First, I think age has something to do with it. I am not positive about this, but it sure does seem that I am more emotional and more prone to anxiety and worry than I was when I was younger. Don't ever remember worrying so much. I don't remember worrying so much when I was younger. It seems to be a lot more intense than it was. And I get tremors more easily now. I don't remember them being so easily manifested and having them endure for so long.
And then there is one other thing that I think is really starting to get to me lately. I was looking at a post that I made about dad and when I think about my boys, I just don't think they look at me like I look at my dad. I think that's what it is . . .they don't see me as a wise nurturing looking out for their own interest kinda dad. You know?
It is a respect thing, I think. I remember that no matter how my dad treated me or if he scolded me or if he disciplined me or if he put expectations on me that I felt were way too high, I still looked up to him and I still sought him out for his steadiness and wisdom. You know. . . I had a great respect for him as a father and as a man. I needed his strength and confidence and his . . . . his . . . air of just being a man and he was the leader of our family. It is hard to put words to feelings that have no words that can describe how I feel about my dad and how I treated him. I would never ever scream and argue with him. I would never call him names and judge his actions or motivations. I would never tell him he was any less than the person who was the most integral part of why my world didn't fall apart and crumble around me. You know.... He's dad. And that means something.
That's it. You know?
I don't feel that way with my boys. I don't feel that they look at me the same way and I. . . well..... it affects me. I guess if you have read my other entries that this is not really new to you. My most recent journals are riddle with my eldest's attacks on me as a father and my motivations and his contempt of me and my ability to just get done what needs to be done as a father. He treats me as if I am untrustworthy or have hidden motives or agenda other than being the best father I am able to be or that I am not being as altruistic as God intended me.
He says "fuck you" when I am giving him tough love and telling him it is for his own good. He tells me I am no father of his when I don't just give into his selfish and self-serving immature ignorant demands. He tells me that I remember things wrong and that I try to gaslight him. He says that I don't understand the problem and that is the problem. He says so many hurtful things to me.
He does not look on me as the leader to trust and follow. He does not respect me or that my motivations are altruistic and out of love for him and his best interests. He does not see me like I see my dad.
And I think that is why I was just not feeling good the other day.
I wonder if my dad ever felt that way...... He never showed but then again, I don't really show it to my boys either. At least I didn't at the beginning. Now, it is getting hard not to show how it is affecting me.
Now I tell him how he hurts me and how absolutely ugly he is to me.
And then he tells me he doesn't care and throws more knives at me.
I had time with my wife yesterday because she is one of the only people I can just lay it all out on the table. She picks me up and bolsters my mental and emotional health so I can get back out there and fight all that shit. She will always be what I need.
I just never thought that when I decided to be a dad all those years ago that I would be feeling this way 20years later. All those years of raising and caring and encouraging and teaching and nurturing and guiding. . . . It seems like it means nothing to him. It feels like all that has been discounted and tossed aside like it was just a little bit of pocket change.
And I think that is what is dragging me down. That is what is affecting my mood.
But, I still am pushing and guiding and encouraging and nurturing when I feel this way. When I don't feel like I am on my game. When I don't feel like it will make a difference. When it is not being received with the intention it is being given. But it is hard wired in me because that is what my dad did. He just didn't have kids that questioned his motivations and his ability to be a dad.
And yet. . . He yells........ Screams......, "fuck you" at the top of lungs.
And I would never do or say such a thing to my dad.....
But I get this treatment from my son . . . .
And that hurts.
No comments:
Post a Comment