Please, God. Put her in his path.

 We were in wal mart yesterday and the song "Just the way" by Blanco Brown was playing over the intercom. As I was standing there, I heard my youngest humming to it and thought, that's funny, I didn't realize he knew this song. 

So I asked, "Is that you humming to this song, son? I didn't know you would like this."

Very softly, He said only two words:

"Not anymore."

I could barely hear the words and I was looking straight into his eyes when he said them because I sometimes struggle to hear him.  

And I saw tears slightly welling. 

Then he turned to look a different direction. 

Yeah boy, I know. 

I know what it is like. I know what its like to fall for someone that didn't fall for me. I know how it feels to be so taken by a girl that my mind is consumed with the fever of the crush. And, I know what it feels like to be rejected. 

And I listen to the lyrics as we wait for our turn to check out:

I love you just the way God made you

Girl, He don't make mistakes

What you call your imperfections

I call beautiful, babe 

And I remember the day his heart was broken. It is one of those times that is stamped in my memory like it was yesterday. I was sitting in the living room watching TV and he came out of his room practically running to the back door and was out of the house before I could even figure out what just happened. One thing was sure, he was upset. 

I got up and went out side to where I had no idea which direction he went. I stood on the back porch listening for a moment. And I heard him. Sobbing. He was full out crying and when I followed the sound, I found him under our oak tree in the front yard. There in the shade of the tree, he was laid out flat with his face in the ground and his arms covering his head. His body flexed with his heaving breaths as he poured all his tears into the ground. 

I slowly approached him and asked what was wrong. He didn't answer. I didn't know what to do and I had no idea what to say. So, I sat with my back next to the tree and my legs straight out in front of me. I said I would just sit there while he cried it out. And we did just that... He cried and I sat silently with him laying next to me crying into the ground. Getting it all out. 

It had to be that girl. The one I know he was trying to get close to at school. She did this to him. She called it off. I would bet he fawned over her and complemented her and treated her like a queen. Just like i do with my wife. And I am sure she had no idea what kind of man he is.  And she didn't have a clue to what she snatched up. And she probably thought to herself that she could do better or find something more exciting. She maybe thought he was smothering her or he was just "not her type," whatever the hell that means. What I did know now is that she broke it off with my son and he took it hard to the gut and his heart. 

After he cried a bit and started to calm a bit, I said, "Hey, let's get out of here. Just go. What do you say?"

He looked up at me and didn't say anything but he did get up. I did too. We got in the car and I honest to God had no idea where I was going but I had to do something. I had to try and help him through it and I don't think any words or anything I could say would help at all. So, I drove. In silence. And I drove. With tears rolling down his cheeks. And we ended up at a creek. 

I said, "Come on."

I got out of the car and walked down to the edge of the water and stood there a moment. He came up to beside me and stood there with me. No words. We just stood there listening to the water go by. And then I said, "Fuck it." And stepped out into the water walking up stream jeans ,shoes, and all. Who cares? What does a bit of wet clothes compare to the pain he was feeling? 

You know what? He followed me! Out into the water he followed me. 

We walked a ways until it got to where I couldn't really go much further. Then I said, "Well, lets go back then. We went back to the car and I started to drive again. In silence still I drove and just kept going. I still had no idea what to do or what to say so I didn't say anything and I kept driving. 

Without really knowing how I got there, we were at a wall mart and we were walking the aisles in our wet clothes just looking at toys. He didn't say anything but his breathing was not the gasps of grief and his tears had stopped. He stood still in front of the transformers for a good solid 5 minutes. 

Without looking at me, he said softly, " I am ready to go home." 

"Ok, son. Let's go then," I said quietly back to him.

I took him back home. He dropped his wet clothes at the laundry room on his way to his room and that was it. We didn't talk of it. It never came up. It was the summer break and we just did summer break stuff. In my mind though, the next school year was coming up and I had to say something. I had to prepare him for what may come. I had to get him ready. 

Here is an entry of mine from that day...

From 2021

About a month ago my son got really upset and emotional. I tried to get him to talk to me but he is just not that open with me. Anyway, I had a feeling it was the girlfriend and she broke up with him. Well, several weeks have gone with periods of sadness and stoicism.

Today though. Today I had to know. I had to know before he went back to school where I know she will be. So, I just laid my cards on the table and asked directly. He said yes. She broke up with him and he had "no fricken idea why."

This is where I just jumped in with both feet and just talked straight up. I didn't even know how to start. I was so unsure of myself but here I go anyway because I had to try and give him something...... Anything .....

"I'm going to give you something to think about, ok?"

He only sat looking at his tablet. It was on silent but he didn't look at me. The clock had started and I was determined to finish.

"Look, son, I want you to really think about what I am saying, okay?"

Still nothing. I push forward.

"I want you to be ready for her to maybe want to get back together with her. If she decides to, I think it is always best to steer clear. Once a girl breaks it off and then wants to get back together, they seem to do it again and again. They sometimes do it to have control over you. Or, sometimes they leave you for another and then realize you were actually better. Either way, if they do that once, it becomes easier to do it to you over and over ..... Like a trampoline. Bouncing in and out all the time.

What I trying to say, son is...... Is...... Well, damn it! You are too good of a man to let a girl do that to you more than once. I know it hurts like hell but you can't let them do that to you more than once. Its not right."

Then I waited to see. To see anything. It looked like he may have been tearing up but I don't know. I don't even know if I was making sense to him. I just stood up, gave his shoulder a little squeeze and walked away. Man, was that hard. I have been having more than my share of those moments lately.

And here we are, years later with this song . Of course, I put my foot in my mouth by asking. I have been rolling this episode through my mind all day and I really hope that my boy finds a girl that is good for him. You know? Someone that will bond to him forever ancomplementbond to forever. Someone that will grow with him and fight back life's setbacks with him and someone who will love life with him in it with her. I want him to have what I have. And I don't mean a girl just like my wife. I dont want a girl like my wife. I mean a girl that will compliment him as much as he does for her. . . . just like my wife and I complement each other, you know? Does that make sense? 

And then I say in my head a quick prayer. . .

Please God. Put her in his path. 

Your mind lies to you

Not feeling good about myself at the moment. Of course it is all in my head and my reason is fighting back against my feelings. 

My feelings are just fighting back a little harder today. 

You know?

I posted this to Facebook awhile back and when I looked back through to find a post, I came across it again. I have been feeling this way more and more often. I don't know, maybe it's age or maybe it's because I am still struggling with my son.... I just haven't really felt good about myself or felt good overall for awhile now. 

I reread one of the comments from a former student:

I think of you often and how enthusiastic you made us feel about school and learning. The rest of us feel good about you when we think of you. But the mind can be so cruel — take heart in knowing that the people you love would never allow someone to speak to you the way your own mind does. It lies. Your record doesn’t.

And my response:

Thank you for your kind words. They mean a lot. The mind does lie to you and often when you are weak after fighting the trials of life a bit. You know, we pick all our battles except for one..... the battle with ourselves. You don't have any choice when it comes to fighting yourself. You can't run or hide from yourself and your thoughts. And when life is hard and the battles you choose drag on and on..... your mind and thoughts deceive you and creep out of the shadows. But, I have found it is temporary if you got a good measure of grit and friends and those people you have made an impact on. 

After reading this again I try to recenter myself but it's so hard. You know? Because it is as true now as it was then ... You can not run or hide from your own thoughts. We are trapped with them and they always come from the deepest worry and fears that we try to lock away. 

They bubble up and will not be ignored . 

Worries. 

Fears. 

Almosts.

Past pains.

Past trauma. 

You thoughts will cycle through and haunt you with memories and maybes and what ifs until you just want to crawl into a hole in your mind. 

But, that will not help anything. So I tell my mind it lies and I carry on. Because what else is there? What kind of life can I look forward to if I crumble to those thoughts? 

Not much, eh? 

Its morbid but I am going to write about it anyway

 I have been thinking about what I would want after I pass away. 

I know, it is morbid to think about it, but I have been since my dad is getting older and he had his stroke, and I have been looking closer at my health.

Anyway. . . . .I think I have some of the most different views on topics that I don't really hear from others.  What happens after I pass away will be no different, I guess.

One of the most craziest things I can think of after a person passes is for people to walk by the body lying in a casket. I just can't do that anymore. The last memory of my grandpa and my grandma and my cousin and a colleague are of them laying in a casket. And you know what? I hated it. I hate that the last memory I have of how they looked. It didn't look like them and they had no resemblance to the person I knew. 

And that is the last memory of them I have. 

And I hate those memories. 

You know what? I don't want the last thing a person remembers of me is the image of my empty body that is made up to look like I am still there and laid out in a casket in clothes I probably would never wear. I never understood why people do that. I will not be there in that body. I will be sitting with the Lord and meeting all my family in heaven. I don't want a bunch of people walking by a dead empty husk of my body. No. I don't want that. Just skip the showing and the casket and the funeral home and the funeral. . . and just turn my empty body back into ashes.

You know what would be an honor to me? I am a giver. I give gifts and things to people that I personally make with my own hands. I like to build stuff and giving gifts is how I show how much I care about people. You see, the passage that is at the end of Fahrenheit 451 is how I think of people.

Paraphrased it says:

Everyone always leaves something behind when he or she dies. A child or a book or a painting or a house or a wall built or a pair of shoes they made. Or a garden planted. Something their hand touched in some way so that their soul has somewhere to go when they die, and when people look at that tree that they planted, or the painting they painted, they're there. It doesn't matter what they do so long as they change something from the way it was before they touched it into something that's like them after they take their hands away.“

 - adapted from Fahrenheit 451

 So, let's do this - I would like everyone that I have given a gift to or a drawing or something I built or written to them to create an Art Gallery for everyone to walk through. I would like a posterboard that people can write anything I said to them that made an impact on them. That's how I want people to "see" me for one last time. Because that is really who I am and that would be the last memory that I would want people to have of me. 

 I may or may not have had a long life but I have done what I set out to do. I have had a job that I enjoyed, and a home that I have made and a wife that I loved. I had my two boys that I had the privilege of raising and friends that I have been blessed with. I would probably not want to go (especially if I was leaving my wife) but I would not regret where I am. . . . was . . . in my life. So, I want people to think back of how they felt with what I gave them or something I taught them or when I spent time with them or gave a bit of old man wisdom.

 And I want smiles instead of tears. Ok? 

That would honor me and the life I lived the most. 

Oh, and have lots of food and just enjoy the day.