Please, God. Put her in his path.

 We were in wal mart yesterday and the song "Just the way" by Blanco Brown was playing over the intercom. As I was standing there, I heard my youngest humming to it and thought, that's funny, I didn't realize he knew this song. 

So I asked, "Is that you humming to this song, son? I didn't know you would like this."

Very softly, He said only two words:

"Not anymore."

I could barely hear the words and I was looking straight into his eyes when he said them because I sometimes struggle to hear him.  

And I saw tears slightly welling. 

Then he turned to look a different direction. 

Yeah boy, I know. 

I know what it is like. I know what its like to fall for someone that didn't fall for me. I know how it feels to be so taken by a girl that my mind is consumed with the fever of the crush. And, I know what it feels like to be rejected. 

And I listen to the lyrics as we wait for our turn to check out:

I love you just the way God made you

Girl, He don't make mistakes

What you call your imperfections

I call beautiful, babe 

And I remember the day his heart was broken. It is one of those times that is stamped in my memory like it was yesterday. I was sitting in the living room watching TV and he came out of his room practically running to the back door and was out of the house before I could even figure out what just happened. One thing was sure, he was upset. 

I got up and went out side to where I had no idea which direction he went. I stood on the back porch listening for a moment. And I heard him. Sobbing. He was full out crying and when I followed the sound, I found him under our oak tree in the front yard. There in the shade of the tree, he was laid out flat with his face in the ground and his arms covering his head. His body flexed with his heaving breaths as he poured all his tears into the ground. 

I slowly approached him and asked what was wrong. He didn't answer. I didn't know what to do and I had no idea what to say. So, I sat with my back next to the tree and my legs straight out in front of me. I said I would just sit there while he cried it out. And we did just that... He cried and I sat silently with him laying next to me crying into the ground. Getting it all out. 

It had to be that girl. The one I know he was trying to get close to at school. She did this to him. She called it off. I would bet he fawned over her and complemented her and treated her like a queen. Just like i do with my wife. And I am sure she had no idea what kind of man he is.  And she didn't have a clue to what she snatched up. And she probably thought to herself that she could do better or find something more exciting. She maybe thought he was smothering her or he was just "not her type," whatever the hell that means. What I did know now is that she broke it off with my son and he took it hard to the gut and his heart. 

After he cried a bit and started to calm a bit, I said, "Hey, let's get out of here. Just go. What do you say?"

He looked up at me and didn't say anything but he did get up. I did too. We got in the car and I honest to God had no idea where I was going but I had to do something. I had to try and help him through it and I don't think any words or anything I could say would help at all. So, I drove. In silence. And I drove. With tears rolling down his cheeks. And we ended up at a creek. 

I said, "Come on."

I got out of the car and walked down to the edge of the water and stood there a moment. He came up to beside me and stood there with me. No words. We just stood there listening to the water go by. And then I said, "Fuck it." And stepped out into the water walking up stream jeans ,shoes, and all. Who cares? What does a bit of wet clothes compare to the pain he was feeling? 

You know what? He followed me! Out into the water he followed me. 

We walked a ways until it got to where I couldn't really go much further. Then I said, "Well, lets go back then. We went back to the car and I started to drive again. In silence still I drove and just kept going. I still had no idea what to do or what to say so I didn't say anything and I kept driving. 

Without really knowing how I got there, we were at a wall mart and we were walking the aisles in our wet clothes just looking at toys. He didn't say anything but his breathing was not the gasps of grief and his tears had stopped. He stood still in front of the transformers for a good solid 5 minutes. 

Without looking at me, he said softly, " I am ready to go home." 

"Ok, son. Let's go then," I said quietly back to him.

I took him back home. He dropped his wet clothes at the laundry room on his way to his room and that was it. We didn't talk of it. It never came up. It was the summer break and we just did summer break stuff. In my mind though, the next school year was coming up and I had to say something. I had to prepare him for what may come. I had to get him ready. 

Here is an entry of mine from that day...

From 2021

About a month ago my son got really upset and emotional. I tried to get him to talk to me but he is just not that open with me. Anyway, I had a feeling it was the girlfriend and she broke up with him. Well, several weeks have gone with periods of sadness and stoicism.

Today though. Today I had to know. I had to know before he went back to school where I know she will be. So, I just laid my cards on the table and asked directly. He said yes. She broke up with him and he had "no fricken idea why."

This is where I just jumped in with both feet and just talked straight up. I didn't even know how to start. I was so unsure of myself but here I go anyway because I had to try and give him something...... Anything .....

"I'm going to give you something to think about, ok?"

He only sat looking at his tablet. It was on silent but he didn't look at me. The clock had started and I was determined to finish.

"Look, son, I want you to really think about what I am saying, okay?"

Still nothing. I push forward.

"I want you to be ready for her to maybe want to get back together with her. If she decides to, I think it is always best to steer clear. Once a girl breaks it off and then wants to get back together, they seem to do it again and again. They sometimes do it to have control over you. Or, sometimes they leave you for another and then realize you were actually better. Either way, if they do that once, it becomes easier to do it to you over and over ..... Like a trampoline. Bouncing in and out all the time.

What I trying to say, son is...... Is...... Well, damn it! You are too good of a man to let a girl do that to you more than once. I know it hurts like hell but you can't let them do that to you more than once. Its not right."

Then I waited to see. To see anything. It looked like he may have been tearing up but I don't know. I don't even know if I was making sense to him. I just stood up, gave his shoulder a little squeeze and walked away. Man, was that hard. I have been having more than my share of those moments lately.

And here we are, years later with this song . Of course, I put my foot in my mouth by asking. I have been rolling this episode through my mind all day and I really hope that my boy finds a girl that is good for him. You know? Someone that will bond to him forever ancomplementbond to forever. Someone that will grow with him and fight back life's setbacks with him and someone who will love life with him in it with her. I want him to have what I have. And I don't mean a girl just like my wife. I dont want a girl like my wife. I mean a girl that will compliment him as much as he does for her. . . . just like my wife and I complement each other, you know? Does that make sense? 

And then I say in my head a quick prayer. . .

Please God. Put her in his path. 

Your mind lies to you

Not feeling good about myself at the moment. Of course it is all in my head and my reason is fighting back against my feelings. 

My feelings are just fighting back a little harder today. 

You know?

I posted this to Facebook awhile back and when I looked back through to find a post, I came across it again. I have been feeling this way more and more often. I don't know, maybe it's age or maybe it's because I am still struggling with my son.... I just haven't really felt good about myself or felt good overall for awhile now. 

I reread one of the comments from a former student:

I think of you often and how enthusiastic you made us feel about school and learning. The rest of us feel good about you when we think of you. But the mind can be so cruel — take heart in knowing that the people you love would never allow someone to speak to you the way your own mind does. It lies. Your record doesn’t.

And my response:

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. The mind does lie to you and often when you are weak after fighting the trials of life a bit. You know, we pick all our battles except for one..... the battle with ourselves. You don't have any choice when it comes to fighting yourself. You can't run or hide from yourself and your thoughts. And when life is hard and the battles you choose drag on and on..... your mind and thoughts deceive you and creep out of the shadows. But, I have found it is temporary if you got a good measure of grit and friends and those people you have made an impact on. 

After reading this again I try to recenter myself but it's so hard. You know? Because it is as true now as it was then ... You can not run or hide from your own thoughts. We are trapped with them and they always come from the deepest worry and fears that we try to lock away. 

They bubble up and will not be ignored . 

Worries. 

Fears. 

Almosts.

Past pains.

Past trauma. 

You thoughts will cycle through and haunt you with memories and maybes and what ifs until you just want to crawl into a hole in your mind. 

But, that will not help anything. So I tell my mind it lies and I carry on. Because what else is there? What kind of life can I look forward to if I crumble to those thoughts? 

Not much, eh? 

Its morbid but I am going to write about it anyway

 I have been thinking about what I would want after I pass away. 

I know, it is morbid to think about it, but I have been since my dad is getting older and he had his stroke, and I have been looking closer at my health.

Anyway. . . . .I think I have some of the most different views on topics that I don't really hear from others.  What happens after I pass away will be no different, I guess.

One of the most craziest things I can think of after a person passes is for people to walk by the body lying in a casket. I just can't do that anymore. The last memory of my grandpa and my grandma and my cousin and a colleague are of them laying in a casket. And you know what? I hated it. I hate that the last memory I have of how they looked. It didn't look like them and they had no resemblance to the person I knew. 

And that is the last memory of them I have. 

And I hate those memories. 

You know what? I don't want the last thing a person remembers of me is the image of my empty body that is made up to look like I am still there and laid out in a casket in clothes I probably would never wear. I never understood why people do that. I will not be there in that body. I will be sitting with the Lord and meeting all my family in heaven. I don't want a bunch of people walking by a dead empty husk of my body. No. I don't want that. Just skip the showing and the casket and the funeral home and the funeral. . . and just turn my empty body back into ashes.

You know what would be an honor to me? I am a giver. I give gifts and things to people that I personally make with my own hands. I like to build stuff and giving gifts is how I show how much I care about people. You see, the passage that is at the end of Fahrenheit 451 is how I think of people.

Paraphrased it says:

Everyone always leaves something behind when he or she dies. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes they made. Or a garden planted. Something their hand touched in some way so that their soul has somewhere to go when they die, and when people look at that tree that they planted, or the painting they painted, they're there. It doesn't matter what they do so long as they change something from the way it was before they touched it into something that's like them after they take their hands away.“

 - adapted from Fahrenheit 451

 So, let's do this - I would like everyone that I have given a gift to or a drawing or something I built or written to them to create an Art Gallery for everyone to walk through. I would like a posterboard that people can write anything I said to them that made an impact on them. That's how I want people to "see" me for one last time. Because that is really who I am and that would be the last memory that I would want people to have of me. 

 I may or may not have had a long life but I have done what I set out to do. I have had a job that I enjoyed, and a home that I have made and a wife that I loved. I had my two boys that I had the privilege of raising and friends that I have been blessed with. I would probably not want to go (especially if I was leaving my wife) but I would not regret where I am. . . . was . . . in my life. So, I want people to think back of how they felt with what I gave them or something I taught them or when I spent time with them or gave a bit of old man wisdom.

 And I want smiles instead of tears. Ok? 

That would honor me and the life I lived the most. 

Oh, and have lots of food and just enjoy the day. 

I am letting it get to me.

I am letting it get to me. I am having intrusive thoughts, and they are digging and borrowing into my mind and heart and gut and I am just not able to shake them. These thoughts and feelings are starting to affect me a little bit and I am trying not to dwell on them. . . . .

But Damn.......

I am just going to say it. I don't feel like I look good. . . . You know. I don't feel attractive. 

I know, what does it matter? Why am I making a big deal? I should be more confident. I shouldn't let the outside world determine my worth and all that other bull crap that I never give into. What I am dwelling on is being desirable to my wife. That's the issue. 

I don't feel like I my wife desires me. . . . like desires me..... you know?

Intrusive thoughts. 

I know my wife loves me and she is loyal and loves to spend time with me. She depends on me and looks to me for my steadfast personality and how I understand a lot of things that confuse her. She loves how I talk about her all the time and how I make a fuss over her and take care of her. But...... 

But, I don't know if she desires me in the can't keep her hands off want to take me into the bedroom kind of way. 

You see, we aren't intimate in that way anymore because the births of our kids. And I am not going to get into that since it is in other blogs I have posted.

So, this is the issue. She expresses her worry of me "not getting what I need," so I think she tries not to start anything because she and I both know that we are unable to . . . . you know. And I get that, really I do but I also love all the other stuff too. I am one of those before and after guys where the lead up and the cuddle after is as important (or maybe more) than the actual thing itself. And this is where I am missing it. She is not doing that as much anymore. And it is hard to not wonder if she just doesn't think I am hot enough or she is not attracted to me like the I WANT YOU NOW way. 

Because I want all that other stuff too . . . like bad. . .  even if we can't with the one thing. 

And I am letting my mind believe it's me. I am thinking it is because I just am not someone she wants to kiss on or feel up or cuddle with anymore. I am not proverbially "doing it for her" anymore. I think it is getting to me because she will talk about actors she sees on tv or movies being hot or how she has wants to . . . with them . . . . all in jest of course but with a nugget of truth, you know .  . . . but she never says anything like that to or about me or when I am around. Not anymore. 

Sometimes I wonder if she just doesn't feel that way about me anymore. I am wondering if she has lost attraction to me. 

And that is what is eating away at me. 

You know. . . I should just have an open honest chat with her, but I don't even want to ask or talk about it with her. I don't want to hear what she says if I bring it up. I mean, she could tell me that she desires me still but then I will not think I will believe her because she doesn't talk about me like that or kiss me as much or wants me to touch her in an intimate way. 

And what if she just confirms what I am thinking and how I am feeling..... I don't think I would be able to mentally and emotionally be able to take it. How could I look at her and touch her knowing she felt nothing . . . not desire or want of me? I would be like a brother or just a buddy to her or something. Nothing more. God, I would be shattered and broken inside. 

So, I am letting these intrusive thoughts in against my will, and they are taking more and more of a hold on me. I don't know what to do about them but then  I don't want to do anything because I am petrified of finding out my fears are true. 

So, I guess I will just man up and ignore it all and get what I can get and just set aside those thoughts the best that I can because the alternative would be more devastating and more of a nightmare than just living with the intrusive thoughts. 

And that is it. That is what I am going to do. 

I just hope they will not eat me inside out over time. 

Does size matter?

 It's interesting to see the responses to this tic toc vid on Facebook. And then I step in with a bit of real life to see what happens....

This is what I wrote:

As a guy.... Yeah it matters. I am too big for my wife and it matters. I haven't seen a lot of comments here since there are literally thousands of them and mine will probably just be buried amongst them all. But I assure you...being too big has affected our intimacy. My wife and I. When we first met it was just a matter of getting her to relax and stretched and taking our time. After the damage and ripping from our first boy though..... The scarring from all the stitches would not soften and I ended up tearing and hurting her every ......single......time. The pain and bleeding would last several days. It was like I was abusing her or even worse..... It would look like I forcibly raped her. Its been pretty difficult. She endured the pain until our second child which didn't go any better. Now we don't have vaginal sex at all (its been 16 years) because she can't stand the pain and I can't stand the thought of doing that to her every time. So yeah..... Size matters.

A response from a guy:

 I mean, I sort of feel like you two weren’t compatible then… no disrespect intended

My reply to him:  

Well, that would be the question to the universe, eh? With the way we struggle with the births of our children and then the struggle with sex afterward.... Well that would seem that fate has it against us, you think? Like we just weren't meant to be. But if you take away just that one part..... Just vaginal sex..... Nothing else about intimacy but that one .... My wife and I are so in love and bonded it makes you wonder if that one aspect is really worth calling it quits. For us..... That answer is no. It's not. But that is the path we took when we got married isn't it? "For better or for worse." Our bedroom life is missing one component..... Just one.... That, honestly, would break marriages. And it was a result of our choice to be parents. Was that price too steep to cause our emotional and mental and spiritual marriage to go bankrupt? For some, the answer to that is..... yes. But my wife and I are so bonded that even though we struggle with it as a couple, we love living life together more. 

If that runs your world.... And it is your priority, I can fully understand because it's not like it is not a big stress in our marriage.... I get it. That's why I take no offense.... It is pretty damn difficult some days.

I am just not going to give up and let go of so much I love about my wife for one absent physical act that I admit is pretty important but not enough for me to call it quits.

I won't let pain turn me into someone else

 It so easy, isn't it? 

When you have been hurt or betrayed or taken advantage of, it is easy to let the pain and anger drive you to be or do things that go against your own sense of self. 

And, it's so easy. Isn't it?

I have said before that the way a person treats you or what they say about you will tell more about them than what they are saying about or doing to you. It's because people hide their pain by trying to hurt or expose another person's pain. And if they are hurting a lot then they are hurting others a lot. 

And that is where the memes come in.... You know the ones. . . . "I'll give respect when I get respect"...... "I don't cross oceans for those who wouldn't cross a puddle for me"...."I'll match energy with people, if they yell at me, I yell at them. If they don't text me, I don't text them"...." I'm not going to the end of the world for some that will not go to the end of the street for me"...... And on and on and on. 

Well, I'm not going to do that. And while I might get taken advantage of or mistreated or disrespected, having that kind of mentally is not in my nature or spirit. It's not who I am personally. This type of mentality is not giving or kind. It is transactional. It is the mindset that if you get something on the front end or in payment for something you did or said, then you will give back the same. And that is not the way I operate as a person. 

I don't like the way it feels to be angry or spiteful or vengeful. It doesn't feel right..... Like how you feel when you are just beginning to get sick. You feel "okay" but you can tell there is something just a little off. That's the way it feels for me. It goes against my moral fiber, and it actually makes me feel off.... Like there might be something physically wrong with me. 

Isn't that weird? 

But you see, people take those feelings and emotions and hold onto them and bask in them and revel in them. They will let those emotions drive the way they treat people to the point where everything has to have a payoff. Nobody gets a chance. . . .ever. Nobody. Not even people that have done nothing to them. Everything they do ends up being and endeavor of getting something or some status in return. And then they live life wondering why they're not happy or feel good about themselves or know what joy is like. They wonder why they feel alone or aren't able to get close or even feel close to another person. Its because they are always looking for what they are able to receive from others. And the pain and the resentment and this treatment to others only deepens over time when they feel like they are not getting what they feel is due to them.

And that is not me. 

And I will not let pain and anger and spite of not receiving from others for what I give freely drive how I treat and do for people. It is not who I am as a person. 

And I will not let pain change me into someone I am not. 

You know why? 

Because those things that might hurt someone else does not cause me pain to begin with. 

It doesn't cause me pain because I do and say things willingly and without expectation. That's why. I believe it is Christ in me to be like that. I offer my help or my kindness or my respect because I want to . . . not because I expect anything in return. It is because it is in my nature and in my heart to be that way. It is what feels right. I would rather feel right all day long than to give back what I am given. . . I will not "drop to their level." 

And that is why I will not treat you like you treat me. I will not "match your energy". I will not wait for your respect to give you respect. And I will do for you even when you refuse to do anything for me. 

I will not be that person. I will be the giving person.

And I will not let your actions coerce or control my actions.

Because that type of person is not who I am. 

And, I will not be someone I am not.

Do you wish you had met her Earlier?

 I was asked if I wish I would have met my wife earlier.

 I said no.

They were surprised since I am crazy about my wife and I never miss a chance to talk about her. They would have guessed that I would have wanted to know her as a high school sweetheart or something like that. They can't believe I would not take the chance to be able to know her longer and be able to love her for more time. 

But, if my wife and I met each other sooner than when we did, our lives would be much different today. I would even hazard to guess that we would not even have gotten married or have been on each other's radar. 

You see my wife had a few hard lessons when it came to relationships. It first started when a boy got her drunk and then talked her into oral sex promising that he wouldn't end it a certain way.... Well he lied. To make it worse, he never acknowledged she existed after that because he got what he wanted out of her. Then another boy convinced her to sleep with him and she though he really liked her..... Yeah, we know how that turned out. 

Then came the boy that truly broke her heart. More like shattered it. She was in a relationship with a guy for about three or four years. She had a pregnancy scare with him but she believed this was the guy that would ask her to marry him. And just when she thought the time was coming up, she found him with another girl. And to add to the pain and brokenness, he told her that he got that other girl pregnant. 

She was broken and her spirit was shattered and her self esteem was at an all time low. After almost 3 years of throwing herself into her college and transferring to a University that was hours away from home..... From him..... She showed up to the college I was going to. 

And that is where we met. 

Honestly, if her heart had not been broken and if she was not betrayed by those other guys, I bet she would not have given me a second look. She wouldn't have recognized me for the good man she needed in her life. She would have not been able to understand the type of loyalty I was capable of giving her. She would have never been able to understand what was truly like to be treated the way a life long wife should be treated. 

That's why I would not have wanted to meet her sooner. She would have not had those horrible experiences that opened her eyes to who I was. I hate that she had to be broke and scared and it took a long time for her to build trust with me. But I understood. I knew it would take time. And I took that time to gain the trust. 

Like I have written before.... I told her that I loved her first and she didn't say it back. And, I was ok with that because she knew what it was like to have a broken heart and I didn't. 

So, yeah. Do I wish I met her sooner? No. We met at the right time in our lives to have lived life long enough to know we were meant to be together. It was a God thing. That's why.

You Should teach a class

I was told again yesterday. After I was talking about my wife. . . . yeah I know. . . it is such a surprise that I talk about her! Anyway, I said that if I feel that my wife is trying something new at a restaurant that she may not like, I decide to order something I know she will like. You know. . . . just in case she may want to trade. I would not let her to go hungry because she ordered something she ended up not liking and I know I will eat just about anything she would order no matter what. So, no biggie.

And that is when the girl I was talking to said it, "You should teach a class on how to be a husband."

I have been told this quite a few times in the past. I said, "Naw, I sound like I am such a good husband, but I really only know how to be a good husband to my wife."

This is where I think people kinda misstep in their marriage. She was responding to what I was saying not in terms of what I actually did as much as the actual meaning and expression and motive of what I did. You see? She reacted like she would with a romance story or a romance movie. What I was saying was so romantic in her mind and the unsaid reason I would order that way was a deep romantic emotional thing. She started to think about whether or not her hubby thought of her that way, to act that way, and deep down she didn't think so but wished he did. And then she just expressed how a guy like me needed to teach or show or tell her husband how to think of her in the same way. 

But you know what? I bet he does already, and she just has not picked up on it. 

I have taken the time to grow and learn my wife and what she needs and wants in her relationship and marriage. I learned how to support her and treat her and what to do to make sure she actually feels me loving on her through action and words and presence. Over the last 24 years, it has become habit and intentional. My wife and I have become so bonded and integrated that how we treat each other has become so ingrained that it is like breathing or walking. It's automatic. . . . without thought.

Make no mistake, she has done the same for me too. . . but that is not really the focus of this writing. 

And that is what this girl means when she says that I need to teach a class. It is not so much teaching men the same things I do but more of teaching men to learn what it means and what they need to do to love their wife. They want me to show them that same idea that I said that I only know how to love my wife because each relationship is unique and special to only the two that are in it together. That is really what she means. 

I just think that sort of time and effort and learning of who you want to spend your life with is lacking in our society today. You can see it in the divorce rates and on social media. People just put a blanket relationship advice out there and completely miss that each relationship is unique and has its own life that is unlike any other relationship. They have to grow and bond and integrate their relationship separate from all others and not look to mimic any others. If this mindset is not there, then that is where you get people saying they "out grow" their partner or that their partner has "change and is not the same person." They didn't grow into the "one flesh" idea described in the bible. They are not working at growing into "one person" who automatically knows what their partner's needs and their partner knows what they need. Its hard to explain this to people now days because the idea of this kind of bonding or "one flesh" is actively scorned in today's ideology and the divorce rates are clearly showing that. But that is a discussion for another thread.

So, no . . . . I can't teach a class on how to be a husband because I will never be able to understand your unique relationship. Therefore, I can't help your husband be a better husband. 

I only know how to love my wife. 

And that Hurts.

I wasn't feeling good the other day. I've had a lot of time to let my mind wander lately and I have been really trying to put a finger on the episodes I have been having where I have not been feeling myself. It has really been vexing and consuming my mind a lot that I have not been feeling good mentally like I usually do, and I have been spending considerable time and mental effort on this. 

First, I think age has something to do with it. I am not positive about this, but it sure does seem that I am more emotional and more prone to anxiety and worry than I was when I was younger. Don't ever remember worrying so much. I don't remember  worrying so much when I was younger. It seems to be a lot more intense than it was. And I get tremors more easily now. I don't remember them being so easily manifested and having them endure for so long. 

And then there is one other thing that I think is really starting to get to me lately. I was looking at a post that I made about dad and when I think about my boys, I just don't think they look at me like I look at my dad. I think that's what it is . . .they don't see me as a wise nurturing looking out for their own interest kinda dad. You know?

It is a respect thing, I think. I remember that no matter how my dad treated me or if he scolded me or if he disciplined me or if he put expectations on me that I felt were way too high, I still looked up to him and I still sought him out for his steadiness and wisdom. You know. . . I had a great respect for him as a father and as a man. I needed his strength and confidence and his . . . . his . . . air of just being a man and he was the leader of our family. It is hard to put words to feelings when there are no words that can describe how I feel about my dad and how I treated him. I would never ever scream and argue with him. I would never call him names and judge his actions or motivations. I would never tell him he was any less than the person who was the most integral part of why my world didn't fall apart and crumble around me. You know.... He's dad. And that means something.

That's it. You know? 

I don't feel that way with my boys. I don't feel that they look at me the same way and I. . . well..... it affects me. I guess if you have read my other entries that this is not really new to you. My most recent journals are riddled with my eldest's attacks on me as a father and my motivations and his contempt of me and my ability to just get done what needs to be done as a father. He treats me as if I am untrustworthy or have hidden motives or agenda other than being the best father I am able to be or that I am not being as altruistic as God intended me.

He says "fuck you" when I am giving him tough love and telling him it is for his own good. He tells me I am no father of his when I don't just give into his selfish and self-serving immature ignorant demands. He tells me that I remember things wrong and that I try to gaslight him. He says that I don't understand the problem and that is the problem. He says so many hurtful things to me. 

He does not look on me as the leader to trust and follow. He does not respect me or that my motivations are altruistic and out of love for him and his best interests. He does not see me like I see my dad. 

And I think that is why I was just not feeling good the other day. 

I wonder if my dad ever felt that way...... He never showed but then again, I don't really show it to my boys either. At least I didn't at the beginning. Now, it is getting hard not to show how it is affecting me.

Now I tell him how he hurts me and how absolutely ugly he is to me. 

And then he tells me he doesn't care and throws more knives at me. 

I had time with my wife yesterday because she is one of the only people I can just lay it all out on the table. She picks me up and bolsters my mental and emotional health so I can get back out there and fight all that shit. She will always be what I need. 

I just never thought that when I decided to be a dad all those years ago that I would be feeling this way 20years later. All those years of raising and caring and encouraging and teaching and nurturing and guiding. . . . It seems like it means nothing to him. It feels like all that has been discounted and tossed aside like it was just a little bit of pocket change. 

And I think that is what is dragging me down. That is what is affecting my mood. 

But, I still am pushing and guiding and encouraging and nurturing when I feel this way. When I don't feel like I am on my game. When I don't feel like it will make a difference. When it is not being received with the intention it is being given. But it is hard wired in me because that is what my dad did. He just didn't have kids that questioned his motivations and his ability to be a dad. 

And yet. . . He yells........ Screams......, "fuck you" at the top of lungs. 

And I would never do or say such a thing to my dad.....

 

But I get this treatment from my son . . . . 

And that shit hurts. 

I am not feeling good today

 I am not feeling good today.

I don't want to talk today. Like, I have a lot of words going through my head, but my mouth seems to be paralyzed and will not work. 

Not a good head space to be in since I am a teacher and students are coming in shortly.

It's an odd feeling. I don't feel like myself in my head. You know? I normally like the way I feel in my head. Even if I have other emotions floating around, even negative ones or physical pain, I still feel good in my brain. It is hard to explain but I usually feel good in my head. But last night and today, I just don't feel it . . . . I don't know if I am sad or anxious or depressed or even if I am coming down with something. What I do know is that that sense of equilibrium in my mind of joy and peace that hold off the negative feelings of worry and anxiety and . . . and . . . . . blah. . . . is just not there today. 

And I don't know why. 

Maybe I have been beaten down too long. I mean when I look back at my most recent posts, I have been struggling. I am struggling with my image and my worry about my marriage and my oldest son and worry about my youngest son and . . . . 

Most of them are allusions though. . . . 

They are not really that bad. . . . at least in my rational mind they are not. 

You know, these things are not even as much of an issue as they were back then but for some reason, I am just not feeling that good today. 

I need time with my wife. I need to just be in her sphere. I need to touch and embrace her. I am sure that will help today. But until then. . . .

How am I going to get back to that state of mind I have had in the past . . . .just the other day? Have I been taking that state of mind for granted? Maybe I have and I let the stresses of life and the issues with my son chip away at it while I had no idea that it was being chipped away to me feeling like I am today. 

I am wondering now. . . . .how do I get it back?. . . . how do I get that feeling back that I took for granted for all these decades?

I don't like feeling this way . . . . .the way I feel right now. 

In this state of mind, I am having a hard time even trying to remember what it was like let alone trying to figure out how to get back to it. This is so odd to me right now. I can remember that I felt that way, but I can't remember how it actually felt. And now I am writing about how I don't feel good and how I missed feeling better. 

Damn.

I hate it and I am thinking that this is how depressed people feel and now I am thinking how hard it is for them to turn it around. Like, I am wallowing in this feeling and thinking . . . . believing . . .. that I will not turn it around. 

Damn, that is hard to wrestle with in my mind. 

I know one thing. . . no medicine. This has to be temporary. It has to be. I had that good feeling my whole life. I am just in a funk and a period of time that is odd. It is temporary. . . . . it has to be. I have not had any major events recently to explain this feeling in my head. I am just rolling down hill with it and can't see the bottom where it levels out and slows down. I have to focus on the fact that it will, and I will come out of it. 

I just have to focus on that.

I will come out of it. 

I will.

I will. 

But, God. 

I don't feel that good today.

How messed up do I have to be to be treated the same?

 I had  an epiphany a couple of weeks ago. When this happened to me, it represented all the struggle and frustration I had been fighting against for the last three to four years. Please bear with me as I make this point.

I took my son, who has mental health issues and social disabilities, to a social working institution called Empower Tennessee. They claim to help people that struggle with things like autism and other handicaps to be able to become more productive citizens. They provide support and access to resources they may not have or even know about like applying for jobs or federal assistance. 

I took him in to have our initial meeting and evaluation. She sat us down and just talked to my son about who he was and some of the struggles he was facing. I sat silently waiting. Then she asked both of us to split a paper into four quadrants. She asked both of us to label each quadrant with one of these - What I want, What I need now, What I want in the future, and how do I get there. 

We made our lists in each quadrant and then she told my son to say out loud what his lists were and for me to circle what matched on my list. When he was done, she then began to talk about what she would do and what the organization can do for him. She then asked me to step out while they talked in private.

And then my son and I left. 

On the way home, I thought - This is why my house is so messed up right now. It is because I am not messed up enough. You Know?

So, what I think and feel and want is not important . . . or after that meeting, it felt that way. And I think I have been feeling that way for quite a while. Actually, I think I have been feeling that way for years. 

You see, I wrote that list down of what I thought my son's needs and wants and future and how to get to that future. But, what I thought and wanted and expressed was not important. It was not needed. She  . . . they . . . .only wanted what he thought. And they just wanted me to suck it up and drop everything to just give him it. And that is the realization I came to on the drive home. I am not messed up enough to be the one who is listened to. And I was starting to realize no one has been listening to me.

Basically, I am the one that will pay the bills and just go along with whatever these counselors and psychologists and therapists feel is necessary to get him right. I mean, he has been in therapy with at least two mental health professionals for over four years. He has had three suicide stays in hospitals. He has been diagnosed with Autism and severe anxiety and depression. He has started college twice and one time with a program specifically designed for autism and he quit. He has even had a stay in jail for a horrible "episode." And through it all, I have paid for it and taken him to all the programs and escorted him to class for a week or two and help him with applications and appointments and . . . and. . . and  

For years I have done that for him. 

After my experience in Empower Tennessee, I finally realized that no one really cares what I want and how I feel or how this is affecting the rest of the household. We are not the ones that are messed up, you see? And now that I am suffering mental health issues from years of this, I am now understanding why and how I got to this point in my life. 

Our house is not a peaceful house. We argue a lot. It is tense and it is wound up. I have a lot of resentment towards my son. He is not working towards becoming an independent adult and I truly feel he will not if I don't push or try to force him. He will spend weeks doing pretty much nothing but lay around, nap, and social media. 

And when we push him to be more and do more or we pull back with our time and money because he demands so much of us when he is bored and not being productive, he will have these episodes where he yells at us and fights us. He will get into rages where he will be accusing us of not loving him, verbally abusing him, hating him, not understanding his disability, and kicking him out or giving him over to someone to be their problem. This inevitably always ends up with threats of killing or harming himself or cutting us from his life. 

And I have decided that I am drawing the line. No more. My mental health and my peace of mind are gone. My physical health is starting to be affected. I have been pouring my whole life into this problem and I have been neglecting my wife and my other son. It is time. I cannot have him in my house anymore and I am unable to provide what he needs. He will not leave us on his own. He will stay with us and choose the dysfunctional life in favor of leaving us. He will rage and argue and yell and cuss at us and threaten us with stuff that cuts through our emotional wellbeing forever if nothing is done.

Because he already has. For years. . .

Because he is the one that is "messed up," and I am the one not messed up enough. That is why I can't get the help I actually need, and I am expected to just agree with everything and pay for it. 

How much more do I have to give up?

 How much more do I have to give up? I mean, seriously it's been 4 years and I've been dumping just about everything I've got into this whole thing.

I've applied to....... I've gone to with....... I've visited him in the mental hospital (all three times). The bills from that...... the time going back and forth. . . . One time they wouldn't tell me where he was since he was an adult. . . .That's when I really understood what a medical power of attorney was...... I've taken him to his IOP twice a week for weeks and it was an hour drive each way after working all day. I've gotten him into programs at college that he ran from, so I had to drop him from school and retract his scholarships. I help him apply to trade school and supported him as he struggled with going and staying. I got him help through vocational rehabilitation to help him get a job, but they have stopped working with him because he is difficult........ And the meds and therapists for years....... And. . . . and. . . .God, I don't remember all of it. . . .

All throughout this I have been coaching and driving him and showing him the way to and from and I have been with him during his appointments and giving him pep talks and . . . .I even took him to college and walked the campus showing him his where classes were. I escorted him from one class to another for a week because he had anxiety attacks. . . . and then he quit anyway. All that time. All that effort. All the expenses. All the mental strain. 

Seriously...... How much more? I've given so much already, and it has all been thrown to the wayside. 

I don't know how much more or how much longer I can keep putting into trying to get my son to move along on his path to becoming an adult. The problem is not so much that he is not progressing but more of how much stress he puts on us. 

We are being picked apart. Finances, time, and mental health are all being picked apart and piece by piece we are whittling down to becoming nothing. Seriously..... how much of us do we need to lose before we call it all off and retreat? When and how far is that line in the sand?

I have been giving up a lot to move him along and nothing is working. He is so scared of leaving and is so attached and dependent on us that he goes to extremes whenever he is challenged and pushed to cut ties with us. And each time I am losing more and more. I am not sure if my health or my marriage can take much more of this. 

And that truly scares the hell of me. 

If I lose my wife........

God, I can't even have a flicker of that thought or I will just break.....

How much do I have left for this before it all become too much and it tears everything down? I am not sure, but I will keep going until one or the other happens. I know one thing. . . . it cannot stay the way it is now. 

It may be over soon.

It is set. I have drawn the line in my mind, and I am not going back.... No matter what will come of it. 

I am thinking of all kinds of worse case scenarios (which includes losing my wife and that terrifies me) but I have made up my mind and once I do that..... Well, once I do that, I will break my heart and soul and still go through with it. 

Last I wrote, I had decided to go in a lay it all out to my son's psychiatrist. And I did. I was hysterical and raving mad for almost an hour. It was ..... Well, it was not pretty, and I didn't feel much in control. But my shaking came to a crescendo and afterwards it calmed down to going away. 

There was no going back after that. That day was the day that I set in motion the events I am not going to go back on. 

I said out loud that he has to get out of my house..... And I said it in front of him. 

What I was planning to say ...... I did say...... all those things and more. 

Thank God my wife went with me and mediated us afterwards. She didn't go in with us, but she knew I was going to do something drastic...... Something desperate. And she was there after.... My blessing..... My comfort. She drove home while I unwound..... While I decompressed. . . . While I shrank into my own mind and feelings.

I then contacted my mental health insurance and got a therapist for me. The very first session was about how to get him out of my house. I set the line. I have set my mind to it and no matter how much shame..... No matter how much guilt..... No matter how much pain I will endure before or after it is done..... No matter what I may end up losing..... I am going to hold that line against all of it. 

And it will hurt......I will suffer...... It is inevitable. 

How much it will hurt and how much I suffer still remains a mystery. In my mind I am going to lose it all. But hey, being melodramatic is kinda part of this gig, right? 

The therapist seemed to understand what needed to be done and said that he would send me names and numbers of places that will take him. And that will be the fuse. That is the missing piece that will set everything into motion. 

And I hate every thought that is coming into my mind and heart because of it. 

And so that is where I am at right now. Waiting for that fuse. And once I get it, I will light it. And once it's lit, the clock is ticking to when it will all blow. 

So, it is a short waiting game now. 

This is far from over. But then, it seems like it will be too fast. 

I can't parent him anymore.

 I've come to the conclusion that I can't parent him anymore. As long as he's in our house we will not be able to help him move forward and become an independent person. He is in the mindset that we will provide and support his life and pay for everything for him forever so that he doesn't have to grow up and be an adult. 

He jumped out of my truck last week. 

Yeah..... He was yelling at me throwing curses and screaming how horrible I was.......and then ......all of a sudden, he was rolling on the road. And I am at the end of what I can do for him. I have no more resources ......no more ideas........ no more programs ......no more forms .......no more strength.... no more .......mental...... health.

I'm done. I have no more strength to keep going or doing the same thing like I have been for years...... 

For ....... 

Years.

I have tremors. 

They won't go away now. They're constant and unending. I think they might be permanent this time. God! I hope not! I try to stop them. I try to mentally hold myself still, but I just can't. My mind is hyper focused on this whole ordeal. I'm in a point of my life where I have a child that's scared of life and scared of being on his own and scared of being alone and scared of.......of.......of..... Everything. And that is not exaggerating..... he is scared of everything.

And I've tried everything and nothing has worked to get him..... I don't know .....normal?

And I'm planning tomorrow to go back with him with this counselor, the psychiatrist, and see if I can.... I don't know be free from this nightmare I'm in. Is it a nightmare? I mean, I don't have dreams really. I don't remember them. But the shaking that I have... the stress that I'm constantly under.... this worry about what's he going to say next. How is he going to insult us .....what is he going to blame us for ..... how he is going to tell us that it's all our fault when all he does is sit and do nothing and wait for us to do everything. 

He gets done with his counselors and he comes home, and he tells us that we are the problem. We are narcissistic. We're abusive. We're manipulative. We're horrible to him. But how can that be so? 

He has a house to live in and he has a car to use and he has a phone to use and he goes with us places and we get things that he wants and we get things that he needs and we encourage him and we try and tell him that he can do things when he doesn't think he can and we try and make suggestions and we try and show him the best way to get places because we know he can't .........he can't...... We try. We try to be good parents. We try to be loving and encouraging, and we try to motivate him. But it wasn't enough. It is never enough. And he tells us all the time .... Screams..... That we are not doing enough.

I can go on and on I suppose. But he's 22 years old and he lives in our house like he's a five-year-old and needs everything provided to him. He needs all this constant attention and... and he needs us to care for him and and take care of him. The only problem is that he has an adult mouth, and he has adult words, and he hurts us with them. He uses words like weapons. He accuses us of abusing him. He accuses us of being horrible parents. He accuses us of being the problem. He accuses us of treating him like he doesn't have a disability. 

And......

And.... I don't know...... my shaking....... My tremors....... The stress and anxiety. My blood pressure. And I went to the hospital with a blood pressure that was dangerous..... Like cause a stroke dangerous.

We are not the problem. We can't be......

We are the solution for him. But he doesn't trust us. He doesn't want to learn from us. He doesn't believe that we're wise and have his best interest in mind. He doesn't believe that we truly care about his success. So, what do you say to that? I guess there's nothing else I can do for him. I'm done with parenting him because he doesn't want me to parent him if he doesn't believe what I'm saying, and he doesn't trust me and he doesn't think that I have his best interest in mind. And so that's it. He's basically living in our house, but he doesn't want to be our son anymore and he doesn't want us to be his parents. 

But, Of course, he wants us to pay for everything still...

We wouldn't want that part of us being parents to stop, now would we?

Honestly, all he sees is that we want him to be scared of life when that is untrue. We want him to face his fears, and we want him to deal with them so that they're not so scary anymore in that he can be happy and not let those fears control his life like they are right now. 

And when we push him to face those fears he bites back, and he fights back with words. He yells and he screams, and he calls names, and he accuses and he threatens and he . . . he hits us in our emotions and our fears and our insecurities. And he's so masterful at pulling them out and put them in front of us and making us doubt. He finds that it's hard to make us change what we're going to do because we're strong-willed people and we're very intelligent and he can't make us believe that all this stuff is horrible when it's not. It's the proverbial "for your own good" or "tough love." He wants us to just change what we believe to be true and best for him to his view, but we can't when we just don't agree with him. 

I just can't parent him anymore. He will not trust what I say or do what I suggest. All he does is refuse but still wants me to provide everything for him and I just can't do that. I have a family. I have another son and a wife, and he wants me to throw all that aside and just do what he wants and focus on him and make him the biggest priority in my life and he's not. And isn't that horrible to say? I mean who should be a priority in my life? I have two sons and a wife. None of them can be a priority.  I have to be a father and a husband to more than one person. But he doesn't see it that way ......won't see it that way ......can't see it that way.. . . unable to see it that way. And then what he says to me, that I am a horrible parent because I am not prioritizing him.... my own son ..... it's like knives and actually hurts some days. 

And I can't stop shaking.......

And it's tomorrow. I'm going to lay it all out on the table. I'm going to try and see if I can do one more thing. I'm going to say some very hurtful things to him that are that are logical to a reasonable person. I'm going to say things that is going to hurt him and I'm going to say things that's going to make him angry because he'll think I'm lying and he'll think that I'm trying to make him look like a horrible person. All he will hear is that I don't want to be his dad...... That I want to abandon him. And all I'm trying to do is save my sanity really. I'm trying to get my family back to peace ......with no yelling . .  no accusations .....no threats .....no hell on Earth. 

I going to tell the psychiatrist that I can no longer parent him and that I need him out of my house. I'm going to say that I need him out of my house while he is there and listening. I going to say that I am not going to stop being his dad but that I have reached the absolute end of what I can do for him as a parent. He is rejecting all my efforts in favor for what he feels will help him when he has no idea what works or how to take care of himself. I'm going to ask to be given names or numbers of any resource that I have not thought of to accomplished this. I going to tell her that my life and mental health and physical health is in jeopardy. . . . . that he is killing me with stress. That I will die of a stroke or heart attack or my health will decline if he continues and stays in our home. I'm going to say that I can't afford both money and physically and my family to have him stay. I'm going to basically say that after years of dumping all my strength and resources into getting him to be independent and not petrified of living in the world on his own, I have come the end of the road of what is within my ability to parent him any longer and that I have to hand him off to someone else. I still want to be his dad, but I just don't have what it takes to be a dad for him. My love and Care and efforts are just not enough. I need more and different outside help than what I have found and paid for the last several years. Because I am no longer able to do it myself anymore. 

I am beyond my ability. 

I guess it was always beyond my ability if I look back at all of what I tried to do. 

He will hear this and he won't hear that he is doing is hurting the well-being of the members of his family. He will only hear that I don't want him. He will only hear that money is more important than him. He will only hear that I don't love him anymore. He will only hear that he is the sole blame of our problems and that he is a target. He will hear that I am trying to betray him.

And he will attack us out of anger and pain and betrayal. 

And I'm expecting it not to work. And then I'm going to have to have that drive home with him. And who knows what it'll be like but I'm sure it will be out of control and horrible and that may be the final end. And after we get home, I expect him to turn everything I said into knives that he will try to bury in my heart. He will strip the meaning of what I was trying to say and throw the reinterpreted pieces of what I said at me like bombs. If we walk out of that office with no other resource for me to access, that will be it. I have multiplied everything tenfold and not taken even a half step forward.

And you know what? I don't know how much I can do anymore. I don't know how much I can withstand of this yelling and the accusations and abuse from him. It's going to end up killing me. It's going to shorten my life. I mean I went to the hospital after he jumped out of the car because I was under so much stress that my blood pressure was high enough to give me a stroke. And what would have happened after that? I would have been brain dead? Partially paralyzed? Unable to provide anything for my wife and my other son? And where would I have been then? 

God, this is such a shit show. 

But it's time to draw a line...... And then hold it. 

Celebrating a divorce is no celebration.

I saw a group of celebrating girls that made me a bit put off when I was in Nashville this past weekend. Usually, a pack of girls like this celebrating in Nashville is a bachelorette party for a lucky soon to be bride. I am not even going to get started on what I think of those girls but I will say that there may be a lot of weddings that are called off when and if the groom to be saw what they did or acted like or looked like while they "celebrated"..... but I digress from what I really want to talk about. 

The group I saw were celebrating a divorce of one of their members being final. Yep, They were partying because their friend got divorced. 

And I just feel that we as a society have really lost so much moral integrity if this is an accepted or even supported behavior for such a loss as a failed marriage. 

Of course, it would be the girls that are so brazenly overt about publicly shaming the former husband and celebrating the breaking of a marriage but make no mistake, men will celebrate too over this same thing but not make it so public. 

I just can't stand it and I had to turn away in sadness and disgust at the thought of how happy and outwardly giddy these girls were. And you know what? This is not the first time I have seen this. What is it about celebrating the end of something that was suppose to be one of the most fulfilling endeavors of a person's life? I just can't think of anything that can be as destructive and dystopian than a marriage failing and two people that supposedly did love each other at some point of time in the past are now broken apart. 

It makes you think. . . .so what the hell happened?

You will hear and see a lot of reasons for a marriage to fail. There are some very very legitimate reasons like abuse or substance abuse or one of the spouses commits a heinous crime, or adultery or they don't feel their children are safe with the other. But then there are reasons that just make you wonder like when people say they are just not happy or that they didn't expect to end up where they are in life or that they fall out of love or that their spouse has just changed into someone they don't love anymore or they have "out grown" their marriage. These are the reasons that bother me the most. These are reasons that happen to some from not understanding what a marriage is and how life beats the hell out of married people. And I guess that is what it is for some. When life beats the hell out of your marriage you have two choices - take it on together fighting back or call it quits. 

Probably the most damaging thing to marriages happens before marriage even is on a person's radar. And that is, I don't think people really understand what it is to be married. This is where I may lose a bunch of people, but I truly feel that the concept of marriage as it is described and talked about in the Bible is what makes marriages infallible. I would double down and say that even if you are not Christian or are religious at all, that if you just treat the concept of marriage as it is described in the Bible as a framework for what marriage should be, you will be successful. 

First and foremost, a marriage is described as "one flesh." It is written several times that children will leave their parents and join in marriage as one flesh. This "one flesh" idea really means two separate people are separate but are still one person. If you know me, you know my wife. When you interact with me, my personality and my mindset and my choices revolve around not just me but also my wife. It is true in reverse. It is not that she or I dominate or control the other, it is more the fact that we have bonded and intertwined ourselves to the point where people don't think of us as separate. When a person thinks of me, they think of me as a married man. I would be surprised if any person that has known me for any length of time would not have mentioned my wife when talking about me. And that is the point of marriage and being married. They see us as two sides of the same coin. They see us as one person. 

You see, my wife and I are so bonded and connected to each other it is like we are the same person. But, at the same time, we still retain our individuality. It is almost like we have a dual personality, and we will refer to our spouses often when talking or doing. The best way to describe it is when a couple that are truly married both in mind and soul, they are like the trinity of God. God, husband, and wife are together as one entity, but we all exist as individuals too. It is hard to understand the Trinity of God for the average person but for a married couple, they can imagine how that can be true since they themselves think they are one person when it comes to their marriage. 

This is why divorce is so devastating to a person or .. . . .it should be. 

A marriage that ends in divorce is akin to a person dying. In this case it is even more so since the death of the marriage leaves behind only pieces of what once was two bonded and stable people. After the divorce there is only pain and bitterness and anger and vindictiveness. These things are not what our society needs to be spread throughout our community. 

And this type of heart that celebrating divorce comes from ....

 Well,

It comes from pain.

It comes from anger.

It comes from bitterness. 

It comes from a person who is feeling loss. 

Celebrating divorce is no celebration. 

It is a coping mechanism for what they know will be coming. What is coming is shame and guilt and loss and loneliness. What is coming is understanding that the dreams of having that "other half" your entire life will not be there. What is coming is either the acceptance of never having a marriage again or the will to try and find another and hoping against hope that it will be what the other was not. Deep down though . . . what is the likelihood a second go around will be more than the first? or the second? or the third? Statistics don't lie. It is basically not in the cards if it didn't work the first time.

I can't describe what a loss it is to see a marriage fail. Any marriage. No matter what the reason is. It means that somewhere either one or both of them missed the meaning of what being married is supposed to be. They were in love and they were excited about spending their lives together. They were ready you take on the world and make a Happy life with each other. What happened to that? Where and why did that mentality and drive die? Somewhere along the way they missed how vital it is to protect and nurture and know how tight a bond it needs to be.

And at the end, I need to be super clear about what I am saying. Do not stay married if there is abuse or danger or violence or drugs or the children are in danger. Anyone who has read my journals should know that I will not advocate for staying married if there is danger in the marriage. 

What I am getting at is that people need to be more aware of what marriage is and how deep of a spiritual and soulful covenant it is. They need to discover and internalized this before they consider marriage. We are talking about bonding to the point where you feel like you and your spouse are one person with a complementary dual personality. It is not a spur of the moment thing or whimsical or "lets give it a try." People need to know what they will want and what type of person they need to truly be able to bond in the way that I am describing. Then they have to look at what living life is and be able to understand that the pitfalls of life will attack and erode what strengthens a marriage. Then they have to set their minds to never let all of the actions and words and habits that bonded them into wanting to be married slip away in lack of effort. If you think you can find that "spark" in someone else after being married so long, then look no further than your spouse. It was there in the beginning, and you can have it again . . . . even easier than finding it outside of the marriage!

I just can't think of a worse event that leaves a person worse off in life than being divorced. It meant that they were happy at one time and now their dream of being with someone for life has been broken. It is especially tragic when one of the spouses is blind-sided by the other. But then, isn't that most often? These people are the ones that are truly broken for life. 

And then there are those who go out and celebrate only to suffer later when the reality of how it affects them really sets in. And for some it may take years but make no mistake. . . .that realization is coming. Make no mistake. 

Celebrating divorce is no celebration. 

"Are you Against Trans?"

"Are you against trans?"

I said, "What do you mean 'against'?"

"What do you think of trans people?"

I thought for a moment and then replied, "I believe that a biological man is a man and a biological woman is a woman. I disagree that a man can literally be a woman or vice versa just because they say so or they say something to the effect that they are in a foreign body or that they just feel like the opposite sex."

They then said with a finality in their voice, "So, you are transphobic then."

I asked, "What do you mean when you say the word 'transphobic'?"

"Well, you don't like trans people."

"Oh, Okay . . . then no," I said. " I am not transphobic."

"But you just said you hated them, " they argued.

"No," i said slowly with a hint of a question, "That is not what I said."

"Yes, you did," starting to work themselves up. I could tell they were getting ready to pick a fight.

"No . . .  I said that I didn't believe that a person can be a different biological sex just because they say so or if they say they feel like they are a different sex. I never said I hated them. You know, I can disagree with a person's philosophy or feelings and still not hate them for their views. Right? "

"Then you are transphobic."

I started to understand now where they are coming from. "Look. When a person says that word - 'transphobic', they are talking about a fear that is in another person that causes them to want to harm or commit acts of violence on the group of people solely because of some belief those people hold.. . .  I . . . do . . . not. . . . feel that way.

"I don't hate these people. I don't want harm to come to them. I don't want to hurt them at all. I don't want anyone else to hurt them either. I am not grossed out by them or want to avoid them or shun them in anyway whatsoever. But, I am a science guy, and I just don't believe that a person can literally become the opposite sex just because they don't think they are the one they were born as or because they say they are in the wrong body. That is just absurd. I think it is impossible for a man to say they are literally woman because the only thing about their body that is a woman is their thoughts and feelings. They can say it all they want but, in reality, every single cell they are made up of is screaming 'male!' because they have Y chromosomes in them. They will never ever truly feel what a woman feels like no matter how much they argue to the contrary. It is unreasonable for a person to force me to believe and agree to something that is not true. I mean, it is not even a belief because there are measurable observable differences between men and women. To me, it is impossible for a man to literally be a woman or vis versa because of what I know about genetics and biology."

"Then you are against them."

"There is that word again . . . 'Against.' It depends on what you mean by the word 'Against'," I said again. "Am I against them being able to express whatever image that fits the way they feel? Nope. Am I against who they choose to love and have relationships with? Nope. Will I vote against them being able to marry the opposite biological sex or even the same biological sex? Nope. 

"You see, these are freedoms that don't get in the way of my freedoms and there is no reason to stop them from those choices or discriminate against them in these instances. 

"On the other hand, am I against a trans person using a bathroom that is not their biological sex? Yes. It does not matter to me at all personally, but it does invade people's personal privacy. And the law protects your privacy. There are also other choices for using the bathroom like stalls and unisex bathrooms to use as accommodations to not being able to use your 'preferred' bathroom and locker rooms. I am against gender affirming surgeries for anyone that is under the age of 21 because they are still children and need to mature to the point where their bodies and brains are fully developed. These treatments are irreversible, and children are fickle when their brains are not fully developed. Dress and act how you want but don't allow children to permanently change their bodies when they are not even fully grown yet. After 21, go for it. I don't care, it is your body and your money and you are an adult. "

 I saw that if I disagreed with some of these crazy ideas . . .  that if I didn't accept trans people and what they believed wholly and completely that I was against them in all respects and "transphobic". But I grew up in an age where differing views were just that, differing views. We are all people and have our own thoughts and beliefs. To call someone a "phobic" anything just because they disagree with you is just crazy talk. Like I said to this person, I can have differing views and still treat you as a human being. Seriously. I am not going to stop being kind and considerate of you just because I am not going to agree that you are a woman when you are literally a man. 

"Look," I said.

"I can disagree with them and reject their philosophy as false and still understand that they have freedoms given to them and are free to make their own choices. I also can disagree and want them to not get in the way of other people's freedoms - like personal privacy of the sexes and deciding on behalf of children to have sex changing surgeries. Hell, I can disagree with their beliefs and still be friends and kind to them. Disagreeing with a person does not mean you hate them. It just means you disagree with them. It does not mean you want to harm or hurt them. There is a difference. Until people can go back to understanding that, the better off our whole society will be."

Mom

    I was talking to mom the other day and she said something that really hit me hard in the gut. She said that since she didn't have a college degree or went to school that she felt that she was not as accomplished or successful as dad or any of her children. And my first thought is that she had no idea what she has done in her life that carried as much (if not... More!) importance to the world as the rest of us. 

    My mom set her lot in life to be a homemaker and there was a time in which this was kind of looked down upon. But you know what? Look at how our society is like now with all these working women. Look at how feminism and economy has driven the mother out of the house into the work place. I don't think the average person has any idea of how pivotal that change in our social values, that being a stay at home mom being frowned upon, has on the health of our society. 

    This entry though is about my mom. And even amongst all the moms in the world, she really is one of a kind. 

     I have been fortunate to experience parents that are very different from each other in their approach to raising their kids. I have posted about dad already and this one will be about mom. As I was growing up, ma was a stay-at-home mom and she not only took care of my brother, two sisters, and I, she also sitted for about ten to 13 other kids during the summer. So, she was a mom to lots of other kids. Ma understood the uniqueness of each of us and also took a lot of time to work out how each of us "ticked."

    My brother needed a firm hand and needed a lot of tools to control and regulate his anger and emotions. Ma really had a knack on him with that. My sisters had a lot of restrictions on them. One needed to understand that being strong willed and stubborn did not mean that you could just go all wild and do what you wanted. The other struggled with esteem and motivation which required a whole other set of tools to deal with. 

    And then there was me. I was the black sheep of the kids. Seriously, ma said that she would have thought I was switched at birth if my brother and I were not the only ones in the nursery at the time. I was the one that had a brain that never stopped thinking and wondering and exploring. I think Ma loved to just watch me do my thing and really enjoyed seeing how my mind worked. She is often heard saying, "Before you get mad at him, you need to ask him why he was doing what he was doing. Because he always had a reason and his reasons usually made sensed to a little boy even if they were not right." That is where my mom really was set apart from other moms. She knew her kids and she knew that they all had different needs and boundaries. And I can't thank her and appreciate her enough for never putting me in a mold. She let us carve out the mold that suited us best. 

    As I grew older, I found that ma (and dad too) was always going to listen and hear me out.  I would call her at all times of the day. She would listen to me vent and yell and cuss and cry my frustrations out. She would listen to all my excitement and giddiness for some nerdy thing or other. She never rushed or avoided us at all. She always had the time and now that I look back, I really needed that. I needed her a lot to bump me onto the right path and to guide my thinking and actions so that I could figure out my world. I needed her to listen and not mock anything I was curious about until I learned how to find out stuff for myself. 

My mom is a unicorn now and I don't think there are enough of us left that know the value of a mom like her. It is very rare to have a mom that is kind, intuitive, nurturing, loving, and best of all . . . . present. And that is truly a missing part of our society that is telling when you look at our youth today.