Monday, August 10, 2026

Checking sources and Fauci

 

You know, I have traded only a couple of comments with a person on Facebook about Dr. Fauci and whether or not he is guilty or not of a crime. So here is the exchange:

Him - The studies of policies that supposedly reduced transmission has bad methodology. Lockdowns caused more harm than they helped prevent harm. I don't have "questions" that Fauci was wrong, I have evidence he was wrong and lied. If you cannot acknowledge that, you don't deserve the trust of the public, and your public health policies will be rejected even when you may be correct in the future.

When you say not everything RFK says is true that's accurate. We all notice you didn't say that about Fauci though even though the same standard applies.

 

Me-  'he was wrong and lied" is the issue, isn't it? Many countries had the recommendations and lockdowns in place before the U.S. even started. And as time went on and numbers came in, recommendations changed along with a lot of politicalization, social media fear mongering, and people pushing unproven treatments...... Health officials were being smothered and yelled over.

So, the issue was.... Did Fauci have the best up to date current best practices and purposely choose not to follow them? That would be negligence. Did politicians make mandates and recommendations based on his guidance in good faith? If not, That would be negligence for the politicians. In the end, I truly don't believe that Dr. Fauci was being malicious at all. He was just doing the best he could with what little he was given.

 

Him - Yes Fauci lied. Negligently. Maliciously. On purpose. His diary proves it. As does his actions and the people he was funding and promoting prior, during, and after the pandemic response. I don't "feel" or "believe" this. I know this. These are facts. That is what the evidence says.

 

Me - ok.... Give me the proof from his diary then .... Give me the dates to look at and not cherry picked phrases like people do with the Bible.

 

Him - sure. He said in his diary February of 2020 that the mortality rate was 0.1 to 0.3%. in congressional testimony in that same month, he said it was 3%. That's a fearmongering lie used to serve his agenda and gain power.

 ----------

Ok, so this is more than I usually get from any commenter. They usually say something like “do your own research” or “if you are too stupid to look something so easy to find then I am not going to do it for you” or “You are just a shill” or some dismissive statement like that.

 

But this guy, he actually gave me something I can go and look at for myself. So here it is –

 

The diary entry from February 8, 2020- ----Tom Frieden called me this AM and we discussed various aspects of the outbreak. He and I are on the same page in thinking tht (sic) this is acting like a bad influenza in its transmissibility and that the denominator is much greater than 34,867 (above) making the case fatality rate (CFR) more like 0.2-0.3 % rather than 2.0%

 And ---

The statement of the same topic from COMMITTEE ON OVERSIGHT AND REFORM HOUSE OF REPRESENTATIVES ONE HUNDRED SIXTEENTH CONGRESS – March 11, 2020 page 29.

 

So, it clearly is not as lethal, and I will get to the lethality in a moment, but it certainly spreads better. Probably for the prac tical (sic) understanding of the American people, the seasonal flu that we deal with every year has a mortality of 0.1 percent. The stated mortality over all of this when you look at all the data including China is about three percent. It first started off as two and now three. I think if you count all the cases of minimally symptomatic or asymptomatic infection, that probably brings the mortality rate down to somewhere around one percent, which means it is 10 times more lethal than the seasonal flu.

----

So, here is the real question. . . Did Fauci lie with the specific intent to do harm, manipulate, or gain power?

Well, read the statements.

Fauci said that he was “on the same page in thinking that. . . . “ . . . . in thinking . . . .

Does that sound like he was confident or making a determination based on evidence? Nope. He was just bouncing ideas off of his friend and trying to figure out where this virus was heading. No only that, he was making predictions based on what he already knew about the Flu virus because the Corona Virus was in the same family and that is all he had to go on at the time.

Then a few days more than a month later . . . over a month later . . . . He is in front of a senate hearing and giving his statements of expertise. Realize that a month with this virus is a long time and data was pouring in fast and daily - - -

He starts with current data – “The stated mortality over all of this when you look at all the data including China is about three percent.” This is not a conjecture or guess. It is a calculation given the numbers that have been reported up to this point.

But then – he goes on to make a reasonable assumption based on his prior experience – “I think if you count all the cases of minimally symptomatic or asymptomatic infection, that probably brings the mortality rate down to somewhere around one percent” He knows that there are a lot of undocumented cases because of asymptomatic infections so he makes a modified best prediction on the more conservative side.

Look, a diary is not a researched and verified piece of documentation. It is a place where you keep notes and brainstorm ideas. Then that is taken to the lab or data and numbers are taken in so that you can crunch the stats to support conclusions. He was just bouncing ideas back and forth with a colleague in an attempt to figure out what was in the best interest of the American people – in this case – how deadly this virus was. Did he write a different idea than what he gave as testimony in the Senate Hearing over a month later? Yeah. Not doubt. Did he purposely lie with the intent to misguide or give negligent info in an attempt to gain power or purposely harm innocent people? No. There is no evidence of that.

And that is the point, isn’t it? That is what this whole thing is about – intent. If Fauci was purposely giving false information with the intent to do harm then yeah – he should be charge with negligence. But you can see with this example that he had no intent to do harm. In fact he was avidly trying to do his best to figure out how to do the opposite and he used all his considerable contacts and resources to do the best he could under the circumstances he had.

And here is where people really show the worst part of humanity....... They gravitate towards anger, hostility, and violence. And then with no looking or verification, they take what they hear that identifies with those feelings and parrots them back like the skipping of a broken record.


Look at the comment or in the beginning of this blog - " I have evidence he was wrong and lied. If you cannot acknowledge that, you don't deserve the trust of the public".    

"you don't deserve the trust of the public"...... And when I looked up the actual text and read the actual passages that he gave as a source, his claim was pretty weak. I saw no lies. I saw no purposeful intent for harm. I saw a lot of predictive language and conjecture based on evidence and experience. That is not lying, it is working with a real unknown virus in real time. 

As I am finding though, the average online social media comment or is not really knowledgeable about science procedure and scientific methodology. 

This is hands down just regurgitation of what his news source or media source has fed him. I can pretty much garuntee he did not go to the original sources and read them for himself. And that is where the truth lies. He just had someone agree with him because he wants to promote anger and hostility. He gets attention for that and it makes him feel validated to be able to bait people. 

And what was his response to my comment? Well, here it is - " If you want medicine to gain any credibility back, you'll have to do a lot better than that."

All I hear in my head reading this is  PeeWee Herman chanting, "I know you are bit what am I?" 

I mean, there really is nothing more to say, right? They have nothing. 

So, I ended it with this final response - "Aaron Voss At least I didn't just believe what your lackeys and bias feeding social media spoon fed me. I went straight to the actual source material and read it for myself. Then I quoted it verbatim to prove my claim. If all you got is "you'll have to do better than that", without any references or quoted material from original sources, then you are as shallow as the crap they post on social media you repeat like their pet parrot. 


" you'll have to do better than that"..... Weak. Very weak."


" you'll have to do better than that"..... Weak. Very weak."

Friday, August 7, 2026

Info on Thimerosal and EPA claim

 

I am only going to respond to the first claim since it will take bit to debate –

First, one of the common tactics of the anti-vaccine camp to disprove the safety of vaccines is to start with something that is true and then exaggerate it to being untrue or explaining it with false conclusions.

For example – right off the bat, you claim that thimerosal is 50% mercury by weight. That is absolutely true, but the conclusion you made from it  - EPA’s Thresh hold for it is 200ppb of this mercury which is (taking from context) Thimerosal.

But, when you visit the EPA website, they don’t have information about Thimerosal at all. Not even their search engine (which is called ComTox). Their page refers you to the FDA page on Thimerosal with basically says the amount in vaccines is safe.

This is where the “dose makes the poison” becomes important. Because this measurement (which cannot be found on the EPA website) would be used to give recommendations for continued exposure over many years in drinking water. Measured in concentration . . . Not the mass in one dose of a vaccine. So, basically, you are taking a truth and not applying it to the same mode of exposure. Then you are making an unfounded conclusion that injecting the thimerosal directly into the body is worse and bypasses the filtering organs. And that is only conjecture based on no evidence. You say it is 32, 500 ppb. . . but again that is only a concentration and not a mass dose. How much mass in is that dose at that 32,000ppb and is it enough to cause the harm you are claiming?

Well, if we look at Lethal Dose calculations which is the amount it takes to kill a person, it is about 75mg/kg. (taken from the SDS) That means for each kilogram of weight, you would need 75mg or more of Thimerosal to kill the organism. So, lets do a bit of math – Let’s say a baby was born as a preemie and only weighed like 4 lbs. It would take 75mg per kg to kill that baby. That would mean you would need 135mg of Thimerisal to kill the baby = 135000 micrograms. I say micrograms because the amount of Thimerisal in a vaccine  - - 50micrograms. 50. Compared to 135,000 that is the amount that will kill. And that is an underweight baby.

But wait! You may bring up the point that you are not talking about how much it takes to kill a baby, you are talking about how much would be needed just to cause developmental issues like autism or delayed brain development. . . right? Well, you are right but I bet they have done a lot of studies on it –

Association Between Thimerosal-Containing Vaccine and Autism | Autism Spectrum Disorders | JAMA | JAMA Network

Immunization Safety Review: Vaccines and Autism - PubMed

Thimerosal-containing vaccines and autistic spectrum disorder: a critical review of published original data - PubMed

Does thimerosal or other mercury exposure increase the risk for autism? A review of current literature - PubMed

 

Other Resources:

Frequent Questions about Regulations that Affect the Management and Disposal of Mercury-Containing Light Bulbs (Lamps) | Universal Waste | US EPA

 

Thimerosal in Vaccines | US EPA

 

Thimerosal and Vaccines | Vaccine Safety | CDC

Friday, July 24, 2026

Saline Placebo trials.

 https://www.aap.org/en/news-room/fact-checked/fact-checked-childhood-vaccines-are-carefully-studiedincluding-with-placebosto-ensure-theyre-safe-and-effective/

https://www.politifact.com/factchecks/2025/jan/02/ron-johnson/yes-there-have-been-placebo-controlled-studies-on/

https://www.chop.edu/vaccine-update-healthcare-professionals/newsletter/75-years-placebo-controlled-vaccine-testing-us

https://docs.google.com/spreadsheets/d/1bX4SAJwMUufNAkBplhKHOIe4gdI0BeRhpAXM5hpfV_Y/edit?pli=1&gid=0#gid=0

People are omnivores - 

Are Humans Herbivores or Omnivores? - Center for Nutrition Studies


Humans are Omnivores - Evidence - Biology Online Archive Article


Are humans meant to be carnivores or omnivores? - The Institute for Environmental Research and Education


The Dangers of The Carnivore Diet | Upgraded Health


The carnivore diet: What eating only meat does to your health, a nutritionist explains | BBC Science Focus Magazine


Long-term Health Concerns Of The Carnivore Diet - For Health Care Professionals GlobalRPH


The Carnivore Diet: What Does the Evidence Say? - Center for Nutrition Studies


Covid vaccines and causing death - 

No Evidence Excess Deaths Linked to Vaccines, Contrary to Claims Online - FactCheck.org


Mortality risk after COVID-19 vaccination: A self-controlled case series study - ScienceDirect


COVID Vaccine Death Rate: What the Official Data Shows - Biology Insights


placebo trials - - - https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1FKp1PeQpF/

and this one. . . . .https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1C56MWDHqG/

Hepiritus b vaccine 


Y r u lying literally in every video?


860 subjects, 15 days recording and 7 months analysing.

https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/18690015/


They followed for a year

https://www.sciencedirect.com/science/article/abs/pii/0264410X9500118K


1178 for one year

https://clinicaltrials.gov/study/NCT00414050


Trial on the older population

https://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.4161/hv.7.12.18333


https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/11335734/


https://www.hepatitisb.uw.edu/page/treatment/drugs/recombivax-hb/references


I leave it to u to search for the rest and study them.


Fiber video https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1K6WbgxCLv/


Seed oils cause skin cancer and the sun does not - 

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17sW34LaTe/


Fiber is good - https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1Cng47SZ2n/


High meat diets increase cancer - - -https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1GJvAJhVaD/


Inuit and disease - -  https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1bXz1koyoW/


Soy protein argument..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1MM6jMmR26/


Everything about Polio - - - -https://pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/32644370/?utm_source=chatgpt.com


Difference between fighting bacteria and viruses.....  https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Bzy2qryQk/


Vivid vaccine caused more injury than vivid itsrlf.  https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Bzin12P8T/


Raw milk...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1HVXm6jfkm/


Vaccine safety testing.......  https://www.facebook.com/share/r/187KaqBjU2/

Vaccine placebo trials.... Dr. Noc...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/14Vx7JMz2uo/


DNA and fetal tissue in vaccines.... Dr. Noc....  https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1B6nYZQfws/


Hep B placebo and safety...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/182D8nBqbY/


Quick comparison of vegan to meat diets...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/182dqo81TK/


Vaccines tested for autism...... https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1JKTkRttnW/

Ivermectin and cancer..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1CQCoA8vb3/


Calories in vs calories out myth..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1CHB6bRq7R/

Nutrient myth in raw milk..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/18R7uUxFjd/

Importance of dietary fiber..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17Bzs4z5Hd/

Hdl and ldl don't cause plaque myth..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17CR9Arc5V/

Why so early hepatitis B ..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1CqipQD76o/

Amount of aluminum in vaccines myth......  https://www.facebook.com/share/v/18UKYZtAT5/

Canola oil as engine lubricant myth...... https://www.facebook.com/share/r/1Hv8N4fN9E/

Oxylate claims...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/18kxPFVVcC/

Critism of the harvard carnivore diet..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1AypJeuow3/

Sanitation myth for drop in virus infections..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1EQuyVFdFv/       And...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Bv8HLszWM/

5day observation claim...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1EPd7RaXms/

Years after measles brain disease..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1EXawrqvr3/

Colloidal silver myth...... https://www.facebook.com/share/r/17pSXdfPmX

Impossible to observe every single instance.....

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1CwmvDGxb3/

Covid vaccine killing more than helping.... 

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/14myUnEYz6S/

Mrna vaccines change DNA...... https://www.facebook.com/share/p/18HsPdBYWB/

Autism has been studied a long time:

https://www.facebook.com/share/v/14kFUYiM4at/

"shot in the arm" pro vaccine film....... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/17fi3h3qph/

Henry ford study critism. . . https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1BLogFcJhF/

Corona virus time line...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1JHYBP8rrE/

List of vaccine ingredients - Microsoft Word - Components-Excipients 24-1220 by Vaccine Type

Inconvient studyp debunked.... https://youtu.be/KhRZFw2DCBIsi=JRUzKZIlZ9DtSU_S

aluminum as an adjuvant...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1L49wHx646/

Turbo cancer debunked..... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Bym2VkCtV/

Seed oils are better than saturated fat....... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/189ea7tahP/

Vaccine shedding - Vaccine Shedding: Facts, Myths, and More . . . How Does Vaccine Shedding Work and Is It Safe? - Biology Insights. . . . .Worried About Vaccine Shedding? Get Clear, Evidence-Based Answers for Your Family | Parenting Mentor. . . . . Shedding-Vaccine-Derived-Virus-Vaccination-02-19-25.pdf. . . . .

Senators research of ivermectin...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1JEh6tJhcF/

Too stupid to know your stupid .... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1Dcid7vdE9/

Left over "tissue" in vaccines...... https://www.facebook.com/share/v/1EgFXaAJzR/

Tuesday, May 19, 2026

FAFO comment and responses.

Me -  You know what? Lets do it. Lets stop all vaccinations. Lets go back to like 1900 and let the chips fall where they may. Lets ignore all the research and millions of doses of vaccines and all the data collected over the decades. FAFO I say. 


We will have a decade or so of people with survivor bias riding on the back of herd immunity saying, "Ha! I told you so!" Then the vaccine preventable diseases will come back slowly but gain ground in the second decade. And then we will be in full blown 1900's like times where our life expectancy will drop significantly due to the increase in these diseases . 


And what is the risk to us today? Nothing really. Most of us are vaccinated. Right? It will take at least a decade or two for this to  happen. Probably more because there will be a lot of people still vaccinating, right? So.... We have no risk today. Our grandchildren though..... Or great grandchildren. 


It will be fascinating thought to experience.


Person #1----- Kobbled Krafts lmfaooooo you're so igornant I don't even know where to begin.


Please research before showcasing how igornant you are 🤣🙄🤦🏼‍♀️


Me --- to person #1------Ah yes. You must be one of those that hides in the arrogance of all the others keeping you safe. Or you hide behind the arrogance of already being vaccinated. Either way.... I think some one is projecting. 


Go ahead... Tell me how much "research" you have done. I can't wait to see all the Google degrees and 10 hour "Dr" degreed homeopaths, and chiropractors that are experts in immunology and virology and infectious diseases. I bet you will even cite Doctors that have been denied certification and licenses as being the gospel because it just feeds your bias. 


And you say I am showcasing my ignorance? 


Easy to say when there is no risk for you, huh?


Person #2-----Kobbled Krafts Let's go forward to the future where vaccines are optional. If you want one, you can get one. The research has been ignored for decades, and the data deliberately buried. The data clearly shows a dose response relationship between increasing vaccine doses and increasing endpoint chronic and fatal diseases. The fully vaccinated have a LOWER life expectancy than the completely unvaccinated. Let's go forward into the future where our grand children and great grandchildren are healthy, and are not constantly sick, and don't have chronic inflammation in their brains.  And since half of vaccines don't stop infection or transmission, the risk to us isn't nothing, just as the risk of those flu shots and covid shots weren't nothing. There is no herd immunity when a vaccine doesn't prevent infection or transmission. The vaccine preventable diseases are already back, or in some cases never left. You just don't test for them in asymptomatic carriers of disease.


Me----to person #2-----All of your claims are flat out untrue and can be verified to the contrary by many studies for each claim. I am not sure where your sources are but I can imagine they are limited in number, full of social media enhanced propagation. I am also guessing that since it definitely feeds your bias that you have no interest in proof counter claims or the non-existent proof of your claims.

The thing is, it can be difficult to actually find a source for your claims that is actually reputable, sound, backed by other people in the same field of study and has repeated results. On the other hand, it's very easy to find research and studies to the contrary. Take for instance your claim that unvaccinated people live longer ... That is demonstratively easy to counter claim. People are living longer (by like double the years) since vaccines have been used. 


Ah well, it's like I said. In order for us to truly understand how modern medicine has improved our lives .... In this case vaccines...... We will just have to keep going the way we are and wait a few decades. We are not really at any risk so it's easy to be arrogant at flat out believe the opposite of the already well known benefits of vaccination.


Person #2---- Kobbled Krafts It's called a base rate analysis. People are living longer since vaccines were introduced. Yes. HOWEVER, the unvaccinated live LONGER than the vaccinated do, regardless of when the data is collected. The hundreds of millions of data points are in agreement about the all cause mortality rates increasing with every vaccine dose above the general base rates of society. Even when the base rates change.


Everything you accused me of, you did yourself. That self-selection of social media propaganda, is what you do, not me. Cherry picking which experts to listen to, is what you do, not me. Ignoring inconvenient data which doesn't fit the myth that vaccines saved millions of lives, is what you do, not me. Science is data, not consensus, and not based on which expert is lying to you this time.


Me--- to person #2----- vaccines have saved millions of lives. I mean just take measles for example. Before the latest outbreaks in the last two or three years how many people actually died from measles say two decades before 2020? What about the number of people that have been hospitalized or had brain damage or been blind or any of the other complications of measles? And that's just measles.....

 If you're saying that vaccines have not saved lives and and help people to live longer than you're just in denial. 


Look at how many complications and hospitalizations come from the other ones. Look at pertussis or look at chicken pox or look at hepatitis or look at any of the vaccines. Hell smallpox has been eradicated from the earth because of vaccines and think about how many deaths were saved just from that! 


And that's not cherry picking or using social media.


And I truly would like to see the source you have for the claim that unvaccinated people have longer lives than vaccinated people even with the base difference. Cuz that would be interesting to see how they came to that conclusion

Person #3------ Kobbled Krafts CDC and WHO and every scientist across the world have ALL AGREED that the unvaccinated are , on a whole, healthier than the vaccinated. There's a reason that over 60% of our kids are prescribed at LEAST 1 , LIFELONG mood/ mind altering drug before they're even out of elementary school.


Me ----- to person #3------ Bull. Where is your proof of that? Your just making that up or its something pulled it out of their ass. The CDC, WHO, AND every scientist do not say unvaccinated are healthier. That is straight up lying and making shit up. 


And don't you think the reason so many kids have mood medicine is because of the decay of the nuclear family, poverty, and social media? Ah.... But then those things don't fit your narrative, now do they?




Thursday, May 14, 2026

I have been hiding something

 

I think I am ready to write about this, 

I have kept this to myself for a few years, and I didn't want anyone to know. I have been hiding this like someone hides the fact they are anemic or suicidal. So here it goes. . . . 

I struggled with intrusive and invasive thoughts of self-harm. 

It started when after my son went to the hospital for suicide watch the second time. I started to have these thoughts that would creep into my mind of "I wonder".

They started with extremely brief urges when I was working out in my shop or at school. I would be using my hammer on something and then I would look at my hand and get this urge to just swing and hit it. Like I would actually seriously contemplate swinging the hammer down and hitting my own hand. Or maybe it was a moment in my classroom when I was using the scissors cuttle paper or string or whatever it was and then I envisioned what it would look like or feel like if I just put the scissors to the second knuckle of the index finger of my left hand and squeezed hard.  Or maybe I would get the urge to just touch the tip of my finger to the running blade of my table saw. It would be very brief and then the feeling would vanish as fast as it appeared and I would continue on with my project. 

But as time went on and my struggles with my son and his mental health continued and deepened in intensity, I would have these thoughts more often. And I found myself pausing longer and longer while I fought the urge to carry through with it. I remember one day I was using my table saw and I had this urge to just make a fist and push it into the blade when the saw was on. I was fighting the urge internally and rebelling in my mind with the thought of it. I remember the feeling of my mind locking up with these thoughts as if there was literally a wrestling match going on in my head. When I looked down to my hand and realized it was balled into a fist. It startled me a little. I thought - what the hell was I doing? I shut the saw off and then quit for the day.

Then I noticed that I would hurt myself more often. It was not a matter of purposely hurting myself but more of a matter of not necessarily being as cautious as I normally am. I am just normally a pretty clumsy person and I am very deliberate and careful when using my tools and building things since I hurt myself unintentionally. . . like a lot. Well, I was becoming aware that I wasn't taking as much care as I normally do. I think I was being riskier in my choices like when I was putting lumber though the saw or with my reach or things like that. This is when I would get minor cuts and abrasions and bruises when in the past, I would normally avoid those things. It was very apparent when I came in from mowing the lawn one day. I took a shower and when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, honest to God it looked like I was flogged on both my front and back. I had run under the trees and near the bushes of the yard with no concern of all to the branches and limbs that were tearing at me. I had welts and bruises. There were several welts that were so serious that they had red raspberry spots that looked as if they were ready to ooze blood. I paused and just stared at myself thinking . . . reveling . . . . at the idea that I didn't feel a thing when I was mowing. Because . . . . those had to hurt when they happened. How odd. 

That was when I knew I had a real issue. I took time to really search my feelings and looked for what was driving these thoughts and intrusions. The only thing I could think of is that I was hurting and struggling inside my chest and mind so much that I was wondering how much pain and suffering it would take to match the pain and suffering I felt inside. Or I was rolling this issue with my son with such focus that I didn't pay any head to anything that was going on around me. I didn't experience physical pain with the stress and anxiety, but the signs were there. My tremors and my heart and the rigidity of my body. I had lost that feeling of joy that I held so dear, and I didn't feel like laughing or smiling or even talking sometimes. And that was when I think I was becoming really aware that I was truly suffering . . .  and suffering in silence.

Looking back, I think my wife could tell. She would say something every once in a while. She had no idea how bad it was, but she could tell. I was actively keeping this from her. I was more myself when I was physically with her and I really would hover around her just for that support I was seeking. It bothered me to be like that, and I wrestled with it for a long time. I spent less time in my shop and doing projects. I would stay in the house and close to my wife. I didn’t want to tempt a chance of actually having a weak moment. I know I should have sought help, but I was already paying so much money and expending so much effort and energy for my son that I decided to go it alone so that I could focus more of my resources on him.

So here we are after years of these struggles with my son and I am doing better. He is now working full time and seems to be making progress. I don't have a constant 24/7 fear for his well being. He is treating me better and I am feeling better about the whole thing. I have not had these intrusive thoughts in several months. Not one. I have been working in my shop again and my focus is back and my drive to create has renewed in me. 

And that is why I feel it is time to come clean. I know I should not have kept this to myself and that I really needed to seek help because I could have easily had a moment of weakness that probably would have been a life altering catastrophic event. I just didn't want to spend the money on me and worry my wife more than she was already so caught up with everything I was caught up with. Stupid reasons, I know, and I look back and also know that I was taking a real risk with those episodes. 

I will say though that I don't feel that way anymore, and I have not had those intrusive thoughts for a long time. Man, it is so crazy to think that I had the real threat of my mind and emotions taking control of my actions like that. It is such a scary thought to me while I am actually putting this down on paper. I read through this journal writing and I still can't see myself as "one of those" but I can't deny that it was happening. 

Trauma sure can mess a person up, huh?

Wednesday, April 8, 2026

FAFO period of our history.

 After paying attention to the news in the last year or two I have come to the conclusion that we are in the FAFO period of our society. (You know... Frick around and find out ... For a lack of a better word)

No kidding. I truly think that we have raised a generation or two of people that have been constantly told that whatever their ideas and feelings were, even if they were wrong, that they were completely valid and that they were okay with feeling that way and that they were always right. Not only that, everybody else was told that we should be feeling the same way! And Lord help us if we had a different opinion...... We were racist or intolerant or we got "canceled". 

Then you throw into the mix social media and this new influencer trend, and bingo, you got a bunch of young people that feel like they know everything without actually knowing anything. I mean, it's okay to question what you know is true but then there's also a point where taking one source or unsubstantiated sources and then building your whole identity and belief construct around it that kind of seems self-destructive. Don't you think?

The best example of this is vaccines and the medical field. Honest to goodness! People feel that vaccines are killing more people than they are saving. And I have no idea how they have been conned into believing that. I mean look at the rates of measles....... and People are starting to deny vitamin k shots to babies. That means we're going to have more babies dying from brain bleeds. We're going to have people that are going to be disabled or have lifelong complications due to measles. And it won't take long but polio is right behind it..... probably. All kinds of cancers from HPV popping up again and chicken pox will take hold again and a whole lot of other issues that we haven't seen in decades and decades because people are deciding not to vaccinate their kids anymore. And then we will see a lot of people suffering. 

So, you want to go against decades worth of research and scientific conclusions? You want to believe that getting measles is much less riskier than getting the vaccinations? Okay. You want to argue that sea salt is some kind of miracle supplement compared to table salt when they really have no difference hardly at all? Okay. You truly think that eating an all meat diet is going to make you the healthiest person ever? Okay. You think turning the food pyramid on it's top will cause people to eat better and make our society more healthy? Okay. You honestly think that raw milk is some type of God's perfect food? Okay. You truly think that these congressmen and congresswomen and the president is making your life better? Okay. Still waiting for those food prices and gas prices and medicines and prices on necessary goods to drop because " they " say they will? Okay. You think those chiropractors and functional health, or whatever those fake degrees are called, are really experts in their "field" when they haven't hardly spent any years studying or practicing in the field they are commenting on? Okay.

Okay..... Go ahead and follow them. Do exactly what they say. 

In the end.....you can FAFO.


But I won't. 


Man, the outside world must be shaking their head and laughing at us...... American arrogance. There's nothing like it.



Sunday, April 5, 2026

Family therapy VI

 It has been a while. There have been several family therapies since that last time I checked in. A lot has happened since the last time I made an entry here but I have made a couple written journal entries. 

Since the last time, my son has wrecked his car. It was a pretty tense time. He was rear ended while he was going to his grandpa's. We told him to stay home and save his gas, but he didn't listen to us. When he stopped for a construction vehicle, the person behind him just rammed him from behind. So, my wife and I struggled with the whole  .... if he would have just listened to us. . .  and it was not his fault - the guy didn't even hit his brakes. You know. We just wish we didn't have to go through all this. In the end, we were in a mess since we didn't have the money to replace his car. 

But, the good Lord was looking down on us. the insurance of the other guy paid out enough to get another car. then we were trying to find a decent car for what we got paid out for. That is crazy in today's age. A decent car is not less than 3000 dollars and it has like a 100,000 miles on it! It was crazy to be junk car shopping. I hated it. But we found one. It ended up needed a bit of work on it and some new parts but I think maybe it will be workable. 

What really came of all this was the therapy after the month or two of interlude. 

The therapist want to have a reset and see how we were doing and requested that we see him separately before we started again.  When he met with me, it came out that I was still holding onto a lot of trauma and memories that needed to be dealt with. He told me that my descriptions and emotion when reliving those episodes were too intense for them being so long ago. He also told me that I needed to keep my distance from my son so that I didn't have triggers that sent me back to those memories. 

So, was a point that I started to pull back a little. it was hard and I knew that I needed space and distance but it is never that easy with him. He needed his car worked on and he hit a brick mailbox that I had to deal with and he had this job that was not a good one and the court was pressuring him. The tension was getting higher. 

It was at this time that my wife and I were talking about when to cut him off from our financial support. I didn't realize how much we were paying for him, but it is substantial.  It's enough to really cause me issues. So, we set in palace a plana and a hard line for the day. It would be the first of the year . . . . about 8 months from now.

Then I went up to Ma and Dad's for a few days. Just myself since everyone else had school. When I was up there, my son called and said he had a new job at Goodwill. 

And I broke down. 

It was like the Good Lord stepped in again and let this happen to calm my spirit a little. I didn't know how much shame and guilt I had for planning to cut off my son but it was weighing on me a bit. When he told me he had the job and all the things that Goodwill would do for him - insurance, housing assistance, benefits, and all - it was like all the tension of throwing him out to the wolves with nothing to work towards just melted away. 

And here we are. He seems to be doing great at his job and everyone is praising him and encouraging him. He likes his job and he talks about it a lot. It has been a week and he seems happy. For him, that is extraordinary. It is a good sign. 

Me? I have had one session of therapy where I relived a bad memory with my son and I really don't like it. I think that is what we are going to be doing is having me relive these memories I have while I am guided by the therapist. Will it help me? I am not sure but I am going to give it a try. 

One thing I know for sure is that I have been feeling better - mentally and Physically- that I have for a long time. I am feeling more like myself that I have in a long time. 

And that is something, eh?