Your mind lies to you

Not feeling good about myself at the moment. Of course it is all in my head and my reason is fighting back against my feelings. 

My feelings are just fighting back a little harder today. 

You know?

I posted this to Facebook awhile back and when I looked back through to find a post, I came across it again. I have been feeling this way more and more often. I don't know, maybe it's age or maybe it's because I am still struggling with my son.... I just haven't really felt good about myself or felt good overall for awhile now. 

I reread one of the comments from a former student:

I think of you often and how enthusiastic you made us feel about school and learning. The rest of us feel good about you when we think of you. But the mind can be so cruel — take heart in knowing that the people you love would never allow someone to speak to you the way your own mind does. It lies. Your record doesn’t.

And my response:

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. The mind does lie to you and often when you are weak after fighting the trials of life a bit. You know, we pick all our battles except for one..... the battle with ourselves. You don't have any choice when it comes to fighting yourself. You can't run or hide from yourself and your thoughts. And when life is hard and the battles you choose drag on and on..... your mind and thoughts deceive you and creep out of the shadows. But, I have found it is temporary if you got a good measure of grit and friends and those people you have made an impact on. 

After reading this again I try to recenter myself but it's so hard. You know? Because it is as true now as it was then ... You can not run or hide from your own thoughts. We are trapped with them and they always come from the deepest worry and fears that we try to lock away. 

They bubble up and will not be ignored . 

Worries. 

Fears. 

Almosts.

Past pains.

Past trauma. 

You thoughts will cycle through and haunt you with memories and maybes and what ifs until you just want to crawl into a hole in your mind. 

But, that will not help anything. So I tell my mind it lies and I carry on. Because what else is there? What kind of life can I look forward to if I crumble to those thoughts? 

Not much, eh?