Love story #16 That moment alone before the wedding.

 Of all the pictures I took at the last wedding my wife and I worked on, this one was the one that hit me the most. While all the groomsmen were having a good time talking and living it up before the wedding started, the Groom slid unnoticed off to the side and started pacing for a short. He was lost in his own thoughts. It was for only a minute maybe but you can see that it was intense and personal.

I remember my wedding day and I did the same thing. I remember how much weight I was feeling and how big the world was that was going to be on my shoulders in just a few hours. You see, it was not a questioning of whether or not I was doing the right thing or if this girl was actually "the one." That, I was positively sure of. It was more about my reservations about being the man I believed she deserved.

It was all finally hitting home for me at that moment. When she said "yes," that was a huge step in trust given to me by her. She said yes to my faithfulness. To expecting me to completely and wholly give to her my life with no glances or second thoughts or losing my love for her. She said yes to trusting that I would take care of her when she had good days and bad days and days when she would hate me and days she would not be able to keep her hands off me. She said yes to me giving my life to share her fun and happiness and successes and failures and fears and sickness and health without calling it quits. She said yes to me promising that I would never break her heart and never making her question whether or not she truly deserves to be loved in the first place.  

I am a Christian and I truly take to heart the role of a Husband as it is described in the Bible. I was thinking about whether or not I was able to fulfill that role or not. Was I ready to lead my family? Was I ready to be the "final say" to all decisions that would affect our lives? Was I ready to truly listen and take council from her to make those wise choices for the both of us? Was I ready to own up to failing and making mistakes which were/will be inevitable? Was I ready to be the one she looked to, the one she depended on, to make everything alright?

All in a picture. All this was captured in a moment when no one was looking or paying any attention. But I was. I saw him and I remembered what that moment was like. I look back and see my moment as clear as this picture I took and think, man was I glad I pushed forward with faith and that we both were confident that we would be all those things and more.

And with God's grace, we have been. 

Love story # 15 - My advice on love.

 It is hard not to seem like I am bragging when I say that I have sidestepped the usual Heartbreaks of Love.

You know what I am talking about.

I have not been dumped or cheated on, or manipulated, or used, or enticed out of, or any of the trappings that others have endured when finding their love of a lifetime. I can honestly say that my heart has never really truly been broken. 

Yeah, I know. It is hard not to sound like I am bragging. Most of you know me well enough to know what my marriage is like so this is a weird story compared to the average person. 

So this is the issue, have I just been lucky, or was it deliberate?

I have been thinking about this a lot since I have boys that are the age to dabble in the waters of love. Honestly, it scares the hell out of me. I live and show and model my life to show my boys what it is truly like to love what you do and to know what it is like to share your love of life with one who loves you to the moon and back. I just hope they were..... are paying attention. I am hoping I have taught them how to come out the other side less scathed than the average person. 

I believe now that there are some very important guidelines I lived by to skate by some hard times in the search for love. I don't know if they will be worthwhile for any of you but this blog is like my journal and I want it to be left for my boys to look back on soooooooo...... 

Here we go:

#1 You have to love yourself. I have a whole other entry on this. But really, if you are looking for love to fix your heart and heal yourself, well, I just have not seen that turn out well very often. It goes against all the "you make me whole" yarn that is out there. It is just not true that the love of another person somehow fixes you.

#2 Be wary of the pretty people with ugly personalities. Infatuation is a cruel manipulator and will blind you to this. Time is the enemy of Infatuation. Remember that.

#3 If it didn't work out, it never will.  I have always made a pact with myself that if I ever called it quits with a girl or she called it quits with me, that I would never go back. To be honest, I never have had that happen so..... I am not sure if I would have held true to it. I am pretty sure I would have, though, because of my mindset. In my mind, if things got so bad that a girl would want to call it quits, it would never work - ever. She had already made up her mind she didn't want to go any further. If I got back together with her, I would never know if they would just pull that trick out of their hat again and again and again and again. I call those kind of relationships trampolines 😉.

#4 Make sure you have fun with them and without them. You know - liking what each other do for fun. I would suggest making sure you have things in common and not in common. Make some of those things that you will just not ever like so that they can have their own space to enjoy them with friends and some that are new to you and make you step out of your comfort zone. Remember, you love yourself so your whole life is not revolving around each other. It is perfectly okay to have your own time with your own friends or for yourself. This is true for them as well. If they can't be ok on their own for awhile, they will wear you out and smother you.

#5 Pick a person who complements your love language. There is a book called "The Five Love Languages." I really feel that this book put into words what I think I just naturally picked up on all the time. Give it a read and see what you think. To go off of that, I'll give you an example. My love language is Physical Touch. One of my wife's strongest love languages is Quality Time. She feels loved most when a person spends time with her doing new things or just being present with her. Well, when I am giving her quality time, she is more affectionate and cuddly which feeds my love language. You see?

#6 Have the grit and the fortitude to do what is right. If you know that something is going nowhere, then have the guts to call it off. Seriously. If you string someone along, you are the one that is breaking hearts harder than if you just bit the bullet and called it like it is. If you know it is not going anywhere, then don't let it. There will be tears. There may be yelling. You might get cussed. You are a coward if you can't break it off because of a few tears and a cussing. Man up on this one. Maybe that is why I missed some heartache is because I just didn't go further when I didn't feel it was what I wanted. Maybe . . ... 

#7. When things start to get serious - - - - and you know what I mean. Like when you guys pass the "getting to know you" stage. You have to have some hard revelations to experience and find out: 

            1. Where are you guys going to end up living?

            2. What is their future goals for their career?

            3. How many kids do they want? Do they want kids? (How many divorces do you know where        this was not discussed until after the wedding?)

            4. What religion are they and what church will you guys go to?

            5. What is their family like and will you be able to live with them being your family?

            6. What do they expect with simple things like household chores and what jobs you have with raising children?

            7. How do they manage money and what is their mindset with how money is spent by both of you? Money is a real stressor in a relationship so start figuring that out by observing first and asking questions a little later along.

            8. How do they take care of their things and more importantly....how do they take care of your things? 

            9. What do they think of your friends. How do they talk to them? About them? How do they treat them?

#8 I think it is important to see how they really respond to different emotional stuff. How do they act when they are mad? How do they talk to you or treat you when they are mad? How do they react to you when you are sad or mad? What are they like when they are scared or full of anxiety? How do they treat you when they are? How do they talk to you when they are? How do they respond to the setbacks of life? (I have written about this too - We have a hard life, not a hard marriage) How do they handle it and what do they expect you to do when it happens? Stuff like that. 

#9 Here is one that is very very important - What are they like when they are drunk? This is a weird one. But really, I am serious. People sure do show you a lot of themselves when they are drunk. Watch for what caused them to get drunk, what they were like when drunk, what they say when drunk, what they are like after they are drunk, and especially how they treat you when they are drunk. Honestly, for me. ...I have never been drunk. Like, forget what happened lose all control of myself drunk. I know, it's hard to believe.... I never have, never will, and hate to even think of what I am like if it ever happened.  I know, it is impossible to even think that a person would not have been at least once in their life but hey, believe what you believe, huh? But I have seen some people that I love when they are and hate when they are. I think the reason I have this one is that when I was a very young teen, I had some intense memories of being around people who have gotten drunk and that really shaped how I feel about people who drink themselves into oblivion.

Well, that is all I can think of right now. Maybe I will come back and update this as I think of more but these were ones that I really lived by as I was growing up. 

One last note on this. Meeting my wife was a God thing. No lie. We were both not going to go to the place we met and somehow got talked into it. I was seeing someone at the time but it was not really serious or had gotten serious yet. But, I am lucky, you know? I seemed to have been left unscarred by the usual heartaches and still ended up with the love of my life. Man, it is hard to say that and not sound like I am bragging. But here I am and I can't relive my life so. . . . . 

Do you miss her?

 A girl said to me that she watched all those couples walking by her and that made her feel lonely.

Then she asked me if I felt lonely when I was not with my wife. 

I said  - "no."

"You don't?" she asked.

"No." I said flatly.

"You don't feel lonely ever when you are not with her?"

"Nope. I know that will be home when I get there." I said.

She pressed on, "You don't feel lonely when you are not with your wife. Like right now, you don't feel lonely?"

"No, she and I are married and live together and I see her every day. It is constant. Why would I feel lonely the moment she is not physically with me?"

Not giving up the argument, she then said, "Well, you never know. She may not make it home today."

"Now that is altogether different. Isn't it? You are referring to the popular phrase that goes something like..... We are not guaranteed tomorrow. 

"It Is Not The Same.

 Why would I feel lonely because of a fear that something would happen to her and be taken away from me? That kind of fear..... Living each day scared of something that may not happen for years and years if ever..... Is crazy.

How about this. Wouldn't it be worse to be with someone ..... Married or not....and still be lonely? Think about that. To live every day with a person you supposedly love.... in the same house or being together every day..... but still feel like you don't know them and feel disconnected. Being in a relationship but as lonely as being single. 

Yeah, well. That is not me. As horrible as it would be, if I lost my wife today I would never look back and say I wasted a moment with her. I didn't waste an opportunity to tell her I loved her or cuddle or hold her hand or taker her out to dinner or ask her how her day went or all those other moments that make life better with a wife. 

Of course, I would be devastated at the loss. You know I would be crushed but I can't fear something that only could happen. You know? It is much better to live life with that sort of paranoia. "

It is time we stop minimizing

    You know, I was thinking the other day about what a dear friend said to me when I helped her with a small job. I fixed a picture frame for her. It was one that she had for a long time and it really was not worth that much but it was one she wanted to keep so that she didn't have to buy another or look for another. It was not really all that difficult and I had the know-how and tools. It only took me maybe a half-hour to an hour to fix. So I took it back to her and she was so happy and thank me gratuitously which made me kind of shrink a little and said it was not that big of a deal. No, really. It was a small thing for me. 

    And then she said something that was an epiphany to me - She said, "It may have been small thing to you but it is a big deal to me."

    And that is when I started to change the way that I thought about how we are taught to minimize how we think of ourselves. . . . .and others. 

     You see, I was minimizing my skill, knowledge, and effort by saying it was nothing. In my mind, I thought I was just being humble and not bragging. But she would not let me think of what I did as being unimportant or less than that of a person who did an extravagant service for her. She was saying that what I did was something that she was unable to do and that it was significant to her. She was saying it should be significant to me even though I minimized it to not being that big of a deal. I can still be humble by not going on and on about the whole thing. I can be gracious and say thank you and that I was pleased that I was able to help. But to say that it was not a big deal or that for some reason it was less than it really was..... well, that was not true.

    Don't we also minimize things that are happening to us and to others? You know what I mean. We either say to someone else or to ourselves that compared to someone else, we have it easy with our hardship. It could be worse. We say or we compare theirs to ours and say that it is no big deal. How dare we complain?!

    A small example would be like this - When my hands get cold, they are hurting more and more nowadays. When I say that they are hurting and it is hard to use them, my wife will always say, "I will trade you." You see? She is minimizing my pain by saying that hers is more and I should be lucky that it is not worse. 

Should I though?

    Should I just suck it up and say nothing and just minimize my struggle since it is not aS bad as it could be? I don't think so. This is new to me and I am not used to it. The last time she said that to me I told her that it does not make my hands stop hurting and with her pain and my pain, it just made our lives more difficult to manage. I know my pain is less and I know that I am able to still do more but that does not make my struggle less than hers...... does it? 

    It was a small thing to her but it was a big thing to me...... you see?

With me in pain, I was thinking that I would not be able to complete tasks as well and since she is worse off, and that is not insignificant. 

    People need to understand that when a person is worried and full of anxiety and they are struggling with something new, to them it is very bad. It is the first time or unknown and that makes it scary. It is definitely not a small thing to them. And we should not minimize it. It may be old hack to someone else but to tell a person who has never experienced or has no knowledge of what is going on that it is no big deal by minimizing their trouble with something that is bigger does not help. 

    You know what does? Empathy. Empathy with what you know and how to help those who don't know how to manage it. Give wisdom and understanding and an open ear. Not judgment and minimizing of their struggle. Guide them to understand what is going on or how to cope. Explain to them what happened to you or someone else and give advice on how to navigate through. Because this is the first time for them and they need it. It is not a big deal to someone who knows but is a huge deal to someone who has never faced it. 

    If you don't get why they are struggling or you think they are overreacting or you don't even have the same frame of reference, then listen. Just listen and ask them to try and put into words what they are struggling with. Have them try to verbalize it. And if you still don't understand, let them know that you really have no frame of reference but you see that this is a big deal to them even if you can't or don't know how to help.

    Stop minimizing other people when they struggle or their contributions. Because remember - It is a big deal to them so it is not just a small thing.

Love story #14 A lesson to my son about marriage

 The other day I told my son I was going to take a day trip up to the Ark and it would be just me and his mom. He said he wanted to go, and I told him no, that it would be just his mom and I going this time.

Well, today he brought it up again. He said he was very sad and hated that we decided to go just the two of us without him.

I said.... Son, let me give you a bit of advice and a lesson you should learn well.

Your mommy and I need to to spend more time together as you and your brother are older now. I think that couples get a little too distanced as they have kids and forget why they love each other so much while taking care of their kids. Don't get me wrong, your mom and I love you guys very very much. It is normal for parents to pour their whole lives into raising kids. But as the kids get older and more self sufficient, parents find themselves having more time to spend with each other. The problem is that they may forget what it was like to spend time with each other before they had kids.

It is just that I think sometimes parents forget what it was like to be with each other before having kids. They are pressured to believe that they are not good parents if they feel that they need to nurture their marriage by spending time alone. That would mean they would have to let someone else care for their baby or toddler or tween while they are out for a night.... God forbid we should think of such a thing! And then they lose that need to want to be with each other. Parents who pour their every waking minute into their children forgetting that they are married and need to love on their spouse is why a lot of people get divorced after the kids move on to their own lives. 

I want you to remember this.. . what I am saying. I want you to remember that having kids is very special and can make your lives so much more but you can't let your kids squeeze out why you married your wife in the first place. You have to remember that your job is to raise them to be independent adults with their own lives and you must keep in touch with your wife so that you don't forget or lose the connection that brought you two together in the first place. 

That is why it will only be your mom and I. I like spending time with her. Spending time with her is her love language and when I spend time with her, she is more loving and cuddly which is my love language. We feed each other's needs that way.

You see? Does that make sense? 

Well, he said no. He didn't understand why we had to go alone and why we wanted to leave him behind. All I could say after that was - Look, when you leave home to live your own life, it will be just your mommy and me. I don't want to get to that point and have nothing left to love her for because we ended up at a point where we were only together to finish our job of raising our kids. That was never the reason I married her and will not be the reason. She and I are going to spend that time together and I hope you remember this day. I am trying to really give you a vital lesson and advice on how to make you life happier. You see me. You know how it can be done. I just hope you are paying attention. 

Needing value

Having value. Man, is this a topic that breaks people. Wondering if you are valued as much as you value them. This could just drive you crazy. So one of my friends asked if we ever wondered if we struggled with wondering if we were as valued to a person as we valued them. And I really have not thought of it but their comment started my mind thinking... Here is how I responded:

 You know, kid. It is hard not to have that thought cross your mind every once in a while. You know how my wife and I operate, we are all in. But to be honest...... I don't put much thought or energy into wondering how much I value compared to how much I am valued back. For example, I am sure that the value I have of seeing your journey to becoming the woman you are is not quite the same value you place on my random responses and tidbits of wisdom. I have placed a lot of value on relationships that I know was not reciprocated. But is it really important that it is? Well, I guess it depends. And it is relative to each person. My wife will say that she needs me more (her value of me to her) than I need her (my value of her to me). She doesn't feel that my value of her is as great as her value of me. Of course, I disagree. You see? She is just reflecting on how she feels about herself. So let's talk about how we feel about ourselves. It is not really that important if a person values me as much as I value them. My sense of someone's worth is based on selfishness..... What do they give me? In that sense, it doesn't matter how much they think of me because I am getting out of it what I want. There is a catch though. I know how much value I possess. And that is where this all revolves - validation. Do I need to be validated with my value to someone else? Well, I spent long hours and time learning to love who I am and to know that really don't need that kind of validation. It is nice to receive it but not important. I do the things I do and treat people the way I treat them out of a kind heart. I receive from people the things I find valuable without any need for reciprocation. Because I am selfish, you see? And I am good with who I am and know the value of myself without someone having to validate it. I think I rambled a bit there....... I hope all that made sense.

So, here we are again at a very critical part of a person's life. Knowing their value. I call it loving yourself. How many do you know that are in a relationship or are living their lives hanging off getting validation? I would bet a lot. There are a lot of marriages and relationships that are built or torn down because of this. 

Your own value. Your sense of self to the point of knowing that you are unique and that you love who you are and you don't need validation for what you already know. 

But where the hell does that come from? Well, it is learned through an extremely supportive home life or you go through the pain of discovering it on your own. Come to think of it, there are people that have supportive home lives that still struggle with it. So what do I know? 

Find your individual worth and value as a human being that is unique and unlike any other. It is a simple truth..... You ARE unlike any other. Each of us are. And each of us has as much value as any other because of it. I truly believe the whole leaving the 99 for the one thing. For some of us, it is easy but for some, it is a road through hell and pain and insecurity. Start with someone you trust and loves you intensley to tell you how much you have to offer and then start to see it and believe it. I think that might be a place to start.

How I feel about inspiring kids to be teachers.

 Boy is this a mixed bag.

You know, its funny. I didn't start college knowing I was going to be a Teacher. I knew I wanted to be a scientist but I didn't know what I wanted to be a scientist in. I thought about being a ranger or a researcher or material specialist or work for a company like Dow or UpJohn. 

Then I accepted a job to tutor college kids in classes I was good at..... Specifically chemistry. And that was it.... I had the teaching bug. Boy did I not know what I was getting into!

 There is always two sides to a story and I want to make sure you truly understand both.

It makes me wonder if they know how hard the job is.

Some things I didn't realize. I didn't realized how little I was prepared. I mean I knew the stuff. You know? I knew the science and I knew the content. What I didn't know was how to put it in a learnable way. I didn't know how to manage kids. I didn't know how to fill out the forms or plan for retirement or manage my time or keep markers from drying out too fast or organize grade books or the different ways to calculate grades or .... Or.   Or...... 

I didn't know that the salary would be so low to begin with and how slow it would be to increase. I didn't know how much of my life would be spent grading papers and planning lessons and replanning lessons and emailing parents and attending extra curricular and....and ...... And......

Then I wonder if they knew how awesome and rewarding the job is.

I didn't know how fun teaching was. It was so fun to just teach science and show kids how everything worked in the world around them. Its fun to just let go of inhibitions and just show how excited I am about everything science. Its exciting to see the kids smile and laugh and enjoy how much I get worked up. It so much fun to do the experiments with the kids or watch them enjoy performing the labs. 

With all that, I didn't know how much teaching would affect me personally and emotionally. I tell my students that once they are my kids they are always my kids and I mean it. I have laughed and cried and mourned and learned right along side of them. I've been proud and surprised and sad and disappointed with them. 

I remember many times laughing so hard and enjoying the moment so much that I forgot what I was teaching.

I remember sitting with a girl who had just told me her mom was diagnosed with cancer and would probably die. I didn't know what to say but I sat and just shared the space with her willing comfort into her.

I have watch with awe a kid build and test a machine for competitions and practically floated with them up to the stage to get their winning medal. 

I have hugged a kid and was told that my hug was the only hug they get during the day. 

I have sat in front of a class with tears in my eyes telling them that I was so happy to see them and meaning it with every atom in my body because a student I had that they didn't know died the day before. 

I have talked to parents in a gas station who tell me they can't get their kids to stop talking about my class because they liked it so much.

I have had a student that had a quarter of their brain removed with no verbal ability give me a gift for Christmas because they chose only me out of all their teachers to give a gift to. 

I have had a kid say that because of me and talking to them while looking into their eyes like I was looking into their soul.....  decided not to commit suicide the next day. 

I have watched my kids get their diploma. 

I have kids give me trinkets and small gifts because that is one of the only ways they know how to show me how much I meant to them as a teacher. And I keep a lot of them. These trinkets...... These gifts from kids make hard days easier.

I have had the honor of becoming not only a mentor but a friend of several of my kids for any years after they leave my class. It makes me feel like I really did make a difference in their lives.

And the list goes on and on and on and on...... 20 years worth of those kind of memories.

So. . . . 

So..... When a kid says that I inspired them to become a teacher, I wonder if they know. I wonder if they know how hard the job is. I also wonder if they know how awesome the job is. Then I smile and wish them luck because there is no job like it and they are in for a treat if they hit the job like a Schlipp!