Family therapy III

 Well. I poured it all out. I bared my pain and worries and fears. I cried and shook and ranted non stop for over an hour. I am not sure how well he understood or truly knew what I had gone through for the last couple years but once I started the story it flowed out of me like a mud slide. It started slow and gained momentum and drew in everything as to flowed to the end. And do I think it helped? No. Not really. It was fast and dirty. It was chaos and disjointed. It had all the trash and debris all throughout. But I said what I said. 

I also left with him a stack of papers that I hope would give him an idea of what I had been living through the last few years. But will it do justice the the actual problem and pain and abuse and manipulation I have gone through? I don't think I can portray that to anyone..... Not even my wife. Because it's like I said at the the session, she knows it all but I was the one that experienced most of it. And that is because I was protecting her from a lot of it. I was shielding her from as much of the bad stuff that I could. So she knew but she really didn't know it all. 

And today, he will be in his session and it makes me wonder what he will say. I am sure of one thing ... It will be night and day compared to me because my son sees life like no one else does. He has a victim personality and he has no empathy whatsoever for what I have been through. And when I describe my feelings to him, he says he doesn't care. It's because he does not have the ability to imagine what it is like to be another person. He is incapable of it. The he will blame me for it all. He will say I am the reason he feels like killing himself and I am the reason he is depressed and anxious and unemployed and went to jail and that he is the way he is because of me. Everything that is wrong with him or has gone wrong for him is because of me. He will take no responsibility for it at all. 

And so here is the question that will roll through my head. . . . What will he think? Who will he believe more? Or will he just say that we are both seriously messed up. 

Who knows? We will have to see what happens when we are in the frost session together next week. 

Until then......