Thier past is who they are.

 

Do not ignore their self-definition

 Throughout my relationship life, I have found that there are a few occurrences or ideals that seem to tear a relationship apart before it even begins. I am talking about those things that will make the relationship fail from the beginning only because of the position that the participants take. Some of these include religion, children, money, aspirations, and a whole host of others. The ones mentioned in the previous sentence I feel are the type in which are non – negotiables because you either want two kids or you don’t. You either want to be a Christian or you don’t. Trust me..... They need to be hashed out before thinking about marriage.

 The problem is that there are a few of these that have misinterpretations that seem like they are harmful to a relationship but is just a matter of how the partner interprets it. The one I really feel breaks a relationship more often than needs be is the talk of the Ex. I found this to be true with my wife when we first were dating. She felt as if talking or even mentioning his name would somehow distance me from her. At first, I let that go until I got to know her first. Then, once I truly knew her heart and intentions, I had to have a very serious talk with her about how I felt about talking of the ex thing.

 You see, people really are a make up of their life’s experiences. No one is truly ever going to stay the same because what happens to them in life molds a new aspect to their self definition. It can be a “Wow, I will cherish this moment for the rest of my life!” or it can also be “I will never do that again.” Relationships put new views of what a person wants out of their mate or can seriously damage their sense of trust in the opposite sex. Sometimes a failed relationship can put a stop to all future relationships.

 I had to let her know that I was alright with her talking about Him. She had spent over three years of her life with him and was very very serious. He actually told her that he wanted to marry her. Now, you know what this means to a girl. That is about the same as getting down on one knee and handing over the ring. Guys, make sure you take notes. Talking of marriage to a girl is not a toy to be played with.

 Anyway, when this amount of time and emotional investment has been made, she was pretty much devastated when she found out that he had been cheating on her and to add fuel to the fire, he was going to be a dad with that other woman. Yeah, I wish this scenario on none of my friends and family. She pretty much went into a physical and mental cocoon distancing herself from all social interaction. She went so far as to literally distance herself physically by going to college 200 miles from where He lived.

 That is when she met me. I seemed to be her savior and I really didn’t know until a few months into our relationship. I was picking up more on how she would verbally evade certain topics and that meant especially Him. She seemed like she wanted to be close, but she had a hard time being open out of fear of how I would respond. She was ashamed of some of her past choices when it came to her boyfriends. She had low expectations of herself and really felt that I was not going to stay with her if I knew. She didn’t want to give her opinion unless I said mine first. I then knew, she was hurt pretty bad before.

 So, that is when I had to clear the air to help us move on.

 It is insane for me to expect her to forget over two years of her life because it was that time that she spent everyday with Him. But others expect thier partner to do just that. It's crazy thinking to me. It is unfair for me to demand her to forget His name and never mention Him when a fond memory comes to mind. She was alive during those years. She had good times and bad times. She has memories of how happy she was and of how she was deceived. Those are the experiences that helped to make her who she is today. These are only a small part of what self defines her as a person. To ask or even demand her to forget or not talk of it is like saying that she did not live for two years. It is not right to have her ignore that part of her life because of insecure feelings that could threaten our life together. I was not going to be that petty. I was not going to be that guy.

 She did have a serious relationship with another person and that almost ended up a marriage. She does have very fond memories of her time with Him. She does talk about it sometimes. And it does not bother me because I am with her now and still with her years later. As time has gone by, she mentions him less and less. I am now filling in most of her memories and she is letting go. I guess I helped her with that, and I am glad.

 To ask a person to forget their past is like saying that they might as well not have lived for that time frame. It is better to accept that it is a part of their life and memories. It was just another time in their life. Without that part of their life, they would not be the person they are now with you.

My Quiet Husband Rage

 I am mad as hell. I am livid. I am fuming and angry beyond my limits. I am raging inside. It is like a simmering calderon of heated fire that I have to repress and hold close and I need to put this down on paper. 

So. . . .  

What the hell people!? What the stupid, short sighted, self-centered, egotistical, mean hearted, unprofessional, self-serving hell?

My wife is looking for another job. Again, she is being overlooked for what an amazing and talented teacher and professional she is to people that are only self-promoting and perpetuating the status quo.

Seriously! Is it because she is an extremely capable woman in a woman dominated field? Is it because she is more talented than most in her field and they know it? It is because she has better ideas or is better at identifying what can be done better? Is it because her depth of knowledge and creativity and ability to be on top of everything is seen as threatening? So, what is it? What? What is it?

I think what is really starting to bother me is that I truly believe that the problems in education is not the kids..... it's the adults. I am not going into the parents on this one but they are another side of this that deserves an entry unto themselves. What I am talking about is the people who make the decisions and the ones who spout for no other reason that to hear themselves talk. You know.... The leaders who don't lead. The leaders who don't know how to lead.

The way my wife was talked to by her administrator yesterday was like she didn't even know who my wife was and who she is as a teacher. Seriously, some of the things she brought up was like it was the first time she ever saw my wife instead of having her in the building for three years.  Three years! The things she said about my wife! Yelling at her kids? Being unprofessional with emails? Purposely harping on her assistant? No rapport with her students?  Not following the procedures of the school? 

I don't know who the hell she was talking about because it is not MY wife!

Seriously, my wife knows her kids as well and as in the depth as her own kids. She loves on them and knows who they are and what motivates them and how to encourage them and what their struggles are and how to help them to succeed. She can calm and make a connection with the most difficult kid that NO ONE can make a connection to! I have seen it. It is crazy extraordinary. No rapport? What a frickin farse! My wife can build a relationship with any kid! This woman has never set foot in my wife's classroom for a second if that is what she believes.

Being unprofessional? Harrumph! Yeah. Right! Reminding people that they are going to break the law and when reports have to be done and when meetings need to be scheduled and when papers need to be signed is being unprofessional? Expecting a person to respond to an email within a day or two and not months later (if ever) is being unprofessional? Seriously, quit being all butt hurt and say thank you and then turn your ass around and do your job. She just saved your backside from breaking the law or looking like you are incompetent.... say thank you and get to it. 

And for the staff member that is saying some of this stuff to them so that they can just feel good and justified in their views of her. How dare you! How much have you seen her with her kids? How much do you talk to her and get to know her and her abilities? How threatened of her do you have to be to say untrue and spiteful things? You could learn a thing or two from her and she will be a coach to you with ideas and creativity that will make you a better teacher but you chose to scorn her and attack her behind her back. You choose to hide behind anonymity. You damn coward/s! Have her stand right beside you when you tell the bosses this stuff and let's see how that goes!

And how is she supposed to know what all the policies and procedures are when they are not in a manual or communicated up front?  Better yet, why are you bringing up stuff that she did years ago when you corrected her and she has not once done that again? Doesn't that show professionalism that she owned up to her miss step and has corrected it?

And the gall this woman had to tell my wife that she was not the person she thought she was........ 

You get what you get with my wife. She is not going to put on a show. She is not going to mince words. She is going to know more than the average teacher and will share her experience and straight-up intelligence. You sat in an interview for two hours....... TWO HOURS ...... Three years ago and LOVED what you saw and heard. That was only a drop in the bucket to the lottery of an employee you landed and now you are just going stand there and throw all that away for what? Who the hell knows what it is that has got all up in your crawl..... 

Like....... What the hell!

God, I could go on. But I am helpless. I could send an email. I could make phone calls. I could write a review. I could stir the pot. But to what end? Nothing will change. They will not own up to their mistakes or unprofessionalism. The status quo will hold firm. They will turn it all around against her and gaslight her out. And that is just what she is going to do. She is going to tuck tail and go. 

But The fires are smoldering in me. I hate it. I hate to see how it affects her. I hate to see how it chips away at her confidence. I hate how she bites back and stands her ground but still gets beaten back. Knocked down. Stood over with their power over her. 

...... I hate how I see it breaks the front she puts up to defend herself. 

And I hate this anger inside of me. It is eating away at me and I try to let it go. It is so hard though. Just when I set it aside and forget, it falls back into my lap. I don't like the way it feels and it is completely against my inner nature that it is like graffiti that takes away from my true image of myself. I feel ashamed of it but I can't let this go. It is too real and too raw and there are times I fight to keep the tears that are just behind the surface from breaking through. I struggle not to break things when I am in my shop. It makes me feel unclean and dirty. I feel like I am a different person.

But what I can do is I will be there. I will encourage her and fill her cup with what is true about what an amazing teacher she is. I will do the only thing I can do. I will be the husband I promised to be for her and I will be that teacher colleague that will support her when she doesn't feel like she is making a difference. 

Because she is. The kids can feel it too. And their parents know too. They know even when the leaders choose not to see.. And that is where it is all at. That is what is important. You know?

Why I married her.

 Are you ready? The following is why I married my wife. It took a while to decide and like I have said a few times before, finding my wife was one of the most deliberate endeavors I have ever done. It sounds so heartless and without emotion, but that is far from the truth. 

It all started back when I was a teen and I was looking to have a girlfriend. But, I was "That Guy." Even though I struck out in the friend zone all the time, I paid attention to those around me and really developed what I thought a relationship should look like. You know as well as I do that there is no shortage of examples in high school to draw upon to develop what you like and don't like when it comes to finding a parner. 

So, here is where I started to develop my sense of what I wanted. I hated to see verbally abusive relationships. It ground my gears to hear them say they were in love and the turn around and insult or be hateful to each other. Seriously, people! That's not love, eh? It really bugged me seeing the on-and-off relationship where they would break up and then get back together all the time. I called them trampolines. Then of course you have the manipulative ones where one or the other played brain games.... I guess now they now called it gaslighting. Whatever. It has been around forever no matter what name you give it. And, holy crap is that a messed up type of relationship!

I saw all that and more and I filed it away in my mind to remember for when I eventually broke that irritating Friend Zone curse. Don't get me wrong, I dated a few times but being the type of guy that was friend-zoned all the time and being a huge introvert, it was not like I was a lion in a pride of lionesses. You know? It was more like a pin ball just bumping into people and sometimes they held on for a moment or two and then kicked back out into the game again.

I was really cautious too. I saw and learned a lot from my siblings and their boyfriends and girlfriends. Holy crap were some of them messed up! I didn't agree with some of the things my sisters did like how many partners they had as I was growing up but that was just my thing. I was not going to do that..... Not that girls were beating down my door anyway. My brother was gaslighted and manipulated for most of his high school years. No way for me! I knew one thing very early on - I was too sensitive and emotional to get serious too fast. Emotionally I knew I would not be able to handle the heartbreak. 

So here it is. After much time, awkwardness, and being weird, the following is why I married my wife.

I will start with the first time I met her. We were at a coffee social that was put on by the residence assistant to promote community in the dorm I was staying. I remember going and seeing her there. The very first thing I noticed was her smile. It was instant infatuation. Dang! I saw it and thought, I love this smile! Then she asked me something, I really don't know what it was but I thought that I had to see if I could get her to smile at me some more! We started to talk. I found out how intelligent she was and that she was going to be a teacher like I was. I could feel the drive in her and the goals she had set for herself. It drew me in more to her. I was definitely interested. And that smile..... did I say she had a great smile?

We ended up talking the night away to like 4 in the morning. It was hours and hours of just getting to know each other. Then I asked if she would be going to a meeting the next day that I was going to and asked if I could take her. Then we talked of going to a coffee house and then a movie and then we started to hang out together as much as we could. I really enjoyed that we talked so easily and never really ran out of stuff to talk about. 

After that, I had to know about her family. It was important to me that her family and I got along. The first meeting of her family was dropped on me when they decided to drop by about a two weeks after we met. I was seeing her every day at least in passing by that time. Well, she just dropped by with them at my door way one day and we talked in the hallway for a while. Then I visited them for a couple of days for the spring break and knew that she had really great parents. Her dad reminded me of my Grandpa.

After about a six months, we had grown in our relationship to lay bare our most hidden thoughts and some feelings or things that we have done that we were not -proud of. Let me tell you, if you feel that some one is laying bare their soul with something that they are ashamed of or it eats away at their insides, it is critical that you respond with empathy, reassurance, and with compassion. And that means no matter how trivial that whole thing is to you. 

She said that she was in a hard relationship before me that she thought would be "The ONE." Well, there was a day where she thought she was pregnant and had a scare. It turned out that she was not. To me that is trivial. She wasn't pregnant so no harm - no foul. But to her, this was a very emotional rollercoaster to her because to her the possibility of becoming pregnant when she was not ready reflected on who she was and how responsible she was and things like that. To me it was not a big deal, people have pregnancy scares all the time. To her, is was a very personal reflection of who she was and what her morals were. Trust me, that was important to how I approach that part of our relationship. This was the time when she also started to let go of the fear left by that crippling relationship experience (he eventually cheated on her and got another girl pregnant) and started to get closer to me. And I did the same to her.  

As time went on we had struggles and emergencies that just come with life. Going to the hospital, and broken down cars, and money problems, and job problems, and school stress, and a host of other things. I found that she was very good with advice and thinking ahead. She managed stress horribly but looked to find solutions instead of blame. We made plans of attack with the best of our knowledge and our best wisdom at the time and she stood by me and I stood by her to get things straightened out. I developed a trust for her that went deep and I believe that she did too. 

Then about a year into our relationship we started to talk "business" of becoming even more involved. We started to talk about what our idea of marriage was and it was not all love and hallmark movie. We talked about things like how many children we would like and what church we would go to and where we would live if we got married and where we would like to work and how we would manage money and save for retirement. Stuff like that. In the end, love is truly not enough no matter what the romantics say. Love drives the will to make life easier for both of you.

That's about the time I had cemented in my mind that I was ready to pray about marrying this girl and asking her to be my wife. 

There was still more though. I still needed to see how she talked about being a wife. I still needed time to hear how she reacted to what she saw others do in their relationship and how spoke of other people and what they did. That, to me, says a lot about her deep inside feelings of commitment and how she would act and be in our marriage. What I saw and heard and experience was making me fall even deeper. 

The last and most important part of knowing if my wife was the one for me has to do with feeling, emotions, and well being. It started on that first night when I caught a glance of her smile. The feelings I had then! Seriously. I was hooked and infatuated like hell. I am not kidding when I say that love is not enough. But love is the fuel. I loved to listen to my wife talk about her future job and her ideas. Her voice goes up and she speaks with enthusiasm and her eyes light up with her excitement.  I loved to hear and watch to her with babies. I craved to know what she thought and how she saw what is happening. I enjoyed bragging on her because I truly believe that she is one of the most intelligent people I know. I found comfort in knowing that she will stay with me and will be faithful. I don't worry about it or feel the need to be jealous. I don't have to defend it at all. I just know. She shows me all the time with her words and notes, and little gifts, and the time she spends with me, and the places she wants to take me and the hugs and kisses and cuddling and all the other things she does. Most of all, I loved how just her mere touch makes my whole being relax and let go of all the toxic feelings I have. I don't worry as much. I let go of anxiety. I let go of anger. I let go of sadness. I become calm and peaceful. She centers me and helped me to just be in touch with being. It is deep and I look at what I have just written and it seems so pitiful and dull to what it really felt like. 

And to this very day, it is all the same but more intense. You know?

And that is when I decided to pop the question. It was just the two of us. I didn't want fan fair or a big show. I wanted it to be just us because in my mind our marriage would be just us and this moment was sacred and intimate. It was a moment for just us to experience with no one to put their spin or influence on it. And I asked her. And she said yes, and I think that my heart exploded and melted all at the same time. It was truly the beginning of an endless happiness for me. 

This is really a pathetic and crazy pale description to how I really feel about why I married my wife and to this day am more in love with her than ever. but, here it is because you ask me why. 

The after math

    The brain is such a complex and intricate piece of biology that there is no way it will ever be figured out. The chemical soup that scientists can say they understand and know what the chemicals and reactions are, but then have no freakin' idea how they create the soul and personality. It will run you into a rabbit hole for several lifetimes! This is why I truly believe that it can only be created by God. In the end, scientists only sit back and scratch their heads wondering, "How the hell can all these reactions create a person with such a unique personality all their own?" 

    But I digress. What I am really stuck on lately is the fact that I am in a struggle as a father to help and guide my son to where he needs to be in order to cope with life and be the independent man I know he can become. Honestly, the last year has been filled with so many ups and downs, progress and setbacks that it is hard to explain to the regular guy that we are mentally and emotionally stretched beyond what we thought we could go. It all has to do with that known but still mysterious workings of the brain. 

    So here we are in the after math. He is home after his third stay in the hospital for attempted self-harm. It was crazy terrible, and this stay started with calling 911 in a mess of who can remember the insanity of that nightmare of 30 mins. Seriously, I remember restraining him and the police giving my wife and I one last bit of comforting words of "He's safe now" before we were left alone. Everything in between is a blur of repressed memories and emotion.

    Now that he is home, I am in this phase of "What Now?" I mean my wife and I have tried so many things. We have done more tests and more types of medicine and different therapists and more supporting programs and more encouraging and . . . . .and . . ..  . and . . . .  We are tired and our mental strength is waning. It is hard to explain but we still are at this blocked road with a sign that reads, "Seriously, What Else Can Be Done?"

    We can't give up though. This can't be the end. I refuse to give in. 

    I think that after this last stay that maybe the stress on him is starting to change his goals. I think that maybe he is starting to see that we are still going and that we will not back down from what we want. The aftermath of this stay seems to be a little different. I mean he still is battling his own mental wars with anxiety and being around people and being able to cope with stress and all that. But this time, I think maybe his mind set has changed a little. At least it seems like it has. 

    I mean, he is not mentally ill. Not really if you think about it. He just perceives his world around him differently. He doesn't approach the average social situation in that same way and his mind can play tricks on him to believe or fear things that are not really there. This is the part that needs to be overcome. The hardest part of it is to help him to understand that it starts with him. We have to get him to know that half or more of the work to overcome these difficulties and to work around them is his work to be done. It is up to him and that he has to work at changing the way he sees and thinks about the world around him. 

    Of course, the actual hardest part is to get him to really believe deep down that he is not only capable of doing this but also totally able to do it as well. 

    This is the roadblock. This is the part that really is the crux of all of it. And once we figure out how to dismantle that roadblock he is standing in front of and get him get through, everything else will fall into place. 

    Even then, though, it will still be a long road. There will be a long way to go still and a lot of pitfalls, progress and setbacks. It is inevitable. 

God, the brain is a mysterious piece of biology.  

 

My Grandpa's Flag

 

 

Mom and Dad,

As I finish up the display for my grandpa’s flag, memories come flooding back of what type of man he was. Honestly, it is hard to say this but he would be scorned and hated in today’s society. You see, he was a man’s man. He ruled his house with a hard hand and temperament that was rough and gruff. He was the king of his castle, and his wife and kids were going to tow the line. He also said racial slurs and had very black and white views. I never could get him to stop calling Italians “Degos” and I never found out why he called them that.

But you see, my grandpa grew up in a time of our country’s history that was hard. It was a time where you never knew when your next meal was going to come your way and you knew you would be still hungry afterward. It was a time where you would work all day just to get one meal for that day. It was a time where no one had anything, and the Depression was going strong. It was during his time that World War II ravaged the world, and he went across seas to fight to keep it from landing in his country where his wife and children were. When he came back from the war, he made a good living as an electrician where he was able to use his hands and his considerable problem-solving skills to literally build the Depression scared country from the ground up.

My grandpa was hard. He snapped hard and he could hit hard. But he had a hard life and the Great Depression and war had toughened him into stone. Today he would be seen as a Bigot or unwoke. He would be hated for the way he talked about other races or about sexual orientation. The man I knew though was much different. He was very judgmental but he also judged a man by his works and the hard work they accomplished. He judged them by their heart and their deeds. No matter what they looked like or what they believed or the words he used when talking about them, he respected good hard working men. He was passionate about his family and country. He insisted that I learned to do anything I set my mind to and to think before I did it. He said that we needed to work smarter and that it was the way to get more work done without hurting ourselves. He was the one that taught me that below the rough exterior was a softness and deep caring that was hard to see but hard to miss.

I work on his flag, the symbol of honor that was draped over him as I helped carry him to rest, and all these memories come flooding back. I learned a lot from him as I know all my siblings did. We didn’t agree with some of the ways he did things or the way he talked or felt about people. What we knew of him though was that he lived a life that would be literal hell to most kids of my time and he survived it. He was driven to pass his grit down to me. And I needed it even if at the time I had no idea I needed it.

I work on this flag and case and I hope that it does him honor. He was a product of his time and the times he experienced. And he truly did represent what I think of as a patriot and a man that loved his family and country. I hope that I am carrying on his legacy well for he was truly one of the men that made our country great.

 

The Meanings Behind Rituals for Military and Veteran Funerals

 

        Covering the Casket with a Flag

        Covering the casket with the flag became a custom during the Napoleanic wars (1796-1815). The dead carried from the field of battle on a caisson were covered with a flag, so that each side could identify their own dead. Draping the flag of a nation over a military serviceperson’s or veteran’s casket serves to remind the living of that person’s service and sacrifice for that country.

 

The 21-Gun Salute

        The 21-gun salute – seven guns shot three times – came from a signal to stop fighting to allow each side to clear the dead from the field of battle. Once each army had cleared its dead, it would fire three volleys to indicate that the dead had been cared for and that they were ready to go back to fighting.

        In the earliest days of cannon and firearm use, the British National Salute was recognized as being comprised of seven guns. Although a ship could fire seven guns for honors, fort-based guns could fire three shots to one shot afloat. In that day, gunpowder of sodium nitrate was easier to keep on shore than at sea.

Over time, as the quality of gunpowder improved by the use of potassium nitrate, the sea salute was made equal to the shore salute.

        A 21-gun salute was the highest national honor. Although for a period of time monarchies received more guns than republics, eventually republics claimed equality. The United States adopted the 21-gun and “Gun for Gun Return” on August 17, 1875.

       

A Short History of Taps

          Taps is an American bugle call, composed during the Civil War by Union Brigadier General Daniel Butterfield at Harrison’s Landing, Virginia, in 1862. The call, and the name Taps, was officially adopted by the U.S. Army in 1874.

The 24-note melancholy bugle call is thought to be a revision of a French bugle signal, called “tattoo,” that notified soldiers to cease an evening’s drinking and return to their garrisons. It was sounded an hour before the final bugle call to end the day by extinguishing fires and lights.

        The first time Taps was played at a military funeral may also have been in Virginia soon after Butterfield composed it. Union Capt. John Tidball, head of an artillery battery, ordered it played for the burial of a cannoneer killed in action. Not wanting to reveal the battery’s position in the woods to the enemy nearby, Tidball substituted Taps for the traditional three rifle volleys fired over the grave.

          Taps was played at the funeral of Confederate Gen. Stonewall Jackson 10 months after it was composed. Army infantry regulations by 1891 required taps to be played at military funeral ceremonies. Taps now is played by the military at burial and memorial services, to accompany the lowering of the flag and to signal the “lights out” command at day’s end.

 

The Flag Folding Ceremony

It takes 13 individual folding movements to create the blue field/white star triangle encasing the American flag. Two people conduct the ceremony, with precision and solemn attention.

        If there is no body in a casket, such as at a memorial service where the deceased has been cremated, the flag may be unfolded and re-folded with just as much solemn attention.

       

1.      1. The 1st fold of our flag is a symbol of life.

2.      2. The 2nd fold is a symbol of our belief in eternal life.

3.      3. The 3rd fold is made in honor and remembrance of the veterans departing our ranks who gave a portion of their lives for the defense of our country to attain peace throughout the world.

4.     4.  The 4th fold represents our weaker nature, for as American citizens trusting in God, it is to Him we turn in times of peace as well as in time of war for His divine guidance.

5.      5. The 5th fold is a tribute to our country, for in the words of Stephen Decatur, “Our Country,” in dealing with other countries, may she always be right; but it is still our country right or wrong.

6.      6. The 6th fold is for where our hearts lie. It is with our heart that “We pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the republic for which it stands, one Nation under God, Indivisible, with Liberty and Justice for all.”

7.    7.   The 7th fold is a tribute to our Armed Forces, for it is through the Armed Forces that we protect our country and our flag against all her enemies, whether they be found within or without the boundaries of our republic.

8.      8. The 8th fold is a tribute to the one who entered into the valley of the shadow of death, that we might see the light of day.

9.      9. The 9th fold is a tribute to womanhood, and Mothers. For it has been through their faith, their love, loyalty and devotion that the character of the men and women who have made this country great has been molded.

10.10.   The 10th fold is a tribute to the father, for he, too, has given his sons and daughters for defense of our country since they were first born.

11.  11. The 11th fold represents the lower portion of the seal of King David and King Solomon and glorifies in the Hebrews’ eyes, the God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.

12.  12. The 12th fold represents an emblem of eternity and glorifies, in the Christians’ eyes, God the Father, the Son, and Holy Spirit.

13.  13. The 13th fold, or when the flag is completely folded, the stars are uppermost reminding us of our nation’s motto, “In God We Trust.”

       

Three Bullet Casings Slipped Into Folded Flag

The military funeral honors also include a ceremony in which the honor guard removes the flag from the casket and carefully folds it, with the blue field of stars facing up. Then, the folded flag is presented to the deceased person's family as a token of gratitude for that person's service.

The flag detail often slips three shell casings into the folded flag before presenting the flag to the family. Each casing represents one volley. This gesture provides a slightly different meaning for the symbolism of the three bullets in a military funeral.

Some military traditionalists argue that the shell casings should not be slipped into the flag as it's being folded since doing so would require opening a flap of the flag. Instead, the shell casings should be retrieved and presented separately to the next of kin.

Flag Presentation to the Family

What members of each service branch say to the family upon presentation of the flag differs by service.

 

Army: “As a representative of the United States Army, it is my high privilege to present you this flag. Let it be a symbol of the grateful appreciation this nation feels for the distinguished service rendered to our country and our flag by your loved one.”

Forgiveness Part 2 - Yes, years and years later.

     I have stated earlier that I will not forgive him for what he had done to me. I would like to think that I have a very forgiving heart and will let go of just about anything and everything. There was one season in my life though that weighed very heavy on my heart every time the subject came up in sermons or conversations or just in memory. My unforgiveness was for the one who went to such lengths to upset, displace, and attack my first teaching job and in doing so, changed my life forever. 

    After many many years and talking with church members and my pastor, I find that maybe I didn't understand what forgiveness really meant.  When I said that I would not forgive him, I really was saying that there will never be a day that I would tell this man that it was ok for what he did to me. There would never be a day where if he approached me and asked if I would tell him that he was right and that I was alright with it that I would say sure. Because I will not. 

    But then that is not the point, now is it? They say that forgiveness is for you and not for them. That's the point. Right? It is for you and the peace of your heart. Forgiveness is not really about telling someone that it was alright to wrong you. Forgiveness is not saying that the wrong they did to you was fine and that you don't feel it was wrong anymore. It is more of how the thought and idea of the wrong impacts your life and what you feel should happen to the one who did you wrong.

    You see, I really did have unforgiveness in my heart back when it all happened. I held on to it daily and it consumed my mind to the point that it was the only thing I thought day and night. I blamed him for all my ills and how I had to give up my house and my financial stability and security of being close to family and the shame I felt for not being able to provide for my family. I blamed him for it all. 

    What he did to me controlled my life.

    It controlled my emotions.

    It consumed my brain.

    It held my heart hostage. 

    And I wanted him to hurt as bad as I was hurting. I wanted him to suffer too. I wanted to get back at him.

    That is what unforgiveness was. 

    Then the day that I can't remember and have no idea when it happened passed that I actually let go of all that anger and resentment and thoughts of harm to him. I really don't know when it happened. You see, I believe after much talk, that when you are not willing to forgive you still hold this feeling and belief inside that the person who did you so much wrong owes you something. You think that they would deserve to have ill befall them and you want them to pay for what they did. This is why forgiving is so important for you and not for them. 

    Wanting someone to suffer is not Christain. Wanting someone to suffer is letting the devil get in the way of us seeing how God works all for his good. And that is why forgiving is for us. You see, my wife and I are much better off now than if we would have stayed. I am not saying that it was easy and that all was roses. But overall, we really did end up in a better spot where I feel we are happier. We have made more of an impact and we have had more opportunities. I can point back to many times between then and now when stuff that has happened to us had to be a God thing. 

    So, if I didn't see this man again in my life, I will be just fine. If I saw him on the street and he tried to talk to me, I will be cordial and kind. I will not tell him I am okay with what he did to me but I don't wish him ill will or any type of suffering. I have let go of that part of my life and it has not had hold of me for a long time. I have forgiven that part of me and it has lost its hold over all aspects of my being and my life. 

    Forgiveness is not about telling someone that it was okay that they did you wrong. Forgiveness is about letting go of what they did so that it does not get in the way of you becoming more like Jesus. It is forgiveness by not letting it control your entire being to the point where you are blind with anger. 

    Forgiveness is for you by giving you the ability to free yourself for what God has planned for you.

    

Trapped in our own heads.

     Do you realize we are trapped inside our own body? God! How frightening is that? Nothing, and I mean nothing, is real unless your nerves that are just bags of jelly infused with chemicals, send signals to more bags of jelly. And for some useless impossible reason if you have enough of these bags of jelly and they all for some reason swap the right combination and mix of chemicals, you can have this thing called Self Awareness.

                 Yeah. Sounds crazy right?

Well, who knows what "real" really is? It is whatever your nerves tell your brain it is. And then if your nerves are not really telling the other nerves what is real, then you are just trapped in a brain full of lies. Now isn’t that just fun?

                  Me? No, this is not me. But how do you get a person to take this reality that they are trapped inside their head with and get them to realize that is it not the reality they are experiencing? Better yet, they really do understand the perception of reality defined by our culture and are deathly petrified of it and are withdrawing behind anger and meanness, and denial. How do you change that thinking? You don’t.

                  Actually, I don’t even think you can. At least I don’t think you can.

                They tell you they are telling you that nothing is working and you encourage them to keep trying. Keep practicing the techniques. They respond by telling you that they don’t work and they have tried them lots of times. They don’t work. They say that you are not helping and that telling them not to give up is making it worse. They tell you they would rather not live than feel the way they are feeling. They say that if this is the way growing up feels that they want nothing to do with it.

                They say that you are not listening.

                I am though.

                I hear you say that you are not happy and that you are scared and that you find no enjoyment in life. I hear you when you say that you are scared to talk to people and that you are scared to be alone and that you are scared to be around people you don’t know and you are scared to get to know people. I hear you when you say that you don’t feel like you can make it as an adult with these things like taxes and loans and bills and all those ethereal things that will become real too fast and too soon. I hear you when you say that you hurt all over because I understand that mental pain shows itself as physical pain. I hear you when you say you don’t think we care because we make you do this stuff to see if it will help you even though you keep saying it won't or hasn’t. I hear you.

                But I am not giving up when you tell me you want to.

                I am not giving up when you say that you already have.

                You say that I am not hearing you when you want to stop trying and I want you to keep going.

                You say I don’t care because I insist on trying when you are done trying.

                And so here we are . . . we both are filled with these sacks of jelly that seem to have just the right amount of chemicals in the right amounts that are passing back and forth. They give us this self-awareness and it is a curse to some people. To you, it seems. You are trapped in yours and I am trying to show you how to be ok with it. . . . how to manage and change the way you see and feel and touch and smell and hear the world around you. I am trying to show you that you can learn and get around those feelings and that you can feel better.

But all you feel is trapped and it scares the hell out of you.

All you feel is wanting to be nothing and you can’t change it.

All you know and are able to experience is fear and being alone in your head.

And I just don’t know what to do anymore.

But, I will tell you one thing – I still am not giving up.

Even though you have told me you have.