What the hell do I know anyway?

It was passively brought up again.

 It seems that I can't get away from this skepticism. Some still question if I took my time to decide if She was truly the one. I looked back at all the stuff I have written. All that stuff about love and relationships and all. I think to myself - So, what the hell do I know anyway?

Seriously. I talk a good game and I show my love and affection all the time towards my wife. They wonder if it is genuine. Is that it though? Do I have something that is so uncommon and special that if someone emulated me, they would have such a great marriage or relationship? Maybe. Most likely not. 

I am not much of an example to tell you the truth. Before I met Her, I had honest to goodness dated less than 5 people. Less than 5. In 23 years. Yes - you read that right. I dated less than 5 girls in the first 23 years of my life. Most of those were literally for only one or two dates. Hell, the first real kiss I had with a girl is with my now wife. How pathetic is that? Awe, isn't that romantic? Is it really? Really? I had not been serious with any girl until I met my wife. What did I know about relationships? Nothing. Nadda. Zilch. 

That's it. Of course! It could be that I jumped at the first girl that gave me attention. It could be that I didn't bother to play the field and took the first person that came on to me. Maybe I just am sad and have no idea what I was doing. I had no experience and no previous girlfriends, no break ups, no relationships. I just decided that the first one was THE one and I pursued her until I wore her down to just say yes. 

So, what the hell do I know? When I dated this girl that is now my wife, I was met with skepticism. I was asked if I was really sure if this one was THE one. I mean. I hadn't dated much so that meant I must be just being infatuated. It was just a phase. I need to play the field more and get my feet wet. I just needed to slow down and think it over more. 

That's it. Of course! I needed to search some more. Break my heart some more. Experience more girls. That was all I needed. More girls. 

Well, you know what? 23years later. 23. I am still with her. I have never looked back and I am happy. It is not an act. It is not a show. It is not just a mask I put on. It is not some façade I apply in the morning like shave cream. It is real. It is my life. It is my marriage. It is my right to choose what I do for her and what I don't. It is my choice to spend, act, say, do, do not, go, stay, and what ever the hell I think. 

You can think what you think and elude to what you want to elude without just coming out and saying it. I don't really care. 

We have been happy. We are happy. It is us and it is not you. 

But then, according to your passive aggressive scathing implying tone - - - what the hell do I know anyway?

Love story - part 11 Get your priorities straight.

You know, I have been told that putting the other first is important. It seems so right doesn't it? You make your spouse a priority and that will cement your marraige or relationship. How can it not be right?

Right?

I am not so sure really.

Man, I don't even know how to explain it without sounding all wrong or like I am a selfish butt rag. Here it goes . . . I don't make my wife a priority all the time. I have to think of myself first. Okay? In my mind, it seems that If you don't think of yourself first and keep putting the other out in front or giving and giving to them that you will shrivel up inside. It is part of the taking care of me so we both can take care of us.

Of course I don't mean all the time. It is just that you have to put yourself first to hang onto your identity. You need to keep that part of your life that is yours. C'mon, isn't that what has drawn my Wife to me in the first place? I am a nerd and a tinkerer. I like to build and learn and such. I buy stuff for me at times and sometimes I don't even tell her when it may be a bit expensive. I have to have time to myself doing what I want to do for me. I need to be selfish at times. I need to just do stuff for me.

I think this is important because it helps me to give more on the back end. Now I am not saying that it has to be all or nothing but a person will burnout emotionally putting the other first all the time. This is suppose to be two people who are individuals sharing life with each other.. It is a venn diagram, not a complete overlap. I have seen it before. A guy that turns off his life to completely focus on his girlfriend. Obsessively. Eventually the girl didn't even know why she likes the guy in the first place.

Don't get me wrong though, I am in a marriage. The marriage has to be a priority. Why the hell did I get married if I was unwilling to make it a priority? I'm just saying that it can't be completely a focus of one person to another. "Well, that is why if each are making the other a priority it all balances out," would be the response. Then you have two burnt out people. I am selfish when I make choices in our relationship and I will admit it. A lot of times I am only thinking of myself.

Seriously. Do you think I got season tickets to the symphony because I am putting her first? Naw, I like going myself. I like her coming too so I can spend time with her. Do you think I bought her a She Shed because I was thinking only of her? Nope, I wanted electric for my shop and shop time to build stuff to put in it. Do you think I say to her it is fine to go out shopping for a day with her girlfriends because I am thinking of her? Not a chance, I get to have a day to myself doing what I want to do. All that stuff may look like I am putting her first but don't kid yourself.

Making my wife a priority in my marraige is only part of my marraige. Only part of it. Part of it is thinking of myself. Part of it is for her to only think of herself. Part of it is to focus on us. Part of it is to focus n our kids. Part of it is on our marraige. Part of it is to focus on our life that provides for us. And...and...and...the list goes on.

I know saying that your spouse should be your priority sounds all romantic and right. It is plastered all over movies and magazines. Those are just one to two hour fantasies though. In reality, we have to put ourselves first sometimes. And that is okay. It just needs to be a part of a whole.

Love Story - part 10 We have hard times - not hard marraiges.

 By now by now you must think she and I are perfect. Perfect house, perfect kids, perfect car, perfect dog, perfect flatware . . . Perfect marraige. 

Well, we do not. 

Honestly, we have had stuff that would have......has.....Broken other couples. They have called it quits over some of this stuff that has happened to us. I know. When you talk to me, I sound like my life is perfect and we are living the dream. But in reality, we have had our setbacks and hard times like all others. 

I have been heard saying that you have hard times, not hard marriages.

How many have you seen let hard times affect their marriage? How many have you seen the unforeseen, unpredictable, unfair life happenings get them in a mindset of blaming their spouse and calling it quits?

Well, it has not been all roses for us. I will tell you that! We have had our setbacks that should have stressed our marriage to breaking. 

We first thought we would not be able to have kids. The guilt she felt that she may have been defective and unable to give her husband the child he so desired put a toll on her. Then our boy was born a month early. No big deal in this day and age but still frightening. 

When he was born, there were complications. Complications with her. Since that day our sex life changed forever. How many have you heard of a permanent change in sex life was a deal-breaker for a marriage? Is that one aspect of your relationship really the main pillar? The one keystone that the whole marriage is held up by? Really?

Then I lost my job. I lost the financial support for our family. I had no way to pay for our lifestyle because she was staying home and caring for our baby boy. She was depending on me to hold my end of the deal and make the money to support all of us. And I failed. Would a woman leave because of that? I have seen it before. 

We moved to another state. That in itself could have caused us to fall apart. There are some people that will flat out not move from where they are living as if it was Linus' blanket. The nights I worried about whether or not my wife would follow me to a practically unknown new "home" was pretty stressful. 

When we moved, the stress on my wife changed her forever giving her depression that needed to be managed with medicine. I learned to see the signs and the symptoms. I learned to be more of an emotional coach and to lift her spirits either by action or presence. How many would have given up then?

After that we tried again for another child. It was worse and harder than the first. Did I mention the change to our sex life? Did I mention her new depression that was being managed with medicine? It was another time our new baby was early and this time it was not all fine. He had to stay in NICU for a week. How easily would it have been for others to just say, "I'm out."?

Since then there has been a bankruptcy, more health problems, behavior / health issues with our kids, financial hardship, family hardship, and a host of other stuff that has happened. Stuff just happens. 

Enough to cause others to call it all off. 

Why didn't we?

Because those things did not happen because we were married. Those things just happen anyway. They happen to people all the time. The difference is we had each other to get through it all with.

 It was because we have hard times but we don't have hard marriages. 

That is the key. I have no idea how these life happenings can be associated with being a marriage problem or a problem of the  spouse. I suppose if one or the other is making choices without the other's best interest in mind, it could be quite the stress. But, then again, why are you running in a marriage but still trying to go it all alone? You have a partner. You have another person's viewpoint and knowledge and all the stuff you do not. That in itself is worth everything. 

So, when you see me and I shine when I talk of my wife. When you marvel at how I can light up at the thought of my wife or how I am like a love sick puppy, just remember what I have said. Listen to what I am saying and you think that I am perfect and our lives are perfect and nothing bad will ever happen to us. That is not true. Those hardships do happen to us. 

It does. We just know that together, we can get through and not be alone. We know that at the end of the day, we have someone that is there and will hold us and let each other breath a moment of peace. Because those things happen to us not because we are married, they happen any way. It is nice to be able to navigate through them with someone that loves you. 

We have hard times, not hard marriages. 

I dont know where I am going with this.

Ok, so it is a day or two from Christmas and I have had this thing that has been eating away at me for days now. A colleague died this last week.

And why has it been eating away at me?

Well that is the whole struggle. I have been sad and upset but not about the passing.

I mean, he was a great guy and he was a Godly guy and he was a good teacher and mentor and all that, but what has been getting to me the most is the guilt. I have been feeling guilty because I have been holding my wife closer and I have been thanking God that it was not me or her. I have been over focusing on what it would be like if I was not here and what she would do without me or how it would be without her and how I would make it without her. It has been obsessive at times and when I can have the power to shove it into the back of my mind, it comes back with a hold that strangles.

The other night we had come home from the visitation and it was a long wait to see the family. His wife was there that my wife worked with for years and his son and daughter were there that I had taught when they were in school. I passed them and did the visit thinking how much they are in numb pain and just going through the motions. Then we get home and I am helping my wife with making pancakes for her kids at school which is great because I needed something to take my mind and concentration.

All the while I was making these pancakes while my wife was feeling guilty about not being able to help. She suffers from rheumatoid and inflammation pain so was resting. I was in the kitchen working away trying to get the images out of my head - - - trying to focus on cooking - -- trying to think of something else but him laying in the casket all the while his wife and kids were going through the motions of hundreds of people just passing by them . I just couldn't shake it.

I was breathing irregularly which caused my wife to think I was mad that I was doing all this by myself without her help. But what I was really thinking was- how the hell would she be able to do this if I was not there? How could she baby and treat her students if I was not able to help her this night, right now? And then I started crying. How sad it that?

My mind spirals- Now I am thinking about how I will be going to bed and pulling her close while his wife will be all alone. Just that fleeting thought of going to my bed and knowing it would be empty the rest of my life was crushing my chest and I cried even more. Now I am thinking about getting up in the morning and not having the chance to kiss her and say how long she had to get up or never having the chance to get her medicines ready or how I would miss hearing her voice on the phone or how she giggles with her mischievous grin when she is up to something or how she feels when I hug her or how she smells with the perfume I love or …….. a million of other random thoughts and memories that are just memories now for his wife and kids. And I wipe my tears.

I feel so bad about being thankful that it is not me and not my wife.

So here it is, I am not the only one. I am positive that there are lots of others that feel the same way. It does not take away guilt but it sets my mind spinning another direction. If the absolute unfathomable happens and I should pass suddenly, I would hope that every single person who knows me and of me pulls their loved one closer. I would want them to feel so guilty that they wished it was not them or their spouse. I would want them to hang on to them and not want to let go. I would want them to say every day how much their spouse means to them and say it every day for the rest of their lives because they know that tomorrow is not guarantied. That is me. That is what I do and that is what all spouses should do. It would be honoring my memory to love your wife or husband harder.

Life can sure set the mind heart in motion. Losing our staff member sure got me all shook.

Love story- part 9

I was in church today and the most common passage was discussed today. It was the old Corinthians verses used in weddings. It is this:

⁴ Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. ⁵ It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. ⁶ Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. ⁷ It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
⁸ Love never fails.

I am not sure how a lot of you feel about the Bible but I bet you can agree on one thing - whether you believe in God and Jesus or not - it has it right when it comes to this. 

I was listening to the words and mulling them over and rolling them in my mind. I have been married now for almost 20 years and hearing this verses today struck a much different chord than they did when I was newly married. As I look back at my relationship with my wife, I can honestly say that I have held as true to these words as any. I know people envy or long to have a marriage like mine and they may think that it is all because of me. I have been told that I need to give lessons to other men on what a husband should be like. I have been told that they wish their husband was like me. You know, stuff like that. 

I have said, "Naw, that would not be good, I only know how to be a good husband to my Beautiful."

I don't think I am going to say that anymore. I am going to say that if someone wants to be a good husband or wife, the Bible has it right. You just have to make sure you read it in context. That is very important. I have discussed this in another post about having an unpopular view of marriage. This passage above struck me profoundly today as I thought of how my wife and I live out these actions and beliefs. 

-Love is patient - it takes time to let the other be who they are. 
-Love is kind - You would never be mean or hurtful to one you love.
-Love does not envy - It is not love if it envies an other's love
-It does not boast - Boasting is for those who are unsure of themselves. Let your love and actions speak for themselves.  
- It is not proud - Pride is one of those things that can be toxic. Pride is thinking you have something others do not. Love is something that everyone should want for every one. 
- Dishonoring others - we do not take away from others or belittle what they have. 
- Not self seeking - Don't be in it just for you. That is being selfish and will suck a relationship dry.
- Not easily angered - Anger only destroys. 
-Keeps no record - If you have dealt with it, then leave it in the past.
- Rejoices in the truth - Honesty is shown and demonstrated.
- Always protects, hope, perseveres - This means so much more to me now. My wife has protected me when I was down and attacked emotionally, she gave me hope that we will make it every day just because we were together and that was enough, and we have persevered - together. 
- Love never fails - Love never fails - Love never fails.  

You want to know my "secret.?" Well, I guess I don't have one. When I read the passages on love and marriage throughout the whole book of the bible, it is all there. You have to soul search and really deconstruct and do some heavy understanding. But, it is all in there. That is how I do it.

My love story - Renew vows?

     I was at a friend's house playing a game. His wife came in and sat for awhile asking us questions about how to play this game. Well of course the subject of marriage came up. His wife asked me if I would ever think about renewing my vows.
     I responded, "No" with such finality that they were stunned silent. I could see in their eyes and offended expressions of surprise that they were thinking, "Well, okay then!"
     I knew that I had to do some explaining. For all I knew, they probably thought I didn't think my marriage was good enough to renew my vows. That is untrue. I am sure they see my marriage like a lot of others with a lot of fondness. They sure did have looks of surprise and dumbfoundedness at how final my tone was though. I bet they be thought this was very unromantic for such a romantic guy.
   I wonder what the purpose is to renew vows. To me, it it seems like renewing vows are for people who forget why they got married or if they are in a rough patch this is how to patch it up. That's kind of like them saying "Hey we need to renew our vows so that we can prove to ourselves and to other people that we still love each other." Could it be just showing off? I bet some people do that.
    That is just not for me. I know why I got married. I don't need to renew my vows when I'm reminded everyday that I look at her why I bent a knee and asked for her hand. I don't need to renew my vows because I show and prove to her everyday that I meant every word of the vows I gave her on our wedding day. Twenty years later and I am still proving to her everyday that I meant every word.
     To me, renewing vows is kind of a gimick or a way to fix something that should not be broken.

   
     
   

Love story Part 8 - Loving yourself first

     If you are getting in a relationship to "fix yourself," then it is doomed to fail. You have seen it a lot of times. I will hear or see how someone will say that when they met this person or that person, they took the pieces and made them whole again. Or, a person will say that they wanted someone that will make them feel wanted, or important, or happy or...….etc. I personally don't feel that is the way to be looking for a life partner. You have to love yourself first.

     Loving yourself first. It is the way to be happy. It is hard for some to do more than others. I mean, I am one happy guy. How did I get that way? Well, I can't remember a time when I was not in a good mood all the time. I just think it is in my personality. I have even been called "irritatingly happy." It was not a long road for me to travel to be happy and love who I am. That is not true for others. They just need more time and need to train themselves to it.

     I lucked out, I had a supporting family. My parents let me explore just about anything I was curious about. I was also lucky because a had a natural sense of caution. So, I really didn't get hurt physically, emotionally, or psychologically very often. Lots of people wished they could say that I am sure. But either way, you learn a lot from doing and observing. Most importantly, you have to be introspective. You have to be aware deep down, in a place you are hidden most, what it is that will make you happy.

      And I can't help you with that. Sorry. If knew what would make all people happy and confident in themselves so that they would have long stable love lives, I would probably be famous and have lots of money. . . . .Yeah, that would be funny. I am too weird and "eccentric" to have any good advice on such things. But then again . . . . I think many would agree that I am going strong so far, eh?

      I am getting off-topic. Maybe I can give you some pointers on finding your happiness. You know, to love yourself first. I was lying about it being in my personality. It is to an extent but I also trained myself to lean towards being happy. You know, I learned how to choose to be happy. It is hard and scary for some people because of what they think their needs are. But then again, are those the very things that are holding them back?

     First, I think spending time by yourself is very important. If you can't remember a time when you were without someone and the thought of being alone scares you, well that is probably something you may need to do. Being by yourself mentally, physically, and emotionally is scary if you have not done that for a while (or ever). You have to get to know yourself. You have to have all those exterior influences out of the way to be able to feel for yourself. When I was a teen, I actually did this literally by taking long all-day hikes in a state forest. Being alone will help you to be rid of fear like the fear of being alone and to like being with yourself. You will feel more comfortable with yourself. When the time comes, being comfortable with yourself will help others be comfortable around you.

    Knowing what your strengths are and what you truly enjoy doing is important. Take pride in what you can do and spend time getting better. Be careful though to not be arrogant. Be confident instead. Arrogance is telling with lack of empathy and confidence is showing with humility. How can you love yourself if you don't know what you are good at? I love that I can draw and be empathetic. I love that I can build things and solve problems. I am good a serving people. What a great personality trait to be a teacher! Love what you can do and love to do them better. You will love yourself for being able to do them.

     Know what you want out of life. This takes time and experience. I did a lot of it by observing others. I thought - I will never let someone treat me like that! Or, I would think I am never going to let that happen to me! Honestly, I would watch what others were doing and how it affected them and I would decide if that was something for me or not. I knew that I could not do a trade for a job. I had worked for the road commission and didn't like it at all. I knew that I wanted a wife and kids and for her to be confident in what she could do. The list can go on. But, then again, you have to look deep and be very introspective to know truly what you want. Think about it - how can you know if a person is best for you as a spouse if you don't know what is best for you in the first place? Trust me, marriage does not fix you or fix your problems. It only works if you know how to do that already.

    In the end, it all comes down to choices. You choose to be happy. Sometimes the choices are hard to make. . . . well, not some times - more like most of the time.. Maybe you have to choose new friends. Maybe you have to drop people from your friend list. Maybe you have to get away for a while. Maybe you have to move to a different neighborhood. Maybe you have to find a way to work towards a different career. For those that are having the worst time, these choices are the hardest to make and make happen. If you have not been enjoying life, it can be hard to find out what it is that you enjoy. Keep looking though. Take time to search. It has to be for you alone before you decide to share it with someone else.

    I think that is the key. You can't make a happy life by adding a spouse. You can make a happy life happier by sharing it with a spouse. So, find what makes you happy and love yourself. Then go looking for the one that is perfect to share that life with.