Please, God. Put her in his path.

 We were in wal mart yesterday and the song "Just the way" by Blanco Brown was playing over the intercom. As I was standing there, I heard my youngest humming to it and thought, that's funny, I didn't realize he knew this song. 

So I asked, "Is that you humming to this song, son? I didn't know you would like this."

Very softly, He said only two words:

"Not anymore."

I could barely hear the words and I was looking straight into his eyes when he said them because I sometimes struggle to hear him.  

And I saw tears slightly welling. 

Then he turned to look a different direction. 

Yeah boy, I know. 

I know what it is like. I know what its like to fall for someone that didn't fall for me. I know how it feels to be so taken by a girl that my mind is consumed with the fever of the crush. And, I know what it feels like to be rejected. 

And I listen to the lyrics as we wait for our turn to check out:

I love you just the way God made you

Girl, He don't make mistakes

What you call your imperfections

I call beautiful, babe 

And I remember the day his heart was broken. It is one of those times that is stamped in my memory like it was yesterday. I was sitting in the living room watching TV and he came out of his room practically running to the back door and was out of the house before I could even figure out what just happened. One thing was sure, he was upset. 

I got up and went out side to where I had no idea which direction he went. I stood on the back porch listening for a moment. And I heard him. Sobbing. He was full out crying and when I followed the sound, I found him under our oak tree in the front yard. There in the shade of the tree, he was laid out flat with his face in the ground and his arms covering his head. His body flexed with his heaving breaths as he poured all his tears into the ground. 

I slowly approached him and asked what was wrong. He didn't answer. I didn't know what to do and I had no idea what to say. So, I sat with my back next to the tree and my legs straight out in front of me. I said I would just sit there while he cried it out. And we did just that... He cried and I sat silently with him laying next to me crying into the ground. Getting it all out. 

It had to be that girl. The one I know he was trying to get close to at school. She did this to him. She called it off. I would bet he fawned over her and complemented her and treated her like a queen. Just like i do with my wife. And I am sure she had no idea what kind of man he is.  And she didn't have a clue to what she snatched up. And she probably thought to herself that she could do better or find something more exciting. She maybe thought he was smothering her or he was just "not her type," whatever the hell that means. What I did know now is that she broke it off with my son and he took it hard to the gut and his heart. 

After he cried a bit and started to calm a bit, I said, "Hey, let's get out of here. Just go. What do you say?"

He looked up at me and didn't say anything but he did get up. I did too. We got in the car and I honest to God had no idea where I was going but I had to do something. I had to try and help him through it and I don't think any words or anything I could say would help at all. So, I drove. In silence. And I drove. With tears rolling down his cheeks. And we ended up at a creek. 

I said, "Come on."

I got out of the car and walked down to the edge of the water and stood there a moment. He came up to beside me and stood there with me. No words. We just stood there listening to the water go by. And then I said, "Fuck it." And stepped out into the water walking up stream jeans ,shoes, and all. Who cares? What does a bit of wet clothes compare to the pain he was feeling? 

You know what? He followed me! Out into the water he followed me. 

We walked a ways until it got to where I couldn't really go much further. Then I said, "Well, lets go back then. We went back to the car and I started to drive again. In silence still I drove and just kept going. I still had no idea what to do or what to say so I didn't say anything and I kept driving. 

Without really knowing how I got there, we were at a wall mart and we were walking the aisles in our wet clothes just looking at toys. He didn't say anything but his breathing was not the gasps of grief and his tears had stopped. He stood still in front of the transformers for a good solid 5 minutes. 

Without looking at me, he said softly, " I am ready to go home." 

"Ok, son. Let's go then," I said quietly back to him.

I took him back home. He dropped his wet clothes at the laundry room on his way to his room and that was it. We didn't talk of it. It never came up. It was the summer break and we just did summer break stuff. In my mind though, the next school year was coming up and I had to say something. I had to prepare him for what may come. I had to get him ready. 

Here is an entry of mine from that day...

From 2021

About a month ago my son got really upset and emotional. I tried to get him to talk to me but he is just not that open with me. Anyway, I had a feeling it was the girlfriend and she broke up with him. Well, several weeks have gone with periods of sadness and stoicism.

Today though. Today I had to know. I had to know before he went back to school where I know she will be. So, I just laid my cards on the table and asked directly. He said yes. She broke up with him and he had "no fricken idea why."

This is where I just jumped in with both feet and just talked straight up. I didn't even know how to start. I was so unsure of myself but here I go anyway because I had to try and give him something...... Anything .....

"I'm going to give you something to think about, ok?"

He only sat looking at his tablet. It was on silent but he didn't look at me. The clock had started and I was determined to finish.

"Look, son, I want you to really think about what I am saying, okay?"

Still nothing. I push forward.

"I want you to be ready for her to maybe want to get back together with her. If she decides to, I think it is always best to steer clear. Once a girl breaks it off and then wants to get back together, they seem to do it again and again. They sometimes do it to have control over you. Or, sometimes they leave you for another and then realize you were actually better. Either way, if they do that once, it becomes easier to do it to you over and over ..... Like a trampoline. Bouncing in and out all the time.

What I trying to say, son is...... Is...... Well, damn it! You are too good of a man to let a girl do that to you more than once. I know it hurts like hell but you can't let them do that to you more than once. Its not right."

Then I waited to see. To see anything. It looked like he may have been tearing up but I don't know. I don't even know if I was making sense to him. I just stood up, gave his shoulder a little squeeze and walked away. Man, was that hard. I have been having more than my share of those moments lately.

And here we are, years later with this song . Of course, I put my foot in my mouth by asking. I have been rolling this episode through my mind all day and I really hope that my boy finds a girl that is good for him. You know? Someone that will bond to him forever ancomplementbond to forever. Someone that will grow with him and fight back life's setbacks with him and someone who will love life with him in it with her. I want him to have what I have. And I don't mean a girl just like my wife. I dont want a girl like my wife. I mean a girl that will compliment him as much as he does for her. . . . just like my wife and I complement each other, you know? Does that make sense? 

And then I say in my head a quick prayer. . .

Please God. Put her in his path. 

Your mind lies to you

Not feeling good about myself at the moment. Of course it is all in my head and my reason is fighting back against my feelings. 

My feelings are just fighting back a little harder today. 

You know?

I posted this to Facebook awhile back and when I looked back through to find a post, I came across it again. I have been feeling this way more and more often. I don't know, maybe it's age or maybe it's because I am still struggling with my son.... I just haven't really felt good about myself or felt good overall for awhile now. 

I reread one of the comments from a former student:

I think of you often and how enthusiastic you made us feel about school and learning. The rest of us feel good about you when we think of you. But the mind can be so cruel — take heart in knowing that the people you love would never allow someone to speak to you the way your own mind does. It lies. Your record doesn’t.

And my response:

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. The mind does lie to you and often when you are weak after fighting the trials of life a bit. You know, we pick all our battles except for one..... the battle with ourselves. You don't have any choice when it comes to fighting yourself. You can't run or hide from yourself and your thoughts. And when life is hard and the battles you choose drag on and on..... your mind and thoughts deceive you and creep out of the shadows. But, I have found it is temporary if you got a good measure of grit and friends and those people you have made an impact on. 

After reading this again I try to recenter myself but it's so hard. You know? Because it is as true now as it was then ... You can not run or hide from your own thoughts. We are trapped with them and they always come from the deepest worry and fears that we try to lock away. 

They bubble up and will not be ignored . 

Worries. 

Fears. 

Almosts.

Past pains.

Past trauma. 

You thoughts will cycle through and haunt you with memories and maybes and what ifs until you just want to crawl into a hole in your mind. 

But, that will not help anything. So I tell my mind it lies and I carry on. Because what else is there? What kind of life can I look forward to if I crumble to those thoughts? 

Not much, eh? 

Its morbid but I am going to write about it anyway

 I have been thinking about what I would want after I pass away. 

I know, it is morbid to think about it, but I have been since my dad is getting older and he had his stroke, and I have been looking closer at my health.

Anyway. . . . .I think I have some of the most different views on topics that I don't really hear from others.  What happens after I pass away will be no different, I guess.

One of the most craziest things I can think of after a person passes is for people to walk by the body lying in a casket. I just can't do that anymore. The last memory of my grandpa and my grandma and my cousin and a colleague are of them laying in a casket. And you know what? I hated it. I hate that the last memory I have of how they looked. It didn't look like them and they had no resemblance to the person I knew. 

And that is the last memory of them I have. 

And I hate those memories. 

You know what? I don't want the last thing a person remembers of me is the image of my empty body that is made up to look like I am still there and laid out in a casket in clothes I probably would never wear. I never understood why people do that. I will not be there in that body. I will be sitting with the Lord and meeting all my family in heaven. I don't want a bunch of people walking by a dead empty husk of my body. No. I don't want that. Just skip the showing and the casket and the funeral home and the funeral. . . and just turn my empty body back into ashes.

You know what would be an honor to me? I am a giver. I give gifts and things to people that I personally make with my own hands. I like to build stuff and giving gifts is how I show how much I care about people. You see, the passage that is at the end of Fahrenheit 451 is how I think of people.

Paraphrased it says:

Everyone always leaves something behind when he or she dies. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes they made. Or a garden planted. Something their hand touched in some way so that their soul has somewhere to go when they die, and when people look at that tree that they planted, or the painting they painted, they're there. It doesn't matter what they do so long as they change something from the way it was before they touched it into something that's like them after they take their hands away.“

 - adapted from Fahrenheit 451

 So, let's do this - I would like everyone that I have given a gift to or a drawing or something I built or written to them to create an Art Gallery for everyone to walk through. I would like a posterboard that people can write anything I said to them that made an impact on them. That's how I want people to "see" me for one last time. Because that is really who I am and that would be the last memory that I would want people to have of me. 

 I may or may not have had a long life but I have done what I set out to do. I have had a job that I enjoyed, and a home that I have made and a wife that I loved. I had my two boys that I had the privilege of raising and friends that I have been blessed with. I would probably not want to go (especially if I was leaving my wife) but I would not regret where I am. . . . was . . . in my life. So, I want people to think back of how they felt with what I gave them or something I taught them or when I spent time with them or gave a bit of old man wisdom.

 And I want smiles instead of tears. Ok? 

That would honor me and the life I lived the most. 

Oh, and have lots of food and just enjoy the day. 

I am letting it get to me.

I am letting it get to me. I am having intrusive thoughts, and they are digging and borrowing into my mind and heart and gut and I am just not able to shake them. These thoughts and feelings are starting to affect me a little bit and I am trying not to dwell on them. . . . .

But Damn.......

I am just going to say it. I don't feel like I look good. . . . You know. I don't feel attractive. 

I know, what does it matter? Why am I making a big deal? I should be more confident. I shouldn't let the outside world determine my worth and all that other bull crap that I never give into. What I am dwelling on is being desirable to my wife. That's the issue. 

I don't feel like I my wife desires me. . . . like desires me..... you know?

Intrusive thoughts. 

I know my wife loves me and she is loyal and loves to spend time with me. She depends on me and looks to me for my steadfast personality and how I understand a lot of things that confuse her. She loves how I talk about her all the time and how I make a fuss over her and take care of her. But...... 

But, I don't know if she desires me in the can't keep her hands off want to take me into the bedroom kind of way. 

You see, we aren't intimate in that way anymore because the births of our kids. And I am not going to get into that since it is in other blogs I have posted.

So, this is the issue. She expresses her worry of me "not getting what I need," so I think she tries not to start anything because she and I both know that we are unable to . . . . you know. And I get that, really I do but I also love all the other stuff too. I am one of those before and after guys where the lead up and the cuddle after is as important (or maybe more) than the actual thing itself. And this is where I am missing it. She is not doing that as much anymore. And it is hard to not wonder if she just doesn't think I am hot enough or she is not attracted to me like the I WANT YOU NOW way. 

Because I want all that other stuff too . . . like bad. . .  even if we can't with the one thing. 

And I am letting my mind believe it's me. I am thinking it is because I just am not someone she wants to kiss on or feel up or cuddle with anymore. I am not proverbially "doing it for her" anymore. I think it is getting to me because she will talk about actors she sees on tv or movies being hot or how she has wants to . . . with them . . . . all in jest of course but with a nugget of truth, you know .  . . . but she never says anything like that to or about me or when I am around. Not anymore. 

Sometimes I wonder if she just doesn't feel that way about me anymore. I am wondering if she has lost attraction to me. 

And that is what is eating away at me. 

You know. . . I should just have an open honest chat with her, but I don't even want to ask or talk about it with her. I don't want to hear what she says if I bring it up. I mean, she could tell me that she desires me still but then I will not think I will believe her because she doesn't talk about me like that or kiss me as much or wants me to touch her in an intimate way. 

And what if she just confirms what I am thinking and how I am feeling..... I don't think I would be able to mentally and emotionally be able to take it. How could I look at her and touch her knowing she felt nothing . . . not desire or want of me? I would be like a brother or just a buddy to her or something. Nothing more. God, I would be shattered and broken inside. 

So, I am letting these intrusive thoughts in against my will, and they are taking more and more of a hold on me. I don't know what to do about them but then  I don't want to do anything because I am petrified of finding out my fears are true. 

So, I guess I will just man up and ignore it all and get what I can get and just set aside those thoughts the best that I can because the alternative would be more devastating and more of a nightmare than just living with the intrusive thoughts. 

And that is it. That is what I am going to do. 

I just hope they will not eat me inside out over time. 

Does size matter?

 It's interesting to see the responses to this tic toc vid on Facebook. And then I step in with a bit of real life to see what happens....

This is what I wrote:

As a guy.... Yeah it matters. I am too big for my wife and it matters. I haven't seen a lot of comments here since there are literally thousands of them and mine will probably just be buried amongst them all. But I assure you...being too big has affected our intimacy. My wife and I. When we first met it was just a matter of getting her to relax and stretched and taking our time. After the damage and ripping from our first boy though..... The scarring from all the stitches would not soften and I ended up tearing and hurting her every ......single......time. The pain and bleeding would last several days. It was like I was abusing her or even worse..... It would look like I forcibly raped her. Its been pretty difficult. She endured the pain until our second child which didn't go any better. Now we don't have vaginal sex at all (its been 16 years) because she can't stand the pain and I can't stand the thought of doing that to her every time. So yeah..... Size matters.

A response from a guy:

 I mean, I sort of feel like you two weren’t compatible then… no disrespect intended

My reply to him:  

Well, that would be the question to the universe, eh? With the way we struggle with the births of our children and then the struggle with sex afterward.... Well that would seem that fate has it against us, you think? Like we just weren't meant to be. But if you take away just that one part..... Just vaginal sex..... Nothing else about intimacy but that one .... My wife and I are so in love and bonded it makes you wonder if that one aspect is really worth calling it quits. For us..... That answer is no. It's not. But that is the path we took when we got married isn't it? "For better or for worse." Our bedroom life is missing one component..... Just one.... That, honestly, would break marriages. And it was a result of our choice to be parents. Was that price too steep to cause our emotional and mental and spiritual marriage to go bankrupt? For some, the answer to that is..... yes. But my wife and I are so bonded that even though we struggle with it as a couple, we love living life together more. 

If that runs your world.... And it is your priority, I can fully understand because it's not like it is not a big stress in our marriage.... I get it. That's why I take no offense.... It is pretty damn difficult some days.

I am just not going to give up and let go of so much I love about my wife for one absent physical act that I admit is pretty important but not enough for me to call it quits.

I won't let pain turn me into someone else

 It so easy, isn't it? 

When you have been hurt or betrayed or taken advantage of, it is easy to let the pain and anger drive you to be or do things that go against your own sense of self. 

And, it's so easy. Isn't it?

I have said before that the way a person treats you or what they say about you will tell more about them than what they are saying about or doing to you. It's because people hide their pain by trying to hurt or expose another person's pain. And if they are hurting a lot then they are hurting others a lot. 

And that is where the memes come in.... You know the ones. . . . "I'll give respect when I get respect"...... "I don't cross oceans for those who wouldn't cross a puddle for me"...."I'll match energy with people, if they yell at me, I yell at them. If they don't text me, I don't text them"...." I'm not going to the end of the world for some that will not go to the end of the street for me"...... And on and on and on. 

Well, I'm not going to do that. And while I might get taken advantage of or mistreated or disrespected, having that kind of mentally is not in my nature or spirit. It's not who I am personally. This type of mentality is not giving or kind. It is transactional. It is the mindset that if you get something on the front end or in payment for something you did or said, then you will give back the same. And that is not the way I operate as a person. 

I don't like the way it feels to be angry or spiteful or vengeful. It doesn't feel right..... Like how you feel when you are just beginning to get sick. You feel "okay" but you can tell there is something just a little off. That's the way it feels for me. It goes against my moral fiber, and it actually makes me feel off.... Like there might be something physically wrong with me. 

Isn't that weird? 

But you see, people take those feelings and emotions and hold onto them and bask in them and revel in them. They will let those emotions drive the way they treat people to the point where everything has to have a payoff. Nobody gets a chance. . . .ever. Nobody. Not even people that have done nothing to them. Everything they do ends up being and endeavor of getting something or some status in return. And then they live life wondering why they're not happy or feel good about themselves or know what joy is like. They wonder why they feel alone or aren't able to get close or even feel close to another person. Its because they are always looking for what they are able to receive from others. And the pain and the resentment and this treatment to others only deepens over time when they feel like they are not getting what they feel is due to them.

And that is not me. 

And I will not let pain and anger and spite of not receiving from others for what I give freely drive how I treat and do for people. It is not who I am as a person. 

And I will not let pain change me into someone I am not. 

You know why? 

Because those things that might hurt someone else does not cause me pain to begin with. 

It doesn't cause me pain because I do and say things willingly and without expectation. That's why. I believe it is Christ in me to be like that. I offer my help or my kindness or my respect because I want to . . . not because I expect anything in return. It is because it is in my nature and in my heart to be that way. It is what feels right. I would rather feel right all day long than to give back what I am given. . . I will not "drop to their level." 

And that is why I will not treat you like you treat me. I will not "match your energy". I will not wait for your respect to give you respect. And I will do for you even when you refuse to do anything for me. 

I will not be that person. I will be the giving person.

And I will not let your actions coerce or control my actions.

Because that type of person is not who I am. 

And, I will not be someone I am not.

Do you wish you had met her Earlier?

 I was asked if I wish I would have met my wife earlier.

 I said no.

They were surprised since I am crazy about my wife and I never miss a chance to talk about her. They would have guessed that I would have wanted to know her as a high school sweetheart or something like that. They can't believe I would not take the chance to be able to know her longer and be able to love her for more time. 

But, if my wife and I met each other sooner than when we did, our lives would be much different today. I would even hazard to guess that we would not even have gotten married or have been on each other's radar. 

You see my wife had a few hard lessons when it came to relationships. It first started when a boy got her drunk and then talked her into oral sex promising that he wouldn't end it a certain way.... Well he lied. To make it worse, he never acknowledged she existed after that because he got what he wanted out of her. Then another boy convinced her to sleep with him and she though he really liked her..... Yeah, we know how that turned out. 

Then came the boy that truly broke her heart. More like shattered it. She was in a relationship with a guy for about three or four years. She had a pregnancy scare with him but she believed this was the guy that would ask her to marry him. And just when she thought the time was coming up, she found him with another girl. And to add to the pain and brokenness, he told her that he got that other girl pregnant. 

She was broken and her spirit was shattered and her self esteem was at an all time low. After almost 3 years of throwing herself into her college and transferring to a University that was hours away from home..... From him..... She showed up to the college I was going to. 

And that is where we met. 

Honestly, if her heart had not been broken and if she was not betrayed by those other guys, I bet she would not have given me a second look. She wouldn't have recognized me for the good man she needed in her life. She would have not been able to understand the type of loyalty I was capable of giving her. She would have never been able to understand what was truly like to be treated the way a life long wife should be treated. 

That's why I would not have wanted to meet her sooner. She would have not had those horrible experiences that opened her eyes to who I was. I hate that she had to be broke and scared and it took a long time for her to build trust with me. But I understood. I knew it would take time. And I took that time to gain the trust. 

Like I have written before.... I told her that I loved her first and she didn't say it back. And, I was ok with that because she knew what it was like to have a broken heart and I didn't. 

So, yeah. Do I wish I met her sooner? No. We met at the right time in our lives to have lived life long enough to know we were meant to be together. It was a God thing. That's why.