It has been a while. There have been several family therapies since that last time I checked in. A lot has happened since the last time I made an entry here but I have made a couple written journal entries.
Since the last time, my son has wrecked his car. It was a pretty tense time. He was rear ended while he was going to his grandpa's. We told him to stay home and save his gas, but he didn't listen to us. When he stopped for a construction vehicle, the person behind him just rammed him from behind. So, my wife and I struggled with the whole .... if he would have just listened to us. . . and it was not his fault - the guy didn't even hit his brakes. You know. We just wish we didn't have to go through all this. In the end, we were in a mess since we didn't have the money to replace his car.
But, the good Lord was looking down on us. the insurance of the other guy paid out enough to get another car. then we were trying to find a decent car for what we got paid out for. That is crazy in today's age. A decent car is not less than 3000 dollars and it has like a 100,000 miles on it! It was crazy to be junk car shopping. I hated it. But we found one. It ended up needed a bit of work on it and some new parts but I think maybe it will be workable.
What really came of all this was the therapy after the month or two of interlude.
The therapist want to have a reset and see how we were doing and requested that we see him separately before we started again. When he met with me, it came out that I was still holding onto a lot of trauma and memories that needed to be dealt with. He told me that my descriptions and emotion when reliving those episodes were too intense for them being so long ago. He also told me that I needed to keep my distance from my son so that I didn't have triggers that sent me back to those memories.
So, was a point that I started to pull back a little. it was hard and I knew that I needed space and distance but it is never that easy with him. He needed his car worked on and he hit a brick mailbox that I had to deal with and he had this job that was not a good one and the court was pressuring him. The tension was getting higher.
It was at this time that my wife and I were talking about when to cut him off from our financial support. I didn't realize how much we were paying for him, but it is substantial. It's enough to really cause me issues. So, we set in palace a plana and a hard line for the day. It would be the first of the year . . . . about 8 months from now.
Then I went up to Ma and Dad's for a few days. Just myself since everyone else had school. When I was up there, my son called and said he had a new job at Goodwill.
And I broke down.
It was like the Good Lord stepped in again and let this happen to calm my spirit a little. I didn't know how much shame and guilt I had for planning to cut off my son but it was weighing on me a bit. When he told me he had the job and all the things that Goodwill would do for him - insurance, housing assistance, benefits, and all - it was like all the tension of throwing him out to the wolves with nothing to work towards just melted away.
And here we are. He seems to be doing great at his job and everyone is praising him and encouraging him. He likes his job and he talks about it a lot. It has been a week and he seems happy. For him, that is extraordinary. It is a good sign.
Me? I have had one session of therapy where I relived a bad memory with my son and I really don't like it. I think that is what we are going to be doing is having me relive these memories I have while I am guided by the therapist. Will it help me? I am not sure but I am going to give it a try.
One thing I know for sure is that I have been feeling better - mentally and Physically- that I have for a long time. I am feeling more like myself that I have in a long time.
And that is something, eh?
