I won't let pain turn me into someone else

 It so easy, isn't it? 

When you have been hurt or betrayed or taken advantage of, it is easy to let the pain and anger drive you to be or do things that go against your own sense of self. 

Its so easy. Isn't it?

I have said before that the way a person treats you or what they say about you will tell more about them than what they are saying about or doing to you. It's because people hide their pain trying to hurt or expose another person's pain or faults. And if they are hurting a lot then they are hurting others a lot. 

And that is where the memes come in.... You know the ones. . . . "I'll give respect when I get respect"...... "I don't cross oceans for those who wouldn't cross a puddle for me"...."I'll match energy with people, if they yell at me, I yell at them. If they don't text me, I don't text them".... And on and on and on. 

Well, I'm not going to do that. And while I will get taken advantage of or mistreated or disrespected, having that kind of mentally is not in my nature or spirit. It's not who I am personally. This type of mentality is not giving or kind. It is transactional. It is the mindset that if you get something on the front end or in payment for something you did or said, then you will give back the same. And that is not the way I operate as a person. 

I don't like the way it feels to be angry or spiteful or vengeful. It doesn't feel right..... Like how you feel when you are just beginning to get sick. You feel "okay" but you can tell there is something just a little off. That's the way it feels for me. It goes against my moral fiber and it actually makes me feel off.... Like there might be something physically wrong with me. 

Isn't that weird? 

But you see, people take those feelings and emotions and hold onto them and bask in them and revel in them. They will let those emotions drive the way they treat people to the point where everything has to have a payoff. Nobody gets a chance. . . .ever. Everything they do ends up being and endeavor of getting something or some status in return. And then they live life wondering why they're not happy or feel good about themselves or know what joy is like. They wonder why they feel alone or aren't able to get close or even feel close to another person. They are always looking for what they are able to receive from others. And the pain and the resentment and this treatment to others only deepens over time.

And that is not me. 

And I will not let pain and anger and spite of not receiving from others for what I give freely drive how I treat and do for people. It is not who I am as a person. 

And I will not let pain change me into someone I am not. 

You know why? 

Because those things that might hurt someone else does not cause me pain to begin with. 

It doesn't cause me pain because I do and say things willingly and without expectation. That's why. I believe it is Christ in me to be like that. I offer my help or my kindness or my respect because I want to . . . not because I expect anything in return. It is because it is in my nature and in my heart to be that way. It is what feels right. I would rather feel right all day long than to give back what I am given. . . "drop to their level." 

And that is why I will not treat you like you treat me. I will not "match your energy". I will not wait for your respect to give you respect. And I will do for you even when you refuse to do anything for me. 

I will not be that person. 

And I will not let your actions coerce or control my actions.

Because that type of person is not who I am. 

And, I will not be someone I am not.

Do you wish you had met her Earlier?

 I was asked if I wish I would have met my wife earlier. I said no.

They were surprised since I am crazy about my wife and I never miss a chance to talk about her. They would have guessed that I would have wanted to know her as a high school sweetheart or something like that. They can't believe I would not take the chance to be able to know her longer and be able to love her for more time. 

But, if my wife and I met each other sooner than when we did, our lives would be much different today. I would even hazard to guess that we would not even have gotten married. 

You see my wife had a few hard lessons when it came to relationships. It first started when a boy got her drunk and then talked her into oral sex promising that he wouldn't end it a certain way.... Well he lied. To make it worse, he never acknowledged she existed after that because he got what he wanted out of her. Then another boy convinced her to sleep with him and she though he really liked her..... Yeah, we know how that turned out. 

The came the boy that truly broke her heart. More like shattered it. She was in a relationship with a guy for about three or four years. She had a pregnancy scare with him but she believed this was the guy that would ask her to marry him. And just when she thought the time was coming up, she found him with another girl. And to add to the pain and brokenness, he told her that he got that other girl pregnant. 

She was broken and her spirit was shattered and her self esteem was at an all time low. After almost 3 years of throwing herself into her college and transferring to a University that was hours away from home..... From him..... She showed up to the college I was going to. 

And that is where we met. 

Honestly, if her heart had not been broken and if she was not betrayed by those other guys, I bet she would not have given me a second look. She wouldn't have recognized me for the good man she needed in her life. She would have not been able to understand the type of loyalty I was capable of giving her. She would have never been able to understand what was truly like to be treated the way a life long wife should be treated. 

That's why I would not have wanted to meet her sooner. She would have not had those horrible experiences that opened her eyes to who I was. I hate that she had to be broke and scared and it took a long time for her to build trust with me. But I understood. I knew it would take time. And I took that time to gain the trust. 

Like I have written before.... I told her that I loved her first and she didn't say it back. And, I was ok with that because she knew what it was like to have a broken heart and I didn't. 

So, yeah. Do I wish I met her sooner? No. We met at the right time in our lives to have lived life long enough to know we were meant to be together. It was a God thing. That's why.

You Should teach a class

I was told again yesterday. After I was talking about my wife. . . . yeah I know. . . it is such a surprise that I talk about her! Anyway, I said that if I feel that my wife is trying something new at a restaurant that she may not like, I decide to order something I know she will like. You know. . . . just in case she may want to trade. I would not let her to go hungry because she ordered something she ended up not liking and I know I will eat just about anything she would order no matter what. So, no biggie.

And that is when the girl I was talking to said it, "You should teach a class on how to be a husband."

I have been told this quite a few times in the past. I said, "Naw, I sound like I am such a good husband, but I really only know how to be a good husband to my wife."

This is where I think people kinda misstep in their marriage. She was responding to what I was saying not in terms of what I actually did as much as the actual meaning and expression and motive of what I did. You see? She reacted like she would with a romance story or a romance movie. What I was saying was so romantic in her mind and the unsaid reason I would order that way was a deep romantic emotional thing. She started to think about whether or not her hubby thought of her that way, to act that way, and deep down she didn't think so but wished he did. And then she just expressed how a guy like me needed to teach or show or tell her husband how to think of her in the same way. 

But you know what? I bet he does already, and she just has not picked up on it. 

I have taken the time to grow and learn my wife and what she needs and wants in her relationship and marriage. I learned how to support her and treat her and what to do to make sure she actually feels me loving on her through action and words and presence. Over the last 24 years, it has become habit and intentional. My wife and I have become so bonded and integrated that how we treat each other has become so ingrained that it is like breathing or walking. It's automatic. . . . without thought.

Make no mistake, she has done the same for me too. . . but that is not really the focus of this writing. 

And that is what this girl means when she says that I need to teach a class. It is not so much teaching men the same things I do but more of teaching men to learn what it means and what they need to do to love their wife. They want me to show them that same idea that I said that I only know how to love my wife because each relationship is unique and special to only the two that are in it together. That is really what she means. 

I just think that sort of time and effort and learning of who you want to spend your life with is lacking in our society today. You can see it in the divorce rates and on social media. People just put a blanket relationship advice out there and complete miss that each relationship is unique and has its own life that is unlike any other relationship. They have to grow and bond and integrate separate from all others and not look to mimic any others. If this happens, that is where you get people saying they "out grow" their partner or that their partner has "change and is not the same person." They are not working at growing into one person who automatically knows what their partner's needs and their partner knows what they need. 

So, no . . . . I can't teach a class on how to be a husband because I will never be able to understand your unique relationship. Therefore, I can't help your husband be a better husband. 

I only know how to love my wife. 

And that Hurts.

I wasn't feeling good the other day. I've had a lot of time to let my mind wander lately and I have been really trying to put a finger on the episodes I have been having where I have not been feeling myself. It has really been vexing and consuming my mind a lot that I have not been feeling good mentally like I usually do, and I have been spending considerable time and mental effort on this. 

First, I think age has something to do with it. I am not positive about this, but it sure does seem that I am more emotional and more prone to anxiety and worry than I was when I was younger. Don't ever remember worrying so much. I don't remember  worrying so much when I was younger. It seems to be a lot more intense than it was. And I get tremors more easily now. I don't remember them being so easily manifested and having them endure for so long. 

And then there is one other thing that I think is really starting to get to me lately. I was looking at a post that I made about dad and when I think about my boys, I just don't think they look at me like I look at my dad. I think that's what it is . . .they don't see me as a wise nurturing looking out for their own interest kinda dad. You know?

It is a respect thing, I think. I remember that no matter how my dad treated me or if he scolded me or if he disciplined me or if he put expectations on me that I felt were way too high, I still looked up to him and I still sought him out for his steadiness and wisdom. You know. . . I had a great respect for him as a father and as a man. I needed his strength and confidence and his . . . . his . . . air of just being a man and he was the leader of our family. It is hard to put words to feelings that have no words that can describe how I feel about my dad and how I treated him. I would never ever scream and argue with him. I would never call him names and judge his actions or motivations. I would never tell him he was any less than the person who was the most integral part of why my world didn't fall apart and crumble around me. You know.... He's dad. And that means something.

That's it. You know? 

I don't feel that way with my boys. I don't feel that they look at me the same way and I. . . well..... it affects me. I guess if you have read my other entries that this is not really new to you. My most recent journals are riddle with my eldest's attacks on me as a father and my motivations and his contempt of me and my ability to just get done what needs to be done as a father. He treats me as if I am untrustworthy or have hidden motives or agenda other than being the best father I am able to be or that I am not being as altruistic as God intended me.

He says "fuck you" when I am giving him tough love and telling him it is for his own good. He tells me I am no father of his when I don't just give into his selfish and self-serving immature ignorant demands. He tells me that I remember things wrong and that I try to gaslight him. He says that I don't understand the problem and that is the problem. He says so many hurtful things to me. 

He does not look on me as the leader to trust and follow. He does not respect me or that my motivations are altruistic and out of love for him and his best interests. He does not see me like I see my dad. 

And I think that is why I was just not feeling good the other day. 

I wonder if my dad ever felt that way...... He never showed but then again, I don't really show it to my boys either. At least I didn't at the beginning. Now, it is getting hard not to show how it is affecting me.

Now I tell him how he hurts me and how absolutely ugly he is to me. 

And then he tells me he doesn't care and throws more knives at me. 

I had time with my wife yesterday because she is one of the only people I can just lay it all out on the table. She picks me up and bolsters my mental and emotional health so I can get back out there and fight all that shit. She will always be what I need. 

I just never thought that when I decided to be a dad all those years ago that I would be feeling this way 20years later. All those years of raising and caring and encouraging and teaching and nurturing and guiding. . . . It seems like it means nothing to him. It feels like all that has been discounted and tossed aside like it was just a little bit of pocket change. 

And I think that is what is dragging me down. That is what is affecting my mood. 

But, I still am pushing and guiding and encouraging and nurturing when I feel this way. When I don't feel like I am on my game. When I don't feel like it will make a difference. When it is not being received with the intention it is being given. But it is hard wired in me because that is what my dad did. He just didn't have kids that questioned his motivations and his ability to be a dad. 

And yet. . . He yells........ Screams......, "fuck you" at the top of lungs. 

And I would never do or say such a thing to my dad.....

 

But I get this treatment from my son . . . . 

And that hurts. 

I am not feeling good today

 I am not feeling good today.

I don't want to talk today. Like, I have a lot of words going through my head, but my mouth seems to be paralyzed and will not work. 

Not a good head space to be in since I am a teacher and students are coming in shortly.

It's an odd feeling. I don't feel like myself in my head. You know? I normally like the way I feel in my head. Even if I have other emotions floating around, even negative ones or physical pain, I still feel good in my brain. It is hard to explain but I usually feel good in my head. But last night and today, I just don't feel it . . . . I don't know if I am sad or anxious or depressed or even if I am coming down with something. What I do know is that that sense of equilibrium in my mind of joy and peace that hold off the negative feelings of worry and anxiety and . . . and . . . . . blah. . . . is just not there today. 

And I don't know why. 

Maybe I have been beaten down too long. I mean when I look back at my most recent posts, I have been struggling. I am struggling with my image and my worry about my marriage and my oldest son and worry about my youngest son and . . . . 

Most of them are allusions though. . . . 

They are not really that bad. . . . at least in my rational mind they are not. 

You know, these things are not even as much of an issue as they were back then but for some reason, I am just not feeling that good today. 

I need time with my wife. I need to just be in her sphere. I need to touch and embrace her. I am sure that will help today. But until then. . . .

How am I going to get back to that state of mind I have had in the past . . . .just the other day? Have I been taking that state of mind for granted? Maybe I have and I let the stresses of life and the issues with my son chip away at it while I had no idea that it was being chipped away to me feeling like I am today. 

I am wondering now. . . . .how do I get it back?. . . . how do I get that feeling back that I took for granted for all these decades?

I don't like feeling this way . . . . .the way I feel right now. 

In this state of mind, I am having a hard time even trying to remember what it was like let alone trying to figure out how to get back to it. This is so odd to me tight now. I can remember that I felt that way, but I can't remember how it actually felt. And now I am writing about how I don't feel good and how I missed feeling better. 

Damn.

I hate it and I am thinking that this is how depressed people feel and now I am thinking how hard it is for them to turn it around. Like, I am wallowing in this feeling and thinking . . . . believing . . .. that I will not turn it around. 

Damn, that is hard to wrestle with in my mind. 

I know one thing. . . no medicine. This has to be temporary. It has to be. I had that good feeling my whole life. I am just in a funk and a period of time that is odd. It is temporary. . . . . it has to be. I have not had any major events recently to explain this feeling in my head. I am just rolling down hill with it and can't see the bottom where it levels out and slows down. I have to focus on the fact that it will, and I will come out of it. 

I just have to focus on that.

I will come out of it. 

I will.

I will. 

But, God. 

I don't feel that good today.

How messed up do I have to be to be treated the same?

 I had  an epiphany a couple of weeks ago. When this happened to me, it represented all the struggle and frustration I had been fighting against for the last three to four years. Please bear with me as I make this point.

I took my son, who has mental health issues and social disabilities, to a social working institution called Empower Tennessee. They claim to help people that struggle with things like autism and other handicaps to be able to become more productive citizens. They provide support and access to resources they may not have or even know about like applying for jobs or federal assistance. 

I took him in to have our initial meeting and evaluation. She sat us down and just talked to my son about who he was and some of the struggles he was facing. I sat silently waiting. Then she asked both of us to split a paper into four quadrants. She asked both of us to label each quadrant with one of these - What I want, What I need now, What I want in the future, and how do I get there. 

We made our lists in each quadrant and then she told my son to say out loud what his lists were and for me to circle what matched on my list. When he was done, she then began to talk about what she would do and what the organization can do for him. She then asked me to step out while they talked in private.

And then my son and I left. 

On the way home, I thought - This is why my house is so messed up right now. It is because I am not messed up enough. You Know?

So, what I think and feel and want is not important . . . or after that meeting, it felt that way. And I think I have been feeling that way for quite a while. Actually, I think I have been feeling that way for years. 

You see, I wrote that list down of what I thought my son's needs and wants and future and how to get to that future. But, what I thought and wanted and expressed was not important. It was not needed. She  . . . they . . . .only wanted what he thought. And they just wanted me to suck it up and drop everything to just give him it. And that is the realization I came to on the drive home. I am not messed up enough to be the one who is listened to. And I was starting to realize no one has been listening to me.

Basically, I am the one that will pay the bills and just go along with whatever these counselors and psychologists and therapists feel is necessary to get him right. I mean, he has been in therapy with at least two mental health professionals for over four years. He has had three suicide stays in hospitals. He has been diagnosed with Autism and severe anxiety and depression. He has started college twice and one time with a program specifically designed for autism and he quit. He has even had a stay in jail for a horrible "episode." And through it all, I have paid for it and taken him to all the programs and escorted him to class for a week or two and help him with applications and appointments and . . . and. . . and  

For years I have done that for him. 

After my experience in Empower Tennessee, I finally realized that no one really cares what I want and how I feel or how this is affecting the rest of the household. We are not the ones that are messed up, you see? And now that I am suffering mental health issues from years of this, I am now understanding why and how I got to this point in my life. 

Our house is not a peaceful house. We argue a lot. It is tense and it is wound up. I have a lot of resentment towards my son. He is not working towards becoming an independent adult and I truly feel he will not if I don't push or try to force him. He will spend weeks doing pretty much nothing but lay around, nap, and social media. 

And when we push him to be more and do more or we pull back with our time and money because he demands so much of us when he is bored and not being productive, he will have these episodes where he yells at us and fights us. He will get into rages where he will be accusing us of not loving him, verbally abusing him, hating him, not understanding his disability, and kicking him out or giving him over to someone to be their problem. This inevitably always ends up with threats of killing or harming himself or cutting us from his life. 

And I have decided that I am drawing the line. No more. My mental health and my peace of mind are gone. My physical health is starting to be affected. I have been pouring my whole life into this problem and I have been neglecting my wife and my other son. It is time. I cannot have him in my house anymore and I am unable to provide what he needs. He will not leave us on his own. He will stay with us and choose the dysfunctional life in favor of leaving us. He will rage and argue and yell and cuss at us and threaten us with stuff that cuts through our emotional wellbeing forever if nothing is done.

Because he already has. For years. . .

Because he is the one that is "messed up," and I am the one not messed up enough. That is why I can't get the help I actually need, and I am expected to just agree with everything and pay for it. 

How much more do I have to give up?

 How much more do I have to give up? I mean, seriously it's been 4 years and I've been dumping just about everything I've got into this whole thing.

I've applied to....... I've gone to with....... I've visited him in the mental hospital (all three times). The bills from that...... the time going back and forth. . . . One time they wouldn't tell me where he was since he was an adult. . . .That's when I really understood what a medical power of attorney was...... I've taken him to his IOP twice a week for weeks and it was an hour drive each way after working all day. I've gotten him into programs at college that he ran from, so I had to drop him from school and retract his scholarships. I help him apply to trade school and supported him as he struggled with going and staying. I got him help through vocational rehabilitation to help him get a job, but they have stopped working with him because he is difficult........ And the meds and therapists for years....... And. . . . and. . . .God, I don't remember all of it. . . .

All throughout this I have been coaching and driving him and showing him the way to and from and I have been with him during his appointments and giving him pep talks and . . . .I even took him to college and walked the campus showing him his where classes were. I escorted him from one class to another for a week because he had anxiety attacks. . . . and then he quit anyway. All that time. All that effort. All the expenses. All the mental strain. 

Seriously...... How much more? I've given so much already, and it has all been thrown to the wayside. 

I don't know how much more or how much longer I can keep putting into trying to get my son to move along on his path to becoming an adult. The problem is not so much that he is not progressing but more of how much stress he puts on us. 

We are being picked apart. Finances, time, and mental health are all being picked apart and piece by piece we are whittling down to becoming nothing. Seriously..... how much of us do we need to lose before we call it all off and retreat? When and how far is that line in the sand?

I have been giving up a lot to move him along and nothing is working. He is so scared of leaving and is so attached and dependent on us that he goes to extremes whenever he is challenged and pushed to cut ties with us. And each time I am losing more and more. I am not sure if my health or my marriage can take much more of this. 

And that truly scares the hell of me. 

If I lose my wife........

God, I can't even have a flicker of that thought or I will just break.....

How much do I have left for this before it all become too much and it tears everything down? I am not sure, but I will keep going until one or the other happens. I know one thing. . . . it cannot stay the way it is now.