I am letting it get to me.

I am letting it get to me. I am having intrusive thoughts, and they are digging and borrowing into my mind and heart and gut and I am just not able to shake them. These thoughts and feelings are starting to affect me a little bit and I am trying not to dwell on them. . . . .

But Damn.......

I am just going to say it. I don't feel like I look good. . . . You know. I don't feel attractive. 

I know, what does it matter? Why am I making a big deal? I should be more confident. I shouldn't let the outside world determine my worth and all that other bull crap that I never give into. What I am dwelling on is being desirable to my wife. That's the issue. 

I don't feel like I my wife desires me. . . . like desires me..... you know?

Intrusive thoughts. 

I know my wife loves me and she is loyal and loves to spend time with me. She depends on me and looks to me for my steadfast personality and how I understand a lot of things that confuse her. She loves how I talk about her all the time and how I make a fuss over her and take care of her. But...... 

But, I don't know if she desires me in the can't keep her hands off want to take me into the bedroom kind of way. 

You see, we aren't intimate in that way anymore because the births of our kids. And I am not going to get into that since it is in other blogs I have posted.

So, this is the issue. She expresses her worry of me "not getting what I need," so I think she tries not to start anything because she and I both know that we are unable to . . . . you know. And I get that, really I do but I also love all the other stuff too. I am one of those before and after guys where the lead up and the cuddle after is as important (or maybe more) than the actual thing itself. And this is where I am missing it. She is not doing that as much anymore. And it is hard to not wonder if she just doesn't think I am hot enough or she is not attracted to me like the I WANT YOU NOW way. 

Because I want all that other stuff too . . . like bad. . .  even if we can't with the one thing. 

And I am letting my mind believe it's me. I am thinking it is because I just am not someone she wants to kiss on or feel up or cuddle with anymore. I am not proverbially "doing it for her" anymore. I think it is getting to me because she will talk about actors she sees on tv or movies being hot or how she has wants to . . . with them . . . . all in jest of course but with a nugget of truth, you know .  . . . but she never says anything like that to or about me or when I am around. Not anymore. 

Sometimes I wonder if she just doesn't feel that way about me anymore. I am wondering if she has lost attraction to me. 

And that is what is eating away at me. 

You know. . . I should just have an open honest chat with her, but I don't even want to ask or talk about it with her. I don't want to hear what she says if I bring it up. I mean, she could tell me that she desires me still but then I will not think I will believe her because she doesn't talk about me like that or kiss me as much or wants me to touch her in an intimate way. 

And what if she just confirms what I am thinking and how I am feeling..... I don't think I would be able to mentally and emotionally be able to take it. How could I look at her and touch her knowing she felt nothing . . . not desire or want of me? I would be like a brother or just a buddy to her or something. Nothing more. God, I would be shattered and broken inside. 

So, I am letting these intrusive thoughts in against my will, and they are taking more and more of a hold on me. I don't know what to do about them but then  I don't want to do anything because I am petrified of finding out my fears are true. 

So, I guess I will just man up and ignore it all and get what I can get and just set aside those thoughts the best that I can because the alternative would be more devastating and more of a nightmare than just living with the intrusive thoughts. 

And that is it. That is what I am going to do. 

I just hope they will not eat me inside out over time. 

Does size matter?

 It's interesting to see the responses to this tic toc vid on Facebook. And then I step in with a bit of real life to see what happens....

This is what I wrote:

As a guy.... Yeah it matters. I am too big for my wife and it matters. I haven't seen a lot of comments here since there are literally thousands of them and mine will probably just be buried amongst them all. But I assure you...being too big has affected our intimacy. My wife and I. When we first met it was just a matter of getting her to relax and stretched and taking our time. After the damage and ripping from our first boy though..... The scarring from all the stitches would not soften and I ended up tearing and hurting her every ......single......time. The pain and bleeding would last several days. It was like I was abusing her or even worse..... It would look like I forcibly raped her. Its been pretty difficult. She endured the pain until our second child which didn't go any better. Now we don't have vaginal sex at all (its been 16 years) because she can't stand the pain and I can't stand the thought of doing that to her every time. So yeah..... Size matters.

A response from a guy:

 I mean, I sort of feel like you two weren’t compatible then… no disrespect intended

My reply to him:  

Well, that would be the question to the universe, eh? With the way we struggle with the births of our children and then the struggle with sex afterward.... Well that would seem that fate has it against us, you think? Like we just weren't meant to be. But if you take away just that one part..... Just vaginal sex..... Nothing else about intimacy but that one .... My wife and I are so in love and bonded it makes you wonder if that one aspect is really worth calling it quits. For us..... That answer is no. It's not. But that is the path we took when we got married isn't it? "For better or for worse." Our bedroom life is missing one component..... Just one.... That, honestly, would break marriages. And it was a result of our choice to be parents. Was that price too steep to cause our emotional and mental and spiritual marriage to go bankrupt? For some, the answer to that is..... yes. But my wife and I are so bonded that even though we struggle with it as a couple, we love living life together more. 

If that runs your world.... And it is your priority, I can fully understand because it's not like it is not a big stress in our marriage.... I get it. That's why I take no offense.... It is pretty damn difficult some days.

I am just not going to give up and let go of so much I love about my wife for one absent physical act that I admit is pretty important but not enough for me to call it quits.