Why I married her.

 Are you ready? The following is why I married my wife. It took a while to decide and like I have said a few times before, finding my wife was one of the most deliberate endeavors I have ever done. It sounds so heartless and without emotion, but that is far from the truth. 

It all started back when I was a teen and I was looking to have a girlfriend. But, I was "That Guy." Even though I struck out in the friend zone all the time, I paid attention to those around me and really developed what I thought a relationship should look like. You know as well as I do that there is no shortage of examples in high school to draw upon to develop what you like and don't like when it comes to finding a parner. 

So, here is where I started to develop my sense of what I wanted. I hated to see verbally abusive relationships. It ground my gears to hear them say they were in love and the turn around and insult or be hateful to each other. Seriously, people! That's not love, eh? It really bugged me seeing the on-and-off relationship where they would break up and then get back together all the time. I called them trampolines. Then of course you have the manipulative ones where one or the other played brain games.... I guess now they now called it gaslighting. Whatever. It has been around forever no matter what name you give it. And, holy crap is that a messed up type of relationship!

I saw all that and more and I filed it away in my mind to remember for when I eventually broke that irritating Friend Zone curse. Don't get me wrong, I dated a few times but being the type of guy that was friend-zoned all the time and being a huge introvert, it was not like I was a lion in a pride of lionesses. You know? It was more like a pin ball just bumping into people and sometimes they held on for a moment or two and then kicked back out into the game again.

I was really cautious too. I saw and learned a lot from my siblings and their boyfriends and girlfriends. Holy crap were some of them messed up! I didn't agree with some of the things my sisters did like how many partners they had as I was growing up but that was just my thing. I was not going to do that..... Not that girls were beating down my door anyway. My brother was gaslighted and manipulated for most of his high school years. No way for me! I knew one thing very early on - I was too sensitive and emotional to get serious too fast. Emotionally I knew I would not be able to handle the heartbreak. 

So here it is. After much time, awkwardness, and being weird, the following is why I married my wife.

I will start with the first time I met her. We were at a coffee social that was put on by the residence assistant to promote community in the dorm I was staying. I remember going and seeing her there. The very first thing I noticed was her smile. It was instant infatuation. Dang! I saw it and thought, I love this smile! Then she asked me something, I really don't know what it was but I thought that I had to see if I could get her to smile at me some more! We started to talk. I found out how intelligent she was and that she was going to be a teacher like I was. I could feel the drive in her and the goals she had set for herself. It drew me in more to her. I was definitely interested. And that smile..... did I say she had a great smile?

We ended up talking the night away to like 4 in the morning. It was hours and hours of just getting to know each other. Then I asked if she would be going to a meeting the next day that I was going to and asked if I could take her. Then we talked of going to a coffee house and then a movie and then we started to hang out together as much as we could. I really enjoyed that we talked so easily and never really ran out of stuff to talk about. 

After that, I had to know about her family. It was important to me that her family and I got along. The first meeting of her family was dropped on me when they decided to drop by about a two weeks after we met. I was seeing her every day at least in passing by that time. Well, she just dropped by with them at my door way one day and we talked in the hallway for a while. Then I visited them for a couple of days for the spring break and knew that she had really great parents. Her dad reminded me of my Grandpa.

After about a six months, we had grown in our relationship to lay bare our most hidden thoughts and some feelings or things that we have done that we were not -proud of. Let me tell you, if you feel that some one is laying bare their soul with something that they are ashamed of or it eats away at their insides, it is critical that you respond with empathy, reassurance, and with compassion. And that means no matter how trivial that whole thing is to you. 

She said that she was in a hard relationship before me that she thought would be "The ONE." Well, there was a day where she thought she was pregnant and had a scare. It turned out that she was not. To me that is trivial. She wasn't pregnant so no harm - no foul. But to her, this was a very emotional rollercoaster to her because to her the possibility of becoming pregnant when she was not ready reflected on who she was and how responsible she was and things like that. To me it was not a big deal, people have pregnancy scares all the time. To her, is was a very personal reflection of who she was and what her morals were. Trust me, that was important to how I approach that part of our relationship. This was the time when she also started to let go of the fear left by that crippling relationship experience (he eventually cheated on her and got another girl pregnant) and started to get closer to me. And I did the same to her.  

As time went on we had struggles and emergencies that just come with life. Going to the hospital, and broken down cars, and money problems, and job problems, and school stress, and a host of other things. I found that she was very good with advice and thinking ahead. She managed stress horribly but looked to find solutions instead of blame. We made plans of attack with the best of our knowledge and our best wisdom at the time and she stood by me and I stood by her to get things straightened out. I developed a trust for her that went deep and I believe that she did too. 

Then about a year into our relationship we started to talk "business" of becoming even more involved. We started to talk about what our idea of marriage was and it was not all love and hallmark movie. We talked about things like how many children we would like and what church we would go to and where we would live if we got married and where we would like to work and how we would manage money and save for retirement. Stuff like that. In the end, love is truly not enough no matter what the romantics say. Love drives the will to make life easier for both of you.

That's about the time I had cemented in my mind that I was ready to pray about marrying this girl and asking her to be my wife. 

There was still more though. I still needed to see how she talked about being a wife. I still needed time to hear how she reacted to what she saw others do in their relationship and how spoke of other people and what they did. That, to me, says a lot about her deep inside feelings of commitment and how she would act and be in our marriage. What I saw and heard and experience was making me fall even deeper. 

The last and most important part of knowing if my wife was the one for me has to do with feeling, emotions, and well being. It started on that first night when I caught a glance of her smile. The feelings I had then! Seriously. I was hooked and infatuated like hell. I am not kidding when I say that love is not enough. But love is the fuel. I loved to listen to my wife talk about her future job and her ideas. Her voice goes up and she speaks with enthusiasm and her eyes light up with her excitement.  I loved to hear and watch to her with babies. I craved to know what she thought and how she saw what is happening. I enjoyed bragging on her because I truly believe that she is one of the most intelligent people I know. I found comfort in knowing that she will stay with me and will be faithful. I don't worry about it or feel the need to be jealous. I don't have to defend it at all. I just know. She shows me all the time with her words and notes, and little gifts, and the time she spends with me, and the places she wants to take me and the hugs and kisses and cuddling and all the other things she does. Most of all, I loved how just her mere touch makes my whole being relax and let go of all the toxic feelings I have. I don't worry as much. I let go of anxiety. I let go of anger. I let go of sadness. I become calm and peaceful. She centers me and helped me to just be in touch with being. It is deep and I look at what I have just written and it seems so pitiful and dull to what it really felt like. 

And to this very day, it is all the same but more intense. You know?

And that is when I decided to pop the question. It was just the two of us. I didn't want fan fair or a big show. I wanted it to be just us because in my mind our marriage would be just us and this moment was sacred and intimate. It was a moment for just us to experience with no one to put their spin or influence on it. And I asked her. And she said yes, and I think that my heart exploded and melted all at the same time. It was truly the beginning of an endless happiness for me. 

This is really a pathetic and crazy pale description to how I really feel about why I married my wife and to this day am more in love with her than ever. but, here it is because you ask me why. 

The after math

    The brain is such a complex and intricate piece of biology that there is no way it will ever be figured out. The chemical soup that scientists can say they understand and know what the chemicals and reactions are, but then have no freakin' idea how they create the soul and personality. It will run you into a rabbit hole for several lifetimes! This is why I truly believe that it can only be created by God. In the end, scientists only sit back and scratch their heads wondering, "How the hell can all these reactions create a person with such a unique personality all their own?" 

    But I digress. What I am really stuck on lately is the fact that I am in a struggle as a father to help and guide my son to where he needs to be in order to cope with life and be the independent man I know he can become. Honestly, the last year has been filled with so many ups and downs, progress and setbacks that it is hard to explain to the regular guy that we are mentally and emotionally stretched beyond what we thought we could go. It all has to do with that known but still mysterious workings of the brain. 

    So here we are in the after math. He is home after his third stay in the hospital for attempted self-harm. It was crazy terrible, and this stay started with calling 911 in a mess of who can remember the insanity of that nightmare of 30 mins. Seriously, I remember restraining him and the police giving my wife and I one last bit of comforting words of "He's safe now" before we were left alone. Everything in between is a blur of repressed memories and emotion.

    Now that he is home, I am in this phase of "What Now?" I mean my wife and I have tried so many things. We have done more tests and more types of medicine and different therapists and more supporting programs and more encouraging and . . . . .and . . ..  . and . . . .  We are tired and our mental strength is waning. It is hard to explain but we still are at this blocked road with a sign that reads, "Seriously, What Else Can Be Done?"

    We can't give up though. This can't be the end. I refuse to give in. 

    I think that after this last stay that maybe the stress on him is starting to change his goals. I think that maybe he is starting to see that we are still going and that we will not back down from what we want. The aftermath of this stay seems to be a little different. I mean he still is battling his own mental wars with anxiety and being around people and being able to cope with stress and all that. But this time, I think maybe his mind set has changed a little. At least it seems like it has. 

    I mean, he is not mentally ill. Not really if you think about it. He just perceives his world around him differently. He doesn't approach the average social situation in that same way and his mind can play tricks on him to believe or fear things that are not really there. This is the part that needs to be overcome. The hardest part of it is to help him to understand that it starts with him. We have to get him to know that half or more of the work to overcome these difficulties and to work around them is his work to be done. It is up to him and that he has to work at changing the way he sees and thinks about the world around him. 

    Of course, the actual hardest part is to get him to really believe deep down that he is not only capable of doing this but also totally able to do it as well. 

    This is the roadblock. This is the part that really is the crux of all of it. And once we figure out how to dismantle that roadblock he is standing in front of and get him get through, everything else will fall into place. 

    Even then, though, it will still be a long road. There will be a long way to go still and a lot of pitfalls, progress and setbacks. It is inevitable. 

God, the brain is a mysterious piece of biology.  

 

My Grandpa's Flag

 

 

Mom and Dad,

As I finish up the display for my grandpa’s flag, memories come flooding back of what type of man he was. Honestly, it is hard to say this but he would be scorned and hated in today’s society. You see, he was a man’s man. He ruled his house with a hard hand and temperament that was rough and gruff. He was the king of his castle, and his wife and kids were going to tow the line. He also said racial slurs and had very black and white views. I never could get him to stop calling Italians “Degos” and I never found out why he called them that.

But you see, my grandpa grew up in a time of our country’s history that was hard. It was a time where you never knew when your next meal was going to come your way and you knew you would be still hungry afterward. It was a time where you would work all day just to get one meal for that day. It was a time where no one had anything, and the Depression was going strong. It was during his time that World War II ravaged the world, and he went across seas to fight to keep it from landing in his country where his wife and children were. When he came back from the war, he made a good living as an electrician where he was able to use his hands and his considerable problem-solving skills to literally build the Depression scared country from the ground up.

My grandpa was hard. He snapped hard and he could hit hard. But he had a hard life and the Great Depression and war had toughened him into stone. Today he would be seen as a Bigot or unwoke. He would be hated for the way he talked about other races or about sexual orientation. The man I knew though was much different. He was very judgmental but he also judged a man by his works and the hard work they accomplished. He judged them by their heart and their deeds. No matter what they looked like or what they believed or the words he used when talking about them, he respected good hard working men. He was passionate about his family and country. He insisted that I learned to do anything I set my mind to and to think before I did it. He said that we needed to work smarter and that it was the way to get more work done without hurting ourselves. He was the one that taught me that below the rough exterior was a softness and deep caring that was hard to see but hard to miss.

I work on his flag, the symbol of honor that was draped over him as I helped carry him to rest, and all these memories come flooding back. I learned a lot from him as I know all my siblings did. We didn’t agree with some of the ways he did things or the way he talked or felt about people. What we knew of him though was that he lived a life that would be literal hell to most kids of my time and he survived it. He was driven to pass his grit down to me. And I needed it even if at the time I had no idea I needed it.

I work on this flag and case and I hope that it does him honor. He was a product of his time and the times he experienced. And he truly did represent what I think of as a patriot and a man that loved his family and country. I hope that I am carrying on his legacy well for he was truly one of the men that made our country great.

 

The Meanings Behind Rituals for Military and Veteran Funerals

 

        Covering the Casket with a Flag

        Covering the casket with the flag became a custom during the Napoleanic wars (1796-1815). The dead carried from the field of battle on a caisson were covered with a flag, so that each side could identify their own dead. Draping the flag of a nation over a military serviceperson’s or veteran’s casket serves to remind the living of that person’s service and sacrifice for that country.

 

The 21-Gun Salute

        The 21-gun salute – seven guns shot three times – came from a signal to stop fighting to allow each side to clear the dead from the field of battle. Once each army had cleared its dead, it would fire three volleys to indicate that the dead had been cared for and that they were ready to go back to fighting.

        In the earliest days of cannon and firearm use, the British National Salute was recognized as being comprised of seven guns. Although a ship could fire seven guns for honors, fort-based guns could fire three shots to one shot afloat. In that day, gunpowder of sodium nitrate was easier to keep on shore than at sea.

Over time, as the quality of gunpowder improved by the use of potassium nitrate, the sea salute was made equal to the shore salute.

        A 21-gun salute was the highest national honor. Although for a period of time monarchies received more guns than republics, eventually republics claimed equality. The United States adopted the 21-gun and “Gun for Gun Return” on August 17, 1875.

       

A Short History of Taps

          Taps is an American bugle call, composed during the Civil War by Union Brigadier General Daniel Butterfield at Harrison’s Landing, Virginia, in 1862. The call, and the name Taps, was officially adopted by the U.S. Army in 1874.

The 24-note melancholy bugle call is thought to be a revision of a French bugle signal, called “tattoo,” that notified soldiers to cease an evening’s drinking and return to their garrisons. It was sounded an hour before the final bugle call to end the day by extinguishing fires and lights.

        The first time Taps was played at a military funeral may also have been in Virginia soon after Butterfield composed it. Union Capt. John Tidball, head of an artillery battery, ordered it played for the burial of a cannoneer killed in action. Not wanting to reveal the battery’s position in the woods to the enemy nearby, Tidball substituted Taps for the traditional three rifle volleys fired over the grave.

          Taps was played at the funeral of Confederate Gen. Stonewall Jackson 10 months after it was composed. Army infantry regulations by 1891 required taps to be played at military funeral ceremonies. Taps now is played by the military at burial and memorial services, to accompany the lowering of the flag and to signal the “lights out” command at day’s end.

 

The Flag Folding Ceremony

It takes 13 individual folding movements to create the blue field/white star triangle encasing the American flag. Two people conduct the ceremony, with precision and solemn attention.

        If there is no body in a casket, such as at a memorial service where the deceased has been cremated, the flag may be unfolded and re-folded with just as much solemn attention.

       

1.      1. The 1st fold of our flag is a symbol of life.

2.      2. The 2nd fold is a symbol of our belief in eternal life.

3.      3. The 3rd fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing our ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world.

4.     4.  The 4th fold represents our weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance.

5.      5. The 5th fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, “Our Country,” in dealing with other countries, may she always be right; but it is still our country right or wrong.

6.      6. The 6th fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that “We pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.”

7.    7.   The 7th fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic.

8.      8. The 8th fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day.

9.      9. The 9th fold is a tribute to womanhood, and Mothers. For it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.

10.10.   The 10th fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for defense of our country since they were first born.

11.  11. The 11th fold represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon and glorifies in the Hebrews’ eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

12.  12. The 12th fold represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in the Christians’ eyes, God the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.

13.  13. The 13th fold, or when the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding us of our nation’s motto, “In God We Trust.”

       

Three Bullet Casings Slipped Into Folded Flag

The military funeral honors also include a ceremony in which the honor guard removes the flag from the casket and carefully folds it, with the blue field of stars facing up. Then, the folded flag is presented to the deceased person's family as a token of gratitude for that person's service.

The flag detail often slips three shell casings into the folded flag before presenting the flag to the family. Each casing represents one volley. This gesture provides a slightly different meaning for the symbolism of the three bullets in a military funeral.

Some military traditionalists argue that the shell casings should not be slipped into the flag as it's being folded since doing so would require opening a flap of the flag. Instead, the shell casings should be retrieved and presented separately to the next of kin.

Flag Presentation to the Family

What members of each service branch say to the family upon presentation of the flag differs by service.

 

Army: “As a representative of the United States Army, it is my high privilege to present you this flag. Let it be a symbol of the grateful appreciation this nation feels for the distinguished service rendered to our country and our flag by your loved one.”

Forgiveness Part 2 - Yes, years and years later.

     I have stated earlier that I will not forgive him for what he had done to me. I would like to think that I have a very forgiving heart and will let go of just about anything and everything. There was one season in my life though that weighed very heavy on my heart every time the subject came up in sermons or conversations or just in memory. My unforgiveness was for the one who went to such lengths to upset, displace, and attack my first teaching job and in doing so, changed my life forever. 

    After many many years and talking with church members and my pastor, I find that maybe I didn't understand what forgiveness really meant.  When I said that I would not forgive him, I really was saying that there will never be a day that I would tell this man that it was ok for what he did to me. There would never be a day where if he approached me and asked if I would tell him that he was right and that I was alright with it that I would say sure. Because I will not. 

    But then that is not the point, now is it? They say that forgiveness is for you and not for them. That's the point. Right? It is for you and the peace of your heart. Forgiveness is not really about telling someone that it was alright to wrong you. Forgiveness is not saying that the wrong they did to you was fine and that you don't feel it was wrong anymore. It is more of how the thought and idea of the wrong impacts your life and what you feel should happen to the one who did you wrong.

    You see, I really did have unforgiveness in my heart back when it all happened. I held on to it daily and it consumed my mind to the point that it was the only thing I thought day and night. I blamed him for all my ills and how I had to give up my house and my financial stability and security of being close to family and the shame I felt for not being able to provide for my family. I blamed him for it all. 

    What he did to me controlled my life.

    It controlled my emotions.

    It consumed my brain.

    It held my heart hostage. 

    And I wanted him to hurt as bad as I was hurting. I wanted him to suffer too. I wanted to get back at him.

    That is what unforgiveness was. 

    Then the day that I can't remember and have no idea when it happened passed that I actually let go of all that anger and resentment and thoughts of harm to him. I really don't know when it happened. You see, I believe after much talk, that when you are not willing to forgive you still hold this feeling and belief inside that the person who did you so much wrong owes you something. You think that they would deserve to have ill befall them and you want them to pay for what they did. This is why forgiving is so important for you and not for them. 

    Wanting someone to suffer is not Christain. Wanting someone to suffer is letting the devil get in the way of us seeing how God works all for his good. And that is why forgiving is for us. You see, my wife and I are much better off now than if we would have stayed. I am not saying that it was easy and that all was roses. But overall, we really did end up in a better spot where I feel we are happier. We have made more of an impact and we have had more opportunities. I can point back to many times between then and now when stuff that has happened to us had to be a God thing. 

    So, if I didn't see this man again in my life, I will be just fine. If I saw him on the street and he tried to talk to me, I will be cordial and kind. I will not tell him I am okay with what he did to me but I don't wish him ill will or any type of suffering. I have let go of that part of my life and it has not had hold of me for a long time. I have forgiven that part of me and it has lost its hold over all aspects of my being and my life. 

    Forgiveness is not about telling someone that it was okay that they did you wrong. Forgiveness is about letting go of what they did so that it does not get in the way of you becoming more like Jesus. It is forgiveness by not letting it control your entire being to the point where you are blind with anger. 

    Forgiveness is for you by giving you the ability to free yourself for what God has planned for you.

    

Trapped in our own heads.

     Do you realize we are trapped inside our own body? God! How frightening is that? Nothing, and I mean nothing, is real unless your nerves that are just bags of jelly infused with chemicals, send signals to more bags of jelly. And for some useless impossible reason if you have enough of these bags of jelly and they all for some reason swap the right combination and mix of chemicals, you can have this thing called Self Awareness.

                 Yeah. Sounds crazy right?

Well, who knows what "real" really is? It is whatever your nerves tell your brain it is. And then if your nerves are not really telling the other nerves what is real, then you are just trapped in a brain full of lies. Now isn’t that just fun?

                  Me? No, this is not me. But how do you get a person to take this reality that they are trapped inside their head with and get them to realize that is it not the reality they are experiencing? Better yet, they really do understand the perception of reality defined by our culture and are deathly petrified of it and are withdrawing behind anger and meanness, and denial. How do you change that thinking? You don’t.

                  Actually, I don’t even think you can. At least I don’t think you can.

                They tell you they are telling you that nothing is working and you encourage them to keep trying. Keep practicing the techniques. They respond by telling you that they don’t work and they have tried them lots of times. They don’t work. They say that you are not helping and that telling them not to give up is making it worse. They tell you they would rather not live than feel the way they are feeling. They say that if this is the way growing up feels that they want nothing to do with it.

                They say that you are not listening.

                I am though.

                I hear you say that you are not happy and that you are scared and that you find no enjoyment in life. I hear you when you say that you are scared to talk to people and that you are scared to be alone and that you are scared to be around people you don’t know and you are scared to get to know people. I hear you when you say that you don’t feel like you can make it as an adult with these things like taxes and loans and bills and all those ethereal things that will become real too fast and too soon. I hear you when you say that you hurt all over because I understand that mental pain shows itself as physical pain. I hear you when you say you don’t think we care because we make you do this stuff to see if it will help you even though you keep saying it won't or hasn’t. I hear you.

                But I am not giving up when you tell me you want to.

                I am not giving up when you say that you already have.

                You say that I am not hearing you when you want to stop trying and I want you to keep going.

                You say I don’t care because I insist on trying when you are done trying.

                And so here we are . . . we both are filled with these sacks of jelly that seem to have just the right amount of chemicals in the right amounts that are passing back and forth. They give us this self-awareness and it is a curse to some people. To you, it seems. You are trapped in yours and I am trying to show you how to be ok with it. . . . how to manage and change the way you see and feel and touch and smell and hear the world around you. I am trying to show you that you can learn and get around those feelings and that you can feel better.

But all you feel is trapped and it scares the hell out of you.

All you feel is wanting to be nothing and you can’t change it.

All you know and are able to experience is fear and being alone in your head.

And I just don’t know what to do anymore.

But, I will tell you one thing – I still am not giving up.

Even though you have told me you have. 

Teacher insecurities- on the other side

I know the following pictures are not all up right. If you didn't know this, teachers have a file they keep encouraging notes and cards and pictures and drawings and other items. As you can see from the previous post, teaching is a damn hard job and it can wear on a person. So, we have these folders to look at when we are feeling beat up and low. They give us that grit back and let us know that no matter what the scores are or how bad the lessons go or how many more requirements are added by the state or any of the other things we can't control, we still teach people and they need us. These letters and cards say so much. Some of them are recent but some are over 15 yrs old. Yeah. You never know, huh? 

The insecurities of a teacher.

I've been thinking a lot about my career lately. Things have changed so much and the past 20 - 22years years. I have some hard memories of being a new teacher. Straight up, I was not a very good teacher when I started. I was bumbling through and I really was flying by the seat of my pants. I listened to a great mentor and tried so hard to become one of those teachers that makes a difference. You know? But it was hard. Teaching is a hard and unforgiving profession. We work with kids and those kids are impressionable and what we say and what we do, and how we respond can make the difference between building a kid up or tearing them down. Between repairing their heart and mind and ripping them open to bleed out their sense of self. A teacher truly can make or break a kid. Looking back, I can't help but to feel like I have left some scars on some kids that have affected them the rest of their lives. It's hard to carry that sort of reality.

I look back and think about all of the stuff I did and said and some of the choices I made that just make me think. . . man, was I green and over my head! I have grown so much since those first years. I struggled and held on and suffered through while others didn't make it.  And when I look back at all those memories, some hit my mind and heart hard. 

I have very strong memories of some of the kids that I've talked to. And if that happened to me today, I think about how differently I would react to it. 

I remember a day where a kid was sitting in my class. I had just finished cleaning the desks with a bleach cleaner. They were actually having difficulty with the smell and I should have known they were having an allergic reaction. How did I not know? I had no idea about such things. The day I had a kid go into a grand mal seizure. I remember my mind locking up and I was paralyzed not knowing what to do. There was the day where a student told me that their mom and been diagnosed with cancer and I think I was the only one that they chose to tell. I remember sitting after class with them just that student and me alone as they revealed this thing that must have been consuming their every thought every second of the day. And I remember saying a bunch of things that I don't think really made a difference at all.  I don't think I did a very good job comforting them or helping them through that horrible time in their lives. All that would go through my mind is how young they were for this to happen and that I knew the change in their lives and scars they would have would be with them forever. I remember a student tell me how they had a really bad experience with their relationship how they were cheated on. They were crying and I just didn't know what to say. I didn't know how to help them. And today I'm thinking, man, I could have said something so much better than what I did. I had a kid who told me about having a first experience with drugs, acid, and how they were in so much trouble with their parents. They were crying and had to talk about it and had to tell someone about their fears of being unloved and unwanted and being cast aside. I was that person and I tried to let them know how scared they must have made their parents and that all the punishments and restrictions were because they loved them soooooooo much that they had to keep them closer in order to protect them. I remember thinking how hollow that sounded and how I don't think I said it right or with the right words or the right meaning. The day I reported two kids that I suspected were cutting themselves and the look they gave me as they left school with a resource officer. I will never forget the look of pain and anger. I remember how I was left a letter of how mad a kid was with me that when they asked me if they would make a good nurse or radiologist or some other scientist, I deeply hurt their feelings by saying that they may struggle with science. In the letter I could feel the discouragement and how I felt like I was meaning well by letting them know that it will be hard work and that they felt I was saying that they couldn't do it. They were so scathing and mad that to this day I feel guilty about the possibility that I might be the sole reason if they chose not to pursue a career in the medical field. To this day I hope they pursued it with grit and passion despite me and my foolish choice of words. 

The list can go one for pages and pages. There are 22 years worth of stories like that over thousands of kids that have walked through my classes. 

All those memories. 

All those kids that I remember trying to do the right thing for. 

All those kids I tried to encourage or speak powerful words to. 

All the times I felt that I just stumbled through not knowing what the hell I was doing. 

I have been really being introspective a lot lately and it seems like I just don't know if I am doing these kids right. I don't feel like I say the right things or respond the right way. I feel like I am stumbling words and making it all worse. I see the pain in some of their eyes and I know some are seeking attention because they crave someone that will just prove to them that they are not invisible. But am I doing it in a way that is not enabling them? Am I setting a good example? Am I showing them what it is like to be tough loved or what real compassion looks like, or how someone can discipline you without it being personal or to be nice and not want anything in return, or to spend time with no strings attached or . . . or  . . . .or . . . .  I don't even know what I am saying really. Working with people...... kids........... is so impossible and difficult. Who is to say anything is right or wrong or helpful or destructive? 

I have been feeling a bit beaten down lately with family and how my profession is being attacked. People are playing the blame game and teachers are being asked to do more than humanly possible or mathematically possible. They measure how good we are with a moving target and with measuring tools that change every year. There is money being siphoned off to private interests in vouchers and charters and private schools where the money to be made in these ventures is insane. But of course, they could just use less money and just upgrade a current school to do the same thing. But who would line their pockets then? Then there are the parents who ask so much of us when there is not much at home. And the responsibilities of trying to notice if they are being harmed or harming themselves or harming others and the paperwork that goes along with it and the consequences if we don't notice or if we might have noticed but didn't or....... or.... or..... You can understand why teachers are leaving in droves. And then there is the support staff that is even worse off than the actual teachers..... and how they are leaving the system in more than droves. It is a tidal wave exodus.

Then there is our private lives and the ones I love are struggling. It has been a hard year or more. We are teachers but we are people with families and relationships outside of school too. I am struggling with wondering if I am balancing it all and not short-timing either of my boys or my wife and I have not reached out to my good friends to keep those connections. My anxiety is up and I just struggle with whether or not I am making a difference to any of it. I sit at night exhausted and tired and wondering if I did enough or accomplished enough or said enough or spent enough time. 

Isn't that the way of it though? I bet a lot who would read this would honestly say that they struggle with believing they are making any headway either. It is normal they would say and it is not life if we didn't have these stresses. I don't know about that but I know what it is like for me. I would like to believe that I am one of those who has more than the average grit than another but here I am questioning everything and wondering if it is enough. Even I have limits I guess. 

Tomorrow will come whether I want it to or not and I will be facing it again with the same grit I have for so many days and years before. Doubts are part of the whole experience even for those who seem to always have it together. The best I can do is the best I can do. Insert Cleche cleche cleche. In the end though, what else can I really do but to just keep going? It seems like from the above that the world is coming to an end but all that is just a funk I am in. There are truly a lot of good and great things happening too. I am just in a mood where I am blind to them right now. It is ok. I will be fine. You will be fine. We all will fine. 

Because tomorrow is coming whether I want it to or not and I will get up face it just like always.