kids have mood medicine is because of the decay of the nuclear family, poverty, and social media? Ah.... But then those things don't fit your narrative, now do they?

I have been hiding something

 

I think I am ready to write about this, 

I have kept this to myself for a few years, and I didn't want anyone to know. I have been hiding this like someone hides the fact they are anemic or suicidal. So here it goes. . . . 

I struggled with intrusive and invasive thoughts of self-harm. 

It started when after my son went to the hospital for suicide watch the second time. I started to have these thoughts that would creep into my mind of "I wonder".

They started with extremely brief urges when I was working out in my shop or at school. I would be using my hammer on something and then I would look at my hand and get this urge to just swing and hit it. Like I would actually seriously contemplate swinging the hammer down and hitting my own hand. Or maybe it was a moment in my classroom when I was using the scissors cuttle paper or string or whatever it was and then I envisioned what it would look like or feel like if I just put the scissors to the second knuckle of the index finger of my left hand and squeezed hard.  Or maybe I would get the urge to just touch the tip of my finger to the running blade of my table saw. It would be very brief and then the feeling would vanish as fast as it appeared and I would continue on with my project. 

But as time went on and my struggles with my son and his mental health continued and deepened in intensity, I would have these thoughts more often. And I found myself pausing longer and longer while I fought the urge to carry through with it. I remember one day I was using my table saw and I had this urge to just make a fist and push it into the blade when the saw was on. I was fighting the urge internally and rebelling in my mind with the thought of it. I remember the feeling of my mind locking up with these thoughts as if there was literally a wrestling match going on in my head. When I looked down to my hand and realized it was balled into a fist. It startled me a little. I thought - what the hell was I doing? I shut the saw off and then quit for the day.

Then I noticed that I would hurt myself more often. It was not a matter of purposely hurting myself but more of a matter of not necessarily being as cautious as I normally am. I am just normally a pretty clumsy person and I am very deliberate and careful when using my tools and building things since I hurt myself unintentionally. . . like a lot. Well, I was becoming aware that I wasn't taking as much care as I normally do. I think I was being riskier in my choices like when I was putting lumber though the saw or with my reach or things like that. This is when I would get minor cuts and abrasions and bruises when in the past, I would normally avoid those things. It was very apparent when I came in from mowing the lawn one day. I took a shower and when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, honest to God it looked like I was flogged on both my front and back. I had run under the trees and near the bushes of the yard with no concern of all to the branches and limbs that were tearing at me. I had welts and bruises. There were several welts that were so serious that they had red raspberry spots that looked as if they were ready to ooze blood. I paused and just stared at myself thinking . . . reveling . . . . at the idea that I didn't feel a thing when I was mowing. Because . . . . those had to hurt when they happened. How odd. 

That was when I knew I had a real issue. I took time to really search my feelings and looked for what was driving these thoughts and intrusions. The only thing I could think of is that I was hurting and struggling inside my chest and mind so much that I was wondering how much pain and suffering it would take to match the pain and suffering I felt inside. Or I was rolling this issue with my son with such focus that I didn't pay any head to anything that was going on around me. I didn't experience physical pain with the stress and anxiety, but the signs were there. My tremors and my heart and the rigidity of my body. I had lost that feeling of joy that I held so dear, and I didn't feel like laughing or smiling or even talking sometimes. And that was when I think I was becoming really aware that I was truly suffering . . .  and suffering in silence.

Looking back, I think my wife could tell. She would say something every once in a while. She had no idea how bad it was, but she could tell. I was actively keeping this from her. I was more myself when I was physically with her and I really would hover around her just for that support I was seeking. It bothered me to be like that, and I wrestled with it for a long time. I spent less time in my shop and doing projects. I would stay in the house and close to my wife. I didn’t want to tempt a chance of actually having a weak moment. I know I should have sought help, but I was already paying so much money and expending so much effort and energy for my son that I decided to go it alone so that I could focus more of my resources on him.

So here we are after years of these struggles with my son and I am doing better. He is now working full time and seems to be making progress. I don't have a constant 24/7 fear for his well being. He is treating me better and I am feeling better about the whole thing. I have not had these intrusive thoughts in several months. Not one. I have been working in my shop again and my focus is back and my drive to create has renewed in me. 

And that is why I feel it is time to come clean. I know I should not have kept this to myself and that I really needed to seek help because I could have easily had a moment of weakness that probably would have been a life altering catastrophic event. I just didn't want to spend the money on me and worry my wife more than she was already so caught up with everything I was caught up with. Stupid reasons, I know, and I look back and also know that I was taking a real risk with those episodes. 

I will say though that I don't feel that way anymore, and I have not had those intrusive thoughts for a long time. Man, it is so crazy to think that I had the real threat of my mind and emotions taking control of my actions like that. It is such a scary thought to me while I am actually putting this down on paper. I read through this journal writing and I still can't see myself as "one of those" but I can't deny that it was happening. 

Trauma sure can mess a person up, huh?

FAFO period of our history.

 After paying attention to the news in the last year or two I have come to the conclusion that we are in the FAFO period of our society. (You know... Frick around and find out ... For a lack of a better word)

No kidding. I truly think that we have raised a generation or two of people that have been constantly told that whatever their ideas and feelings were, even if they were wrong, that they were completely valid and that they were okay with feeling that way and that they were always right. Not only that, everybody else was told that we should be feeling the same way! And Lord help us if we had a different opinion...... We were racist or intolerant or we got "canceled". 

Then you throw into the mix social media and this new influencer trend, and bingo, you got a bunch of young people that feel like they know everything without actually knowing anything. I mean, it's okay to question what you know is true but then there's also a point where taking one source or unsubstantiated sources and then building your whole identity and belief construct around it that kind of seems self-destructive. Don't you think?

The best example of this is vaccines and the medical field. Honest to goodness! People feel that vaccines are killing more people than they are saving. And I have no idea how they have been conned into believing that. I mean look at the rates of measles....... and People are starting to deny vitamin k shots to babies. That means we're going to have more babies dying from brain bleeds. We're going to have people that are going to be disabled or have lifelong complications due to measles. And it won't take long but polio is right behind it..... probably. All kinds of cancers from HPV popping up again and chicken pox will take hold again and a whole lot of other issues that we haven't seen in decades and decades because people are deciding not to vaccinate their kids anymore. And then we will see a lot of people suffering. 

So, you want to go against decades worth of research and scientific conclusions? You want to believe that getting measles is much less riskier than getting the vaccinations? Okay. You want to argue that sea salt is some kind of miracle supplement compared to table salt when they really have no difference hardly at all? Okay. You truly think that eating an all meat diet is going to make you the healthiest person ever? Okay. You think turning the food pyramid on it's top will cause people to eat better and make our society more healthy? Okay. You honestly think that raw milk is some type of God's perfect food? Okay. You truly think that these congressmen and congresswomen and the president is making your life better? Okay. Still waiting for those food prices and gas prices and medicines and prices on necessary goods to drop because " they " say they will? Okay. You think those chiropractors and functional health, or whatever those fake degrees are called, are really experts in their "field" when they haven't hardly spent any years studying or practicing in the field they are commenting on? Okay.

Okay..... Go ahead and follow them. Do exactly what they say. 

In the end.....you can FAFO.

But I won't. 

Man, the outside world must be shaking their head and laughing at us...... American arrogance. There's nothing like it.

Family therapy VI

 It has been a while. There have been several family therapies since that last time I checked in. A lot has happened since the last time I made an entry here but I have made a couple written journal entries. 

Since the last time, my son has wrecked his car. It was a pretty tense time. He was rear ended while he was going to his grandpa's. We told him to stay home and save his gas, but he didn't listen to us. When he stopped for a construction vehicle, the person behind him just rammed him from behind. So, my wife and I struggled with the whole  .... if he would have just listened to us. . .  and it was not his fault - the guy didn't even hit his brakes. You know. We just wish we didn't have to go through all this. In the end, we were in a mess since we didn't have the money to replace his car. 

But, the good Lord was looking down on us. the insurance of the other guy paid out enough to get another car. then we were trying to find a decent car for what we got paid out for. That is crazy in today's age. A decent car is not less than 3000 dollars and it has like a 100,000 miles on it! It was crazy to be junk car shopping. I hated it. But we found one. It ended up needed a bit of work on it and some new parts but I think maybe it will be workable. 

What really came of all this was the therapy after the month or two of interlude. 

The therapist want to have a reset and see how we were doing and requested that we see him separately before we started again.  When he met with me, it came out that I was still holding onto a lot of trauma and memories that needed to be dealt with. He told me that my descriptions and emotion when reliving those episodes were too intense for them being so long ago. He also told me that I needed to keep my distance from my son so that I didn't have triggers that sent me back to those memories. 

So, was a point that I started to pull back a little. it was hard and I knew that I needed space and distance but it is never that easy with him. He needed his car worked on and he hit a brick mailbox that I had to deal with and he had this job that was not a good one and the court was pressuring him. The tension was getting higher. 

It was at this time that my wife and I were talking about when to cut him off from our financial support. I didn't realize how much we were paying for him, but it is substantial.  It's enough to really cause me issues. So, we set in palace a plana and a hard line for the day. It would be the first of the year . . . . about 8 months from now.

Then I went up to Ma and Dad's for a few days. Just myself since everyone else had school. When I was up there, my son called and said he had a new job at Goodwill. 

And I broke down. 

It was like the Good Lord stepped in again and let this happen to calm my spirit a little. I didn't know how much shame and guilt I had for planning to cut off my son but it was weighing on me a bit. When he told me he had the job and all the things that Goodwill would do for him - insurance, housing assistance, benefits, and all - it was like all the tension of throwing him out to the wolves with nothing to work towards just melted away. 

And here we are. He seems to be doing great at his job and everyone is praising him and encouraging him. He likes his job and he talks about it a lot. It has been a week and he seems happy. For him, that is extraordinary. It is a good sign. 

Me? I have had one session of therapy where I relived a bad memory with my son and I really don't like it. I think that is what we are going to be doing is having me relive these memories I have while I am guided by the therapist. Will it help me? I am not sure but I am going to give it a try. 

One thing I know for sure is that I have been feeling better - mentally and Physically- that I have for a long time. I am feeling more like myself that I have in a long time. 

And that is something, eh?

The wallet

 I read this and had to save it. ..... This is what my son jus posted to his facebook.

This is a picture of my wallet I wanted to share this tonight because I'm feeling like shit. I've been reading this inscription in my wallet all over and over again the past couple weeks I'm not doing well guys. My grandmother is dying. I'm stuck in a fucking halfway house. The court is putting ever loving pressure on me everyday to the point where they're starting to threaten me with jail for everything. I have no energy to do anything. No motivation. No appetite. I haven't been eating. I haven't been sleeping even though I spend all day in bed. I still don't have a job even though I've applied to well over a hundred places in the past 2 months. . . five places a day religiously. My parents are in financial distress and I'm feeling more alone than ever. Most people turn to religion. I lost my faith in religion a long time ago and the more shit that keeps happening to me, the more and more I think there just cannot be a god that cares. He created us and he's doing nothing with us until we die. I don't believe in Jesus anymore. The Bible is a farce. All of this suffering I've done this last year and in the beginning of this year. I am just so tired. My grandmother had a heart attack today. She's back in the hospital for what is probably the fifth or sixth time in the past 2 months. I sat in with a doctor Thursday, New Year's Day, and listened to them tell me and my grandfather that her heart is covered in scars and that her best advice was to put her on as much fucking medicine as they could and let her eat whatever the hell she wants because she may not have as much time left. But now it's really striking me hard because she's probably entering the end of her life and she's one of the few support systems I had left. Hell my other grandparents and family on my dad's side won't even talk to me after all the jail shit. I try to keep positive, but I can't do it anymore. Please pray for me and most of all pray for Grandma. I don't know what good it will do. I've been praying all this time and nothing's getting better. I've been praying since I went to jail the first time. God never answers my prayers and that's why I believe he doesn't care about me. Anyway, I'm taking a break this week. I don't know what I'm going to do with my time . . . probably just lay in bed because I don't have the strength to do anything else.

I keep reading this and then I look back at the whole history of how he got to this point in his life. then I look at what I have done to guide and support him during that same time frame. It is hard to see this knowing that a lot of how he is doing right now and how he is feeling right now culminated from a long series of poor choices and choosing to miss the opportunities I offered him. 

When you talk to him, he is very compelling with his story, and he weaves a talk of me not supporting him and not caring about his well-being. He talks about how I don't understand his Autism and how I was not giving him the tools and understand he needed. He will say that I forced him to or that I am the reason for or that I abused him mentally or emotionally. . . . 

He says a lot. But he will not acknowledge all that I have done for him. He will not acknowledge all that I provided for him. He will now acknowledge all the time and effort and money and tears and pain I poured out for him.

He will not acknowledge how much he has caused my mental health to suffer. How much my emotional well being has been eroded. How much I have suffered . . . . in silence and quiet stoicism. 

And now I am broken and a little lost and more anxious than I ever have been. 

The I read this passage again. I read it and think - -  - How the hell did I get to this point? Where did it all go off the rails? 

That - - - that is the thing that eats away at me every moment of every day . . . .