How I feel about inspiring kids to be teachers.

 Boy is this a mixed bag.

You know, its funny. I didn't start college knowing I was going to be a Teacher. I knew I wanted to be a scientist but I didn't know what I wanted to be a scientist in. I thought about being a ranger or a researcher or material specialist or work for a company like Dow or UpJohn. 

Then I accepted a job to tutor college kids in classes I was good at..... Specifically chemistry. And that was it.... I had the teaching bug. Boy did I not know what I was getting into!

 There is always two sides to a story and I want to make sure you truly understand both.

It makes me wonder if they know how hard the job is.

Some things I didn't realize. I didn't realized how little I was prepared. I mean I knew the stuff. You know? I knew the science and I knew the content. What I didn't know was how to put it in a learnable way. I didn't know how to manage kids. I didn't know how to fill out the forms or plan for retirement or manage my time or keep markers from drying out too fast or organize grade books or the different ways to calculate grades or .... Or.   Or...... 

I didn't know that the salary would be so low to begin with and how slow it would be to increase. I didn't know how much of my life would be spent grading papers and planning lessons and replanning lessons and emailing parents and attending extra curricular and....and ...... And......

Then I wonder if they knew how awesome and rewarding the job is.

I didn't know how fun teaching was. It was so fun to just teach science and show kids how everything worked in the world around them. Its fun to just let go of inhibitions and just show how excited I am about everything science. Its exciting to see the kids smile and laugh and enjoy how much I get worked up. It so much fun to do the experiments with the kids or watch them enjoy performing the labs. 

With all that, I didn't know how much teaching would affect me personally and emotionally. I tell my students that once they are my kids they are always my kids and I mean it. I have laughed and cried and mourned and learned right along side of them. I've been proud and surprised and sad and disappointed with them. 

I remember many times laughing so hard and enjoying the moment so much that I forgot what I was teaching.

I remember sitting with a girl who had just told me her mom was diagnosed with cancer and would probably die. I didn't know what to say but I sat and just shared the space with her willing comfort into her.

I have watch with awe a kid build and test a machine for competitions and practically floated with them up to the stage to get their winning medal. 

I have hugged a kid and was told that my hug was the only hug they get during the day. 

I have sat in front of a class with tears in my eyes telling them that I was so happy to see them and meaning it with every atom in my body because a student I had that they didn't know died the day before. 

I have talked to parents in a gas station who tell me they can't get their kids to stop talking about my class because they liked it so much.

I have had a student that had a quarter of their brain removed with no verbal ability give me a gift for Christmas because they chose only me out of all their teachers to give a gift to. 

I have had a kid say that because of me and talking to them while looking into their eyes like I was looking into their soul.....  decided not to commit suicide the next day. 

I have watched my kids get their diploma. 

I have kids give me trinkets and small gifts because that is one of the only ways they know how to show me how much I meant to them as a teacher. And I keep a lot of them. These trinkets...... These gifts from kids make hard days easier.

I have had the honor of becoming not only a mentor but a friend of several of my kids for any years after they leave my class. It makes me feel like I really did make a difference in their lives.

And the list goes on and on and on and on...... 20 years worth of those kind of memories.

So. . . . 

So..... When a kid says that I inspired them to become a teacher, I wonder if they know. I wonder if they know how hard the job is. I also wonder if they know how awesome the job is. Then I smile and wish them luck because there is no job like it and they are in for a treat if they hit the job like a Schlipp!

Becoming a Christian

 I was asked when I became a Christian and that is a story that cannot just be put into a couple of words. By now most people understand I am not the most normal person and that I seem to look at the things around me and my world in a little different way. 

The short answer to the question is that I have always been a Christian. The long answer though, now that will take a bit. In a nutshell, I became a Christian by having Faith and it started when I was very little. 

First, I grew up in a very Christian atmosphere with my mom and dad going to church every Sunday. We went to a little bitty church in the little town only big enough to have a post office, a pharmacy, and a small butcher/grocery store. We are United Church of Christ which I found out is not Church of Christ.... there is a difference! My church seems as if it is an amalgamation of several churches with the biggest influence (I guess) being Baptist. Does that matter though? For some it does. Doesn't it?

Well anyway. You know how people tell you that when you come to Jesus that you know and that it is an experience unlike any you have ever had? You know how they say the spirit washes over you and your life changes and the earth shakes and the skies open and everything looks different? 

Well, that didn't happen to me. 

I guess the best way to describe how I became a Christian is through faith. You see, growing up in a Christian family, you just follow what your parents do or your grandparents but as you grow older and rebellion sets in, you start to question everything. I think this where all those revelations come in. People who have been Christians and believe eventually have a period of indecision and truly wonder if what they have been practicing their whole lives is actually true or not. And when their mind finally locks into the idea and they truly set that belief in their minds, soul, and hearts. . . . that's when they become a believer. That is the moment and they can remember . . . that moment when their minds and soul sheds their random indecision and doubt . . .  for the rest of their lives. After observing people become Christians, I believe a lot if not most are this way. 

I grew into Christianity through faith. I never really had that Epiphany moment. You know? I can't pinpoint the moment that I became a Christian like others can. And you know people will question whether or not I truly have given my heart to Jesus and am a Christian but In my mind, and in my heart, I always have been. I have always seen my parents and grandparents believe that there is something more that influences and guides us. When I was little, I trusted my parents implicitly. I believed what they believed because I knew how much they cared for me and would do anything for me. When I was a child I thought of my parents as the same as Jesus and God because that is what they were to me. What I was hearing in church was what they were to me at that time. You see? But was I a Christian at that time? I believe so. It was just as a child, I was thinking concrete. I was thinking that God was a parent and that is why I had my parents. 

Faith though. It is what I guided my whole life. It fueled my actions. The idea that things will work out if I believe they will work out. Some of you will hear me say I will worry about it when I have to. Well, that is where faith in our Lord and God comes from. It seems that I always test God. I went through life saying if this didn't work out or that didn't work out that there could never be a higher purpose or a higher meaning. But, it always did work out one way or another. Sometimes it took time. Sometimes it was right away. Sometimes it didn't happen and that turned out to be good int he end. Sometimes it took effort. Sometimes it took making that one choice that set everything in place. Sometimes it took looking at it from a different angle or perspective. In the end, though, everything works out. It always did and I feel always will.

Look, here are just a few things that I have put the Lord to test. When I was about 16, my grandpa fell ill and I mean I thought he was going to die. Actually, I truly believed he would die. I had it set in my mind. But I told God I was not ready for him to leave just yet and then I started to have faith that it would work out. Of course, it was not an instant miracle. Faith is not stagnat, you know? You have to be doing stuff too. Faith is also looking for those opportunities that are put in our path to take advantage of. I spent my whole spring break nursing him back to health. I believed he was going to die but then I was really having faith that he wouldn't. Having faith won.

I thought I was going to be alone my whole life. I was not exactly the most popular person in my school. I was weird and awkward and I was bullied up into junior year. It was hard and there were days that were literal hell. I had trouble with dating and even getting girls to show interest in me. I knew that I had to have that comfort and companionship in order for me to truly be happy in life. But I just was not finding it. It was hard and years went by with lots of weird moments and dropped dates and such. In the back of my mind though there was a spark of faith that I would find one. And I did. It was one of those "I was not looking when it happened" moments. 

Then there was the day I was told that I would be fired from my job when I was married with a two-year-old and the job market was flooded with thousands of people that looked just like me on paper. 

Then there was the time when she had an emergency caesarian and our boy stayed in NICU for four days.

Then there was the time when we were on the edge of losing everything and had to humble ourselves into bankruptcy. 

And the list goes on. And it is hard to have faith in those moments. But I believe it was faith that helped me get through them. I had faith of a higher being and propose - in Jesus and God to put people and opportunities in my path to get me through. All I had to do was keep my eyes open and see the choices pass by me. You see, like I have stated before, having faith is not stagnant. Having faith is knowing you will have the people and the opportunities to step onto a better path and that Jesus and God are putting them there for you to see. You just have to keep your eyes open and look for them. 

I think a heavy part of this is to express gratitude all the time. You know it says in the Bible that people who become believers are joyous and express their happiness for all to witness. They are giving because of this. I truly believe this is a part of knowing you are a Christian. You are more likely to give and be joyous. 

I feel good all the time. I feel like I am on a high and that everything is a little on the unreal side. I like the way I feel. I never feel the need to indulge in drugs or alcohol or smoking or prescription drugs because I don't want to change the way I feel. I have had times where that has happened and I don't like it at all. I think that is part of being Christian is to feel so good all the time. Not in body but in mind. I could be hurting in my body pretty bad and sometimes it has overtaken my mind but usually, in my mind, I am feeling pretty good. I think that is God and Jesus in me. And that is why I am in a good mood all the time even when my body is not feeling that great. 

That is why I give people stuff. One reason is that it is a little bit of me and it is like I am spreading parts of myself all over. And those parts of me that I am giving away is the happiness and joy that I feel all the time. I just want to spread it around because I want people to feel like I feel. I don't want to keep it to myself or keep it from another person to experience. In my mind, I can't believe a person would not want to feel this way! How can you not! Why can you not! Here! Let me Help! Let me show you!

I am sure a lot of you can look back and understand perfectly what I mean. 

So yeah, I never really had that Epiphany moment other Christians can tell stories of. It was all about testing God and Jesus through my life and seeing that they really do come through if you want to keep your eyes open and have faith that they will put people in your path and opportunities for you to choose. If you are struggling because you have not had that epiphany that others have had then maybe you need to look at your faith with a new perspective and see that maybe God has been with you the whole time. Maybe that self-reliance and that attitude that you don't need God is really what I have been describing above this whole time. 

Looking back at some of my work.

 

Love Story 13- The Births part one.

I was thinking back on the births of my boys the other day and thought I would write down the story of ours. I am just going to let you know.... Neither one were easy. This will be very long but needs to be in order to truly show what some people go through to realize their love of having a child of their own. To be real honest, there are couples that have even worse experiences. In that way, I guess, we are blessed.

Before my wife and I were married we had talked of being parents and we were pretty much on the same page that two kids would be perfect. For all of those who are reading this, how many kids you want is one of those topics that should be talked about before you get married. Seriously. It's important. We decided that we would start having kids after a year or so when we were pretty established as a couple and in our careers and such.That was the plan, anyway.

Well, the year went by and we then started trying. At first it was just stopping all birth control. You know, when a baby came along it was just God's will. But, it did not go well. You see, my wife as it turns out, could not have kids very easily. Of course we didn't realize it at the time but hindsight, you know. We waited for the inevitable but it never came. And then as time passed, we then tried more earnestly. Sounds like fun but when you are trying and failing..... It is not. Then we checked out my ability and then hers. We kept track of this thing called basal temperature. To add to all this, she was irregular. Very irregular. That does not make it easier. Needless to say it was hard on us and our relationship. It stressed us considerably during that time. 

 It was not like it was a deal breaker, although I bet a lot of couples split because of it, but it wears on a person. . . a couple. I know she worried about how I felt. She wondered what I would do because she may not be able to have kids and she knew that was something I wanted... something we both wanted. She worried about me leaving or cheating or falling out of love with her. And, she vocalized this a lot. She had nightmares about it. All absurd, of course, but the mind and heart sure can be hard on us, huh?

Well, I ended up telling her, if we were meant to have children then it would happen. I said everything was in working order and we just needed to hit the right day. I thought maybe it would ease her mind and relax her body into just letting it happen. But it's strange, you know? When something like this happens to a couple, intimacy changes. It is not as intimate anymore. The feelings of love and connection and intimacy changes. It becomes this fear that has a presence all its own. Its almost like there is a third menacing person in the room just staring at you while you try. And then they follow you to hover where ever you are. A tension in any room you both are in. Hovering. Silent tension. Each trying. You become keenly aware of how this will be just another time that disappointment will loom over a stupid stick test. Then I will kneel in front of her as she stares at the negative test and reassure her that she is not broken and that she is still important to me and that I am not going anywhere. I tell her that I still love her. I love her through what she has no control over. And then, we try again and relive the feelings again. And again. ……. and …….. Again.

As I look back, how strong does a love between two people have to be in order to endure that kind of emotional stress? I can still remember those raw intense feelings.... Her tone....the way she looked sitting on the toilet feeling broken, and inadequate, and feeling she is not worthy of me. She would call herself defective like she was a reject or something. She was so strong then and didn't even know. She would keep on trying. Through all those feelings and crushing disappointments, she kept on. That is a strength and grit I don't think I could have had at that age. I was wearing down. I was inwardly angry. I couldn't figure out how to make it happen. I knew all this biology and how the body works. I should have been able to just know the way to give her the baby she wanted.. . .to know why she was not conceiving and then to just make it happen. I should be able to help her feel whole and not broken. To this day I didn't know if it was harder on me or her. 

But does it really matter?

Then the day came when we found out. I don't remember what caused us to get and take the pregnancy test but we did. We saw the positive result and held our breath. She took the other one because I had a two pack and why not? Positive. I had those tests awhile and thought....I will make sure. I went to the store and got another set. Positive.

We were so elated! I remembered that she had already planned on going to bingo that day. While she was gone, I had been so excited and antsy ( I am still in denial of being ADHD) that I hand made a teddy bear for my new baby. We started to tell everyone that we were expecting and it was such big news. This would be the first baby for myself and my siblings even though they were all married longer than I. It would be the first grandchild of our families. This was a huge deal!

Nothing prepared us for what was to come, though. The next few months would bring lots of ups and downs for us. I should have known when we were struggling to get her pregnant. I should have been ready for what would be a hard time.

So time went by with a lot of just normal stuff. We made our appointments and started the whole pregnancy visits thing. She was on her vitamins and we were planning to bring this little one in to our home. At the time, we were living in a 860 square foot home. Yeah. Small small. I wouldn't have changed it for the world though. It was our home.

One of the choices we made that I didn't expect to be such a huge deal was the fact that we decided not to know if we were having a boy or girl. Holy cow! That was like the biggest family scandal of our day! Well, how do you know what color to buy for baby stuff and how do you know what types of toys to get and how can you refer to the baby until they are born? It was quite the stress but I was adamant. She got to carry the baby and all I had besides being an outside observer was to ask the doctor - is it  a boy or girl?

It amazes me now days with these elaborate gender reveals. It is so overdone in my opinion. Why not leave the excitement for just the mom and dad on the day of the birth? Why not have that moment of excitement with just the two of you and whoever you decide is in the delivery room? Some may say it is selfish but.... who cares what others think? This is your baby and you should be selfish about this sort of thing. Again - It is your baby.

It was time for our first ultrasound. We were so excited to finally see our little one and how far they were coming along. But, as we were finding out, having kids would just not be normal for us.

Everything was going fine. We saw our little one and were crying and happy. We joked that the baby looked like a piece of chewed gum. And then the technician said something that I will never forget - "did anyone tell you about your uterus?" That tone she used. The tone spoke a book of meaning.

Um, no. My wife looked at her while I started to feel a lump block my thoughts and a knife started to dig its icy way into my gut. "No. What about my uterus?" she said. Panic was clear in her voice and her eyes were frantic as she looked to me.... Looked deep into my eyes, for reassurance. The ultrasound girl made a big mistake and she couldn't take it back now. She told us something that was the doctor's job and now she couldn't say anything else. Looking back, this was a very horrible lapse in procedure and judgment. The fear and wondering we endured until we found out was indescribable. All that effort and now, " didn't anyone tell you about your uterus? " It was a good thing we saw the doctor only a few days later because it was torture the whole time.

I didn't tell my wife at the time that I might have known what the ultrasound girl meant. I had not been out of college that long and I have a Bio major. Have you ever heard that sometimes people know too much in their field? That was me. So, we nervously waited to hear what the doctor was going to tell us...... It is a Bicornuate uterus. A normal uterus looks like a triangle that has really rounded corners with the flat side facing up towards the head and the opposite "point" attached to the vaginal canal. Well, my wife's uterus was shaped like a "Y" where the arms of the "Y' pointed towards the ovaries and the bottom of the leg is attached to the vaginal canal. In short, this was not a good thing. So, there it was, the reason she had a hard time conceiving.

But, as grace would have it, our baby was planted at the base of the arms and that was a good place to be. As they grew, the uterus would expand better than if he was in one of the arms. The problems though. The stretch will still not be as much.  Ok, we are doing better. But, she was still designated high risk. There may not be enough room, there may still be a miscarriage, there will still be complications. For now though. She is fine and the baby looks to be implanted firmly and growing.

Oh, and another thing. Borderline gestational diabetes. Yeah, The hits just keep on coming. This was a minor problem though and not much came of it.

A few months went by with no problems. She was doing good. Not gaining a lot of weight but the growth of our baby was good and she was limited on her activities but not strict bed rest or anything like that. We were just living the life as soon to become parents. 

Funny story - my wife was like, I don't know. . . . 6 months pregnant. We were all sitting in a restaurant having breakfast with my ma and dad who were visiting and the conversation turned to holding babies. Well, I said in passing that I had never held a baby before. You should have seen my wife's reaction on that! She turned to me and said, " you have never held a baby before?" and ma said no, that I was the baby. My wife started to look around the place saying we needed to find a baby and that I needed to have practice and that she couldn't believe I hadn't held one before. It was pretty funny now that I look back. 

So the day came when we were one month from our due date. She had been going once a week to the doctors for ultrasounds and check ups on the baby. All was still on track despite the high risk. And that was when another hit came. Her water broke. A month early to the day of his due date. 

She came out of the bedroom crying and sat on the floor rocking back and forth. "Some thing's wrong. Our baby. Something's wrong. Its too early. Its too early." She rocked and moaned and cried. I just kept quietly urging her to move, to get up and get to the hospital. Even though I was a mess inside, I knew I had to be as calm and deliberate as possible. 

I have this saying that drives my wife crazy.... I'll worry when I have to. I didn't worry when we were struggling to get her pregnant. I didn't worry when we were told about the uterus defect. I didn't worry about the borderline diabetes. Well, being a month early had me worried.  I was actually panicking inside but panicking would help nothing. The only place that could help was the hospital. Just when I was about to man handle her or call an ambulance, she started moving.

When we got to the hospital, honestly everything went as I would expect it to. The epidural fell out during pushing but otherwise it seemed normal from what I knew. Our baby was born... A boy! They put him in her arms and I cut the cord and they wiped him off and he cried and I followed him to where they did their thing. You know, normal.

But this story is not over yet. Of course there is more.

I came back to the delivery room about 15-20mins later expecting my wife to be somewhat cleaned up and trying to recover from this experience she just had. I expected that she would need me for comfort and support as her body tried to get everything back to some kind of before baby normal. God only knows what kind of hell that would be. I knew one thing though... I would do anything no matter how gross or embarrassing to get her back to feeling better. 

Well when I came back into the room, everyone was still there and I knew something was not right. I remember the first thing I saw was a big circle of blood on the floor and remember thinking that was a lot more than just baby birth stuff. Then I looked to my wife with doctor in front of her and saw the doctor's hand go up in the air with a needle and thread. And then her hand dived down out of my sight to come up again and then make another dive. 

I moved to see what the doctor was doing and it was .... Well I was not sure at first. It just looked like hamburger. I mean as gross of an image as it is .... It was just. Well. I stammered a ," what's wrong?" To the doctor and she replied, "just a little tearing, no big deal." But I saw the pool of blood on the floor and thought that this was a bigger deal than she was saying. The needle diving in and out like that. 

Trying to remember those moments are hard for me. I was scared and stress was high. I am not really that good with stress. I talked to her about our boy and how he was healthy crying and looked so good. And in my side view I saw that needle coming into sight and then diving again. And again. In my mind I thought how bad was it and what is the doctor not saying? 

Finally the doctor was done and they moved us to another room. The doctor told me that my wife would be very tired and would need to sleep. She said that It was the loss of blood from the tearing. It was not life threatening but enough to impact her until she had time to recuperate. 

So, I let her sleep for a while and asked about our boy. As far as anyone could tell me, he was healthy and happy for being one month early. No problems. After an hour or a little more, they brought him back. And there I was. My boy in my arms and my wife sleeping. It was a hard first night. My wife was recovering and trying to care for our boy but she was tired and wore out. I stayed up most of the night with anxious uncertainty watching our boy and my wife. I was so worried about them both. Most of it is still just a blurry memory of exhaustion.

The aftermath of this ordeal was a challenge too. I am not sure if all women go through the same thing with their bodies trying to get back into pre pregnancy condition but it was a hard experience. As I found out, it was not normal (surprise! Not) because having a bicornuate uterus means that is more surface area and more to .....well this is not a place here to describe but it was not normal.

So here it is. Our trials of having our firs boy. The second would  have his own set of trials for similar reasons but the outcome was was more severe. 

What would you say to your middle school self?

If you had the chance, what would you have said to your self in middle school? Well, I would have told myself that school is hard and that kids are mean, cruel, and viscous when it comes to protecting their identity whether it is a real identity or only perceived. I would tell me that finding and holding onto a small circle of trusted fiends was the way to go. Find them and make sure they are of like minds and values. They would not pressure me into doing anything I didn't want to.

I would tell myself that all those lessons I am learning from the Dark Elf Series written by R.A. Salvatore are going to shape the way I feel about myself and about how different I am. How unique. How talented. Pay attention to how everything is not all it seems and to be observant. Hold fast to owning my talent and work to be better at what I can do. I would tell myself that finding myself and knowing what I want out of life is paramount and to hold tight to it. I would tell myself that being amongst friends and not caving to peer pressure with things like alcohol and relationships and drugs will pay off in the future with the satisfaction of having no regrets.

Speaking of regrets. . . . I would tell myself that my determination of being ok with all my choices, some may be poor and some really wise, will keep regret at a minimum. I would say that we all kinda stumble through life with lots of setbacks and road blocks but regretting things that we can't control will not do our heart any good.

I would tell myself that building my self esteem and that my need to do just about anything I can for myself was probably the best decision I could have made. Probably the most important part of this is the pursuit of love and marriage. I would tell myself that I know the pain and frustration will be unbearable at times. I will tell myself that holding out for the real deal will be rough but worth it. I would say that knowing what I want and making sure I find it will mean the difference between happiness and heart break. I would say that it is not guaranteed and that there is always that chance that it wont work out. I would say that a broken heart is always on the table. But taking time and not rushing into it head first without waiting for the infatuation to die into embers will be the key. I would say to myself that we did it and it is as amazing as I was hoping it would be.

Lastly,  I would tell myself that listening is how life will open up to me. I would say that asking questions when I don't know even if it makes me look incompetent. I would say that reveling in the small things will open me to being happy all the time and to help me enjoy my life. Live life learning, having fun, and being happy with no shame.

I will tell myself that you will live in hell at times in the next few years ,especially at school. But you just wait, the best is to come. I know. I have lived it already and am living it right now!

I was shook to the core.

Ok, I was shook to the core. It seemed that we were just catching up. I was just meeting with her to hand over a drawing I did for her website that she wanted a logo for and to engage in some small talk. Then she said a phrase that sent my mind reeling - - - "I was going to commit suicide but you changed my mind. "

Wait..... ! What? Really? 

I know what I heard and I wanted her to say it again but then I didn't want to ask her to either. My insides turned and my heart flipped. I don't know what was said after that or what I said in response but that revelation shook me. I think what was moving me so much was that I didn't even know. I had no idea. When was it? How close were you? What did I do? How did I change your mind? Then the topic changed. 

Now it has been over a year since that day. We have just had our mandatory suicide training and this moment that was burned into my memory came back to me. This kid I taught actually had a time that they thought about killing themselves and something I did started them down a path to change their mind. My mind started down rabbit holes and thoughts flew in every direction. I had a fleeting moment of how I would have felt finding out they had passed and I thought I would break down right there at the training. I quietly stood up and walked out of the room to get some air and to collect myself. Somedays we as teachers are asked to do too much when we feel so deep.

Well, I came home and couldn't get this out of my head. So, I sent a message to them (since I am Facebook friends with them) to just straight out ask for the story. I didn't know if they would feel comfortable or not in retelling it but I had to know. I had to find out what it was that I did. Why me?

Here is what they sent back:

Hey
Of course, I don't mind talking to you about it, but I have to be honest, my time at School is very hazy for me. I have to fill in a few assumptions and say "I don't remember" a lot through this story. I think that my brain has tried to forget a lot of the memories from that time of my life, and I think that things get less clear over the years anyway.

What I do remember is this: In 9th grade, I was bullied terribly. Nobody seemed to like me. And I hated school because of it. I loved learning, but I hated school. But your class was always a sanctuary for me. I knew that, even though no one in that class liked me either, you would have my back. You wouldn't let anyone do or say anything to me. You wouldn't tolerate it. And that was a big reason why I came to like and admire you so much.

So, fast forward to December, sometime before Christmas break, and I was done. I felt depressed. I felt like I couldn't breathe anymore. I felt tired of life and the mean people in it. I had come to the decision that, over the weekend, I was going to try to put a stop to all of it. That Friday, I felt weird. I had this internal war of really not wanting to do it but feeling like I had to.

I remember that the student body was on the way to lunch and I was lurking in the hallway. I really didn't want to go in, because lunch was usually the worst time for me. I remember smelling lunch, ravioli, and thinking that it was the last lunch I would eat (I still can't smell ravioli without throwing up). I remember standing in the hallway, thinking about that, when you walked by.

I don't remember what you said, to be honest. I remember that you were your usual chipper self with your contagious smile. I remember you asking me something along the lines of how I'm doing. And I remember giving some noncommittal answer. And then you said something to me. And I don't remember what, but it was something along the lines of things always being better than they seem or life being a beautiful thing never to take advantage of or things that seem bad today will pass tomorrow or something. But whatever you said, it was one of those wise, positive things that you always threw into our days. But this time seemed different. The way you looked at me—100% of your attention on me, looking into my eyes, appearing to not think of anybody or anything else except the conversation you were having with me—made me feel like someone valued me, like someone outside of my family thought I was worth something. What you said and the way you looked at me was like you knew exactly what I was thinking. And to this day, I still think some part of you did know—I think God put it in your gut because He knew that I would hear you, I would listen to you. You asked me if I'd been to the guidance counselor recently. I don't remember my answer. I do remember you encouraging me to go.

I don't remember what you said after that or if you took me to the guidance counselor or even what I did after that... The next memory I have is the guidance counselor looking me in the eyes and asking if I had plans to commit suicide. I remember answering. The rest is a blur of cop cars and hospitals and doctors. And then my mom. Her tears. Her face. It's a look that will haunt me for the rest of my life.

And the way you treated me before and my mom treated me after are the reasons I will never ever consider something like that again, no matter how hard life gets. Both of you made me feel worthy and valued, and both of you looked at me like I was a person who would be missed. And as the images and words of those days fade away, I know I won't ever forget that feeling.
I don't know if that was helpful at all, but I hope you got something out of it. Again, I'm sorry I can't be more clear... the memories just aren't really there. If you have any questions, don't hesitate to let me know I don't remember that day because what this kid described is something that I always do. If you have met me, you know. I am chipper and enthusiastic and I do talk to each person as if they are the only person in the world. It makes me wonder - how many more? How many kids came to me looking for that feeling and I never knew? All the what if's of that day is overwhelming. What if this kid didn't linger in the hallway. What if I didn't go down to the lunch room because I really never did. What if I had another goal and didn't take the time to really stop? What if...what if... what if... It could drive me crazy. But in reality, it was a God thing, huh? I have been told that I can be a bit unsettling when talking to someone for the very reason this kid said they were convicted to get help. I look intently into people's eyes. I don't know, it is just my thing I guess. But to hear someone say that it made a difference to them is just. . . .hard to put into words. I will tell you one thing about people today, they don't look and talk to someone as if they are the only thing in the world when they are talking. What kind of subliminal message is that sending out? In the end, I am glad that they got the help they needed because I would have missed them terrible. I hope that this story reaches all who read this. You are important to me and you are important to others too! You may not feel it but that is a fact. Share this with others and let as many people you know that they have people that care for them. And for goodness sake - - - When you are talking to someone, make sure they feel that they are the whole world to you at that moment.

Love Story - Part 12 - She before them. Shame on me?

I saw a meme the other day that stated something to the effect that the most important relationship is with our kids. I also saw another one that talked about how it happens to be ok to go out for dinner if you have a safe environment (in my day they called them babysitters) for your kids to be when you are gone. These ideas have gotten me to thinking – how has the idea that keeping the relationship with your wife (or husband) a priority become so scorned and shamed after having kids? People have tried to shame me for making my wife the center of my attention and a priority – even over the kids! How dare I do such a thing? Is it really neglecting kids to take time and keep the connection to my wife? No. Absolutely not. And you can’t convince me otherwise.

Our kids are important. They are very important. They are not so important, though, to get in the way of the marriage. Actually, the kids should be strengthening a marriage. Sadly though, it seems the opposite is true in a lot of cases. Parents focus so much of their attention on the kids that they leave their own relationship in ruins. How many have you seen do that? I am sure you can imagine a husband standing in front of a judge telling him that he feels worthless and unneeded or unwanted ever since their kid came along. He would be saying things like she doesn’t have time for me anymore, all she talks about is the kids, everything she does is for the kids, she will not be intimate with me anymore, and other statements like that. In the end, how does that help their kids? How is that putting the kid first? It really doesn’t.

Well, it is not just that. If you really look at the studies and research about this topic, it is clear that kids just put a stress on a marriage that basically puts it in a cruising lane. It is like parents drop loving each other to doing everything for their kid. They change talking to each other about life to talking about the kids exclusively. They stop thinking about where they would like to go out to dinner with each other to where they are going to be taking the kid next. Even gender roles hold tight and bind parents into almost a slave for gender associated jobs with child rearing. It is interesting to see what has been collected with the studies and look at how marriages are talked about. It is almost like everyone knows how much it changes them to the adverse but they automatically give a socially conditioned response and say it is bliss when it really is not.

Then you have the shamers – those people that will pass judgment on you if you are not holding to this socialized expectation that kids are the center of both your worlds. Sorry. I am not going to cave to this. I started my independent life with my wife and from that came our children. Marriage for me was not a means to an end of having kids and then all bets were off. I first and foremost got married to have a wife FOR EVER. My boys came along because we wanted a symbol or our love and to make a contribution of caring, affectionate, intelligent, people that will add to someone else’s life some day. That is just it, someone else’s life. They will not take the place of our marriage and they will eventually leave us. Yes, leave. . . . us. That is our job as parents. We raise our kids to be independent and to know what it truly means to love their spouses - FOR EVER. We – my wife and I – have the job and obligation to show them.

That means they need to hear me compliment her. They need to hear me talk to her about what we will do after they leave us. They need to hear me ask her about stuff that has nothing to do with them. They need to be told that mommy and daddy must have time for themselves with no kids. They need to be told that our bed and our bedroom is not theirs. It is our space. They have to see me be affectionate and flirt with her. They have to see me buy her gifts and not to include them in the buying. They have to hear me talk about her when she is not with us. They have to see that she needs her space to be alone and not bothered by the kids. This and more needs to be done constantly and to be talked about with them too.

And it is ok to do this. It is okay to let them know that we have to put them aside sometimes and put the marriage up front. In a way, we need to show them what it is like to truly live with another person and be happy. We also need to be able to show them that we will be fine when they leave to be on their own . . . you know . . . that we will be happy together still. We need them to understand that they are not meant to be with us forever and that is the way it is supposed to be. We need to teach them it is ok, and we will be ok, and they will be ok because everything will be ok.

Because in the end, if we are not happy with each other after having kids, how does that create kids that are happy about their parents? How does that help kids feel confident in their relationships if their own parents couldn’t keep theirs together? The most devastating news to a kid is that their parents do not love each other. They are being told that the two most important people in the world to them are not happy and will not want each other anymore.  It is a massive blow that the one thing that culminated into creating them has fallen apart. They are broken that their parents stopped loving each other and stopped trying. Isn’t that true? It is vital to show them then that you are still together and that you still enjoy each other’s company. Show them, you love each other and will spend time with each other and that you will still do all the things that you do to stay in love with each other. Because, even though they may feel put aside or left out or ignored. . . in the end the strength of your relationship is more important to them than having to sit on the sideline sometimes. They can’t express it or say it or even be conscious of it . . . . but it is true.

Well, there it is. Wife is first and kids are second. Unconventional thinking and behaving but I feel it is better in the end.