You Should teach a class

I was told again yesterday. After I was talking about my wife. . . . yeah I know. . . it is such a surprise that I talk about her! Anyway, I said that if I feel that my wife is trying something new at a restaurant that she may not like, I decide to order something I know she will like. You know. . . . just in case she may want to trade. I would not let her to go hungry because she ordered something she ended up not liking and I know I will eat just about anything she would order no matter what. So, no biggie.

And that is when the girl I was talking to said it, "You should teach a class on how to be a husband."

I have been told this quite a few times in the past. I said, "Naw, I sound like I am such a good husband, but I really only know how to be a good husband to my wife."

This is where I think people kinda misstep in their marriage. She was responding to what I was saying not in terms of what I actually did as much as the actual meaning and expression and motive of what I did. You see? She reacted like she would with a romance story or a romance movie. What I was saying was so romantic in her mind and the unsaid reason I would order that way was a deep romantic emotional thing. She started to think about whether or not her hubby thought of her that way, to act that way, and deep down she didn't think so but wished he did. And then she just expressed how a guy like me needed to teach or show or tell her husband how to think of her in the same way. 

But you know what? I bet he does already, and she just has not picked up on it. 

I have taken the time to grow and learn my wife and what she needs and wants in her relationship and marriage. I learned how to support her and treat her and what to do to make sure she actually feels me loving on her through action and words and presence. Over the last 24 years, it has become habit and intentional. My wife and I have become so bonded and integrated that how we treat each other has become so ingrained that it is like breathing or walking. It's automatic. . . . without thought.

Make no mistake, she has done the same for me too. . . but that is not really the focus of this writing. 

And that is what this girl means when she says that I need to teach a class. It is not so much teaching men the same things I do but more of teaching men to learn what it means and what they need to do to love their wife. They want me to show them that same idea that I said that I only know how to love my wife because each relationship is unique and special to only the two that are in it together. That is really what she means. 

I just think that sort of time and effort and learning of who you want to spend your life with is lacking in our society today. You can see it in the divorce rates and on social media. People just put a blanket relationship advice out there and complete miss that each relationship is unique and has its own life that is unlike any other relationship. They have to grow and bond and integrate separate from all others and not look to mimic any others. If this happens, that is where you get people saying they "out grow" their partner or that their partner has "change and is not the same person." They are not working at growing into one person who automatically knows what their partner's needs and their partner knows what they need. 

So, no . . . . I can't teach a class on how to be a husband because I will never be able to understand your unique relationship. Therefore, I can't help your husband be a better husband. 

I only know how to love my wife. 

And that Hurts.

I wasn't feeling good the other day. I've had a lot of time to let my mind wander lately and I have been really trying to put a finger on the episodes I have been having where I have not been feeling myself. It has really been vexing and consuming my mind a lot that I have not been feeling good mentally like I usually do, and I have been spending considerable time and mental effort on this. 

First, I think age has something to do with it. I am not positive about this, but it sure does seem that I am more emotional and more prone to anxiety and worry than I was when I was younger. Don't ever remember worrying so much. I don't remember  worrying so much when I was younger. It seems to be a lot more intense than it was. And I get tremors more easily now. I don't remember them being so easily manifested and having them endure for so long. 

And then there is one other thing that I think is really starting to get to me lately. I was looking at a post that I made about dad and when I think about my boys, I just don't think they look at me like I look at my dad. I think that's what it is . . .they don't see me as a wise nurturing looking out for their own interest kinda dad. You know?

It is a respect thing, I think. I remember that no matter how my dad treated me or if he scolded me or if he disciplined me or if he put expectations on me that I felt were way too high, I still looked up to him and I still sought him out for his steadiness and wisdom. You know. . . I had a great respect for him as a father and as a man. I needed his strength and confidence and his . . . . his . . . air of just being a man and he was the leader of our family. It is hard to put words to feelings that have no words that can describe how I feel about my dad and how I treated him. I would never ever scream and argue with him. I would never call him names and judge his actions or motivations. I would never tell him he was any less than the person who was the most integral part of why my world didn't fall apart and crumble around me. You know.... He's dad. And that means something.

That's it. You know? 

I don't feel that way with my boys. I don't feel that they look at me the same way and I. . . well..... it affects me. I guess if you have read my other entries that this is not really new to you. My most recent journals are riddle with my eldest's attacks on me as a father and my motivations and his contempt of me and my ability to just get done what needs to be done as a father. He treats me as if I am untrustworthy or have hidden motives or agenda other than being the best father I am able to be or that I am not being as altruistic as God intended me.

He says "fuck you" when I am giving him tough love and telling him it is for his own good. He tells me I am no father of his when I don't just give into his selfish and self-serving immature ignorant demands. He tells me that I remember things wrong and that I try to gaslight him. He says that I don't understand the problem and that is the problem. He says so many hurtful things to me. 

He does not look on me as the leader to trust and follow. He does not respect me or that my motivations are altruistic and out of love for him and his best interests. He does not see me like I see my dad. 

And I think that is why I was just not feeling good the other day. 

I wonder if my dad ever felt that way...... He never showed but then again, I don't really show it to my boys either. At least I didn't at the beginning. Now, it is getting hard not to show how it is affecting me.

Now I tell him how he hurts me and how absolutely ugly he is to me. 

And then he tells me he doesn't care and throws more knives at me. 

I had time with my wife yesterday because she is one of the only people I can just lay it all out on the table. She picks me up and bolsters my mental and emotional health so I can get back out there and fight all that shit. She will always be what I need. 

I just never thought that when I decided to be a dad all those years ago that I would be feeling this way 20years later. All those years of raising and caring and encouraging and teaching and nurturing and guiding. . . . It seems like it means nothing to him. It feels like all that has been discounted and tossed aside like it was just a little bit of pocket change. 

And I think that is what is dragging me down. That is what is affecting my mood. 

But, I still am pushing and guiding and encouraging and nurturing when I feel this way. When I don't feel like I am on my game. When I don't feel like it will make a difference. When it is not being received with the intention it is being given. But it is hard wired in me because that is what my dad did. He just didn't have kids that questioned his motivations and his ability to be a dad. 

And yet. . . He yells........ Screams......, "fuck you" at the top of lungs. 

And I would never do or say such a thing to my dad.....

 

But I get this treatment from my son . . . . 

And that hurts. 

I am not feeling good today

 I am not feeling good today.

I don't want to talk today. Like, I have a lot of words going through my head, but my mouth seems to be paralyzed and will not work. 

Not a good head space to be in since I am a teacher and students are coming in shortly.

It's an odd feeling. I don't feel like myself in my head. You know? I normally like the way I feel in my head. Even if I have other emotions floating around, even negative ones or physical pain, I still feel good in my brain. It is hard to explain but I usually feel good in my head. But last night and today, I just don't feel it . . . . I don't know if I am sad or anxious or depressed or even if I am coming down with something. What I do know is that that sense of equilibrium in my mind of joy and peace that hold off the negative feelings of worry and anxiety and . . . and . . . . . blah. . . . is just not there today. 

And I don't know why. 

Maybe I have been beaten down too long. I mean when I look back at my most recent posts, I have been struggling. I am struggling with my image and my worry about my marriage and my oldest son and worry about my youngest son and . . . . 

Most of them are allusions though. . . . 

They are not really that bad. . . . at least in my rational mind they are not. 

You know, these things are not even as much of an issue as they were back then but for some reason, I am just not feeling that good today. 

I need time with my wife. I need to just be in her sphere. I need to touch and embrace her. I am sure that will help today. But until then. . . .

How am I going to get back to that state of mind I have had in the past . . . .just the other day? Have I been taking that state of mind for granted? Maybe I have and I let the stresses of life and the issues with my son chip away at it while I had no idea that it was being chipped away to me feeling like I am today. 

I am wondering now. . . . .how do I get it back?. . . . how do I get that feeling back that I took for granted for all these decades?

I don't like feeling this way . . . . .the way I feel right now. 

In this state of mind, I am having a hard time even trying to remember what it was like let alone trying to figure out how to get back to it. This is so odd to me tight now. I can remember that I felt that way, but I can't remember how it actually felt. And now I am writing about how I don't feel good and how I missed feeling better. 

Damn.

I hate it and I am thinking that this is how depressed people feel and now I am thinking how hard it is for them to turn it around. Like, I am wallowing in this feeling and thinking . . . . believing . . .. that I will not turn it around. 

Damn, that is hard to wrestle with in my mind. 

I know one thing. . . no medicine. This has to be temporary. It has to be. I had that good feeling my whole life. I am just in a funk and a period of time that is odd. It is temporary. . . . . it has to be. I have not had any major events recently to explain this feeling in my head. I am just rolling down hill with it and can't see the bottom where it levels out and slows down. I have to focus on the fact that it will, and I will come out of it. 

I just have to focus on that.

I will come out of it. 

I will.

I will. 

But, God. 

I don't feel that good today.