But Damn.......
I am just going to say it. I don't feel like I look good. . . . You know. I don't feel attractive.
I know, what does it matter? Why am I making a big deal? I should be more confident. I shouldn't let the outside world determine my worth and all that other bull crap that I never give into. What I am dwelling on is being desirable to my wife. That's the issue.
I don't feel like I my wife desires me. . . . like desires me..... you know?
Intrusive thoughts.
I know my wife loves me and she is loyal and loves to spend time with me. She depends on me and looks to me for my steadfast personality and how I understand a lot of things that confuse her. She loves how I talk about her all the time and how I make a fuss over her and take care of her. But......
But, I don't know if she desires me in the can't keep her hands off want to take me into the bedroom kind of way.
You see, we aren't intimate in that way anymore because the births of our kids. And I am not going to get into that since it is in other blogs I have posted.
So, this is the issue. She expresses her worry of me "not getting what I need," so I think she tries not to start anything because she and I both know that we are unable to . . . . you know. And I get that, really I do but I also love all the other stuff too. I am one of those before and after guys where the lead up and the cuddle after is as important (or maybe more) than the actual thing itself. And this is where I am missing it. She is not doing that as much anymore. And it is hard to not wonder if she just doesn't think I am hot enough or she is not attracted to me like the I WANT YOU NOW way.
Because I want all that other stuff too . . . like bad. . . even if we can't with the one thing.
And I am letting my mind believe it's me. I am thinking it is because I just am not someone she wants to kiss on or feel up or cuddle with anymore. I am not proverbially "doing it for her" anymore. I think it is getting to me because she will talk about actors she sees on tv or movies being hot or how she has wants to . . . with them . . . . all in jest of course but with a nugget of truth, you know . . . . but she never says anything like that to or about me or when I am around. Not anymore.
Sometimes I wonder if she just doesn't feel that way about me anymore. I am wondering if she has lost attraction to me.
And that is what is eating away at me.
You know. . . I should just have an open honest chat with her, but I don't even want to ask or talk about it with her. I don't want to hear what she says if I bring it up. I mean, she could tell me that she desires me still but then I will not think I will believe her because she doesn't talk about me like that or kiss me as much or wants me to touch her in an intimate way.
And what if she just confirms what I am thinking and how I am feeling..... I don't think I would be able to mentally and emotionally be able to take it. How could I look at her and touch her knowing she felt nothing . . . not desire or want of me? I would be like a brother or just a buddy to her or something. Nothing more. God, I would be shattered and broken inside.
So, I am letting these intrusive thoughts in against my will, and they are taking more and more of a hold on me. I don't know what to do about them but then I don't want to do anything because I am petrified of finding out my fears are true.
So, I guess I will just man up and ignore it all and get what I can get and just set aside those thoughts the best that I can because the alternative would be more devastating and more of a nightmare than just living with the intrusive thoughts.
And that is it. That is what I am going to do.
I just hope they will not eat me inside out over time.
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