How messed up do I have to be to be treated the same?

 I had  an epiphany a couple of weeks ago. When this happened to me, it represented all the struggle and frustration I had been fighting against for the last three to four years. Please bear with me as I make this point.

I took my son, who has mental health issues and social disabilities, to a social working institution called Empower Tennessee. They claim to help people that struggle with things like autism and other handicaps to be able to become more productive citizens. They provide support and access to resources they may not have or even know about like applying for jobs or federal assistance. 

I took him in to have our initial meeting and evaluation. She sat us down and just talked to my son about who he was and some of the struggles he was facing. I sat silently waiting. Then she asked both of us to split a paper into four quadrants. She asked both of us to label each quadrant with one of these - What I want, What I need now, What I want in the future, and how do I get there. 

We made our lists in each quadrant and then she told my son to say out loud what his lists were and for me to circle what matched on my list. When he was done, she then began to talk about what she would do and what the organization can do for him. She then asked me to step out while they talked in private.

And then my son and I left. 

On the way home, I thought - This is why my house is so messed up right now. It is because I am not messed up enough. You Know?

So, what I think and feel and want is not important . . . or after that meeting, it felt that way. And I think I have been feeling that way for quite a while. Actually, I think I have been feeling that way for years. 

You see, I wrote that list down of what I thought my son's needs and wants and future and how to get to that future. But, what I thought and wanted and expressed was not important. It was not needed. She  . . . they . . . .only wanted what he thought. And they just wanted me to suck it up and drop everything to just give him it. And that is the realization I came to on the drive home. I am not messed up enough to be the one who is listened to. And I was starting to realize no one has been listening to me.

Basically, I am the one that will pay the bills and just go along with whatever these counselors and psychologists and therapists feel is necessary to get him right. I mean, he has been in therapy with at least two mental health professionals for over four years. He has had three suicide stays in hospitals. He has been diagnosed with Autism and severe anxiety and depression. He has started college twice and one time with a program specifically designed for autism and he quit. He has even had a stay in jail for a horrible "episode." And through it all, I have paid for it and taken him to all the programs and escorted him to class for a week or two and help him with applications and appointments and . . . and. . . and  

For years I have done that for him. 

After my experience in Empower Tennessee, I finally realized that no one really cares what I want and how I feel or how this is affecting the rest of the household. We are not the ones that are messed up, you see? And now that I am suffering mental health issues from years of this, I am now understanding why and how I got to this point in my life. 

Our house is not a peaceful house. We argue a lot. It is tense and it is wound up. I have a lot of resentment towards my son. He is not working towards becoming an independent adult and I truly feel he will not if I don't push or try to force him. He will spend weeks doing pretty much nothing but lay around, nap, and social media. 

And when we push him to be more and do more or we pull back with our time and money because he demands so much of us when he is bored and not being productive, he will have these episodes where he yells at us and fights us. He will get into rages where he will be accusing us of not loving him, verbally abusing him, hating him, not understanding his disability, and kicking him out or giving him over to someone to be their problem. This inevitably always ends up with threats of killing or harming himself or cutting us from his life. 

And I have decided that I am drawing the line. No more. My mental health and my peace of mind are gone. My physical health is starting to be affected. I have been pouring my whole life into this problem and I have been neglecting my wife and my other son. It is time. I cannot have him in my house anymore and I am unable to provide what he needs. He will not leave us on his own. He will stay with us and choose the dysfunctional life in favor of leaving us. He will rage and argue and yell and cuss at us and threaten us with stuff that cuts through our emotional wellbeing forever if nothing is done.

Because he already has. For years. . .

Because he is the one that is "messed up," and I am the one not messed up enough. That is why I can't get the help I actually need, and I am expected to just agree with everything and pay for it.