Family Therapy IV

 For the next session I was given an assignment to come up with three "I wish" statements. 

And I've only had a week to think about this. This endeavor or task or assignment or whatever you want to call it has had me rolling around memories and ideas and all kinds of things that just make my mind lock up.

And I wish so many things that I can't really narrow it down to just three. Because I wish so much about this whole thing with my son. I start thinking about how I wished that I had done things differently when I was raising him. But then I don't know what I could have done differently or how this could have turned out differently or what I did that led to this whole...... *Sigh*

You know? 

So what do I wish? I wish that he had more grit. I wish he could handle life a little bit better without going all anxiety attack and out of control with fear. I wish he had the drive to want to make a living for himself and work at a job full time. I wish he had confidence in himself that he can do it. That he can have his own life and be happy and and just be on his own. But.......

But he doesn't. 

And I don't know how to. . . I don't know how I didn't teach him..... Where I went astray. 

And the past is the past now. Can't go back and even if I could go back I wouldn't know what else to do or what to change or how I could have approached it all differently. I just don't know how we got to this point.....

*Sigh*

But I guess now I have to think about what I wish right now. And I wish for a lot of things but what would be the three most important wishes at this moment?... And I have all these things rolling through my mind and I still can't think of three out of all of the wishes I have going through my head. When I start trying to narrow them down, my wishes in my head go back to wishing that things were different in the past and that's not really what I'm supposed to do but. . . 

 I wish things were so much different in the past. 

But that won't help me now.. The past is a cruel mistress and there are no repeats. So I need to focus. I've got to look forward. 

What do I wish from now on? Because I wish he had a different mindset and I wish he would do what needs to be done and make progress. 

I wish he understood that I am being a parent and as his dad I to have a "for your own good" mentality. The decisions I make have to be for his own good. He has to have a job..... A full time job. He has to start paying bills. He has to make friends and he has to separate from us and make his own home and own life and his own family. He says he wants that but he shows no effort or drive to. He says he is but I fight him for each step forward as he tells me his is when he isn't and he can't do it or he is disabled. And then I have to find a way to force him..... And that . . . And that is a war.

I wish he took responsibility for his actions and for how those choices and actions came with consequences that resulted with where he is right now. He blames me for practically all of his hardships and while he completely disregards his actions and how those actions motivated my choices. But, he hasn't and then he uses me as a target for his anger about the circumstances his actions put him in. And the war deepens. 

I hate to add this to my list..... But I wish he would stop hurting and attacking me for being his father and "making" him . . . Forcing him. . . To do things he hates and don't want to do. Because that is my responsibility as his father. I am the one that has to push him out of the nest. I am the one that has to put feelings aside and do what I have to in order to cleave him from his parents. It's a hard job as a parent but it has to be that way.  It's up to the father to do it. I then I make him angry with my differing views and choices he does not want me to be making. And the war deepens even farther. 

I just have been attacked and beaten psychologically and emotionally and mentally so much that even though outwardly I may seem ok, in my mind and my physical health, I am a mess. He says he suffers from PTSD and anxiety but what he doesn't know or refuses to admit is that I am suffering too. I am suffering from how he treats me and the constant threats of self harm and the accusations complete with vulgar language he screams at me. It has dramatically made a permanent change to my mental health and it has permanently affect our father/son relationship. 

Three wishes.... Well it looks like after journaling my heart, I have my three wishes..... 

All that has to be done now is to lay these out and wait for the response. I am sure it will be completely disregarded with reflecting back at me and accusations and hiding behind disabilities but hey, it will be out there..... And in the presence of the therapist. Will it make a difference? I am so broken that I just don't believe it will. 

And then there is his list of three...... 

His wishes.

And I don't want to add that to the cacophony that is already in my mind right now. 

Family therapy III

 Well. I poured it all out. I bared my pain and worries and fears. I cried and shook and ranted non stop for over an hour. I am not sure how well he understood or truly knew what I had gone through for the last couple years but once I started the story it flowed out of me like a mud slide. It started slow and gained momentum and drew in everything as to flowed to the end. And do I think it helped? No. Not really. It was fast and dirty. It was chaos and disjointed. It had all the trash and debris all throughout. But I said what I said. 

I also left with him a stack of papers that I hope would give him an idea of what I had been living through the last few years. But will it do justice the the actual problem and pain and abuse and manipulation I have gone through? I don't think I can portray that to anyone..... Not even my wife. Because it's like I said at the the session, she knows it all but I was the one that experienced most of it. And that is because I was protecting her from a lot of it. I was shielding her from as much of the bad stuff that I could. So she knew but she really didn't know it all. 

And today, he will be in his session and it makes me wonder what he will say. I am sure of one thing ... It will be night and day compared to me because my son sees life like no one else does. He has a victim personality and he has no empathy whatsoever for what I have been through. And when I describe my feelings to him, he says he doesn't care. It's because he does not have the ability to imagine what it is like to be another person. He is incapable of it. The he will blame me for it all. He will say I am the reason he feels like killing himself and I am the reason he is depressed and anxious and unemployed and went to jail and that he is the way he is because of me. Everything that is wrong with him or has gone wrong for him is because of me. He will take no responsibility for it at all. 

And so here is the question that will roll through my head. . . . What will he think? Who will he believe more? Or will he just say that we are both seriously messed up. 

Who knows? We will have to see what happens when we are in the frost session together next week. 

Until then......

Family therapy II

 I am meeting up with my wife before I go to my first family therapy appointment. My tremors have started but they are pretty mild right now. I know I am worked up a little. I just don't know how I am going to get this guy to understand what it is .... Has been like for me these past few years. I just don't think he will be able to see or understand just how messed up I am. 

I know I have PTSD and I am depressed. I am on edge a lot and my mind is constantly on this issue. I have my coping skills that help like exercise and journaling and spending time with my wife. But I also worry about how long until we split up because in my mind it is inevitable. In my mind I just can't see how it won't break us up. 

And then there is the day to day stress of the worry that my son will finally hold true to his words and actually follow through with his threats to kill himself. The number of times he has told me he would do it and that I was the one who caused it..... And the pain that causes me. The stress and fear and crushing emotional turmoil that puts me through......

How am I going to convey everything thing in just one session? How do I get across to him the depth of his abuse and manipulation to me and my wife? How do I do that while also warming him about his manipulation of therapist against us with his one sided victim mentality? How do I explain to him how he uses his victim persona to get statements from his therapists that he uses as weapons against us? 

I don't think I can. I don't show or exhibit the classic signs of mental illness. I am too practical and my grit is too much. Inwardly though I am conflicted and my mind and heart are consumed with this. Have spent so much of my time and strength and energy to deal with my son and his issues that I almost have nothing else in my mind. It consumes all my mental energy and my emotional well being. 

And how do I get that across to this guy? How do I get him to understand just how bad it is for me?

I don't know but I am desperate. I am desperately trying to to get this to turn around and feel like I am not losing everything. Because I am struggling to convince myself that my marriage will not fall apart and I am trying to convince myself that he will not go through with it. And I am trying to convince myself that he will stop abusing me and manipulation of me.

Family therapy

 Well I'll be starting family therapy soon. I'm not sure how to feel about that. My son has been pushing me for a long time to get this going and he says it'll "fix"this. In my mind though I don't know what he's expecting the word "fix" to mean in this context.

I'm struggling still and things are still going about the same. Well, not exactly but I still have a lot of stress. He had another episode and this time he really scared me. He pounded on my back and made advances on my wife. Now, there is no way he could hurt me seriously but his mom? Well..... The courts forced him into a group home.... And that triggered another episode of verbal abuse and depression and threats to kill himself. 

Then he verbally abused me again and the court gave him a No Contact order which means if he wanted to send me a message he would have to get an ok from the court person to do so. And yet again... More verbal abuse and another episode of telling me he would kill himself and it was all my fault. 

To add to that, I feel that my wife may not understand why I am being like I am. I have been distancing myself from him more and more. The things he says to me and the way he makes me feel have really messed with my mental health. She was upset with me yesterday and said that it was absurd why they stopped his contact with us and that she would divorce me in order to be able to see him. . . . 

I hate to hear her say it and I want to believe that she said it out of frustration and feelings of helplessness but I don't know. I have been having anxiety and panic attacks with the fear of this whole thing with my son breaking my marriage apart. I have been feeling that way for over a year. I keeping thinking "how long?" How long and what would it actually take to be the last straw with her to call it quits? My mind breaks and a pain hits the pit of my stomach to even think about it. 

And then in the next breath she asked me how I could just disown him or give up on him so easily. And that really hurt. I retaliated back and my pain reared up. I talked a bit harsh and bitterly to her which I never do.... But this topic of my son brings it out of me so easily now. I said that I didn't just give up or disown him. I said I have spent a lot of time the last couple of years in appointments and paperwork and time in hospitals and miles on my truck and money and applications on him..... I have not just given up on him. 

I've been broken by him.

And then we took a break. Because my wife and I don't keep arguments going. I guess because we understand that going round and round is pointless. We each had our say and that was it. 

But I still feel like it is inevitable that my son and our situation is going to break my marriage. . . And I don't think I can do anything to stop it without going back to the way it was. Even then, it would still end up in my divorce because of the way it was when he was living at home. 

And I will not go back to the way it was..... That was affecting my health and well being. I can't let that happen. 

Not even for my marriage. 

So family therapy is next. He is finally getting what he wanted in that respect and I am still of the mind that it will not change anything between us. He is abusive and manipulative. He lashes out at me for laying down boundaries and having reasonable expectations of him becoming a self sufficient independent adult. But it is too much for him and I am a monster for expecting that much from him. He is too scared and too dependant on us..... Way too much. 

So I have started to get together my side and my story for the family therapist. I have said before that I usually am not listened to or no one takes what I have gone through into account because I am not the one with diagnosis and I am not they one on medication or have weekly therapy for my problems. So I am not the one that needs help. But we will see. 

I need my son to be on his own. Making his own money and living his own life separate from us. I need him to stop abusing me with words and manipulation. I need him to quit trying to work my wife against me ..... To stop trying to get her to fall farther away from me..... To keep her from saying things like she will divorce me. 

I am still not doing that well. My mental health is suffering and I know I have depression and I suffer from elevated anxiety levels. My health is declining with the stress and mental load with my blood pressure getting out of hand and my tremors coming and going. I just don't know what to do anymore. But I am trying this family therapy to see if it will help in any way. 

I just live in fear and anticipation that my life and everything I have built withy family and marriage and work will disintegrate before my eyes one of these days because of this whole ordeal with my son.

And that scares the hell out of me. 

Somtimes they DID do something!

 I saw this post on facebook.....

A young woman, 26 year old Zoey Holland from Myrtle Beach, lost her fight with depression yesterday and has gone viral after posting her final goodbye message on her Facebook page.

Her post has gained over 20k shares overnight and reignited highly important conversations about mental health, checking on loved ones and knowing what signs to look for in people whom are suffering.

Depression is sadly one of the top 3 leading CODs in young adults between the ages of 15 and 30.

And while these important conversations are being had, I think there’s another aspect that’s commonly overlooked but needs to be reminded.

While it is VERY common for people suffering from depression/BDP/other mental health issues to lack support in many capacities and be brushed off/overlooked/minimized and ultimately unheard- I think it’s equally as important to remember not to speculate/generalize/judge loved ones in their time of grief bc we don’t know the lengths they went to help before this.

Not everyone who struggles with depression is alone.

And the guilt loved ones carry for feeling that they “didn’t do enough” is painful enough without the internet assuming no one was there for them.

The sad reality is you could be surrounded with love- SMOTHERED with love but depression won’t care and will still trick you into believing that you either have no one OR, even worse, that all of those people are better off without you. 

Depression defies all logic.

I think we can encourage people to check on their loved ones and watch out for the signs WITHOUT jumping to assume no one was there for them.

Bc sadly that’s not always accurate. 

RIP to this beautiful girl.

I hope her soul has found peace

This hit pretty close to my reality these past few years. I responded before I thought about it but, God, if people only knew the hell a family goes through if they are battling it. 

If they only knew..... 

Here is what I wrote. Maybe I should take it down...... I don't know. Maybe others need to see what I wrote so they don't feel all alone. 

THIS.. This is what is so toxic about social media. People will run their ideas without knowning a damn thing. I have about damn near broken my mental health in the efforts of trying to save another's. Thankfully I had a day where I came to my senses and told myself.... What the hell are you doing to yourself? You still have a wife and another son to be thinking of!

You people..... You who sit behind a screen all safe in your home and anonymity..... You sure are confident when you spew your words out like vomit. Go on then. Say those same things straight to them in person. Tell them how much they didn't do. Tell them how you would have fixed it all with such simple stupid ideas that mean nothing when faced with the real reality of mental issues. Judge those people to their face.... And then look them in their eyes as the grief and life and happiness flows down their cheeks as they themselves struggle to keep their sanity together. 

But they won't. What's in their heart leaves no room for compassion or empathy, or kindness. 

Only false ignorant righteousness.

Cowards.

Please, God. Put her in his path.

 We were in wal mart yesterday and the song "Just the way" by Blanco Brown was playing over the intercom. As I was standing there, I heard my youngest humming to it and thought, that's funny, I didn't realize he knew this song. 

So I asked, "Is that you humming to this song, son? I didn't know you would like this."

Very softly, He said only two words:

"Not anymore."

I could barely hear the words and I was looking straight into his eyes when he said them because I sometimes struggle to hear him.  

And I saw tears slightly welling. 

Then he turned to look a different direction. 

Yeah boy, I know. 

I know what it is like. I know what its like to fall for someone that didn't fall for me. I know how it feels to be so taken by a girl that my mind is consumed with the fever of the crush. And, I know what it feels like to be rejected. 

And I listen to the lyrics as we wait for our turn to check out:

I love you just the way God made you

Girl, He don't make mistakes

What you call your imperfections

I call beautiful, babe 

And I remember the day his heart was broken. It is one of those times that is stamped in my memory like it was yesterday. I was sitting in the living room watching TV and he came out of his room practically running to the back door and was out of the house before I could even figure out what just happened. One thing was sure, he was upset. 

I got up and went out side to where I had no idea which direction he went. I stood on the back porch listening for a moment. And I heard him. Sobbing. He was full out crying and when I followed the sound, I found him under our oak tree in the front yard. There in the shade of the tree, he was laid out flat with his face in the ground and his arms covering his head. His body flexed with his heaving breaths as he poured all his tears into the ground. 

I slowly approached him and asked what was wrong. He didn't answer. I didn't know what to do and I had no idea what to say. So, I sat with my back next to the tree and my legs straight out in front of me. I said I would just sit there while he cried it out. And we did just that... He cried and I sat silently with him laying next to me crying into the ground. Getting it all out. 

It had to be that girl. The one I know he was trying to get close to at school. She did this to him. She called it off. I would bet he fawned over her and complemented her and treated her like a queen. Just like i do with my wife. And I am sure she had no idea what kind of man he is.  And she didn't have a clue to what she snatched up. And she probably thought to herself that she could do better or find something more exciting. She maybe thought he was smothering her or he was just "not her type," whatever the hell that means. What I did know now is that she broke it off with my son and he took it hard to the gut and his heart. 

After he cried a bit and started to calm a bit, I said, "Hey, let's get out of here. Just go. What do you say?"

He looked up at me and didn't say anything but he did get up. I did too. We got in the car and I honest to God had no idea where I was going but I had to do something. I had to try and help him through it and I don't think any words or anything I could say would help at all. So, I drove. In silence. And I drove. With tears rolling down his cheeks. And we ended up at a creek. 

I said, "Come on."

I got out of the car and walked down to the edge of the water and stood there a moment. He came up to beside me and stood there with me. No words. We just stood there listening to the water go by. And then I said, "Fuck it." And stepped out into the water walking up stream jeans ,shoes, and all. Who cares? What does a bit of wet clothes compare to the pain he was feeling? 

You know what? He followed me! Out into the water he followed me. 

We walked a ways until it got to where I couldn't really go much further. Then I said, "Well, lets go back then. We went back to the car and I started to drive again. In silence still I drove and just kept going. I still had no idea what to do or what to say so I didn't say anything and I kept driving. 

Without really knowing how I got there, we were at a wall mart and we were walking the aisles in our wet clothes just looking at toys. He didn't say anything but his breathing was not the gasps of grief and his tears had stopped. He stood still in front of the transformers for a good solid 5 minutes. 

Without looking at me, he said softly, " I am ready to go home." 

"Ok, son. Let's go then," I said quietly back to him.

I took him back home. He dropped his wet clothes at the laundry room on his way to his room and that was it. We didn't talk of it. It never came up. It was the summer break and we just did summer break stuff. In my mind though, the next school year was coming up and I had to say something. I had to prepare him for what may come. I had to get him ready. 

Here is an entry of mine from that day...

From 2021

About a month ago my son got really upset and emotional. I tried to get him to talk to me but he is just not that open with me. Anyway, I had a feeling it was the girlfriend and she broke up with him. Well, several weeks have gone with periods of sadness and stoicism.

Today though. Today I had to know. I had to know before he went back to school where I know she will be. So, I just laid my cards on the table and asked directly. He said yes. She broke up with him and he had "no fricken idea why."

This is where I just jumped in with both feet and just talked straight up. I didn't even know how to start. I was so unsure of myself but here I go anyway because I had to try and give him something...... Anything .....

"I'm going to give you something to think about, ok?"

He only sat looking at his tablet. It was on silent but he didn't look at me. The clock had started and I was determined to finish.

"Look, son, I want you to really think about what I am saying, okay?"

Still nothing. I push forward.

"I want you to be ready for her to maybe want to get back together with her. If she decides to, I think it is always best to steer clear. Once a girl breaks it off and then wants to get back together, they seem to do it again and again. They sometimes do it to have control over you. Or, sometimes they leave you for another and then realize you were actually better. Either way, if they do that once, it becomes easier to do it to you over and over ..... Like a trampoline. Bouncing in and out all the time.

What I trying to say, son is...... Is...... Well, damn it! You are too good of a man to let a girl do that to you more than once. I know it hurts like hell but you can't let them do that to you more than once. Its not right."

Then I waited to see. To see anything. It looked like he may have been tearing up but I don't know. I don't even know if I was making sense to him. I just stood up, gave his shoulder a little squeeze and walked away. Man, was that hard. I have been having more than my share of those moments lately.

And here we are, years later with this song . Of course, I put my foot in my mouth by asking. I have been rolling this episode through my mind all day and I really hope that my boy finds a girl that is good for him. You know? Someone that will bond to him forever ancomplementbond to forever. Someone that will grow with him and fight back life's setbacks with him and someone who will love life with him in it with her. I want him to have what I have. And I don't mean a girl just like my wife. I dont want a girl like my wife. I mean a girl that will compliment him as much as he does for her. . . . just like my wife and I complement each other, you know? Does that make sense? 

And then I say in my head a quick prayer. . .

Please God. Put her in his path. 

Your mind lies to you

Not feeling good about myself at the moment. Of course it is all in my head and my reason is fighting back against my feelings. 

My feelings are just fighting back a little harder today. 

You know?

I posted this to Facebook awhile back and when I looked back through to find a post, I came across it again. I have been feeling this way more and more often. I don't know, maybe it's age or maybe it's because I am still struggling with my son.... I just haven't really felt good about myself or felt good overall for awhile now. 

I reread one of the comments from a former student:

I think of you often and how enthusiastic you made us feel about school and learning. The rest of us feel good about you when we think of you. But the mind can be so cruel — take heart in knowing that the people you love would never allow someone to speak to you the way your own mind does. It lies. Your record doesn’t.

And my response:

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. The mind does lie to you and often when you are weak after fighting the trials of life a bit. You know, we pick all our battles except for one..... the battle with ourselves. You don't have any choice when it comes to fighting yourself. You can't run or hide from yourself and your thoughts. And when life is hard and the battles you choose drag on and on..... your mind and thoughts deceive you and creep out of the shadows. But, I have found it is temporary if you got a good measure of grit and friends and those people you have made an impact on. 

After reading this again I try to recenter myself but it's so hard. You know? Because it is as true now as it was then ... You can not run or hide from your own thoughts. We are trapped with them and they always come from the deepest worry and fears that we try to lock away. 

They bubble up and will not be ignored . 

Worries. 

Fears. 

Almosts.

Past pains.

Past trauma. 

You thoughts will cycle through and haunt you with memories and maybes and what ifs until you just want to crawl into a hole in your mind. 

But, that will not help anything. So I tell my mind it lies and I carry on. Because what else is there? What kind of life can I look forward to if I crumble to those thoughts? 

Not much, eh?