Family therapy

 Well I'll be starting family therapy soon. I'm not sure how to feel about that. My son has been pushing me for a long time to get this going and he says it'll "fix"this. In my mind though I don't know what he's expecting the word "fix" to mean in this context.

I'm struggling still and things are still going about the same. Well, not exactly but I still have a lot of stress. He had another episode and this time he really scared me. He pounded on my back and made advances on my wife. Now, there is no way he could hurt me seriously but his mom? Well..... The courts forced him into a group home.... And that triggered another episode of verbal abuse and depression and threats to kill himself. 

Then he verbally abused me again and the court gave him a No Contact order which means if he wanted to send me a message he would have to get an ok from the court person to do so. And yet again... More verbal abuse and another episode of telling me he would kill himself and it was all my fault. 

To add to that, I feel that my wife may not understand why I am being like I am. I have been distancing myself from him more and more. The things he says to me and the way he makes me feel have really messed with my mental health. She was upset with me yesterday and said that it was absurd why they stopped his contact with us and that she would divorce me in order to be able to see him. . . . 

I hate to hear her say it and I want to believe that she said it out of frustration and feelings of helplessness but I don't know. I have been having anxiety and panic attacks with the fear of this whole thing with my son breaking my marriage apart. I have been feeling that way for over a year. I keeping thinking "how long?" How long and what would it actually take to be the last straw with her to call it quits? My mind breaks and a pain hits the pit of my stomach to even think about it. 

And then in the next breath she asked me how I could just disown him or give up on him so easily. And that really hurt. I retaliated back and my pain reared up. I talked a bit harsh and bitterly to her which I never do.... But this topic of my son brings it out of me so easily now. I said that I didn't just give up or disown him. I said I have spent a lot of time the last couple of years in appointments and paperwork and time in hospitals and miles on my truck and money and applications on him..... I have not just given up on him. 

I've been broken by him.

And then we took a break. Because my wife and I don't keep arguments going. I guess because we understand that going round and round is pointless. We each had our say and that was it. 

But I still feel like it is inevitable that my son and our situation is going to break my marriage. . . And I don't think I can do anything to stop it without going back to the way it was. Even then, it would still end up in my divorce because of the way it was when he was living at home. 

And I will not go back to the way it was..... That was affecting my health and well being. I can't let that happen. 

Not even for my marriage. 

So family therapy is next. He is finally getting what he wanted in that respect and I am still of the mind that it will not change anything between us. He is abusive and manipulative. He lashes out at me for laying down boundaries and having reasonable expectations of him becoming a self sufficient independent adult. But it is too much for him and I am a monster for expecting that much from him. He is too scared and too dependant on us..... Way too much. 

So I have started to get together my side and my story for the family therapist. I have said before that I usually am not listened to or no one takes what I have gone through into account because I am not the one with diagnosis and I am not they one on medication or have weekly therapy for my problems. So I am not the one that needs help. But we will see. 

I need my son to be on his own. Making his own money and living his own life separate from us. I need him to stop abusing me with words and manipulation. I need him to quit trying to work my wife against me ..... To stop trying to get her to fall farther away from me..... To keep her from saying things like she will divorce me. 

I am still not doing that well. My mental health is suffering and I know I have depression and I suffer from elevated anxiety levels. My health is declining with the stress and mental load with my blood pressure getting out of hand and my tremors coming and going. I just don't know what to do anymore. But I am trying this family therapy to see if it will help in any way. 

I just live in fear and anticipation that my life and everything I have built withy family and marriage and work will disintegrate before my eyes one of these days because of this whole ordeal with my son.

And that scares the hell out of me.