family therapy VII - Prodigal Son.

You know what? I need a prodigal son story in my life. I need my son to see that where he is at right now in his life is because of all the choices that he made. I need him to come to the realization that it's not everybody else's fault that he's in the situation that he's in. I need him to have the grit and balls to own up to the fact that he screwed his life up and to own it. Then I need a son with a changed heart to come back home. That's what I need. 

I've gone years with him trying to put opportunities in front of them, and he's made choices that were confrontational or in opposition fighting back for what would have been good for him. He fought me tooth and nail for every step forward I was trying to make him take. And it just got worse and worse with the way he treated me and how he fought back. 

Now he's in jail again. He fought back and he said things that were mean and cruel out of selfishness and self-centeredness. He makes these choices and he. . . .  he . . . . doesn't see the blessings that he's had with the people that have been trying to help him. He treats everybody as if they have some ulterior motive or they want the worst for him when that's completely untrue. 

So, he yells and he cusses and he attacks people verbally because he's scared or he doesn't want to do what we're trying to get him to do or he feels like we're being too demanding. And that's untrue. We're trying to get him to turn his damn life around and get on a course where he can make a living for himself and be able to support himself and be able to feel good about himself and to be successful and not struggle with hardship. 

And here we are years later, we circle around to the same spot. It always circles back around. The same thing over and over. . . . When it gets tough, he attacks the people that are trying to help him. And then he bitches about the consequences that come right afterwards. 

Well, I don't even know if we can go back after this last episode. He had a job, and he had a place to live, and he had a car, and he had.. he had.. 

*Sigh*

And he fucked it all up. 

Yelled at the people that were trying to help him any attacked the intentions and the motivations of the people that was providing him a home. And they just got to a point that this was the last time. They gave him a lot of leeway and this was the final straw. It's always in jail now because of what he did but he's blaming everybody just like he always does. He won't take accountability for his actions he won't say "Yeah, I did that. I fucked up. I put myself in this spot......It's all my fault."

So, what I need . . . what I pray. . .   is that this boy opens his damn eyes and he starts looking at the choices he's made and the people that he has hurt and he turns his head the other way and he starts figuring out that he's the one that put himself in this. He's the one that made all this happen. He's the one with his own choices and his own words and his own actions that has fucked up his own life. And I hope that epiphany is soon so that he stops spiraling down. 

But I just don't think it's in him. I don't think his spirit and his integrity and his grit is there. He just doesn't have it. And so he'll never get better. 

And the father in me breaks because I feel that way. And I believe that. 

God, I need a prodigal son......