I have been hiding something

 

I think I am ready to write about this, 

I have kept this to myself for a few years, and I didn't want anyone to know. I have been hiding this like someone hides the fact they are anemic or suicidal. So here it goes. . . . 

I struggled with intrusive thoughts of self-harm. 

It started when after my son went to the hospital for suicide watch the second time. I started to have these thoughts that would creep into my mind of "I wonder".

They started with extremely brief urges when I was working out in my shop or at school. I would be using my hammer on something and then I would look at my hand and get this urge to just swing and hit it. Like I would actually seriously contemplate swinging the hammer down and hitting my own hand. Or maybe it was a moment in my classroom when I was using the scissors cuttle paper or string or whatever it was and then I envisioned what it would look like or feel like if I just put the scissors to the second knuckle of my left hand and squeezed hard.  Or maybe I would get the urge to just touch the tip of my finger to the running blade of my table saw. It would be very brief and then the feeling would vanish as fast as it appeared and I would continue on with my project. 

But as time went on and my struggles with my son and his mental health continued, I would actually have these thoughts more often. They would occur more often, and I found myself pausing longer and longer while I fought the urge to carry through with it. I remember one day I was using my table saw and I had this urge to just make a fist and push it into the blade when the saw was on. I was fighting the urge internally and rebelling in my mind with the thought of it when I looked down to my hand and realized it was balled into a fist. It startled me a little. I shut the saw off and then quit for the day.

Then I noticed that I would hurt myself more often. It was not a matter of purposely hurting myself but more of a matter of not necessarily being as cautious as I normally am. I am just normally a pretty clumsy person and I am very deliberate and careful when using my tools and building things since I hurt myself unintentionally a lot. Well, I was becoming aware that I wasn't taking as much care as I normally do. This is when I would get minor cuts and abrasions and bruises when in the past I would normally avoid those things. It was very apparent when I came in from mowing the lawn one day. I took a shower and when I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror, honest to God it looked like I was flogged on both my front and back. I had run under the trees and near the bushes of the yard with no concern of all to the branches and limbs that were tearing at me. I had welts and bruises. There were several welts that were so serious that they had red raspberry spots that looked as if they were ready to ooze blood. I paused and just stared at myself thinking . . . reveling . . . . at the idea that I didn't feel a thing when I was mowing. Those had to hurt when they happened. How odd. 

That was when I knew I had a real issue. I took time to really search my feelings and looked for what was driving these thoughts and intrusions. The only thing I could think of is that I was hurting and struggling inside my chest and mind so much that I was wondering how much pain and suffering it would take to match the pain and suffering I felt inside. I didn't experience physical pain with the stress and anxiety, but the signs were there. My tremors and my heart and the rigidity of my body. I had lost that feeling of joy that I held so dear, and I didn't feel like laughing or smiling or even talking sometimes. And that was when I think I was becoming really aware that I was truly suffering and suffering in silence.

My wife could tell. She would say something every once in a while. She had no idea how bad it was but she could tell. I was actively keeping this from her. I was more myself when I was physically with her and I really would hover around her just for that support I was seeking. It bothered me to be like that, and I wrestled with it for a long time. I spent less time in my shop and doing projects. I would stay in the house and close to my wife. I didn’t want to tempt a chance of actually having a weak moment. I know I should have sought help, but I was already paying so much money for my son that I decided to go it alone so that I could focus more of my resources on him.

So here we are after years of these struggles with my son and I am doing better. He is now working full time and seems to be making progress. I am feeling better about the whole thing, and I have not had these intrusive thoughts in several months. Not one. I have been working in my shop and my focus is back and my drive to create has renewed in me. 

And that is why I feel it is time to come clean. I know I should not have kept this to myself and that I really needed to seek help because I could have easily had a moment of weakness that probably would have been life altering catastrophic. I just didn't want to spend the money on me and worry my wife more than she was already. Stupid reasons, I know, and I look back and also know that I was taking a real risk with those episodes. 

I will say though that I don't feel that way anymore. and I have not had those intrusive thoughts for a long time. Man, it is so crazy to think that I had the real threat of my mind and emotions taking control of my actions like that. It is such a scary thought to me while I am actually putting this down on paper. 

Trauma sure can mess a person up, huh?